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Stop The Gay Canadians!

 
 
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 02:40 pm
== Stop The Gay Canadians! ==
First icky legalized homosexual marriage, then the apocalypse.
Conservative America trembles
(By Mark Morford)
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2003/06/20/notes062003.DTL&nl=fix

Hordes of quivering GOP lawmakers and vast throngs of proudly homophobic right-wing Christian Americans fell into an adorable tizzy the other day as the entire really, really big country of Canada announced it will change its national law to allow full-on homosexual marriage anywhere in entire country including Vancouver and Toronto and even "that weird province with all the gay French people."

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/06/18/MN262173.DTL&nl=fix

Hysteria and open weeping and panicky looks accompanied the uncontrollable overeating of many stale Ding-Dongs, as millions of sexually confused Bush-ites and members of self-righteous Bible-icious
anti-everything groups like the American Family Association, along with
entire towns such as Colorado Springs, were absolutely certain the world was coming to an end, like, immediately. I mean, Canada's *right next door*!

Moreover, they fear, Canada's decision means the God-given sanctity of
tepid hetero missionary-position marriage is utterly doomed and our innocent children are sure to become fans of modern dance and maybe even old Barbra Streisand movies, and all of this will undoubtedly result in the introduction of a pair of wacky gay Canadian neighbors on "Everybody Loves Raymond."

"I don't really know what this means, what it represents, what it entails, what gay people stand for, where they come from or what they do or why they do it or how they become that way in the first place or even if they're allowed to vote or fly in airplanes," announced a very trembly George W. Bush at a hastily arranged press conference in the Super Mega Hetero Gun Room of the White House.

"But I do know we won't stand for it, and if these gul-dang furriner evildoers think they can get away with these kinds of tender unions and
hand holdings and loving smiles and beautiful intimate commitments, well, they haven't seen America's righteous firepower!" he shouted, pounding his cute little fist on the podium. "We shall prevail!" Then he fainted.

Karl Rove, Bush's master strategist and known devourer of live puppies
and breeder of the administration's swarms of evil flying monkeys, briefly waddled into the sunlight to quickly introduce the bitchin' catchphrase "Wussies of Mass Destruction" into the GOP lexical armament.

Rove also pointed out, just before the tiny demon leeches sucked away what remained of his soul, how Canada's wicked WMD decision probably meant there are similar latent gay terrorist revolutions ready to burst all over Antarctica and Poland and probably Latvia like some sticky-smooth lubricating substance, and they must be stopped before the world is "converted" and we all end up getting regular pedicures and drinking white wine and belting out the words to "Cabaret" as we cruise around in our purple Miatas.

"As far as I'm told, Canada actually borders our fine upstanding nation," Bush managed to continue, after being hoisted upright, as a paler-than-usual Dick Cheney whispered desperately into Bush's ear while Lynne frantically tried to dissuade their secret lesbian daughter from splitting for Saskatchewan with her lover on the next flight out.

"This means we as a country are actually touching a bunch of gay married people right this very minute! Look at this map! It's like an adjacency thing! Like some sort of weird tidal wave of gay Canadian people in love, just waiting up north to ride big pink buses down here and open chains of well-appointed little erotic chocolate boutiques and buy up all the Cher Farewell Tour tickets. This will not do!"

http://chocolatefantasies.com/warning.htm

Already, America's perspective has been affected. In a shocking new poll, fully 41 percent of Americans now believe the terrorists responsible for the 9/11 tragedy were, in fact, gay married Canadians.

Similarly, 23 percent are now convinced Saddam Hussein was either "somewhat" or "almost totally" Canadian. Or gay. Or a member of
Loverboy.

AG John Ashcroft, no stranger to uptight asexual homophobic hyper-Christian puling and all too familiar with looking exactly like he just swallowed a pleasure-ribbed condom filled with boiling road tar, was seen running around the Hall of Justice smacking a heavy King James Bible against his skull and dousing himself with buckets of holy anointing oil, just before running smack into the bronze left nipple of the swathed statue of Lady Justice and knocking himself cold.

Bills were proposed. Sanctions were recommended. Emergency precautions were instilled. Bush vowed to cut Canada out of the will. Dick Cheney demanded a restriction on imports of Canada Dry and Canadian maple syrup and an outright ban on the sale of all Aldo Nova greatest-hits
compilation records, countrywide.

http://canoe.ca/JamMusicPopEncycloPagesN/nova.html

Donny Rumsfeld, feeling that a nice brutal unprovoked "regime change"
in Canada was, of course, long overdue, immediately called for an insanely violent air assault to be quickly followed by an exhaustive deadly ground invasion on Canadian lumberjacks, one that positively reeks of bogus misinformation and lies and pain and hate and a wildly expensive military probe into the whole hockey thing.

