Wife talking with another man

Sounds to me like your wife wants it all her way -- she doesn't really acknowledge that there's a problem so why would she be willing to go to counselling?

She sounds very immature and selfish. Sometimes you have to treat them the age they're acting - in her case, she's acting like she's 15.

Don't give her the cell phone, for a start. Cut off your long distance access, for another. If they want to chat, he can pay. Let her go out all she wants... you can be with your child. Don't give her any money. Dole it out in small bits.

By the way, what would happen if when you got home, you called "Madeleine" and talked for two hours a night?

What a mess. Think of what Dr. Laura would say (for a start, she'd be on YOUR side!)...

Oh for chrissake, Mame. If anyone on this forum is immature and selfish, it's you. Confused78 comes here looking for support and you start up with your typical authoritarian 'show her who's boss' bullshit.

He wants to try to SAVE his marriage before chucking it in. I don't know why you have such a hard time with that concept, but time and time again your patented response is "grow some balls" or "you're a fool" or some other equally unhelpful crap.

Don't give her a cell phone? What makes you think he has the right to dole out the goodies and cut off the privilege?

Cut off her long distance? Dole out the money in small bits? Please....


Confused, part of coming to an internet forum for advice mean that you get to hear multiple viewpoints. You get to decide which ones are helpful and which ones aren't. If you come back asking how to ensure that you will be divorced before spring, I'll start agreeing with Mame. In the meantime, if you want to get additional support on how you might save your marriage, I'll be happy to offer feedback.

Sorry mame, I thank you for your opinion, but I don't think that would help anything in my case, I am not looking for revenge or control, I am looking at:

1)How to deal with the emotional upset this is putting me through.
2)How to see things her way for instance, she says she was flirting back, but to her it didn't mean anyhting. Maybe it really doesn't but it definately does to me and that is a problem.
3) We have lots of issues in our relationship I am sure she is not the only one that is contributing to the factors that are causing me to feel the way I do.
4) I really want to work this out not make it worse.

Update:

Mariage councillor still hasn't gottn back to me.

Well, last evening and this morning we got in to a bit of a heated discussion about her talking to this guy, there was about 2-3 hours of discussion about a plethora (think i spelled that right) of many issues. To sum up the talking to the other guy, she has the position that he is just a good freind and he was flirting and she played along because he was having an upsetting moment in his life, grandma died and gf left him and that it meant nothing to her but that it made her feel good.

I stuck to my guns that it doesn't matter if it means nothing to her if it is affecting the way I feel about our relationship then there is a problem with it.

We also discussed the going out as soon as I get home, she is usually very sarcastic so expectedly she says "What so i should stay at home all day and then sit around all night here" to which I replied we'll you could try doing something with your husband and son, or even jsut the two of us. This is where we revisted the we don't like doing what the other likes and I brought up about going to the movies or out to dinner, she said well you didn't plan it and I told you I wanted to go to the movies. I was quick to point out that when we discussed and agreed on going to the going to the movies she was going to get the tickets from the airmiles we had and she didn't. BTW it was also her that said her doctor had suggested a marriage councilor to her and she never followed through, that is why when you guys asked about why the hell not I called my employee helpline to get it set up.....she is going to go too.

Anyway, an aside to all this my brother is going through a big custody battle with his ex, he has their daughter and wanted needed someone to watch the child on Friday eveneing so he can go to his new job he started last night. I checked with my wife to see if it would be alright with her she said yes so I took a vacation day from work to watch her and let my brother know I would be there. She then later in the evening changes her mind and says know because she doesn't want to be involved in their problems as she doesn't agree with what is going on. I explained it doesn't matter what the problems are that the child is my goddaughter and she is living with my brother and if he needs a paycheck to support her right or wrong (meaning my brother and his ex are being very immature about the break up) that it is in the best interest of the child that he get that paycheck and being a new job he would probably get fired for missing time this early in the game (I have inside knowledge I am in a management position at a very similar place of employment and we would terminate someone who tried that in the probationary period). Anyways I tell her I understand how that could bother her and that if she feels it is wrong for us to watch her, that I will go myself, that way she is not involved and I can still do what I feel is right. She calls him up and asks him to make other arrangements for Friday night....needless to say I lost it, told her I was leaving that's it can't take anymore blah blah blah....I really meant it but have no where to go in the meantime, so I will bide my time and see if the marriage councillor can help us.

Thanks for all the help, it really helps me think my way throguh this when I have a lot of impartial views on what I am saying, obviously if she was on here posting, it would probably be different because she has a different perspective but it definately helps.

JPB:

If you don't like someone's advice, as I don't yours, the mature thing to do is keep it to yourself. Newsflash: You are not the advice monitor, although you are just everywhere doling it out. People (such as Confused) can answer for themselves.

