Help me to move on with my life after ending an affair

Hey deeppain I know what you are going through. I have had 3 affairs and I am now finding myself in love with my lover. He is married. I too want to let go but you know it's hard. Have you tried meeting someone else? That helped me in the past to get over one really abusive, disgusting affair with an old perv. Try and meet other men, you don't need to meet Mr. Right just Mr. Right now. I hope it helps.

Thanks Badgirl, i thought of meeting someone but my heart still wants him, and you know what, the other day I saw him but he didn't see me I felt I wanted to talk to him and hug him, thank God, i controlled myself, i just left instead and went to the other way to avoid him, but deep inside of me i want him back no matter how bad he treated me. Sometimes I hate myself why I can't let go of my feelings with this person, I wanted to forget him and move on with my life but I feel empty, but sometimes I wish him dead nor seeing his life miserable will make me happy, i guess....

Why? So he can treat ou the same way, or worse, again?

Why? So he can treat ou the same way, or worse, again?

I dunno...I just wish my feelings for him will fade away. Right now, i don't want to think of him anymore, I always make myself busy and even go to work during my offs or if I am at home, I always asleep as I don't want to give him space in my mind and also I am busy preparing for my vacation this year (second quarter, hopefully). Yes, just a vacation, though I wanted to stay with my kids for good, but I cannot leave my high paying job. I am doing this for my kids future no matter how bad I am hurt to stay here.

Thanks for all the advices and words of encouragement. Hope to still keep in tough with you guys!

wow, i may be missing something here, and i apologize if i am;
but what the hell man?!!!

cheating is a horrible thing to do to someone, and no one here is even calling you on it.

i do not feel sorry for you. you brought every bit of pain you are feeling on yourself by lying your husband.
if there is some reason you feel justified in doing this to him, i havent read it here.

you say that you were chatting with this man for a year and a half.
GUESS WHAT! THAT IS CHEATING!!!!!!!
cheating is not about sex; it is about lying.
it is about doing something totally selfish and that is where you need to start looking at yourself.
start by saying to yourself, "who in the hell do i think i am, and why do i think its OK to lie to my husband and children, and hurt them?"

oh, you didnt think that you were lying to your kids?
guess again!
you are lying through omission to your whole world, and you have the audacity to say "god bless" at the end of your post.

i realize that i am new here, but being that this is an open forum for opinions, i feel its ok to add mine to the mix.
DPlady, you should be ashamed of yourself.

the only things ive read about your husband is that you are bored of him, and he doesnt make enough money to give you the things you want.

do you think that you are the only woman in this situation?

HEY LADIES, speak up if your husband is kinda boring and you wish he made more money!
do you cheat on him because of it?


i feel like you got what you deserved.
what kind of people do you think are out there on the net looking to hook up with strangers?
mostly oversexed middle aged men.

why would you think that someone who is cheating on their wife would treat you any different?
he MARRIED her, he just screwed you.

have you even considered the great possibility that you may have contracted an STD from this highly promiscuous man, and may have given it to your husband?

you need to go home, tell your husband EVERYTHING, and hope to god he stays with you and can find a way to forgive you.
you need to stop thinking about YOUR happyness for a while, and concentrate on making your family feel special and loved.

if your husband is some sort of abusive prick with no redeeming qualities, then you need to divorce him and actually move on, rather than hanging onto one vine until another presents itself.

you say you have stayed with him for the kids. that sounds like a big copout.
why would your kids want to have a liar and a cheater for a mother.
you should be teaching them by example, and right now, you are not a good example of what a good woman should do in this situation.

my guess is that your husband has not even been given the chance to meet your needs because you have not communicated them to him; choosing to pour your heart into some stranger who only left you feeling even emptier than you did before.

you have a lot of work to do.
get started,
loosecannon
(sorry if i offended anyone, but this is how i feel)

Yes, you are right, I deserve all the agony and pain and this is the price i have to pay for my actions. I know what I did was wrong and I believe that God is not vindictive. I will divorce him but I am focusing myself right now with my career, especially my job so I can send my kids to school and meet all their financial needs.

are you religious?

Yes I am, that's why I never thought why this happened to me.

I am not a bad person, my only mistake was I fell in love with that man to the point of losing myself, my values, my pride, my self-respect, everything... because all I knew was he made me so much happier that I never felt with my husband before, and I followed my heart over my head and that was a big mistake which I acknowledge it, and hope to learn from it.

Don't be ashamed of yourself unless you are not willing to learn from your mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes and we should not be here to pass judgement on you but to offer you our opinions.

Thanks!

Am I the only one who still has no clue what's going on here?

You moved to another country!
Did your husband come with you?
If not, how often do you see him?
Is it a big secret or can you tell us, which countries we are talking about.

Your children are grown!
Why do you have to stay with your husband then, for the sake of the children?

If you have a good job, and can even send money to your children, why do you need a man to financially support you?

I think you owe it to your husband, to clear things up with him, no matter, what your final decision will be.
If your children are grown, you have probably been together for a long time.
What did he do to deserve to be treated the way you treat him?
You already think about looking for another man? Fine, but then clear things up in your current partnership, and let your husband have a chance also, to find a woman who appreciates him and makes him happy.

A for your lover: You know you do not have a future together.
You knew what he was like before you met him, but you probably thought you were the one who could change him.
Well you were wrong, and the sooner you accept that, the better it will be for you!
He was quite honest with you, from what I can tell.
It's not him causing you pain, it's you causing yourself pain.

You don't like the way he is, so leave him behind and get on with your life.

