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Tue 17 Oct, 2006 07:05 pm
I don't know why I am so angry about this but it really hurts me. My wife has been speaking with a "friend" online since May, I started noticing that she was speaking to him very often in July and that whenever I was around she would minimize or close the window. This is a friend that she has had for quite a few years but just started talking to regularly again. Anyway, I did something I am not proud of but after asking her quite a few times what is going on and not really feeling like I was getting a honest response I started a littel spying into her online activities, I noticed they were planning to meet online, on the web cam, that they were flirting back and forth etc... I called her on it she denied everything and when I told her about my spying she still denied it, then when I started to get specific whith things that he said and she said she admitted to having innapropriate conversations with him but and that she was only doing it becuase he made her feel really good that it was nothing and that I was the one she wanted to be with and that he lives on the other side of the country and that I don't need to worry about it. Obviously she was mad at me spying and I agree that it was something I should not have done, but I didn't feel I was getting the truth whe she was speaking with me. She agreed to not persue this any further and I stopped spying.
A few weeks ago I noticed that there were phone bills missing and I looked everywhere for them, thinking that becuase they were the only ones missing that my wife must be hiding them from me, again I called her on it asking where the phone bills had gotten to. She said I don't know they should be around, I explained that I looked all over for them, five minutes later she comes back with the missing phone bills and says they were in the basket, I knew this was not true, but I just went along with it. Reading the phone bill I notice that she has been calling him and one conversation was almost an hour long. I pull my cell phone records and she has talked to him for more than 5 hours over the past 3 months and these are just the calls from her to him and not calls from him to her. Anyways this is very upsetting emotionaly for me and she is basically saying that he is a good friend if she wants to talk to him she will. I am not sure what I should do next, do I have a right to feel like there is something more going on, to ask her to stop, should I just leave...there are a lot of other issues going on in our relationship as well, that I think are becuase of her feelings for him although she would never admit that.
any suggestions are appreciated.
Take her out on a date. Do you have kids? If so, get a babysitter and let her know how much you appreciate her. There's a reason she's looking to spend time with her ex-friend. Give her a reason not to.
JPB wrote:Take her out on a date. Do you have kids? If so, get a babysitter and let her know how much you appreciate her. There's a reason she's looking to spend time with her ex-friend. Give her a reason not to.
Mater of fact that is the other issue we have in our relationship, I am the main bread winner and I get home from work, she's been taking care of our son all day and she wants to go run errands and visit her friends for coffee etc... when I get home, and it is usually close to our sons bedtime so one of us definately has to stay home. We've had many arguments about this, we don't have much money for going out and our families never want to babysit, we've hired one a few times but can't afford to often. I feel she should be staying home and spending time with me, she feels like she needs to get out of the house...visous circle cycle continues.
Sorry, Confused, but if you distrust her (rightly or wrongly) that you resort to spying on her, it's probably you get rid of each other while the gitting is good. I know that some advice is easier to give than take, but you did ask for suggestions.
Ah, I thought so. Do you have neighbors with children? Date night can be exchanged between couples. You and your wife watch their kids one night/month and they watch your kids one night per month. We did it for years with our neighbors.
roger wrote:Sorry, Confused, but if you distrust her (rightly or wrongly) that you resort to spying on her, it's probably you get rid of each other while the gitting is good. I know that some advice is easier to give than take, but you did ask for suggestions.
Hard to take yes, thought has gone through my mind...many times. We actually sat down prior to this but while it was going on. I told her I wasn't happy with our relationship and that we have discussed this before and that I think it is time for us to separate, she disagreed, suggested counselling, and we never followed through.
So follow through...!
Obviously there are issues that need to be dealt with here, and it sounds like there are a lot of them.
JPB wrote:Ah, I thought so. Do you have neighbors with children? Date night can be exchanged between couples. You and your wife watch their kids one night/month and they watch your kids one night per month. We did it for years with our neighbors.
Thanks for that, but no neighbors with children and the freinds that we have with children aren't interested. The other thing is we typically don't like to do the same things, she likes to play cards and board games, I like to sit around and just talk. I like to go out dancing at a night club and she prefers a live band or Karaoke, I like to go camping, she'd rather go to the spa. She likes to watch tv, I'd rather sit at my computer and learn something.
We've become very good at not having fun together actually. I have on many occasions tried to get in on some of the things she likes, but she is very stubborn in doing the things that I like.
This sounds like exactly what happened to my now ex-wife and I. Either take appropriate steps to nip it in the bud by having a regular date night and reconnecting, or cash in the chips and get out of the game right now. Otherwise, you'll have years of misery followed by the inevitable divorce.
I'll copy what blacksmithn said....same here!
O dear, another story to confirm me that I was right in not giving up my job, after our baby was born.
Does your wife have the possibility to work part-time?
The money she earns can pay for day care for your son.
Even if there is nothing left of her earnings after that, the fact that she gets out the house and does something else than live from one feeding to the next, will be well worth it.
As a matter of fact, you should be paying for day care out of your earnings, so that both of you have money to contribute to your lives.
Being financially dependent on my husband would really depress me, too.
