Now I know why I run, and so...

An off the wall answer, perhaps, but have you considered discussing it with your fella?

I somewhat understand your journey, flush'd. On the other hand, I'm not smart enough to help.


Hang in.

When you're ready to deal with it, you won't have to.

I feel so badly that I have no experience to share with you on this. You've helped me with some of my issues and I greatly appreciate your words.
I'll keep reading as I'd like to see you work through this. Good luck

I recommend Rhonda Britten. Here's a link to an interview with her. She's a life coach and was one of the co-coaches of NBC's TV show Starting Over. Sounds like you and she have a similar pattern to dealing with life.

http://www.dymocks.com.au/contentstatic/literarymatter/interviews/rhonda_britten.asp

She's written a few books, Fearless Living is her best one I think. It is full of a bunch of exercises and client stories. I have found it helpful in my own process. She also has a blog that is good reading.

http://www.fearlessliving.org/blog/rhonda

I'll be back.

flushd,
The most important thing to remember is acceptance. Acceptance of human flaws, acceptance of who you are and understanding of the reasons we are who we are. Also remember that you are in control. Our past doesn't define us. It affects us, but only if we let it. I know it sounds stupid to say it but believe me, most of us know that we don't believe it all the time.

Our situations might not be the same but I think the answer is the same. It's all a state of mind. Easier said than done I know. But before I launch into this big long post, let me say that my battle has been with depression. For a long time, (10+ years) I've dealt with it. I tried drugs. I tried therapy. Nothing worked to get me out of my funk. Mostly because my mind wasn't in the game. I wasn't willing to change the way I reacted to and thought about things. Depression doesn't just go away. Anyone who's suffered with depression knows it lurks in background just waiting for something to throw you back into it's clutches. But the minute I accepted that depression was a part of me and that while I couldn't control the depression, I could control how I responded to it, things began to get better. I still struggle with it. And some times, I get pretty low. But it is never the vortex it was before. And I can always pull myself back to the real world. That being said....

First of all, you need to figure out what triggers this reaction. Forget the actual reaction. Focus on the root of this reaction. Is it really caused by what you think it is caused by? It may be but then again, maybe it isn't. It's ok to not know at first. The shrink can help you find this out just by your talking. Keep talking. You'd be amazed at what comes out and what you discover about yourself when you just let it all hang out. If you are already sure you know what causes this reaction (example: you push away from someone when they get too close because you were betrayed by someone very close to you) then it is time to re-program your brain.

I know that sounds funny but it's true. You might not be able to change the feeling or the immediate gut reaction right away but by recognizing it (you have) and accepting it (I don't know if you have) you can stop it from consuming you and running the show. It takes practice, patience and a lot of work. You'll have to explain to this man what's going on or he might run.

The first step is recognizing the trigger. Say every time he goes to initiate sex (I have no clue what the issue is, this is just an example) you suddenly have the urge to run out the door. Is it the sex or the emotional closeness?

Once you determine what causes (exactly) your reaction, you need to figure out what triggers the trigger. If that makes sense. If emotional closeness freaks you out, what caused the fear of emotional closeness? There is almost always a chain of events leading up to any present issue we have. Sometimes, you can figure it out. Some times, you can't. But if we can pin point the time it started, it can help us better understand why we are the way we are now. And understanding is the second key to changing your mindset.

One of the biggest problems we have when it comes to mental health is that people don't understand it. And by mental health, I mean anything that has to do with our emotions or our self value/image. If you don't understand it, you fear it. If you fear it, you ignore it and push it away. And since it doesn't go away, you have this festering issue that will eventually push it's way to the top and cause big problems.

Once you know and understand, you can start stopping the reaction in it's tracks. I know it sounds weird but seriously, once you understand something it's much easier to stop it from spiraling out of control. Because suddenly, it's not so big anymore. It's this small part of you. Not the big chunk on your shoulder you can't seem to get out from under.

I don't know how to tell you to stop the reaction you have. I can't say because 1) I don't know the issue 2) I don't know you and 3) only you know what works for you. It won't happen right away but slowly you will find whatever works that snaps you back when you start to drift.

Maybe this is totally and completely out there but I seriously believe that we are all masters of our destiny and that all of us put up blocks to keep ourselves from seeing all that we consist of; the good, the bad and the ugly parts of ourselves. We might not like every thing that we are, but if we don't accept everything, we are fighting a losing battle.

We cannot escape our nature.

You may always have these issues. The good news is that they don't have to control you. When they hit, you can stop, refocus and continue on with your life.

It's not easy but it's worth it.

Hi, flushd.

My advice: if you must talk to a shrink make sure he/she is as interested in solving the problem as you are. They make good money, after all. If you feel disappointed after a session, be sure to communicate that feeling to your shrink. Otherwise, it could drag on and on forever and go nowhere. (personal experience. . . can you tell?)

Flushd--





Don't borrow trouble. I'd guess that your way of coping with your background means that you feel safer when you're in charge. You like to head off problems before they become painful.

Thanks to maturity and therapy, you're working on replacing blind panic with logic. This is progress.

Roger has an excellent point about talking with your swain. You wouldn't be asking him to solve your problems or to carry your burdens--just to be aware that you come with baggage.

I'll bet he does, too.

Bella has some very good notions about domesticating your sense of panic. Make it a useful companion rather than a destructive beast.
After all, who does the panic belong to and why did you adopt the critter in the first place?

Think of yourself as having a ticklish psyche. A little tickling can be pleasant, but make it clear to your swain that you don't intend to tolerate bullying tickling.

You don't have to drag all your skeletons out of the closet at once. Let him meet them one at a time, when the atmosphere is right. You know full well you do not want to rush into intimacy.

Back to "Don't borrow trouble." Your relationship is developing. There will be some sticky moments, but if this guy is a keeper, the two of you can get past the sticky moments. If not....then a "until death do us part" relationship would be pure hell.

Hold your dominion.

Hi flushd. Some of this sounds very familiar. I'm afraid that, for me, drugs helped, and I don't mean the prescription kind. That is in no way a recommendation, just that it was positive for me to alter my consciousness temporarily so that I could work things out. I was also lucky to have 4 sisters and a few good friends to play mutual shrink with. My only advice is to keep an open mind, and to try to consciously observe yourself. Try to zoom out, so to speak and watch yourself in action. Many times we can observe things in others and understand it completely, but somehow miss it in ourselves. By trying to see yourself as an outsider, you might see something you missed.

And the journey is long -- very long. I still take them now and again, but without the substances.

Re: Now I know why I run, and so...


Hi flushd. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I know it's tough. I have a few things to offer here I think that might be helpful I hope.

#1 Don't go trying to make this happen too fast and drag things up yourself. It's natural to want to get through it as quick as possible, but I found out the hard way that my mind and my conscience really know when I'm ready and will bring things back at the right time without any extra help from me.

#2 Be ready to hurt again. If you run there is a reason. Most likely something that hurt you in the past. Unfortunately the only way to get over the pain is to experience the pain again in the healing process. However, the beauty of being willing to do that is once you've dealt with it it's over. It's not going to be able to rear it's ugly head again because through dealing with it you will have truly let it go.

#3 Talk to him about it. Don't try to hide it from him because if you do he could easily misunderstand or take it as you withdrawing or changing your mind about him or something along those lines. I'm not saying you have to share everything by any means. But just be open and honest with him about what's going on with you as you go through the process of dealing with this stuff so he doesn't end up feeling isolated and like you don't want his help or support.

#4 Be real with yourself. Be willing to see yourself for who you are, the good with the bad. We've all got both, but the hardest times I've ever had are the times I haven't been willing to see that and accept it.

Those were the most important things for me as I was going through my process. I hope that helps. I used to be a master runner myself. I think the hardest part for me was getting to the place where I actually believed that some things were more important and worth fighting for than trying to protect myself. The walls I thought I was building to protect myself from being hurt were actually the walls that separated me from the rest of the world and left me feeling isolated and alone. I know this might feel scary to you flushd and I don't know if my saying this will be worth much but I'm proud of you, and I believe in you. Hang in there. We'll be here if you need us.



Osso, no matter how smart you do or don't think you are... you have plenty to offer. I just wanted to tell you that.

I've read through this many, many times.

Thanks. For listening, and for the insights and encouragement.

Will post more in response. Trying to soak it in right now.

I had an appointment today that shed a lot of light. Your responses helped a lot.

Roger, yes, that makes sense. Unfortunately, the very thing that is my *problem* is talking and sharing. So Mister is now rather confused at my roller-coaster messages.
Guess I was wondering how to smooth the ride for him a little bit. Not take him on the full vomit-and-shakes part...y'know.

Bella, special thanks. Lots you said there that I was having trouble getting out , or admitting, and that is very helpful.

I am starting to actually trust this person, which is amazing. Didnt realize how far from trust I actually have gone.

Just...thanks all.

flushd--

Hold your dominion.

Trust yourself and your own heart and you will be able to learn to trust anyone.

Trust myself. Exactly.
Deep breath.

Last night I got to spend a little time with Mister. I tried something I hadn't dared in quite a while (sad, I know, but this is being honest), which is just telling him what I was really feeling and letting myself be vulnerable. It is freaking time. Something that felt risky to me, rolled the dice anyways and did it.

It felt really good. Like a release. And funny, once I said it, it didn't even concern me so much what his reaction was (as in, it is the truth, so whatever happens I can deal with it). But, his response was nice. He opened up too.
Felt closer to him. Now it is out there, and I don't feel so alone carrying it either.

I know this all may sound silly, yet it is real easy to have walls and 'get away with it' in the short run (even a few years, but it all comes back at ya somehow).
In the past, seems I attracted and was attracted to the kinds of men who would put up with that, or were happy about it for their own reasons and whatnot....only once ever before, had that distance been truly bridged.

What gets me is how this entire time I have intellectually known that holding back and wearing a guard actually makes me vulnerable, it didn't make it any easier to convince myself to let it go. Needed some concrete direction in new ways to be. Sometimes I feel I did not learn a lot of these things when i 'should' have. but that is pointless to harp on here.

Anyhow, yall are right. It is about being real about oneself. And Noddy, you are right about the Control.
I've been trying to control as much as possible and head off problems at the go. Anything complicated with hurt feelings - my attitude has sort of been 'well, it's not worth it then' or 'f off, leave me alone'.

Real nice.

Holding dominion and feeling warm thinking of what i have been denying myself. Oy!

Yeah!! Your leap of faith worked out!



Not silly at all. I am the queen of walls.

I am glad that things are looking up.

flushd,

You're a strong, smart girl. From what I know of you, this thread is for your own release, and I don't believe for a minute that you actually need any advice...just maybe someone to listen. So that's my encouragement to you. Letting you know, that I know, that you don't really need it.

Thanks.

The "letting go" seems to really be key to all of this. It was for me, and it sounds like it is for you too. And it sounds like you're getting the hang of it.