THE UNCLE ELLPUS PROBLEM PAGE.

Dear uncle Ellpus,
When I awake each morning I have an enormous....... headache.
Should I take my wifes advice and slam the wardrobe door on it, or should I stand at the window and massage my .......headache until its gone?

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dadpad wrote:

Dear uncle Ellpus,
When I awake each morning I have an enormous....... headache.
Should I take my wifes advice and slam the wardrobe door on it, or should I stand at the window and massage my .......headache until its gone?

0 Replies

dadpad wrote:

Dear uncle Ellpus,
When I awake each morning I have an enormous....... headache.
Should I take my wifes advice and slam the wardrobe door on it, or should I stand at the window and massage my .......headache until its gone?

Dear dadpad, with regards to your enormous "headache", you should take the time and trouble, to demonstrate to your wife that she is missing out on a multitude of opportunites to put such a thing to good use in other ways.
For instance, a "headache" can be employed as a useful lever when she wishes to get herself out of bed. Furthermore, a feather duster, tied onto the main part of the "headache", can remove cobwebs at waist height around the house, simply by the "headachee" taking a casual stroll.
Let her consider her options whilst she gently strokes your "headache" away, and let her make her final decisions whilst preparing you a lovely meal.

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Meanwhile, "Jay Peebee" writes.....

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: My dear Mrs Peebee, your clitorialised regions are of no concern to your husband, I'm afraid.
If you must play around with them, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift.
To ease your selfish guilt regarding this matter, it would be advisable to perform oral sex on your poor hubby, and cook him a delicious meal.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We now move onto a slightly different problem, with "Ratz Gussethumper", who sent this question by carrier pigeon.........

Q. Dear Uncle Ellpus, I have enjoyed having oral sex performed on me every day for the past 64 years. I am now reaching the milestone of my 80th birthday soon, and ask if you know any way that I might get a human to perform this act on me, as I've heard that's pretty good. It would certainly be a good way to celebrate the day.

A. Dear Mr Gussethumper, although one should always strive for human partners, one should never take for granted the joys of a good Beauvine BJ.
Having said this, I can fully understand that, after 64 years of experiencing the "delights of Daisy", one would feel the urge to try it with a biped for a change.
My advice would be to think this over whilst Daisy does the honours, as it may be worth your while just to teach Daisy how to cook a delicious meal for you.

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Wow! This is just the place for a sweet young innocent like me to really learn what it's all about!

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I think you're right, lezzles.

I'll just be quiet and listen in...

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Hi Lord,

I saw my mother in law naked. I even saw my father in law naked the next day.

How should I kill myself?

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Hello, Vinsan, It's a coincidence that you mention your in laws, as I've just stood outside in the street and watched six men kicking and punching my mother in law.
My neighbour said 'Aren't you going to help?'
I said 'No, Six should be enough."

In answer to your question, I would recommend that you glue a little picture of a naked Kylie Minogue in the keyhole of your in law's bedroom door, or just try and find a more worthwhile activity, other than peeking at them when they are undressing.
For instance, have you tried having someone perform oral sex on you whilst they are taking a quick break from cooking you a really nice Coq au Vin?
You never know, it may be worth a shot.

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Dear Lordy, since I dont have a woman to perform oral and cook a nice meal for me (which seems to be the solution to all problems), what advise do you have for me?

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the prince wrote:

Dear Lordy, since I dont have a woman to perform oral and cook a nice meal for me (which seems to be the solution to all problems), what advise do you have for me?

I'm sorry to hear of your dilemma, Prince, but may I suggest that you take your mind off your troubles by doing some charity work, which is always good for the soul and could help you find some inner gratification.

In an effort to help you find a charitable cause to get your teeth into, may I suggest that you contact Ratz Gussethumper, who is desperate to celebrate his forthcoming 80th birthday by having someone provide a special service.

You would make an old man very happy, even though the task in hand would probably be quite hard, especially if he has remembered to take his little blue pills.

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Meanwhile, I have just received a PM from a concerned female member, who writes.....

Q: My husband always has an organism then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: My dear, I'm not sure that I understand your problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal afterwards?

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Funny thread, L.E.

http://www.dormgear.net/images/bottoms-up-shot-shot-glass.gif

Here's to 'ya.

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Ellpus
Every time my little dog, Dolly, rolls over on her back with her legs outstretched, My slightly larger dog, Madison, rushes over and licks her peeing spot. This is really embarrasing when I have guests.

I don't know how they learned to do this.

Another problem, How do I keep Dolly and Maddy out of my bedroom when my lover is with me?

BBB Embarrassed

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Lord Ellpus wrote:

the prince wrote:
Dear Lordy, since I dont have a woman to perform oral and cook a nice meal for me (which seems to be the solution to all problems), what advise do you have for me?

I'm sorry to hear of your dilemma, Prince, but may I suggest that you take your mind off your troubles by doing some charity work, which is always good for the soul and could help you find some inner gratification.

In an effort to help you find a charitable cause to get your teeth into, may I suggest that you contact Ratz Gussethumper, who is desperate to celebrate his forthcoming 80th birthday by having someone provide a special service.

You would make an old man very happy, even though the task in hand would probably be quite hard, especially if he has remembered to take his little blue pills.

But doesnt chairty always begins at home? And I am not sure an 80yr old man will be up for a transatlantic travel.

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Nice come-back-line, Prince.

Ah, Spany, you've given me great laughter this morning Laughing

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Re: Ellpus

BumbleBeeBoogie wrote:

Every time my little dog, Dolly, rolls over on her back with her legs outstretched, My slightly larger dog, Madison, rushes over and licks her peeing spot. This is really embarrasing when I have guests.

I don't know how they learned to do this.

Another problem, How do I keep Dolly and Maddy out of my bedroom when my lover is with me?

BBB

Ah yes, I once saw my friend's dog reach round and start licking his own undercarriage.
I said "I wish I could do that", to which my friend replied "Well, he'll let you if you ask him nicely"

I'm afraid I don't really have an answer to the doggie problem, BBB, as I am only an expert on matters human.

As far as improving the romantic situation with your lover, however, I would certainly recommend lots of vaseline.
Spread that liberally on the doorknob, and it should prevent Dolly and Maddy from gaining entry.
You will then be free to put the residue vaseline on your hands to good use, before going down to the kitchen and preparing your man a plateful of Fillet Mignon.

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the prince wrote:

But doesnt chairty always begins at home? And I am not sure an 80yr old man will be up for a transatlantic travel.

I've been in touch with Farmaid regarding this matter, Prince, and they assure me that they can get him to travel as far as New York, to coincide with your next visit to that fine city.
If you're worried about doing this sort of charity work, I would suggest that you just give it a try and see how it goes.....a sort of "suck it and see" scenario, if you like.

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Dar uncle ellpus, My 15 year old son has a girls tounge lodged permantly in his throat.

Will he suffocate? Should I rescue him?

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Dear lord, woncha buy me... a mer...cedes... benz?

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