Hey there! Try to BEAT this JoKe

>
>> >> Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush went to
>> >> a fitness spa for some fun.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three
>> >> decided to visit the men's room where they found a
>> >> strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance. He
>> >> said: "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to
>> >> check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you
>> >> look into it- and say something truthful, you will
>> >> be rewarded with your wish. But be warned, if you
>> >> say something false, you will be sucked into the
>> >> mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all
>> >> eternity!"
>> >>
>> >> The three men quickly entered and upon finding the
>> >> mirror, Bill Clinton stepped up and said, "I think
>> >> I'm the most intelligent of us three" - and he
>> >> suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in
>> >> his hands.
>> >>
>> >> Al Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most
>> >> ambitious of us three," and in an instant, he was
>> >> surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next
>> >> Presidential Campaign.
>> >>
>> >> Excited over the possibility of having a wish come
>> >> true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and
>> >> said, "I think...," and was promptly sucked into the
>> >> mirror.

Some Irish Jokes. I hope no one get offended

>
>> > Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
>> > important
>> > meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he
>> > said,
>> > "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
>> > Mass
>> > every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."
>> > Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,
>> > "Never mind, I found one.
>> > ========================================
>> > Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
>> > meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father."
>> > The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the
> priest
>> > asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly,
> Father,"
>> > was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the
>> > priest.
>> > Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
>> > to
>> > heaven?" 'Toole said, "No, I don't Father. The priest said, "I don't
>> > believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to
> go
>> > to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were
> getting
>> > a group together to go on a trip right now."
>> > =======================================
>> > Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the
>> > traffic
>> > cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
>> > shouted, "Okay pedestrians." Then he'd allow the trafficto pass. He'd
> done
>> > this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the
>> > cop
>> > had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time Paddy went over to him
>> > and
>> > said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
>> > ====================================
>> > Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
> the
>> > obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
>> > Finney.
>> > "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I
> saw
>> > it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
>> > ========================================
>> > An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
> speeding
>> > in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
>> > and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
> "Sir,
>> > have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper
> says,
>> > "Then why do I smell wine?"
>> > The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
> again!"
>> > ==================================
>> > Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
> stiff
>> > one - just had another fight with the little woman." Oh yeah?" said
>> > Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied,
> "she
>> > came to me on her hands andknees.""Really," said Charles, "now that's a
>> > switch! What did she say?"
>> > She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-****!"
>> > ====================================================
>> > Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
>> > parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
> the
>> > beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead
>> > in
>> > the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police
> station.
>> > The exchange went like this ...
>> > "Good morning, this is Sergeant Muldoon. How might I help you?" "And
>> > the
>> > best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
>> > There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as
>> > to
>> > send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant
>> > Muldoon,
>> > considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now
>> > father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last
>> > rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment.
>> > Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also
>> > obliged to notify the next of kin."
>> > ============================================
>> > A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
> of
>> > drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
>> > I'll
>> > give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
>> > Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the
> Texan's
>> > offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who
>> > left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet
> still
>> > good?", asks the Irishman.
>> > The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
> Guinness.
>> > Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking
>> > them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in
>> > amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't
>> > mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
>> > The
>> > Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see
> if
>> > I could do it first".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > --
>> >
>> >
>> >
>>
>
>

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his
guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, during World War 2, when the Germans entered
Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my
name from Levy to Spamoni, and I am alive today
because of it."

"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you
never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said
the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman
knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the
Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no
need to feel guilty."

"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must
repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered
terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a
favorable balance between good and evil, and you will
be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind.
But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
Caution... They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where???"
They Walk among us!!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .
They Walk Among Us!!!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
They Walk Among Us!!!!

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half pound sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of the half-pounder.
They walk among us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!

My friends and I were on a Pepsi run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!

An old Jewish man lived alone in the country. He
wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as
the ground was hard. His only son, Sol, who used to help him,
was in prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

"Dear Solly:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my potato garden this year. I'm justgetting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me
Love,
Papa"

A few days later the old man received a letter from his son:

"Dear Papa:
For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the money & stocks.
Love, Solly."

At 4 am the next morning, a team of FBI agents
and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the
entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They
apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received
another letter from his son:

"Dear Papa:
go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the
best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Your son, Solly"

> MOUSE BALLS!
>
> My source didn't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This
> apparently was a real memorandum sent at a computer company to its
> employees in all seriousness... This memo is from an unnamed computer
> company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral
> problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled
> on
> the floor.
>
> Memo:
> To: All Field Engineers
> Re: Mouse Balls
>
> Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit.) Therefore,
> if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need
> a
> ball replacement.
>
> Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse
> balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before
> proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside
> of
> the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
>
> Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the
> mouse.
> Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are
> replaced by using the twist-off method.
>
> Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling
> can result in sudden discharge.
>
> Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
>
> It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
> maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
>
> Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in
> charge
> of removing and replacing these necessary items.

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding
on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A
friend of his, who happened to be riding in the
same subway car, noticed this strange
phenomenon.

Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader:
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you
reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper,
but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel
being attacked, Jews disappearing through
assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.

So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I
find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media,
Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world.
The news is so much better!"

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will
this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years,"
my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a
piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make
my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again. Although, he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

REALLY TERRIBLE ONE LINERS



Let me tell you about my doctor. He is very good. If you tell him
you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.



He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he
realized she was Chinese.



Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of
the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave
him another six months.



While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor,
there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell
him I can't see him."



Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor,
doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly
replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."



One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory
problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start? "The man replied, "When
did what start?"



I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice: "Don't answer it."


My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him,
"Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said,
"Here, take these. If they don't work, give me a ring."



Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."



When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to
stop going to those places.
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a
half for an appointment he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."