my husband looks at porn

Couple questions:

1- Did he do this prior to the wedding?
2- Did you specifically tell him that you would not tolorate porn after marriage?
3- Has your sex life changed at all because of it? Or has he begun to treat you differently because of it?
4- Why do you feel worthless and ugly?
5- Have you talked to him about this?

yep.
I don't know what to tell you, except that I can empathize.
For various reasons I feel the same way about my husband of 34 years, and it's even much more difficult to leave someone after that amount of time.
All I can say is that it's only the internet. It's only pictures - if, in fact that's all he's doing.
Unfortunately nowadays this is a very common problem.

Have you discussed this with him? and described how it makes you feel?

It's hard to understand and accept that your man thinks sexually about other women but it's totally and completely normal! We are all sexual beings. I am not saying he should be fantasizing over every woman all the time but for him to occasionally indulge his fantasy is not uncommon nor is it wrong.

The issue becomes a problem when there is lying or betrayal or cheating or excessive usage. If he is on every night for 4 hours, that's more than a normal average guy.

Happycat is right...it's only pictures. Unless he is cyber sexing with women or otherwise emotionally cheating on you (that would be an online affair for example) this isn't an abnormal or wrong behavior.

This was a marriage 4 months ago and not a funeral right?

Your husband isn't dead. You aren't dead. Until you and he are you both will look at other people.

Should he divorce you if one of your girl friends has a male dancer at a party that you attend? What about if you go see "The Full Monty"? Is that grounds for divorce?

There is difference between fantasizing and doing the deed. For all you know he is making a comparison and none of the women he is looking at is as good as you.

People look at porn for a lot of different reasons. Unless he is obsessed with it and your sex life has gotten worse and not better there isn't much to worry about. (Porn can give your husband ideas that you might like.)

Good point.

Good perspective, Parados. There are lots of things we do that are considered O.K., but if we did them OBSESSIVELY, and if such activities disrupted other, vital, activities, THEN those otherwise O.K. activities would be problematical. It's not what we do; it's their effects that count.

Whoo-boy...

I can sympathize with how it would make you feel bad, but a couple of things jump out at me:

1. Did he have any idea you expected him not to do this? had you set some kind of rules, or did you just figure you were on the same page about it? You've got to talk this out and establish some boundaries that work for both of you before you go feeling like he's betrayed you-- can't have betrayed you if he didn't know you felt this way, right?

2. You said so much about it making you feel worthless, you can never get this out of your mind, etc. That's such a strong response-- I know you're upset and perhaps you phrased it more strongly than you would after taking time to calm down, but if you really feel like this makes you worthless and ugly and whatever else, that's a seperate problem. I mean, in your place I'd definitely feel upset and freaked out, but worthless? No. You've got to realize your worth has nothing to do with whether your husband looks at a picture of another girl. talk to him and get some reassurance, but if you're really terribly crushed, you might need to do some work of your own on self-esteem.

(And just thought I'd mention, my previous post is making the assumption you're just talking about a look every now and then-- as I think someone else already mentioned, if we're talking about hours and hours every night or something like that, it's a whole different thing.)

yeah, that's what I thought too Snood

The point was not that he actually does think this...the point is that she hasn't considered any possibility other than he thinks she's fat and ugly.

Hey, everybody....she's gone. We don't have to answer her anymore. She was just so grief stricken by the revelation of her husband looking at porn that she needed to reach out for help, but now that her initial shock is wore off she has begun to hit the bottle and hit it hard.

I imagine she will be too drunk to post here in the future.

But one thing she said intrigued me...



I consider myself a student of porn yet am unfamiliar with that particular phrase.

What, pray tell, is a page 3 girl?

It's a British thing. They actually publish topless photos in their newspaper.

Degenerates.

friggin Brits

And that is why L Elpus is so much more refined than Gus....

The Brits get their naked pictures in their newspapers.

Yes, Gus, we get "page 3" in our Sun "newspaper", and after a while, the male reader doesn't even look at the picture there, preferring to skip right on to the vital and groundbreaking news stories that cover the other pages.

Stories such as the part time, voluntary policeman (hobby bobbies, as they are known) who went for a sex change and lost his job as a consequence. He appealed, won, got his job back, recommenced his/now her career as a WPC (woman police constable) and the Sun ran the whole story the very next day......

Under the highbrow headline of

"NO KNOBBY HOBBY BOBBY KEEPS JOBBY"

Yep, whenever I browse through the Sun, I just tend to ignore page 3 and read the news. Page 3 has little or no effect on me.

I merely open the first page, see the full page picture of the young beauty on page 3 with those pert, upward pointing, perfectly ripe little peaches, both staring out at me.....staring....upward... both.....

Where was I?

www.thesun.co.uk

That's a pretty high falutin way of saying....



"I only buy it for the articles."

Thanks for that advice, that I know of he was only doing it for two to three weeks and it was about 3 to 4 nights a week for maybe an hour at a time.

He definitely knew my views on this kind of thing and knew I would be upset, but at the same time he has always had the same view as me on this, or that is what he made out to me anyway. For example, on honeymoon, we went to the Isles of Scilly off the coast of Cornwall, I don't particularly agree with topless sunbathing because I don't see a beach as being any different to any other public place and there was one girl doing it. I said to him "look at her, how dare she!" (as there were kids playing about etc and it is not the sort of place that is accepted) and he said "I think thats disgraceful especially with those children playing, I wouldn't want my children subjected to that".

So as fas as I knew he was the same as me.

He has said he won't do it again and I do believe him, but deep down there is some niggling feeling that well the man I married would never have even thought of doing it in the first place.

I don't want people to think im a prude or anything, if he's always been open about that kind of thing from day one and was having a look one day and made a joke of it and said hey why don't we try that and laugh about it, that would have been a totally different situation and I would have known from the word go that he was that kind of person and it was all light hearted fun and didn't particularly mean anything. Also if he was into that before he met me it would be a boost of self esteem that he was looking at those women, but chose to be with me. This is like he chose to be with me, I'm no longer good enough so i'll look elsewhere - do you see what I mean.

rae - I understand what you're saying. I really do. But you have to remember that most of your problem is exactly that: YOUR problem.
You're the one thinking all these things about yourself.
I could see where you would doubt yourself - your attractiveness, sex appeal, etc., if things had changed for the worse in the bedroom....if he suddenly would rather spend time on the computer looking at porn than be intimate with you, but you haven't said anything at all about that so I'm assuming that all's well in that dept.

It sounds like he's just found a new toy, so to speak, and now that he knows that it upset you maybe he'll stop. But I doubt if he'll stop completely since it's so readily available and well.....you know men. lol.

I don't think it's anything to get too worked up about.

When he's on the computer, lure him away for the real thing. :wink: