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Tue 9 Jan, 2007 11:20 pm
For those of you who wondered what happened to me, I have been keeping myself very busy to avoid my life with my husband. I made the consious decision that as soon as I had the means I would leave him. I decided that the best time (for me) to do this is during this coming summer. I chose this time because I will have graduated from college with a BA and I can get a job in Hollywood where I need to be. I basically have been living with my husband as a roommate would with other roommates only we sleep in the same bed.
Now that thats said and done with I need some advice on something very serious. Some background of the incodent: I keep getting these letters from some company I have never heard of asking me about my student loan. I decided today that I was going to call them and tell them to leave me alone. I show my husband the letter and he tells me its just a scam and they want to benifit from my student loan. I told him that if that was the case that I was sitll going to call them and tell them to stop sending me these letters over and over.
So he starts to pack for his business trip to pheonix and I am in the other room calling these people trying to get my name off thier list. Just as I am one step away from completing this task, my husband comes in and starts talking to me very loudly. I hate it when he does this. He does this all the time to me when I am on the phone. It doens't matter who I am talking to, it could be my mom or even a job interview, but he doesn't respect that and feels the need to talk to me and get my attention while I am on the phone.
This particular time, I was entering in information verbally to the automatic phone system and he comes in trying to talk to me. I wave my hands in the air to indicate for him to stop speaking. I would have told him to be quiet only I was trying to concentrate on spelling my name verbally into the phone and if I said it wrong I would have to start all over. Apparently he didn't get the memo and started speaking even louder. Thats when the automatic voice phone system got confused at the two voices and started all over again.... I got really frustrated and angry. I was trying to fix what he had messed up by waving my hands again and this time adding in a little above a whisper to "F$#k off!" I wouldn't have gotten so mad if what I was doing wasn't so important and the fact that he does this to me all the time didn't help things. You might think that those words are a little harsh but trust me, the way my husband talks you would have thought his whole vocabulary came from the trash.
It went silent for a few seconds. Then out of the blue something came down on my head and back hard. Hard enough for me to have screamed out in pain. I spun around to see that what had "fallen" on me was actually my husband with the dufflebag in his hands. Not just any douffle bag. One of those ones with the hard plastic bottoms. He just looked at me and walked out of the room. I was so stunned I didn't know what to do.
He walks back in the room a few minutes later and tries to ignore the whole thing. I told him that what he did was completely uncalled for and that no matter how mad I got at him I never hit him. Not only did he not care about hitting me, he told me that what he did couldn't have possibly hurt me and that he did it with good reason. Basically what it came down to is that he didn't trust me to handle things with these people, like I am some sort of idiot.
So I have two questions. The first is, I was supposed to take him to the airport so he didn't have to take a taxi and after he hit me I told him to find someone else. When he asked why I told him that I would have taken him before because I felt it was my duty as a wife to do such things, but now I didn't fell like I was. So, should I still take him after this incodent? And my second question is, was this a serious "crime" against me? I don't know if I should let this go or keep it. I have slapped him before, not hard though. I slapped him once because he got mad one night over something really stupid, stole my car keys, got in my car, and was planning on stranding me 40 miles away from home to find my own way back. Is a slap the same as what he did to me?
Slapping him and him hitting you with the duffle bag are both abusive. You can't try to quantify "this kind of hitting is only so bad, and this kind is a little bit worse, and then this kind..." Both are bad; you have both been abusive to each other.
You say you have decided to leave; you need to do it. And you really ought to seek some counseling before you get into another relationship, because you don't want this to play out again.
Yes.
You shouldn't hit and then think you are above being hit.
He was wrong. You were wrong.
You should apologize for ever hitting him--swear you will never do it again, and tell him that you have to insist that he never hit you.
It is hard for me to believe you think he's done something serious against you, but yet you don't see that you did the same thing--worse really. Your hand struck his face.
Anyway.
One opinion.
Oh no, I don't think I am above being hit at all, truly I dont. Believe me, I grew up with an abusive younger brother. But I do believe that there is a difference between a slap in the face and being hit with an object. That difference is what lead up to that moment. Meaning, I slapped him because he was going to put me in a situation that I didn't deserve to be in, deserting me miles from home over something really stupid. It is something that I do regret, but what makes it different from being hit with an object is what lead up to me being hit. His reasoning for hitting me was that he got frustrated that I wasn't paying attention to him and it got out of control. It frightens me because I don't know if this is the first sign of something that could turn into an abusive relationship or not. When I slapped him it was because he was about to do something alot worse to me, whereas when he did it it was because he lost control of himself. I am not saying one is better than the other. I don't believe anyone should hit anyone and if it happens that you should really be sorry for it, and I was. I was sorry, but he feels that I deserved what I got.