That way, you'll see, you'll start having things to talk about in the evenings, she might be more content in staying at home, and your relationship might get a new spark.
I would still get a babysitter for some evenings to get some couple time in, though!
confused78 wrote:... we typically don't like to do the same things, she likes to play cards and board games, I like to sit around and just talk. I like to go out dancing at a night club and she prefers a live band or Karaoke, I like to go camping, she'd rather go to the spa. She likes to watch tv, I'd rather sit at my computer and learn something.
We've become very good at not having fun together actually. I have on many occasions tried to get in on some of the things she likes, but she is very stubborn in doing the things that I like.
Just what was it that brought you together in the first place? Try to identify it and see if it's still there. If it is, you can focus on the things that are right with your relationship while working on the things that aren't, which is otherwise known as reconnecting. I agree with following through on the counseling - there's a lot going on here.
I'd like to add that there's nothing inherently wrong with having individual pursuits and hobbies. It becomes a problem when one's individual pursuits take precedence over the relationship. Mr B and I have very dissimilar interests but we spend a tremendous amount of time together doing our own thing. We also make a point of occasionally doing what the other person enjoys simply because the other one enjoys it.
Quote:I am the main bread winner and I get home from work, she's been taking care of our son all day and she wants to go run errands and visit her friends for coffee etc... when I get home, and it is usually close to our sons bedtime so one of us definately has to stay home. We've had many arguments about this, we don't have much money for going out and our families never want to babysit, we've hired one a few times but can't afford to often. I feel she should be staying home and spending time with me, she feels like she needs to get out of the house...visous circle cycle continues.
How often does this happen? Does she want to go off on her own every night or occasionally? Do you think she should stay home all the time? I see two things here -- one, she's cooped up at home and needs to get some time to be a person, not just mom/wife and two, the two of you need to find a way to be a couple and look to each other for support.
She's already found an outlet for her frustrations with her ex-friend. I agree with blacksmithn, there's a lot of unhappiness down the road if you don't reconnect with each other.
Bohne wrote:O dear, another story to confirm me that I was right in not giving up my job, after our baby was born.
Bohne, there are a whole lot of reasons people have relationship problems -- this reminds me of someone who read the many problems here and saying "wow, I'm never going to get married." Being a stay-at-home mom does not spell doom for a relationship, at all.
Completely agreed about separate pursuits not necessarily being a bad thing, and to focus on getting some alone time together AND counseling, as it really sounds like there is a whole lot going on. I think that if there is hope for the relationship, counseling will make your wife more
interested in spending time with you (and if there's no hope, it will help with the transition).
I think the whole "never followed up" thing is itself troubling. Why on earth not?
Thanks for all the great perspectives, there is indeed a lot going on. I metined mariage councelling to her this morning, she kind of blew it off but I have called my employee helpline anyway, they will give me a few free sessions and recommend more elaborate councelling if required, which will probably be the case.
Just to respond to a few of the suggestions, my wife has never liked working and prefers not to, trust me I tried my damdest to get her to comit to a job before we had our son and she would miss time and take off early whenver they would allow and made life real miserable...but we needed the money so I kept at her. The other issue is my son is still very youg and day cares where I am from will not take children under two anyway.
As far as hobbies are concerned she has none, she tried to start a few but they never kept her interest. I have 2 hobbies I make beer and I enjoy tinkering with computers.
Pretty much when I get home from work she wants to go out I would say 5 out 7 nights a week she goes out and because we argue about this due to the frequency (going to work and then staying home everynight is no fun for me either) she covers it up with an errand and then ends up at a friends house.
She also fills up my days off with things that need to be done around the house and says she needs to go out and I see her maybe for 1/4 of my days off.
I really think this friend she is talking to is causing some of issues between us not becuase of the fact that she is talking to him but becuase he is making her feel that there is something missing from the relationship, when really it is so easy for that to happen over the phone where there is no daily life stress, no money issues etc. you get the picture.
Anyway, marriage councellor should be calling me in the next 24 hours to setup an appointment, I am afraid that if this doesn't work that I will have no choice but to leave the situation before I or she gets real nasty.
Thanks everyone.
That's great that you've taken the initiative re: counseling. Best of luck.
yep, good for you. Good luck!
On a somber note, if you think keeping up with living expenses is tough with your current income, keeping up with the expenses of two households will be a major dilemma. I can think of a couple reasons why she doesn't want to have serious talks about your relationship. If she's unhappy about the amount of time she spends at home caring for your son to the point that she needs to escape whenever possible, how will she deal with being a single parent (and how would you deal with the concept of shared custody)? Also, if she'd rather not work then she probably realises she would have no other choice if the two of your separate/divorce. It's in both of your best interests from an emotional as well as financial perspective to give your marriage a fair shot.
Not to mention, of course, that it's in the best interests of your child as well.
I'm glad you made that call, confused78. Keep us posted.
Well, confused 78 says this:
confused78 wrote:Just to respond to a few of the suggestions, my wife has never liked working and prefers not to...
I understand what you're saying about someone being pressured into it, but your first statement was a lot more general, and that's what I was responding to.
Any updates, confused78?
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