Questions from a First-Time Mother

Oh, not at all -- I speak to her (in English) the vast majority of the time. I became deaf when I was 18 (started when I was 13 but fluctuated for 5 years) and speak pretty much normally. (I do have an "accent.") I also lipread pretty well -- hardly any problem with people I know very well (like sozlet and E.G.).

When sozlet was teeny I'd sign to her a lot to teach it to her, and then when she was maybe 8 months to 20 months we'd sign a lot because SHE was signing (easier to sign back if that's what she was doing). Then she started talking and ASL took a distinct back seat. She still knows a fair amount but we don't use it as much as we should.

Hey, Sozobe! Not sure how I missed your response all these days.

I had the wrong impression, I thought signing was exclusively how you talked with Sozlet. It's cool that you can do both.

I'm already prepared for M wanting to talk *only* in English as she grows older because 'it's what everyone else does.' Almost Every Indian kid I know, growing up here in the US, has gone through this phase; and ALL of the parents gave up trying to teach them Hindi (or whichever Indian language they spoke). Am already thinking of ways to make Hindi sound like a 'secret/code language' for her to use with daddy & me - because it's *not* what everyone else does. Have you encountered that with Sozlet at all?

Oh, that's too bad about kids not wanting to speak Hindi.

Overall, we get really positive feedback when we use ASL in public. One of the first times I volunteered in her class, we did our customary "communicating across a room" thing, without either of us thinking twice about it. Sozlet got my attention and mouthed something, I signed to her, (about sit down and go back to what she was doing, I was there to help the whole class not just her ), and everyone was rapt. It was pretty funny. I was trying to be inconspicuous and then when I was done the whole class was staring....



I was a bit worried that it would be a "mom, you're embarrassing me!" moment, but the kids thought it was way cool, and started pestering sozlet to teach them ASL.

Plus she has a music teacher who incorporates ASL into his class. Kids are always showing me what they know.

So sozlet's been getting a lot of reinforcement of how great ASL is, I'm very lucky. She signs more after her music classes than any other time.

That sounds so cool - your description of your classroom visit. And Sozlet's music teacher sounds like a gem. Am curious - why does he incorporate ASL in his class? Are there other kids in Sozlet's class who use ASL? Wondering why there's ASL in a music class. It's a cool, inclusive thing to do.

Yeah, I'm not sure why Indian kids rebel against learning their parents' mother/native tongues. Maybe it's because we look different as well (you know, brown and all) - that they feel like they mustn't sound different too. I don't know. I'm going to be closely observing my M-ster.

No other ASL-users, he just thought it was cool. His daughter (who is hearing) knows ASL, and taught him some, and he started using it in his classes. There are a lot of "sing and sign" videos and stuff -- something to do with your hands while singing. And kids do just seem to really like ASL.

I know what you mean about the difference thing. Hmph. I wonder if there's any way to introduce a Hindi class to the school...? What I've noticed is that often mainstream society embraces something as cool/ interesting, and that makes the kids who are unsure of whether to embrace their parents' culture more open to it. (I'd love to learn Hindi!)

Anyone have any tips on teaching a kid how to blow her nose? I'm fairly certain that M's inherited allergies from me. The only way her nose clears somewhat is if she sneezes. Yet, I can tell from her voice that there's stuff that needs clearing out. Have tried a few different things with her, yet can't quite hit on the perfect way to get her to blow her nose. Any ideas?

I remember that, when sozlet needed to blow her nose but couldn't yet. I seem to remember that they CAN'T (just physically) until a certain age, but I forget when that age is.

Do you use bulb syringes to get stuff out? Gross, but it works.

Hi, Sozobe. Yup, do try bulb syringes, but they don't really get the stuff that's deeper down out - the way blowing your nose does.

I guess she'll figure it out in her own time. Funny, she knows how to blow spit bubbles - can make impressive large ones too. (Bad mother that I am, I join her in making them - even ask her to stick her finger in them.) Oh well. One more thing she'll learn a little later - she's growing up way too fast anyway.

So. For the next three months, it'll be just M and I at home. B's off to the far end of the country for his internship and we'll only see him for about a week or so in the middle when we make a trip over.

