My wife also has feelings for another man

What the others just posted sound pretty true! I never understood why out counselor said point blank to me after 3 sessions "He doesn't love you like you should be loved and this marriage is over" I felt like the counselor just threw his hands up and said there's nothing I can do. It took me 3 years to realize that he was right. There was nothing anyone could do since my ex didn't have it in his heart to try and fix things. So like I said, I have no idea where your marriage is heading but there is nothing you can do to change her feelings. If she stops contacting this other man and concentrates on your marriage then that is what is in her heart and a reflection of who she is as a person.

Re: My wife also has feelings for another man

Hello, DFBaker, Welcome to A2K. I noticed the length of your marriage immediately. Many, if not most, marriages hit a crossroads at the 7 year mark. That's where the term, "seven year itch" comes from. Dealing with issues that arise at this crossroad are a good thing, but do not always result in a successful turnaround. It's good that you are dealing with it now and not letting it fester. It's doubtful your marriage will survive without dealing with who you have each become over the past seven years.


Wowsah, that's a lot of time being away! Just because she agreed to stay home and raise the kids doesn't mean she intended to be a single parent. What is her social life like? Does she have time where she can go out with friends (without the kids) when you're out of town?


This is also classic. Someone posted a link to an article about this in a recent thread... I'll try to find it for you.


Good for her, I'm sure it helps her to have something to do beyond being a stay-at-home mom, even if it was her idea to begin with.


More seven year itch stuff....



I'm sorry you're hurting so. Advice? Accept that you and are wife are both strangers in your house. Everyone changes and that fact that you travel so much makes it even more difficult to see the changes until they hit you in the head. It's a good sign that she's agreed to counseling. Don't expect things to go back to the way they were. Neither of you are who you were seven years ago. No one is who they were seven years ago. People change and successful relationships change with them.

Good luck, and I agree with those who say you shouldn't be living in the basement.

I usually agree with blacksmithn, but not this time (except for getting out of the basement). These aren't just 'her issues' they're dealing with. They both have been part of what has brought their relationship to this point. If someone told me who I could and couldn't have contact with then I'd tell him to go fry his ass. Particularly if this someone was only home four months out of the year. She's unhappy and she's found a sounding board to talk to while her husband travels. She's also willing to work on their marriage. I don't see this as hopeless so far, but forbidding her to talk to someone she sees as her life-line will nail the coffin shut, IMO.

I like what Osso said - stand up for yourself. Are you a man or a mouse? And I like what blacksmithn said, too - get out of the basement, set some boundaries and show her the door if she doesn't like it. I agree with him 100%.

She is the one with the problem, not you. However, that being said, why are you catering to all her whims? Whyever did you agree to be relegated to the basement??

Personally, I'd go on the cruise and tell her to stay home. And maybe I'd take a friend. I don't think she deserves a treat right now, do you? After all, it IS your money and why should you be uncomfortable sharing a cabin with someone who may no longer love you? She can stay home.

I also do not think working 8 months away, with visits home in between, is a big deal. Disagree completely with JPB on this one. Lots of people have jobs requiring their absence and they don't come home to find their spouse mooning over another person. Lame excuse, if you ask me. And I also disagree about the 7 year itch - I personally don't know ANYone who's gone through that. I think it's a myth concocted to enable people to perform badly. That's as bad an excuse as someone having an affair because of a "mid-life crisis".

well, there's the hardass "my way or the highway" approach to a marriage and there's also the "I don't know how we got to where we are, but let's try to figure it out because we're in this together" approach. One way ends in a lot of unhappiness and someone taking the highway. The other sometimes ends the same way, but more often than not can result in a happy turnaround. Take your pick.

It's certainly not as simplistic as you make out, JPB... what specifically is the hard ass approach you're referring to? Getting out of the basement where he certainly doesn't belong? Going on the cruise alone which might be a good time for contemplation? Standing up for himself which is his right?

LOL

There's nothing "hardass" about refusing to be treated as a second class citizen in your own home or letting your spouse know that they can't run roughshod all over you. It's a matter of expecting and demanding respect from one's spouse.

It's just my opinion, but I speak as someone who's "been there, done that."

Re: My wife also has feelings for another man
DFBaker, it doesn't sound like your wife has physically cheated on you, but I realize the emotional attraction can be a form of cheating. If I were in your shoes I would be devastated at my partner telling me something like this.

I imagine the wives/husbands of military people, who have to leave their families for long periods of time go through something akin to what your wife might have. The difference I guess in the hardships is that they (military environs) have support groups in the form of bases and the other spouses who all experience the same things and can share feelings, help each other out, and work together to manage lonliness and frustrations. Your wife seems to have reached out for a similar type of friendship and found this old college buddy who happens to be a man. That she is now feeling emotionally attracted to him (I am guessing she has not met with him in person during all this time?) may be a passing fancy. She got the support she needed from him. She is seeing him through rose-colored glasses right now, and you are the one who was missing and not providing her with this important boost - you didn't even know she needed this boost.

Lets say they decide to get together and give it a go, I wonder how serious this relationship would be between your wife and this college-buddy really. If everything in the relationship has been online, on the phone, and not in person, I think it's a bit early for her to want to end a marriage in lieu of thinking this guy is the one for her.

I am not a huge fan of partners telling their spouses who they can and cannot communicate with and how they can and cannot feel, however I am disappointed when one person is so inconsiderate of another and hurts them needlessly or because of a passing fancy.

I agree with blacksmithn in that you need to assert yourself and nix that basement idea. Your wife should not be the one to set all the rules. She is the one that has been inappropriate by testing the lines of your marriage and flirting (if that is what she is doing) or having an emotional affair (even if it is only in her mind) with someone else.

I sort of cringe at the cruise idea. I would feel squirmy to be trapped in a space so small with this uncomfortableness you both find yourselves in, however it might also be a good idea. It gives you two time alone to really talk, to really get to the heart of this thing. I wouldn't expect sex if I were you, but I think you might really try to talk to her about her and your feelings and try to romance her a little - holding her hand, putting your arm around her, kissing her cheek.

I've no idea if this is the end or if this is fixable but it is obvious that you want to try .... so try.

I'm with heeven on the cruise. Fantastic opportunity to woo/romance her again.

Try to pretend you arn't and havn't been married for the last seven years. shes a girl youv'e been attracted to/gone out with seriously for a while. A "seriouse girlfriend". Hold hands (ask shyly if you can). Try to rekindle/find what was there originally. If you share a cabin/bed set the parameters with your "girlfriend" before you leave. "Honey would it be all right if we just snuggle/spoon in the cabin? "I just want to see how things feel for a while."

I also work away from home a lot. However my longest stint away has been 10 days. I have made the effort even when it was a 7 hour drive to get home.