"A really, really long metal fence is what I endorse," oozed Senate majority leader and noted closet Village People megafan Tom DeLay, between tongue baths from his personal herd of mildly narcotized French
poodles. And Dennis Hastert.

"You know, a big strong fence studded all over with those really sharp barb-wire stickler thingies? Like the kind they use on those leather dog collars? The thick black ones with the snaps that feel all tight around your ankles? And you can't help but squirm and moan and get all giddy?" he continued before falling into a fit of uncontrolled swooning.

In the state of Texas except for Austin which everyone knows is surprisingly cool despite how it's in, you know, Texas, where you still cannot legally buy a dildo or engage in homosexual sex but they pretty much hand you a nice big phallic shotgun as a welcome gift when you visit, the legislature immediately passed a law requiring each and every male to smack any other male they see really hard on the back and buy him a pitcher of bad beer in a manly gesture of football-lovin' patriotic homoerotically repressed solidarity.

Reaction was heated. Viewpoints clashed. Families bickered. Birds flew.
Countries sighed. The U.N. napped. Belgians shrugged. Macy's had a big
sale. Love exhaled.

The air was thick with tension. Conservatives were stupefied. The religious right, so accustomed to viewing big scary cities like San Francisco and Amsterdam as debauched hedonistic Sodom-a-raffic pleasure palaces to be avoided like a good book or a genuine orgasm or an original thought, suddenly took one look at a map of the world and
noticed the size of Canada and went, holy crap.

Pat Robertson quietly dreamed of marrying Jerry Falwell. Everyone openly dreamed of pimp-slapping Franklin Graham. Wal-Marts in Canada
were forced to carry issues of Bust and Honcho. Strangely, sales of Jackhammer Jesus dildos increased a hundredfold. Mostly in Texas.

http://divine-interventions.com

Meanwhile, the rest of the largely benevolent and open-hearted and
divinely attuned polyamorous universe just laughed and nodded very,
very approvingly at Canada and said, well Jesus with a riding crop and a rainbow flag, it's about goddamn time, you know?
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patiodog
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 02:55 pm
Uh oh. First pot, now this? It's just gonna kill our property value when we go bankrupt and have to sell. Good neighbors are so hard to find.
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 03:36 pm
I know i've said this elsewhere, but it is just so pertinent here:


Nuke a gay whale for Jesus[/color]
0 Replies
 
patiodog
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 03:45 pm
How 'bout a tactical nuke on a bisexual fur seal? That good enough for ya, jefe?
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 03:53 pm
(General note to patiodog -- I've been slaving away today on fundraising stuff while engaging in a rather heated exchange with some CLUELESS committee members, and every time I come back here you've said something that makes me actually giggle, and that has done wonders for my sanity and prolly kept me from being a mite TOO vicious in my responses to The Clueless Ones. Thanks.)
0 Replies
 
patiodog
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 03:57 pm
Sozobe,

Everything I type has been conceived in with the intention to educate and inform, but if you find some other use for it, more power to you. I only hope that my missives may be of some use to some person out there in cyberspace, so that I can go home knowing that, not only have I staunchly defended my point of view against vicious attack but have also, perhaps, made somebody else's meager existence more meaningful.

Sincerely,
butthead
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 03:59 pm
Ha!

(see?)
0 Replies
 
patiodog
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 04:02 pm
I do, but if you don't mind I must climb back up my tower to make sure no lavender tanks are rumbling southward from British Columbia.
0 Replies
 
cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 04:12 pm
Ooookay...let's get something straight here, <giggles>, everyone knows those Frenchies are gay, let's leave Canadians out of it, shall we?
0 Replies
 
patiodog
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 04:20 pm
Are you a lumberjack?
Are you okay?
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 05:01 pm
I think Setanta is going to have to give up smoking soon. We went downtown to meet Ginny/Longdog for lunch. As everyone knows, tranna has gone the smoke-free restaurant route. As a result, the lad hasta go out to indulge in his addiction. Pride Week starts on Monday, and the tourists have started arriving. Pretty :wink: soon he's going :wink: to lose count :wink: of the number of men :wink: who've hit :wink: :wink: on him. Laughing Tranna can be scary for a big ole southern boy.
0 Replies
 
patiodog
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 05:09 pm
you mean it's not just those kids in the hall?
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 05:29 pm
You didn't know about tranna?

