Hey there! Try to BEAT this JoKe

Not really.

Ok, here's one:

Lord Ellpus came back to the manor from his solicitors office, having had his gentried bum racked over the coals for prodigious overspending.

He appoached his good lady wife in the conservatory and decreed, "If you would learn how to prepare a proper kippered herring we could dismiss Cook"

Lady Ellpus rejoined "If you would learn to f*ck we could fire the Chauffer!

Ha! The Sopranos are on at the mo (advert break) but when they're finished, I shall get my own back!

Love it!

.......So, Chai's stepping out of the bath when her young nephew bursts in, looks, points at her front bottom and asks "What is that?"

Flustered, she replies "That's where Mr Chai hit me with an axe"

"Bloody good shot" the lad says "He got you right in the c*nt!"

Lord Ellpus was having his manservant, Penberthy, motor him to the county estate.

Having gotten a late start (something to do with the removal of a spatula), it was decided they should spend the night at a quaint inn a few kilometers outside of Chitchester.

The young lad in charge of the carriage house was driving the Bentley around for a good wash, when he came across Penberthy having his way with a rather attractive ewe.

Having heard of the peculiarities of the upper crust, and it being the off "season in any event, he decided to trust his better judgement and say nothing.

Upon finishing up giving a good polish down to the Bentley, our intrepid young man came into the cook house to seek out a light ale to quench his thirst. Hereupon he up behind Lord Ellpus, who was in the process of finishing up a lively flogging of his baton rouge.

Falling back, aghast, our squire stumbled out the door, only to run into Penberthy, who was adjusting his collar and gaiters.

Harrumph! My good man, what do you mean by careening into me like that"?

Our lad had no choice but to explain what he'd seen.

Whereupon our stalwart Penberthy leaned over and advised him in a low voice....

"Well, you don't expect his Lordship to run about chasing sheep, do you"?

Five surgeons
I was torn between posting this in humor or politics


Subject: Five Surgeons



Five surgeons are discussing whose patients make the best surgical candidates.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table. When you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in. "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. And if the job takes longer than you said it would, no big deal."

But the fifth surgeon topped them all. "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. And on top of that, the head and the ass are interchangeable."

a man comes home and finds his wife and best friend f*cking. He kills them.

Subject: Fwd: FW: Man of The House


The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess

a visibly shaken man walks into his neighbourhood bar and orders a double bourbon

what's wrong, inquires the bartender

oh man, the fellow replies, i got home from work early and found my wife and my best friend in bed together

what did you do, the bartender asks

i just snapped, the man replies, i grabbed him by the neck, grabbed my gun, dragged him into the front yard and shot him

jesus, the bartender exclaims, what are you gonna do now

one thing i can tell you for sure, the man answers, i'm not getting a dog again anytime soon

Micky Mouse went to his lawyer to divorce Minnie.

I'm sorry Mr. Mouse, but insanity is not grounds for divorce.



I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was f*cking Goofy!






yeah, I wouldn't get another dog either, especially one that wears clothes and has 3 fingers and a thumb.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

Doorbell rang the other day, answered the door and there was a delivery boy there with two dozen roses. I grabbed the card I opened it,it said "Love, from your boyfriend Ernie." I was having tea with my girlfriend Clementine.


I said "Clementine, do you know what this means? For the next two weeks I'm gonna be flat on my back with my legs wide open."

Clemintine says to me "What's the matter, ain't you got a vase?"


- Bette Midler

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop?
... An amish drive-by shooting


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"


Did you hear about the man whose wife ran off with a tractor salesman?
Yeah, he came home from work and found a John Deere letter on the kitchen table.

two jews walk into a bar.

they buy it.

they just keep getting better and better.

thanks. try the veal.....

three elderly women were sitting on a park bench when they were approached by a flasher

two of the women had a stroke, but the third was too far away to reach

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
been looking for Herman for 51 years now........

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to
her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the
next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you
how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night
at
midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood,
put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the
cemetery

claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as
suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal
sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he
jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!