This whole week we've been talking to M - daddy's going to __ on an airplane. And you and mommy will be at home. And we will talk to daddy on the phone everyday. Some days later, M & mommy will go on an airplane to see daddy. Etc.

We didn't realize until yesterday that our baby M actually *gets* it. She isn't yet two. But she understands. She didn't want B out of her sight all last evening after we all got home. Wouldn't go to sleep until he was laying right next to her. This morning, after the usual nursing/cuddling with mommy, all she wanted to do was sit in his lap, head resting on his chest. No demands to watch her baby einstein video, no appetite for her usual fruity breakfast. Just daddy.

He's going to leave at the crack of dawn tomorrow - before she even wakes up. When she does - he won't be there. For three months. She will talk to him on the phone, see him over the webcam on the Internet. But for the rest of the time - I really don't know what to expect. Poor little baby and poor daddy. They were both teary-eyed last night.

Aww.... :-(

That's a good thing that they had some time to say goodbye and that your daughter gets it. She will probably be moodier than usual and a little harder to deal with until she settles into the new, daddy-less routines. Glad that she'll be able to see his face and hear his voice often.

Take care...

It is amazing how perceiptive babies and young children are - I remember at baby being about four months old and I went away for a few days with hubby. My mom took care of the baby. My mom told me on the first morning when she awoke and my mom came in to pick her up, the baby did a sort of jump and double take even though she saw my mom almost daily.

A nurse in the maturnity ward once commented to me that babies are smart little creatures.

That they are - very smart - these little critters. And they get smarter by the day, it seems. Like M, who's turned into a toddler overnight. And I am now struggling with Discipline. With trying to set her boundaries.

Yesterday I made my baby cry. A lot. First she removed all her magnetic letters (alphabet) from the fridge door and threw them on the kitchen floor. So I said, M could you please pick up the ABCs and put them in the proper place? Pout, looking at me from under her eyelashes. So I repeated, M could you please pick up the ABCs and put them back in the proper place. (Repeat about 5 more times.) Flounce and stomp one little foot (flounce!! flounce?!). Then after 10 minutes of doing other stuff, I said to her... would you please help Mommy clean up the mess? And I sat down and started sticking the letters back, and made a game of it. "What begins with A - alligator, apple, Anthony" etc. Slowly, 15th letter in, she joined in, and enthusiastically started handing me up the letters from the floor. At the end I said "thank you M, for helping mommy clean. You're a very helpful little girl." Not sure if that was the right way to handle, but at least there weren't any tears. I'm a little afraid of her tears.

Then later in the evening, we were sitting in bed after nursing her and just playing/hanging. She picked up my hairbrush and threw it at me. It hurt, cut my eyebrow and made a nice pea-sized lump. So I said to her you know how mommy says you shouldn't throw things. See, now mommy's got an owie. It's not nice to throw things. And you shouldn't hurt people. Response: she was upset that I was scolding her and pretty much smacked me on the face. So. Deep breaths. Picked her up, deposited her on her 'thinking' spot on the rug outside the kitchen and said - okay, now you have to sit here and think about what you just did. It's not nice to hit people.

Tantrum ensues. And a lot of crying. Tried to pick her up after two minutes - more hitting. Again - here's some more thinking time. Finally, I think after about the 6th minute she didn't hit again when I went to pick her up, and just sat with her head on my shoulder.

I have no idea what I did. What should I have done? I think I just kept reacting and just made her cry. I wish I hadn't. And I see that I have absolutely *no* idea how to set boudaries for my baby. If anyone has any suggestions, I will be so very grateful!


The Two's are Here!

Ooooh.

I don't think you can get through early childhood without "making" your kid cry. I use quotation marks because I think that when they're testing limits, one big tool they use is tears -- so you don't have to be doing anything wrong (and in fact can be doing everything right) and tears will still happen.

It sounds like you handled that really well. The main things to keep in mind are to be consistent, and to avoid teaching her that if she cries, you'll back down. I'm sure I've said this before but one idea that helped when sozlet tried that stuff was that if you finally give in after the 11th time the kid cries (or after 20 minutes), you're just teaching the kid that it takes 11 times (or 20 minutes) of crying to get you to capitulate.

One of the harder things in parenting is to just sit there and be with your extremely frustrated child without giving him or her the thing she wants (whether an object or to be told that a problem is not a problem).