Lash, I don't see how what I did was worse. I don't see the difference between being hit by flesh and being hit by an object which is conected to flesh.
On another thread you were talking about personal space and someone asked if this was a problem with the same person you'd been posting about previously. You said:
kitkat_bar wrote:
Yes it is the same person. I haven't left yet because I am getting my **** together first otherwise i'll be out on the street with no home and have to become a prostitute to make money to live (exaggeration).
Now you say this:
[/QUOTE]It frightens me because I don't know if this is the first sign of something that could turn into an abusive relationship or not.
Quote:
If you're seriously concerned for your safety, there are public and private agencies that help women in your situation. Not having a place to go is not a good reason to put up with abuse if you don't wish to.
Post what city you are in and we can help you find information about the nearest agency from which you can seek advice and assistance.
Butrflynet wrote:On another thread you were talking about personal space and someone asked if this was a problem with the same person you'd been posting about previously. You said:
kitkat_bar wrote:
Yes it is the same person. I haven't left yet because I am getting my **** together first otherwise i'll be out on the street with no home and have to become a prostitute to make money to live (exaggeration).
Now you say this:
It frightens me because I don't know if this is the first sign of something that could turn into an abusive relationship or not.
Quote:
If you're seriously concerned for your safety, there are public and private agencies that help women in your situation. Not having a place to go is not a good reason to put up with abuse if you don't wish to.
Post what city you are in and we can help you find information about the nearest agency from which you can seek advice and assistance.
Before it made sence
not to seek out a refuge for women because it was never this bad. The most he ever did was call me names like a five year old when he got frustrated. This just happend last night and I am still trying to figure it out. Luckily he will be an a business trip for the next couple of weeks. I am one of those people who forgive easily, but I never forget. This time I didn't forgive. He of course sat outside my locked door for a couple of hours trying to coax me out telling me how sorry he was and how he didn't mean to hurt me. I wasn't letting him in, probably because I knew he would say anything to get me to come out. I was locked in the bedroom where all of his clothes were and it's hard to pack for a trip out of state for that long with no clothes. I am not going to wait around for the next time for him to be sorry he did something. Even if it means I have to lock him out every night. He has places to go, I do not. My whole life is here where I am. He would rather stay at his parents house than me to have to go there because then they would judge him even more if his wife had to leave him because she was afraid of her safety.
Too much drama.
You will never leave him because apparently you like the drama.
Unless of course, this is all a big drama in and of itself and you've managed to dupe us.
I don't condone abuse by any means. But you continue to stay despite serious warning signs. What do you think will come of this relationship?
Is being financial stable worth your life?
Re: He hit me....
kitkat_bar wrote:I basically have been living with my husband as a roommate would with other roommates only we sleep in the same bed.
you are clearly insane
kick him out, or you leave
be done with it
Agreed. Kick him out and get a TRO or leave yourself.
Be DONE with this already!!!
I'd rather live in a cardboard box and eat bugs than live with someone who will one day likely kill me.
Quote:Before it made sence not to seek out a refuge for women because it was never this bad. The most he ever did was call me names like a five year old when he got frustrated. This just happend last night and I am still trying to figure it out.
Okay, now it is this bad. It happened last night. What is it you're still trying to figure out?
Obviously, you aren't waiting for someone else to tell you it is bad and you should get out. You've been told that it is a bad situation. Even you admit it is bad. So, what is it you're waiting for?
It isn't that you don't have anywhere to go and no support system. You are now aware that there is such available to you. So, what is it you're still waiting for?
Are you waiting for him to change? Admit he is wrong? Kick you out? That ain't gonna happen. So, what is it you're still waiting for?
How many times do you need to hit and be hit before you figure it out? Is twice enough? Three times?
Sorry if this posts twice, my computer is messing up
Butrflynet wrote:Quote:Before it made sence not to seek out a refuge for women because it was never this bad. The most he ever did was call me names like a five year old when he got frustrated. This just happend last night and I am still trying to figure it out.
Okay, now it is this bad. It happened last night. What is it you're still trying to figure out?
Obviously, you aren't waiting for someone else to tell you it is bad and you should get out. You've been told that it is a bad situation. Even you admit it is bad. So, what is it you're waiting for?
It isn't that you don't have anywhere to go and no support system. You are now aware that there is such available to you. So, what is it you're still waiting for?
Are you waiting for him to change? Admit he is wrong? Kick you out? That ain't gonna happen. So, what is it you're still waiting for?
How many times do you need to hit and be hit before you figure it out? Is twice enough? Three times?
