Now I know why I run, and so...

Good going, flushd!

Being able to take down the walls is just one measure of your progress in acknowledging your self worth.

You are a person who should be treated gently and taken seriously.

Continue to enlarge your dominion.

Hi flushd, just saw this thread. Don't believe you really need advice - you're doing so well...

Sending you good wishes

Thank you. It's good to see you, sakhi.

Noddy, you are so on. Those words have been bouncing in my head for days.

I really need to vent.
I'm feeling like this fragile little crystal ball that can break at the slightest touch. It's alien, I barely remember feeling this way, and I'm scared.

Maybe it is because I have played roughouse for so long. Maybe because it is because no one knows, or wants to know anymore. Maybe it is because I'm just being a damn fool; selfish and so far away from sense that I am now alone with this without knowing what to do. I don't know or it is I don't want to know: the numbness is still precious to me. Still precious.

We had a stupid date. For tonight. And I got all ready, put real time and effort into making it a great night, and then at the last minute I find out he is cancelling.
Because of work, he says.
And I don't believe him. His voice was weird and it seemed wrong.

What did I do but fake my god damn way through that call?
He says he is sorry and set up right away for another time. I say Okay.
And red fury boiled inside while that chipper fake voice said goodbye and wished him a good night.

F/ck, I never set out to be a person involved in drama.
I hate it, and I hate myself for feeling this way.

I hate myself for caring. Insane? F/ck if I know, but this can't be healthy.

I sat down and I cried. And cried. And cried. And thought myself pathetic.
And cried when I realized I am feeling sorry for myself.

And cried some more when I realized there is no one to call to go have drinks with, or coffee, or to just bullshit with.
They have families, plans, and if not: f/ck, I cried because I knew I wouldn't call them anyways. 'Cause that would actually be good for me, and asking someone to give me some loving care.

I cried and I started talking to who knows who in this pathetic little voice.
Take care of me. Take care of me. Love me. Love me.

I want to be taken care of. I had a brief, intense fantasy of him taking complete control.
Control of me, control of my life, control of everything.
And not abusing it.
Not abusing me.
Doing it all right.

This is really sick, is it? I'm not an independent strong woman right now.
I'm that thing.

This is really sick.
Logically, I know I am not reacting normally.
He may be going to work, he may be just finding an excuse because I've exposed too much of my neediness.

I'm so f/cked, I can only think of myself. Whatever he has to do: not mine to influence or make a change in.
Not my responsibility.
I don't want responsibility.
I don't want any of it.
I don't want to grow up. I want to be a kid. Let me be a kid.
Show me how to grow into me. Give a damn.

I am so pathetic, the only friend I can talk to anymore is an old man who gets paid to listen to me.
And even he wants to dope me up. For functional purposes, and all that.

This isn't functional. This is dysfunctional. Sure, there are a lot of people as or more f/cked up than me. But f/ck it.
I want to care about me without kicking myself in the face every time something good happens.
I want to know what it feels like to feel reasonably safe in the world. Enough to think of what I want for myself, rather than what will get me by another day.

I don't understand. I try so f/cking hard, but it seems I've been f/cked from the beginning. Doing the same stupid **** over and over. Blind as a bat. Scared as a mouse.

thanks. Needed to get that out. Sorry for all the f slash ck s. Expletives or word garbage, whatever.
I'll make it but it sure feels good to ramble on about my feelings and to actually feel em.

Hang in there, Girl...

Venting is a great thing in this situation. I used my journal for that for years (and have a lot of entries that are very, very similar to yours, I think).

It really could've just been that he couldn't make it. I hope so, and that you guys can continue this journey together 'cause it sounds promising. But the journey sounds promising regardless... it really sounds like you're figuring out some important stuff.

Agree that you should vent and feel free to put as much f/ck in it as you need to. Here, I'll drink with you. Vodka and tonic for me, what'll you have?

His voice was all wrong... that could mean what you think it means, or it could mean that he is aware, because of previous conversations, that you might think the worst and so he's trying too hard or is just weird out of awareness, if that makes sense.

I believe strongly in the value of a good self-pitying wallow among friends. Please feel free. You need another shot?

I like margaritas. But anything is good when I want a drink!

I don't usually drink anymore except for the occasional glass of wine. Last night I did though, and my head hurts. I only had a few, but guess that was enough.

Thank you for your friendship, girls. Though it's across a forum, it means something to me. I'd drink with any of you any time. And thanks for relating - somehow, knowing that even great women such as yourself can understand being in this stinky place, it makes me feel a lot less crazy.

I'd forgotten about journals, and poetry, and art, and singing and dancing and how happy it makes me, how it has this power to transform difficulties into something beautiful and with space.
I guess this is a bit of tangeant, about myself, but I used to be so different you know?
I used to go swimming, to the gym, hiking, playing, dancing, just having a good old time with life. Somewhere it got so numb and I've felt inadequate to do anything except trudge along.

Last night after my good wallow, and washing up my swollen face I called my friend who I had been agonizing over - 'does she like me anymore' blah blah blah. So stupid! The poor woman is struggling with her own ****: a break-up, a close friend who has moved away, (lack of meaningful) employment.
We went dancing and it felt so good. I love dancing!

I'm feeling that you are right Soz: no matter how this plays out in the end, it's important and it needs to happen. So I'm going to try my damnest to suck every drop from it and learn what I can about myself. He certainly is great motivation! shh I think I love him

Flushd--

From venting to dancing....