That's probably one of the signal aspects of toddlerhood as opposed to babyhood. When they're babies, if they're crying, they need something we can provide. It's axiomatic. When they're older, they are sometimes crying and there's nothing we can/ should do about it.

One other thing -- I started paying closer attention to triggers at this age. Lots of preventive measures. Made sure she had enough sleep, enough to eat. If things seemed a bit iffy, remove as many temptations as possible. Go somewhere where anything she did would be fine, pretty much. (The local children's museum was good for this, they had a toddler area with a bunch of soft furniture and balls and stuff, pretty hard to do anything "wrong" there. Pick up chair and throw it? Fine. )

It's a patience-trying time, though, vent here all you'd like...

What soz said. We are lately reaping the benefits of not being consistent enough with the ducklet when she was smaller. We were less consistent with her because we were always afraid to let her cry for too long because of the effect it would have on our older son. As a result, we find that at age 5 she still throws temper tantrums -- sometimes in public, which is infuriating. It's so much easier to do it right when they're 2 than when they're 5.

What Soz and Duck said. I think consistency... always giving the same consequence for the same behavior, is very important. With clearly unacceptable behaviors like hitting and throwing things, I think it is very important.

A couple of things that worked for us to stop the unending cycle of tantrums thing. I think it is very important to make it clear that you, as parent, are in control.

When our little angel gets like this, we put her in timeout... and when she has a tantrum sometimes she needs to be held in timeout. We keep her there for two minutes... and the last 10 seconds we count down. This signals that she is being released because time out is over... not because of her tantrum. The counting down also gives her a time to calm down and start the reconciliation ritual.

We have developed a very good ritual where I tell her that I am sad because she hit (or whatever). Then I tell her I love her. If we need to we also have the "breath" ritual where we both take a few deep breaths together. This ritual also works and helps her calm down. Then we hug and go on with the day.

I think that having a very clear end to conflict... after then consequence has been finished, where things can get back to normal is a good way to keep these endless tantrums.

It also lets her know that she is still loved after the conflict happens, which I think is important.

Sometimes the second tantrum is really just a unhealthy way for her to make sure that you still love her. The way to stop this is to preempt the question with a clear expression of love.

Be patient and consistent.

You really thought that it was well-handled? I felt terrible - haven't ever been quite so stern with M.

Sozobe, what you said about triggers - that's the key. Since B's been away, I do bulk cooking. So most of the week, I'll just heat & serve us dinner. The day of these incidences was a cooking day. I had been in the kitchen for a bit and she gets restless if I'm not paying her complete attention. She does have a little chair & table in the kitchen, and the magnetic alphabet, etc. But the longer I take, the more restless she gets. At her daycare she's good at playing by herself but at home - I have be involved in whatever she's playing with. Or the least, sit inside her playpen with her and read my book while she's playing with her toys, etc.

Thanks for your responses Sozobe, FreeDuck and ebrown_p. I know consistency is key and do try it for most of the time. I guess I didn't expect to actually ever feel 'anger' at M, and I did and was a little floored by it. I think that for the next time/s - I need to have a little plan. I like the idea of counting down the last 10 seconds, ebrown_p and will try it.

FreeDuck, we haven't experienced any public tantrums so far. In that respect, I'm actually glad that M's as shy as she is in the presence of other people.

Well, if you're lucky and keep doing what you are doing, you can break the tantrum habit at home and not have to worry about public tantrums. That's how it was with our son.

It sounds like you are pretty tuned in and can start to sense what things will set her off. I remember having to plan my entire day around nap time and snack time. It seemed like a good rest and a full belly kept them calm and sweet. It makes complete sense that she would be set off on a cooking day with you less able to give her undivided attention. Is there any way you can get her to "help you cook" with some small pots and measuring cups and spoons and such? My kids loved this. Sometimes I'd give them a little flour and water to make it more real. It made a god-awful mess, but it was worth it since they got literally hours worth of pleasure out of it.

That's a really good idea! I'm going to try to find something similar for M. One day on the weekends we make pancakes together - she helps me measure out the flour, stir in stuff, etc. She does enjoy it very much. Ok. Cool. Thanks, FreeDuck!