They are cheating...... do you want to know?

I would have wanted to know immediately, so I could have made a decision as to how I would have proceeded. I really don't know what I would have done. After all these years of marriage, it is no longer an issue for me.

I once dated a man for almost two months before I found out he was married, and I always thought I was pretty savvy. I would never deliberately go out with a married man and he was very good a covering his tracks. He suggested I always call him at work, but he also gave me a home phone number (pre cellphone days). He said he rarely picks up at home and I would just get a machine. One night I had to work late so I tried the home number and a young woman with a European accent answered. I was surprised and asked for Joe, she replied that Mr. and Mrs. Smith were out at dinner and then she got flustered and said "oh god, I answered the wrong phone, I am not supposed to answer this phone, please don't mention it to Mr.Smith that I picked up his private phone". At first I was shocked at the "Mr & Mrs." thing (he said he was divorced and ex-wife was remarried) and then by her reaction to picking up the phone. She sounded terrified. I promised her I would not tell about the phone and I asked her why it was a problem. She said no one in the house was allowed to pick up that phone, it was Mr. Smith's private business line and the answering machine was even located in a closet so it could not be heard. Well I pumped her for a little more information and found out she was the new au pair for the Smith's three year old twin boys (first I heard of them), the Smith's had been married for 5 years. I didn't want to get her in trouble for the phone error, so I told her I would reach him at his office the next day.

I called and told him I found out he was married, although I refused to tell him how I found out, figuring it would make him paranoid, and that I thought he was a creep etc.. However, I never made any effort to tell his wife. I always felt a little guilty about that, but somehow I just didn't feel I wanted to be the bearer of such news. I look back and realize I should have seen the red flags - always stayed at my city place (his house was in Westchester), said he often had to work weekends or travel etc. And the MOST tell tale sign of all - I once got in his car and there were babywipes in the back seat. Have no idea what happened to Mr & Mrs Smith, but topics like this make me think about them. Gee, those twin boys are about 23 years old now.

I too had dated a married man for a while before I knew he was married.

At the time, i was not looking for a truly serious relationship - meaning.. noone was going to move in with anyone . No account sharing, no major gifts. Just simple , casual dating with some good sex.
That was all I wanted.

But I didnt want a married man.

We were at dinner at a small greek restaurant in Albq next to the frontier restaurant.
He often took me there because he said that he wanted as far away from PNM ( where he worked) as he could be for lunch breaks.
Turned out, his wife worked not too far from PNM . And I am willing to bet, he just didnt want to run into her.

I dated him for about 4 months , and I was content.
He was great looking, funny and gave me exactly what I wanted at that time.

This particular day, we met as usual in the parking lot and began walking inside.
When we sat at the table and he picked up the menu, I saw that gold ring and just stared at him.

I dont think I actually said a single word to him, but HE left the table after a while. Left money to cover the bill, and I never spoke to him again.

I found out later on ( I worked at an autoglass shop ) who his wife was.
She brought her vehicle in to have a window replaced, and there right across the top of the check was her name and his name, and his address...
the very condo him and I would spend weekday mornings in..

wich was truly odd..
There was NEVER a single sign of a woman living there.
It was very.. 'bachelor'.
no pictures, no flowers, no ornamental soaps on the back of the toilet.
Nothing.


I wanted, SO BAD, to tell her.. but didnt.

Just like GW said.. I felt guilty.. yet, I was not the one cheating.

I can't say I always know because it's possible that some of the people I thought were faithful, weren't.

But the one time I'm sure it happened, I pretty much knew. I totally freaked him out because when he woke me up after coming home from a tour (he was a musician -- yeah, I know) on which he'd had a fling, first thing I asked him was where his watch was -- he'd left it at her house.

I knew something was deeply wrong in the days after that but wasn't sure what it was. Started to figure it out when the other band members, who liked me a lot, were all shuffly and wouldn't look me in the eye. I wasn't at all surprised when he finally said it.

He had the decency to wait only a few days, but it still was awful to think of all these other people knowing and me being in the dark.

In that situation, I'm very glad I knew, and quickly. (Was cause for immediate break-up -- in fact, he said later that's why he did it, he felt tied down but couldn't bring himself to break up with me, and knew that I'd break up with him if he cheated.)

Honestly, I'm not as sure in terms of long-term marriage with a child. I still think I'd want to know, for reasons already mentioned, but it's not quite as clear-cut.

I also dated a married man, way back when. My story is much like shewolf's.

So here's my question, after reading through this thread: What's the best way to find out? I know there's no good way, but what's the best way?