That shows considerable progress.

You're returning to being a woman who enjoys her own company and who can provide herself with delight.

The Man out there is getting a bargain in you.

Not sure, if I was right where you are now, but after a disastrous 6-year relationship, which left me depressed and only a shadow of my former self, I got back to being content in myself, I could go out and have lots of fun with people, there where even some guys I got involved with. Nothing serious though!
I'd rather end a friendship, if I realized the other part was getting to serious.
Then I met my (now) husband.
I remember telling him about one week into our going out, that I was worried about getting to close, but then, him being an American, stationed in Germany, I thought, he'll be leaving sooner or later, anyway, and that will be the end of our relationship.
Six months later (or so) we started talking of love, but for me it was still a temporary thing.
Then (mayby two years later) I started to actually worry about losing him.
I knew that I did not want to live without him any more.
Shortly afterwards he asked me to marry him.
My first response was absolute panic, and I burst into tears.
He was so cool, though, and told me I did not have to anwer straight away. I think he was disappointed, though.
We talked a lot about the future, and I told him that I did not want to move to the States. He always told me that sooner or later, he'd want to go back. His answer then was: We will find a way!
And then I just knew: Yes, we will find a way, and I did say YES that night.

It has been nearly three years, we are still in Germany, but we might have to move to the States for two to three years, before he gets out the army. I am quite OK with that. He promised that we would definitely come back to Germany, if that was what I wanted.

Well, not sure if it is any help.
I think my story though says: If both of you want it, and you work together, you can do it!

Just catching up, flushd. As I read your rant post (rants are good for the soul) the thought that you were sounding 'in love' ran through my head. Letting someone behind the walls is scary indeed. He might or might not be who you think he is, or he might be much of who you think he is, even if he isn't the total package. Only time and the opportunity to show himself will let you know. You can go back behind the walls or you can stay vulnerable for a bit to see how it plays out. One is a retreat, the other is a further step along the path. Relationships do come with disappointments. The test is whether the overall plusses outweigh the minuses.

I'm glad you went out and had a good time with your friend. I'm also glad that you can vent here as needed. Just coming here and opening up might indicate the walls aren't as thick as they used to be.

Continued best wishes on your journey, flushd. It's not easy, but it's definitely worth it.

Noddy: Thank you.
I'm going to let that boost me this time and take it for what it is. I appreciate the kind words.

Bohne, Yes, it does help!
Sounds familiar..very familiar.
We've been seeing each other - ohh, I don't remember dates! He does, though, and that feels rather nice. The point is: it's been quite a while now (at least 6 months, somehow feel longer ).
Right from the get go my thoughts were 'well, it's not like it is serious or forever. I can leave at any time. I'll just see how it goes...' (side thoughts: if it's too hard, I'll just leave).
Not so great, but the truth, and I am quite sure I didn't fool him about that either.
And my hesitancy has already been addressed by him, real gently, when it was needed. (And I'm grateful for that)
But, at the same time I have (more or less) worked very hard not to let any of my issues seep through and get me acting like a dramaqueen or pulling the rug from under him...it's been fairly steady, building nice and slow. The way I like it. Seems more sensible than anything I've been involved with before.

I was thinking about him tonight at work and little bells went off.
This man has provided me with dependability: something I've been craving.
He keeps his word, he's got a good look of the bigger picture, he
talks to me about what is going on with him and his feelings about me.
Oh what a concept! lol. Well, it really is something almost weird to me.
And I love it.

Anyhow, it explains why a cancellation of a date disappointed me so badly that it through me all over the place.
He did have to work. Sheesh, and it shouldn't even have been such a big surprise to me as his work is important to him and does sometimes mean that he has to go at the last minute.
(He surprised me last night with a visit and an apology. We talked about it briefly - wow, to just TALK to each other about what is going on. Yeah, roger, yeah, roger, you are right. )

JPB, thanks.

Yeah, seems to be so. I know it without shame now. I mean, the fact that I think about him and laugh with glee, and find myself thinking of all sorts of crazy things that 'remind me of him' has been a bit of a tip off.
My complexion looks really good. lol.

The only thing now is that I know that my own journey here is giving me somewhat undependable vision.
At first, it was undependable because what I mostly saw was all the negatives: and couldn't see the 'good' for what it is.
Right now, I feel that swing to seeing good everywhere and maybe could be thrown off from the real 'flaws' and possible problem areas
.
So I won't be accepting any huge propositions right at the moment.
More time is needed for sure. And possibly, a lot of it.

I do know I want to do this with him. That is something. I want to know more about him, and to treat him well. I want to make him happy, and I want to be happy.
Been a long time since it has been simple like that.

For anything to work, and I think the biggest challenge (and the only thing I have control over anyways) is straightening up myself and getting to that place where I can be more and more of myself, and less and less about reactions.

My hope is that he will have the patience and desire to stick around.

thanks. This is helping.

Flushd--

Remember, you're worth sticking around for. You deserve Prince Charming.

Noddy: I am starting to believe that. It feels good.

Just wanted to update and share that it is going well.

2006 is proving to be worth sticking around for. I feel triumphant. I'm reclaiming my life.
Yes, I am proud of myself for making it.

Happy to be rejoining the living and the loving. Best Christmas present ever!

Flushd--

Since you recognize your good fortune, you'll keep your good fortune.

May 2007 also be a year of joy and growth.

Hold your dominion.