Oh I definatly know he's not changing. And it really is about not having a place to go and no it isn't about pride. The only thing I am waiting for is money. He's not going to kill me, you can say I'm wrong all you want but it's true.
I have seen people's lives gone down the drain because they made a huge mistake by not having a plan. I refuse to be one of those people. It is important that I have a plan for myself before running out with no where to go and no money. Thats when really bad stuff happends to you. My plan is to stay here until I graduate in May and get my BA, then I will get a job in LA and move there. This marriage might be runing my life as of now, but I am not going to let it ruin my future. I still have a chance to make something of myself. I can still get out of here. I am so close to being done with school and once I am done I am home free. You might not see it but me leaving is actually a step backwards. No one said life is going to be easy and God knows I haven't had it easy since I was living at home with my parents. But I have a plan for myself, and that means I am one step ahead of all the rest of those people. If I don't do this I will be a failure. Who knows, it could be sooner, I could get a major break and get a job in LA next month and be able to move out.
If I have to I WILL kick him out.
I don't know all the pre-history to this, like some here seem to, but just from you initial post, I would try to find a way out NOW!
Can you not move in with family or friends for four months?
Of course it's your choice, but I can say: been there, done that!
Stayed for too long AND Lived in a dump to get away.
But I guess age might have something to do with it.
I am certainly more mature now than I was 15 years ago.
Today, what counts for me is that I can look at myself and say: Yes, you did good, no you do not have to be ashamed of anything!
Hollywood is going to welcome you with open arms.
Bohne wrote:
Can you not move in with family or friends for four months?
I don't really have any where to go, half my friends still live with their parents or are married and starting their new lives with each other (we don't want a sequel to You Me and Dupree
) My family has been renovating their house so everything is torn up and my old room is one big storage room now. His parents would welcome me but they are packing up and moving to Utah very soon. Plus I have my cat and my dog to worry about (who I love like children and would never get rid of).
kitkat_bar wrote:Plus I have my cat and my dog to worry about (who I love like children and would never get rid of).
If anyone advises getting rid of them, I'll slap them!
When you
do leave, nothing is going to beat having doggie and kitty moral support-- honest to god, no one cares as much when I cry as my cats do. The kitty in my avatar and I still have this just
incredible bond, because she was my only roommate when I went through the hardest time in my life, and it made us practically soulmates!
I remember trumping up little marriage issues when i was about 20 or so.
If you listened to ME, my then husband sounded like a horrible abuser.
If you watched US, you would see we were just two pissed off kids.
Well I have to completely disagree with most of you here, for good reason.
First of all, this is not an issue of abuse. Not even close.
kit_kat, your husband obviously didn't realize why you needed him to be silent. Him coming in and blurting out conversation when you are busy is disrespectful, not very thoughtful, but just part of his personality. Clearly this is how he acts when he gets comfortable with someone. Just as, for example, you wouldn't go messing around in someone elses room if you just met them but if you've known them for a long time and you need to get something out you might not hesitate. It's disrespectful but you do it because you're comfortable with the person. Him talking loud like this is really the same thing.
Then you of course utter for him to f* off. It is totally understandable for you to get annoyed at him, but this clearly hurt his feelings. Just because he swears at other people doesn't mean he is immune, it sounds like he wanted your advice or wanted to show you something, and was a bit excited, and you just stopped him dead with that remark.
So let's get something straight...his inadvertantly disrespectful manner tripped your short temper, and caused you to say something intentionally disrespectful, so your action was the first hostile one.
Your hostile action, in turn, triggered his short fuse..and he responded by throwing the bag he was carrying at you in a display of how annoyed he was at being told to f* off when he had just wanted to elicit your help. This is also a pretty normal, common reaction.
The fact is he made a bad throw, and underestimated the weight of the bad. From the way you describe it I have no doubt that he did not intend to cause you any physical pain, and that is why it is not abuse. Once again it was just unthinking.
So his action was worse than yours, but you instigated it...there is definitely shared responsibility. You both have very short fuses, and that means you have to be doubly careful to watch your tempers while you are around each other. It may be that the fact that you both have short fuses makes you incompatibile with each other, but it's not fair for you to say hes hitting/abusing you (based on this).
Bella Dea wrote:I'd rather live in a cardboard box and eat bugs than live with someone who will one day likely kill me.
While I agree with the sentiment, there is a fair amount a evidence to suggest that the ones closest to you are the ones most likely to cause harm. Ask the police who they are most likely to suspect in violent crimes.
The company of strangers is safer than the company of loved ones, sad to say it's the price we must pay for intimacy; not that I am condoning nor accepting of familial violence.
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