and there were lotsa those gals Slappy's lookin' for in Bahstan.
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patiodog
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 05:37 pm
toronta --> toronta --> tarana --> tranna --> tranny -- is that the way this is going?
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 05:46 pm
cav, We can't leave the Canadians out of it. We greatly appreciate our neighbors to the north that understands humanity, and giving homosexual couples legal rights. c.i.
0 Replies
 
cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 05:56 pm
Oops, c.i., looks like the giggles got dropped from my post for some reason Wink Nemmind, was joking anyhoo.
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 07:48 pm
Them gay boys an' them girl-lovin' girls is jes ever-where, we was awaitin' to cross the street by the Bay there, to get to the subway, when here come a double-decker tourist bus. I can jes hear the guide: "If you will look to your right or left you will see gay Canadians in their natural habitat. Please keep your arms inside the windows, do not feed the gay people."
0 Replies
 
kuvasz
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 09:52 pm
this insideous situation goes back farther than kids in the hall. it started on sctv with edith prickly and johnny la rue (although he denied it, one stills wonders what he really meant when he kept demanding "a crane shot.")

i also heard rumors about doug and bob mckenzie, but since they are personal friends who smuggle me my molsons ale, i won't go there, eh?
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 10:04 pm
This is gonna sort of seep into the USA, you know, cos Canada is "on top" and gravity, although a weak force, is persistent...
0 Replies
 
cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 11:09 pm
See you all on Pride Day. Cheers! Very Happy

Here is the bio of one of Canada's most famous 'pitchers':

Ferguson Arthur Jenkins (1943 - ).... From 1967 to 1980, Canadian Ferguson Arthur Jenkins achieved the improbable----he led Major League Baseball in wins while pitching at home mostly in hitters' ballparks. He earned Hall of Fame status by being the only pitcher in the last 40 years to win 20 games or more a year for six straight seasons.

With a fastball that moved in the strike zone, Jenkins was the premier control pitcher of modern baseball and the best control strikeout artist of all time. With 251 wins in those 14 seasons, he led Major League Baseball (MLB) in games won. He is the only pitcher in MLB history to throw more than 3,000 strikeouts with less than 1,000 walks.

"During those 14 seasons, and for all my career really, I didn't consider pitching to be work- I was having fun playing in the major leagues," Jenkins said. "I had some great managers, such as Leo Durocher, Billy Martin and Don Zimmer. I also had some super guys around me like Ernie Banks, Billy Williams, Ron Santo, Carl Yastrzemski, Carlton Fisk, Jim Sundberg, Mike Hargrove and others who made it fun to play in the big leagues."

The Canadian-born athlete had an All-Star second season as a starting pitcher in ?'67 with the Chicago Cubs after Durocher converted him from a reliever. Drafted from Chatham, Ontario, Canada, by the Philadelphia Phillies in ?'63, Jenkins had worked his way out of the minors, and after a trade, starred for the Cubs.

It was July 11, when the 23-year-old representing the Cubs took the mound for the National League (NL) at Anaheim Stadium in the ?'67 All-Star Game. Known as Fergie, he was on pace to lead the majors with 20 complete games that year and be runner-up in NL Cy Young Award voting. He had a 2.80 ERA to the break, and threw at 93-94 mph with pinpoint control that evening.

The 6-foot-5 right-hander proceeded to strike out six of the best sluggers in modern American League (AL) history. He sat down Harmon Killebrew (who led the league that year with 44 homers), Tony Conigliaro (hitting .297), Mickey Mantle (who had hit his 500th homer on May 14), Jim Fregosi (?'66 AL Rookie of the Year), Rod Carew (future seven-time AL batting crown winner) and Tony Oliva (future three-time AL batting crown winner).

"I had a good first half of the season and was eager to get in there and perform because I knew I was facing the best hitters in the American League," Jenkins said. "I ended up throwing three pretty good innings, striking out those six great hitters. I also gave up a home run to Brooks Robinson that tied the ball game."

Jenkins' six strikeouts in an All-Star Game (where pitchers may only work three innings) put him in the MLB record book. Only Carl Hubbell, Johnny Vander Meer and Larry Jansen match his record as an All-Star strikeout artist. He was selected to the All-Star Game again in ?'71 (when he led the NL with 24 wins) and ?'72.