It's obvious from your vitriol that you're smarting from something - You should probably deal with that before you piss off someone who cares what you think.


Confused:

I know you will do what you feel is right for you - advice is just that - from every walk of life, some who have walked in your shoes have advice that resonates; others don't.

You take what you need to. Good luck.

It's good to hear that she is going to go to counseling with you. Maybe some people fear going because they feel that the counselor will take sides. Hopefully the counselor will hear both your opinions and help you two come to some healthy compromise.
When my ex and I went one of the first things the counselor said was "what took you two so long to seek therapy?" What a blow that was, my reply was that I hadn't realized that there was a problem. So it's good that you are seeking help before this goes so far that it is unfixable.

OK, so I was going the wrong way with the job issue.
Suppose it is difficult to judge somebody you don't know at all.

I like the way you are approaching it, saying you want to save the marriage, not control her or piss her off.

Unfortunately to save a marriage, both have to work at it.

If she is going to counselling with you, I guess that's a start, I hope she doesn't change her mind, again.
The way she's treating her niece is just shabby.
I also like the way you are standing up and helping your family.
Your wife should support you in this.

O dear, the more you are telling, the more I get the impression, you are way too nice for her.

I hope, all your effort will pay off!

There are always two sides of the story and if both of you can see that then number 4) can be the result. It sounds as if you're more than willing to meet her halfway but she needs to actively participate as well. I too am glad to see she has agreed to join you in the counseling sessions.

If the counseling center doesn't contact you soon, is there a number you can call to set up the first appointment?

UPDATE:

Well we went to see the marriage counsellor, she seems real nice and she is doing a thereapy with us called choice theory, I bought the book Choice Theory (I always get very into stuff like this).

I see a major problem, but I won't know for sure if it is a major problem until I talk to the therapist again. I am not sure if anyone here is familiar with this type of therapy but if you are this statement will make sense to you. My wife is no longer in my quality world and hasn't been for a long time, in my quality world we are divorced and have a good releationship with our son. I am going to metion this to our therapist and see what she says about this, my main fear is that I am already too far gone to really go back, basically I want my marriage to work but not because I want to be with my wife but because I feel obligated to try.

Anyway we discussed stuff like her going out all the time but the therapist kind of skipped over it, we didn't discuss this person my wife has been talking to at all yet etc... Basically the therapist said we are too focused ont stuf that doesn't matter to the big pictre and the homework she gave us was to talk about our day together for 15 minutes each day (which we already do) and to spend an hour this week talking about what our ideal world looks like 5 years from now, 10 years etc.. The problem for me with the second exercise is how do I do this when I don't see my wife in it.

For those who are interested, I'll update again in two weeks.

To me it sounds as if you have already made up your mind.
To feel obligated is the wrong reason for staying together.
And the one who will suffer with you in this relationship will be your son.

He deserves better!

So, I think it's great that you do counselling now, but if all your thinking and discussing leads to separation, I think you should try and do this in the way that is least painful to ALL of you!

Thanks for keeping us updated!

Sorry for the delayed reply here but i havnt been online here for a very long time so am just reading back .

I personally had issues identical to this a while ago but instead it was me that was doing the chatting / meeting / phone calls etc .

I am male before going any further .

TO say get a divorce and get it over and done with i find very very surprising coming from this group and personally im pretty discusted that youd throw that info out as we are talking a marriage with kids here .

Lets just say i was sidetracked from my wife for about 6 months ( were talking over 7 years ago now ) but i came to a realisation on my own that my very heavy flirting around with another girl and interest in her ( more the situation of new love ) is not worth it .

I know this has to come from her in the turn around but pay attention to your wife , talk to her as often as you can , i seeked help and they didnt give me an answer but made me discover allot about myself and what i wanted and i figured out what i wanted was right here at home i just had to light it up again and since i have turned my marriage around massively . I married my wife as a best friend and she now is again because i worked on it . I say all this cause obviously part of the reason shes talking to someone else is cause the attention is there .

SHe obviously knows shes in the wrong now that youve brought it up so call her on it , tell her if shes that guilty and wants to fix things lets go see someone , dont force her but bring it up often , i reccomend you both seek counceling and once again i cant stress enough PAY HER AS MUCH ATTENTION AS YOU CAN . Even a nice little buttslap while shes washing the dishes will make her happy . Trust me mate , not only women but also men go where the attention is so bring it back home .

I reckon you sort of look at your wife as a bit of the old car maybee , trust me mate , once you pay attention to it clean it up and polish it and start driving it around again , she will be the best thing you own again .

Im sorry if this all sound weird but i just wanted to tell this member that your marriage isnt over , this is just a situation to make it stronger .

Good luck mate and if youve allready done something about it , atleast i hope another reader can gain from my experience .