I'm Crap At Small Talk

Had a mini lightbulb ]:idea:[/size] moment from ruminating on this subject.

Back in my corporate days, we had to entertain educators, administrators, and VIPs. I did my fair share, but was often asked to join other people who had to do the entertaining. I frequently went, but was not happy about it. It was after hours. When I learned of yet another command performance, I complained to my boss. She said I was needed there. "Why?" "For conversation," she said. "Huh?" was my snappy response. "It's hard to talk to these people," she said. There was some interruption, and I never got to find out what she meant.

I think now I know. These high-level and relatively sophisticated types had trouble making conversation with people they didn't know and had little in common with. This statement led me to another mini lightbulb. [size=7][/size] I always found something in common. Never realized it before.

Thanks for bringing up the subject. And sorry to be rambling.

I really cant stand small-talk, why should I put up with talking about the weather or sports when all I really want to do is leave and be with people I connect with.

Why would anyone put themselves through that?

sometimes you don't have any choice Coolwhip.

1. People really like to talk about themselves, so encourage them. What the world really needs is more, and better listeners. Be gracious enough to let the other person take the conversational lead. Avoid being argumentative. The real danger is that far too often we feel like we need to impress our listners, or tell them more than they want to know about us. Reveal "your self" gradually, leaving room for a touch of mystery that will draw people back to you later. A touch of aloofness is a hard for a lot of people.

2. Sincerity counts a lot, but flattery also has it's place. Benjamin Disraeli was one of the most effective 19th century British Prime Ministers. When asked about the reasons for his success, his reply was, "Flattery always works, but with women and royalty it needs to be laid on with a trawl". Well modern expectations may moderate the Prime Minister's advice, but it still has some value. Its easy to find nice things to say about most people, though overlooking their faults may sometimes take considerable self-discipline.

3. Appearance and the poise that comes from self-confidences is hard to over state. Dress properly for the occasion, but never allow your appearance to seem vulgar or "over the top". People are judged quickly on their appearance and their social "importance". First impressions are hard to overcome, so project the best image possible. The closer your image is to the "real" you the better, and the more comfortable you will be in it. Shy people have to be confident enough to accentuate themselves without becoming a stereotype.

4. Good manners and etiquette are a buffer against embarrassment and social faus pas. Its unfortunate that so many moderns seem to go out of their way to behave in a boorish manner. Read a book or two on etiquette, it really won't hurt you and put into practice it will greatly improve your social standing and confidence.

5. If you must drink, do it with great moderation. A single well-watered drink can last for hours while others are rushing toward embarrassing intoxication. Drunks aren't amusing, nor interesting.

6. Don't be down hearted if your best efforts fall on fallow ground. In the words of an old Gunnery Sgt., "F**k'em if they can't take a joke".

Asherman, that was a lovely and comprehensive guide to enduring "smalltalk" and all the social bull-**** that goes with it. Thank you.

Love that "**** 'em if they can't take a joke".

In order to start the process of meeting people who you connect with. After all, I doubt it's terribly meaningful for the first half hour or so that you know someone.

I heard a quote recently 'Nobody really listens, we are merely waiting until its our turn to talk'.

I hate small talk that is unavoidable...the unavaoidable and dull...wait for it...'hi, how are you?'

Id prefer to say to someone 'Hi, what you been up to?'

Its nice that people act as tho they care but I always get the standard answer..'yeah Im fine...you?' unthought about reply 'yeah, fine thanks'............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DRIVES ME ****ING NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do people Ive never met ask me how I am!!??
If people are going to ask shall I give them the answer i really want to give?
Would it be considered rude, even if it were true?

If I HAVE to ask somebody how they are Id prefer them to think about the answer and say 'well my wife left me and Ive got an odd rash I cant get rid of, but other than that, Im fine'.

Forgot to say, I met somebody form the army a while back.
He said theres no small talk in the army.If you phone someone its immediately staright to the point.
I almost fainted, then thought about signing up!

Thats just how they paid for the war, no phone bills.

So. Weather. Uh, brutal.

What Asherman said reminded me of the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. It was written somewhere around the 30's and is still a very popular book. Read it, you'll get a strong grasp on what Ash is talking about.

"How to Win Friends and Influence People" remains one of the better self-help books, and its advice is generally outstanding. Membership in Toast Masters is also a pretty good way to become comfortable speaking extemporaneously.

Telephone chit-chat is a bit different from what we encounter with social discourse. I'm of the generation that grew up believing that telephones were for transacting necessary business, rather than for keeping in touch with friends. The military tends to take the same view.

Toward the end of my career, I and my group were often assigned to improve the performance and productivity of various governmental units. By insisting that my staff and the "target" organization use the following telephone answering formula, we consistently improved telephone usage and communication clarity. Every telephone call was to be answered with: "Good day, you've reached (organization name). I'm (employee's name), how can I help you today?" This formula identifies both the organization and employee taking the call immediately so that wrong numbers take up the shortest time possible, and the caller is reassured that a real, helpful human being is on the line. "How can I help you ..." cuts directly to the purpose of the call, and (... today) focuses the call on specifics rather than on generalizations. Adoption of this simple formula is a relatively fast and easy fix that helped us begin to work on improved organizational communications ... a frequent problem with low performing units. A very similar formula should help when you originat e a call. "Good day, this is (name) from (organization). Could you help me by .... ". A friendly greeting, followed by identifying yourself and organization, helps establish a firm ground for the call, followed immediately by a short purpose for the call that can easily be understood and responded to, is both effective and efficient. Taking care of business promotes your image as professional and thrifty in spending telephone time. Telephone calls that go on and on and on should be avoided.

Asher, I'm very impressed with what you wrote. You're a smart guy, you are! Although, you may not hear me say that in a political atmosphere

Good to see ya :-D

Oh my god, you sound like me

Talking about telephones.
Today the boss was out of town, me and the foreman were left to hold down the chaos. She (foreman) had to go out to take care of some locations. I stayed in the shop. She called 4-5 times (I lost count) and every single time I picked up the phone, she was like "Hiiiiiiiiii" in an enthusiastic high pitched way, as if she hadn't talked to me in years. Yes, her phone conversations are too long. Even in person, what should only take one clear, well-thought-out sentence, takes her some long ramble. No, she does not listen well, she's too busy talking.

Sorry needed to get that rant out of my system...

I'm not good at small talk either. I usually only bother to speak if I have something to say. I'm just not one for mindless chatter. Among friends, yeah, I can talk and talk. Among my co-workers, I can talk, but they are also used to my silences. Where I'm taking it in or blocking it all out. I don't bother to argue points with people that aren't willing to listen to my points. Some talking just seems like a waste of breath to me.

I don't enjoy social situations where I really don't know anyone. But I can usually find someone to talk to. I guess I'm quieter in large group discussions and better with one on one chats.

I like the advice I've heard here.
I will probably spend some time thinking about it.
Still more comfortable with people that know me though.

Why do I post here then? Am I trying to expand?


Maybe

Nowt' wrong with a bit of expansion, Caribou.