Jenkins proved to be a durable, consistent strikeout artist for many years to come. He led the NL with 40 starts in ?'68, going 20-15 with a season-record five 1-0 losses. He went on to lead the NL in complete games again in ?'70 and ?'71.

He led the NL in strikeouts in ?'69 with 273, and showed his durability by starting 42 games, tops in the NL that year.

Jenkins set a Cubs' record with 274 strikeouts in ?'70 and pitched more than 308 innings a season from ?'68 to ?'71. He walked less than 84 hitters a season and had six consecutive 20-win seasons as a Cub, ending in ?'72.

He led MLB with the most wins and strikeouts during those six-straight, 20-win years. He built a comfortable lead those years with 11 more wins and 86 more strikeouts than Tom Seaver, while finishing almost 75 percent of his starts.

Jenkins won in double figures his first 14 years as a major-league pitcher and finished with 267 complete games. With 49 career shutouts, his career-total 284 wins represent the most victories ever for a black pitcher in MLB.

All of this occurred at a time in MLB when Jenkins faced three or four batters hitting more than .300 on every team. His superb pitching caused opposing teams to start the best on their staff against him, increasing Jenkins' difficulty of winning.

"From ?'67 through ?'75 there were a lot of premier pitchers who were performing in the major leagues, such as Don Drysdale, Juan Marichal, Bob Gibson and Tom Seaver," Jenkins said. "When it came my turn to pitch in the rotation I had to start against the No. 1 pitcher on the opposing ball club."

Jenkins put together one of the best seasons in the modern era in ?'71 and became the first Cub to win the NL Cy Young Award. With a 2.77 ERA, he led the NL with 24 wins, a career-high 30 complete games and 325 innings. He was chosen The Sporting News NL ?'71 Pitcher of the Year.

That year he halved his normal number of walks by giving up only one per nine innings pitched. He threw 263 strikeouts and 37 bases on balls (a 7.1:1 ratio).

"By far the most productive year for me as a Cub was ?'71. I pitched great in spring training and threw great right on through to win 24 games," Jenkins said. "I also helped by hitting .243 with six home runs, including two in one game. My RBIs won eight of those 24 games that year."

Jenkins was considered a good hitter, but often his Cub teammates were not. His nine-shutout losses in ?'68 were the most in the 20th Century by a 20-game winner.

Unfortunately for Jenkins, his tenure with the Cubs meant he pitched in the smallest, most hitter-friendly ballpark in MLB. Wrigley Field is universally known as a hitters' ballpark, as is Fenway Park, where he pitched as a Boston Red Sox.

"Some of the ball parks I pitched in at home were small by big-league standards, and some of the parks had favorable winds for the hitters," Jenkins said.

In ?'72, he worked with David Fisher to write an illustrated book on conditioning for pitching, pitching delivery and control of movement of the ball. He followed up Inside Pitching the next year with an autobiography, Like Nobody Else: The Fergie Jenkins Story, as told to George Vass.

Jenkins was a complete player. On defense in four seasons (?'68, ?'76, ?'81, and ?'83) he had a 1.000 fielding average. Those four years saw him tie the all-time MLB record as a great fielding pitcher. He also led the league in putouts as a pitcher in ?'71, ?'72 and ?'78 and double plays with five in ?'68.

Following his trade in late ?'73 to the Texas Rangers, Jenkins easily adjusted to AL hitters. He became the Rangers' first 20-game winner in ?'74, posting 25 victories, five against the World Champion Oakland Athletics. He is still the Rangers' only 25-game winner.

This career-high win total tied for the lead in the AL. He also led the AL in pitching 29 complete games and 328 innings. His 45 walks (1.2 per nine innings) and 245 strikeouts gave him a 5.4:1 strikeout-to-walk ratio. He was chosen as The Sporting News AL Comeback Player of the Year in ?'74.

Jenkins and Catfish Hunter tied for the MLB lead with 25 wins. Hunter edged him in the ?'74 AL Cy Young Award voting, although Hunter won five of his games sitting in the dugout.

"It was an outstanding year with Billy Martin as the manager and some great rookies hitting the ball well," Jenkins said. "Fortunately for me they also played some great defense in helping me win 25 games that year."