Yes, I am an expat in another country.
Husband didn't come and he told me that he cannot give me what I want, financially, that pushed me to accept the job and meet my lover in that country but i can go back to my country every year, as long as I am working with this good company, i can go home every year. If I will resign from my job, then I have to go back home for good. I wanted to keep it secret for which country I am or I moved-in.

My kids are in their early teens. I came from a good/conservative family and divorce is a big no no to my parents.

My lover doesn't support me, I got nothing from him and I know the fact that I don't have future to him, I just wanted to be happy and that's what I was saying earlier that I followed my heart over my head. I am not looking even I wanted to just to forget my lover, still I can't because I don't want to commit the same mistake, i don't want to cause myself another pain and i guess i have to put all in legal way and my priorty now is to move on with my life and to provide my kids all their needs.

Yes I know I owe a lot with my husband an explanation but have you or any of you think that why me the wife is working like hell just to provide my kids and myself all our needs, it should be the husband who must provide me all that we need. I don't want to say anything much about my husband because I know I hurt him so much if only he learn about this. I am always in tears everytime I think that I am the wife I should stay and take care of my kids and he as the husband should work hard to provide his family, and I don't blame those people who judge me because I am not into detail, but I will answer all the questions that they wanted to know. Thanks!

I suppose you come from a culture different to mine, so I probably cannot really comprehend all your reasoning.

For me it would be unthinkable to assume that my husband is responsible for providing for me and my family.
Living in Europe in the 21st century, I see it as much my duty, to provide for all of us, as my husbands.
Having just had a baby last year, I cannot see me leaving him (or my husband) for any reason (especially not financial). But again, you are being very vague on things so I cannot judge that decision.

My husband and me have been speaking about being separated for up to three years for job reasons.
He might have to move back to the States for some time, while I have a secure job in Germany.
We both decided, that we would not want to live like that.

So he was going to resign from his job to be able to stay in Germany, but being absolutely stunned that he would do this for me, I agreed, to resign from my job to accompany him to the States, should it be necessary.
So far it did not happen.

The way you are living now, I don't see much of a marriage, and (again, from my cultural viewpoint), deceiving my partner, lying to him and cheating on him, cannot be preferred by a conservative family over divorce. Or can it?

We both have different culture and you are lucky to have a husband like that.

Being in a conservative family doesn't mean I cannot make mistakes. I am just a human being and whatever reply I post here everybody won't accept it because they see me as a cheater, liar, bad mother, bad wife and not a good example to everybody.

Thanks anyway for the time in reading my story.

[quote="deeppainlady"]Being in a conservative family doesn't mean I cannot make mistakes. I am just a human being and whatever reply I post here everybody won't accept it because they see me as a cheater, liar, bad mother, bad wife and not a good example to everybody.
[/quote]

Everybody makes mistakes and I am sure I have made more than one in my life.
The characteristics you mention are simply the ones that were described in you original question.
You might be a very lovely person and love your children, but we don't know about that side of you.

I think what you really have to do is figure out FOR YOURSELF where you want your life to go, what expectations do you have for your future, and how best to go for your goals.

You decided that splitting from your lover was the best thing for you!
OK, that's a start.
You realized that nothing but pain and tears where going to come from that relationship.
Good on you, so now move on!
Do you want to give your marriage another try?
If so I think you really need to speak with your husband and try to sort things out. I get the feeling, that he has no idea that your relationship is anything but perfect (or he doesn't care?)
If not, is divorce really not an option?
What happens if maybe one day you find another man you fall in love with and want to spend your life with? Would you be willing to leave your husband then?

I am not trying to judge you or make you accept my own values as your own.
In the end it will all be your decision.
You will live your life the way you see fit.
Just try and not overlook the effect your actions may have on other people.

There is only one thing I learned from here, that no matter how good you are as a person or no matter how you help others, whenever you made mistakes, people will definitely judge you regardless of the good things that you did or how good person you are, and even if i post all my good qualities here as a person, nobody cares because what stick in their mind is that I cheated my husband, I am a liar, I am not a good woman, not a good mother. I just don't know why they judged me easily that I am not a good mother to my kids, is it because I lied with my kids, that I am not a good example to them, and that I cheated their father, I don't want to say much thing about me as a mother, all I can say is that every mother wants the best for her kids and no matter how hard it is, the mother will do everything and anything just to give the best to her children. I am not a good wife to my husband but I don't think I am not a good mother to my children.

As for your question if I want to give my marriage another try, I still don't know, though I love my husband but I am not inlove with him anymore and if I find another man that I fall in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with, I hope this will not happen again coz i don't want to commit the same mistake and if it happens, I guess I have to put all in legal way.

Thanks for your advices, appreciate it.

if your kids are in their early teens, why did you say they were grown?

(btw, early teens, NOT A GOOD TIME TO HAVE AN AFFAIR!! it could ruin your
relationship w/ them. no matter what your religion or your parents think,
divorce is probably the best option you have.

It is very easy to be critical of things that we don't understand. Personally, I don't understand leaving my kids for a job. Some people do have to make sacrifices in their lives in order to grow. I have two early teen aged kids myself and I know that they are at a very impressionable age and in need of a positive role model. In my life my kids do come first.
I am not familiar with the customs of your country as I am from the US. I happen to have some liberal ideals and do not believe that the man has to be the one to support the family. I do believe that entering the committment of marriage is a union between two people to work as a team, especially when the choice has been made to raise children. My husband chose to break his committment.
I'm sure you are very confused as to where your heart is right now. If this forum helps I hope you can come to some peace with yourself and therefore your family as well.

I must say, my kids are not toddlers that's why I said they are grown-up.

Anyway, thank for all your comments, suggestions, advices.
I'm signing off now as I'll be on a training. If there is a chance, I'll try to post a reply. Regards.