It occurs to me that it might be best if the message came from the cheatee. Sort of like, "I'm sorry to say that your spouse has been dating me for some time. I have just found out that he/she is married and have broken off our relationship, but it's probable that I was neither the first nor the last extramarital fling for him/her. Regards ...."

The cheatee has no emotional investment with the spouse, so unlike friends telling the spouse, it would be a clean cut. Also, the spouse could not doubt the truth of it -- as he/she might if the message came from someone else.

By the way, while I think knowing earlier is better in almost all situations, I think it's much better if it comes directly from the cheater rather than some outside party. Part of it is the humiliation factor. Part of it is what eoe said about people actually knowing but pretending not to.

Geesh, I hadn't seen your post, Tico, honest!

OK, tell me Mrs. Smith didn't have an idea that something was wrong....

Maybe she thought he was in the mob.

Don't ask me any questions about my business!

GW's Mr smith went to some extremes to keep his life separate.

Odd fellow..





So what about an anonymous letter?
Wether from the person your husband/wife is with, or someone who KNOWS what is going on?


Im with Soz tough...

Any other time in my life, a cheater was out the door immediately.
Now? With Jillian ?
My first gut reaction would be to pack and leave. But, that would leave JIllian with out a father. And what id something else was going on that I didnt know about? Nothing validates a cheater. Not in my mind..
but , it is something that , only in this relationship.. I would consider 'workable' .......... maybe................

I would also want to know. I guess this hits home with me, but in the opposite way - wife cheating on husband. My brother. How does he find out? His 5 year old talking about mommy's boyfriend - nice!

The best way to find out - from the cheaters mouth itself - maybe not the easiest, but other ways do you really know for 100% sure? An anonymous letter? Even a woman claiming he is cheating? Any of those choices would require you to confront your husband. Although in most cases, I would imagine it is more likely that your husband is cheating, what if it was just some looney that wants to get back at one of you or cause a riff? Then it appears as if you do not trust an otherwise trustworthy person.

Shewolfn - my brother is trying to work things out with his wife - just like you described he is concerned for his children. Not sure how it is going as he is keeping a low profile, but from what I can gather it doesn't look promising.

Why are we so gung-ho about telling? In most cases, the cheatee finds out sooner or later and if they don't, again, it's because they don't want to.

Perhaps it was don't ask, don't tell. Actually, my grandfather had a private business line in his home, and with the door closed you couldn't hear the answering machine pick-up. Come to think of it - he was also known to have had at least one affair...

I bet all these cheaters just love cellphones.

HEY!

leave us cell phone owners alone. HA

I have a cellphone that is only for business.
We have a 2 line plan and I dont want people calling me , or hearing it ring like crazy on my days off.
I can also get away with answering the phone while I am working on someones home, since they too know it is only a business line..




cheater schmeater..

Malice

A feeling of personal superiority

Personal power

revenge ( if the cheater or their spouse ever wronged you)

Or, just simply wanting to stir the turd.

Oh my, what naive belief in hackneyed cliches.

Just to dig into some past dirt in my own life:

I remember the time my then-girlfriend cheated on me for the first time. I totally freaked her out because I knew immediately - like, she came home in the evening, laid by me, and I thought, something's different. The next morning I asked. Because I knew. And she admitted it.

Dont even think about pitying me for the above - because I'd cheated on her too. I had had three affairs. The one that I told her about, all hell broke loose. It was a story of violent emotions for months. The other two, I didnt tell her about - and there was never a hint of a question or reaction from her - so I'm pretty sure she never knew.

Not particularly proud about my goings-on in that whole relationship (either as perpetrator or victim) - but they sure took away any naive notions I might have had about how "men never know" and "women always know".

I agree, nimh - I left my first husband and about two months later he confessed to an affair while we were together - I didn't actually care and didn't want to know with whom, but he told me anyway. I was flabbergasted BUT, another friend of ours suggested it was happening (she didn't know the woman, she just picked this all up from my ex) - boy, she was good!

I haven't read all the responses here, but would you tell someone if you knew the spouse was cheating? Would it matter if you were friends with the cheating spouse or the aggrieved party? Do you think you're obligated to tell a friend?

I think I would begin like this:

So, would you want to know if your husband/wife were cheating on you?

Yes.

Okay then, blah blah

(or)

No.

Yeah, me either.


Personally, I woulod not like to be told. If I found out, that'd be another matter, but really, I'm a believer in what you don't know won't hurt you, and ignorance is bliss So, if you guys ever suspect anything, just keep it to yourselves, ok?

OK, everyone, you heard her. So sssshhhhhhhh, ok?

Ahhhhh.



I've been on the down end of husband and lover. I am not inclined to share, except to say that I walked in on them.



I don't mean that as a tease as I don't intend to explain more. This is just to say I understand almost anyone's grief.