During his major-league-best 14 seasons from ?'67 to ?'80, Jenkins' 251 wins led Steve Carlton (four Cy Youngs) with 246 wins and Tom Seaver (three Cy Youngs) with 245 wins. Gaylord Perry (two Cy Youngs) had 244 wins and Phil Niekro was fifth with 227 wins. Carlton retired with the second-most strikeouts in MLB history. Jenkins had even greater winning margins over future Hall of Famers Gaylord Perry, Jim Palmer (three Cy Young Awards) and Nolan Ryan (most MLB career strikeouts).

"I am grateful to have won my Cy Young Award, although it was difficult to figure out the voting some years, Jenkins said. "I sometimes had a better season than the guys who won in my time, but often they had played postseason the years before. Maybe the writers voted for pitchers who had good seasons and had been in the spotlight of league championships and the World Series. Unfortunately, I never got to do that."

Jenkins became only the fourth pitcher in history to win more than 100 games in both leagues. Cy Young, Jim Bunning, and Gaylord Perry were the first three to accomplish this rare pitching feat. Only Nolan Ryan and Dennis Martinez have since joined that elite club,

Jenkins played two years for the Rangers and then was traded to the Boston Red Sox. After two years with the Sox, he was traded back to the Rangers, where he played four more years.

In late ?'81, Jenkins became a Cub again as a free agent. In ?'82, he became only the seventh pitcher to amass 3,000 career strikeouts. He finished his career the following year as the Cubs' career and season leader in strikeouts with 2,036 and 274 in the ?'70 season.

His six consecutive 20-game winning seasons as a Cub were rare accomplishments in the majors. Jenkins is the only pitcher in the last 40 years of MLB to accomplish this. Although Jenkins retired in ?'83, it was not until ?'93 that another NL pitcher, Tom Glavine, could put together three straight 20-win seasons.

Pinpoint accuracy allowed him to retire as the ultimate control pitcher in the game, setting the best finesse record in 129 years of organized baseball. The Cubs' strikeout king walked fewer than two batters per nine innings for his 19-year major-league career.

Jenkins is the only pitcher in history to record more than 3,000 strikeouts (3,192), while giving up less than 1,000 walks (997). He finished with a superb strikeout-to-walk ratio (3.2:1). At career end, he was ninth on the all-time strikeout list, and is now tenth.

In ?'88, he moved to Oklahoma City, Okla., from Canada to become the pitching coach for the then Oklahoma City 89ers, the Triple A Texas Rangers farm club. During his two-year stint as an 89ers coach, he bought a 160-acre ranch just north of Guthrie, Okla., and began raising Appaloosa horses.

Jenkins was enshrined in the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, N.Y., on July 21, ?'91. He was voted in with Rod Carew (one of the six he struck out in the ?'67 All-Star Game) and Gaylord Perry. Nolan Ryan recently joined Jenkins and Perry as the only former Texas Rangers in the Hall of Fame.

Jenkins is the only Canadian honored in Cooperstown. He was inducted into the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame in ?'87.

After coaching minor-league pitchers for the Texas Rangers and Cincinnati Reds, he was the Chicago Cubs' pitching coach for the ?'95 and ?'96 seasons.

Exactly 28 years after his pinpoint control and six strikeouts in the ?'67 All-Star Game, Jenkins was the NL honorary coach for the ?'95 All-Star Game. His selection heralded his return to MLB. The Texas Rangers were the host club at The Ballpark in Arlington. Retired Ranger Nolan Ryan was the AL honorary coach that year.

Jenkins now works with the Major League Baseball Players Alumni Association (MLBPAA). As a MLBPAA board member he raises money for worthy causes and charities by making public appearances and speeches. Attending the annual induction ceremonies and special functions at the Hall of Fame are annual highlights for him. He also donates his time to many charity events organized by former teammates.

On the broadcast side, he has granted countless interviews to the national media and been a color analyst for MLB games. He has appeared in American and Canadian baseball-oriented programs. Displaying a blend of sincerity and credibility as the ultimate control pitcher of the modern era, Jenkins has moved easily from the world of sports. He has adapted to business as a rancher and assumed a role in Oklahoma's sports heritage preservation and civic involvement.

Jenkins was a founder of the Oklahoma Sports Museum (OSM) in ?'92. He speaks to youth groups for the OSM about his career and the dangers of using drugs and alcohol. "I'm proud to speak to youth groups and ask Oklahoma Olympic and pro athletes for items for museum displays," Jenkins said.

Jenkins was voted one of the top 100 baseball players of the 20th Century in June of ?'99 by the Society for American Baseball Research. © 1999-2001 By Darl DeVault
0 Replies
 
 

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