We have been married for 7 years and have two children. I travel for work and she wanted one of us to stay home and raise the kids. She got that job. Last year I was away working for 8 months. I would come home and visit in that time. While I was away she signed up for MySpace and got in contact with a guy she went to college with and started communicating more and more. She first told me that he was just a good friend and that he has helped her find herself and encouraged her to get back into acting. She started auditioning and got a few parts in short films here locally. I have always tried to encourage her to get back into it. I confronted her with it and she denied it and laughed it off. I check the cell phone records and found that they were talking on the phone for hours, late at night. I also noticed all the text messaging was out of control. I confronted her again and she finally told me that she has developed feeling and is attracted to him. I know that we all have attractions, but I feel as though she wants to explore them. We started counseling. She has expressed that she is not sure she wants to be married anymore. It is breaking my heart. I love her deeply. I just feel like a sucker. Here I am trying to provide a good living for us and the kids. Hell, she is not even getting paid to do the shorts. They are all none paying jobs. I moved out for about 2 weeks and just moved back in today. Yes, I was told that I would be living in the basement. I built this house. I don't want out of the relationship. I am doing everything I can to save this, I just feel like a stranger in my own house. She is my world and I don't know what to do. Anyone have advice?
I just want to say that I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I went through it 3 years ago. I just feel that the kids shouldn't be what keeps you together but rather what keeps you two working on making the marriage and family stronger.
I hope that you find a good marriage counselor and that you both go into it with open minds.
Good luck!
0 Replies
Mame
1
Reply
Wed 11 Oct, 2006 10:10 pm
I am really sorry to hear your story. I don't have any advice for you, not knowing any of the people, or what her motivation is... but I don't think it's fair that you're in the basement.
I feel for you, I really do.
I will say, though, that I don't think she is very honorable towards you. She has been carrying on an affair with another man for months, even if it's in her own mind.
I know several couples who have these travelling or long-distance relationships that work out just fine, so that is no excuse to me. Whether you were physically there or not, this would have been bound to come out at some point, if it's in her to be this way.
And if she had any integrity, she would have sorted things out with you prior to establishing any kind of bond or feelings towards this other fellow.
Good luck with whatever happens. I'll be thinking about you.
0 Replies
CalamityJane
1
Reply
Wed 11 Oct, 2006 10:29 pm
I agree with Mame - there is no need to stay in the basement of your
own home.
Unfortunately, no one can help you here, DFBaker. Your wife has made
up her mind to explore other relationships and as long as she's not
willing to work on her marriage, you're either in the waiting loop, or
you take matters in your own hands, and start separation/divorce
procedures.
She is infatuated with this guy and she is willing to forfeit her marriage
to be with him. Chances are, this infatuation won't last and she will
regret her decision rather quickly, but until then, there is nothing you
can do. You cannot make her love you.
0 Replies
ossobuco
1
Reply
Wed 11 Oct, 2006 10:37 pm
What do you mean you were told you would be living in the basement?
I fear one of you married too young, probably not you.
It is not the least understandable thing in the world, many people do marry too young.
Though marriage is always a learning curve, even for the older.
The only good thing I can say is that it is good to go through this now in contrast to years later.
Quoting you -
I built this house. I don't want out of the relationship. I am doing everything I can to save this, I just feel like a stranger in my own house. She is my world and I don't know what to do. Anyone have advice?
A) You built it, don't sleep in the basement.
B) don't physically attack her, even if she hits you, and try hard to be calm otherwise.
C) She is not your world. She is part of it, certainly, now, but don't deny your own person; even if you wanted it to, denying who you are won't work over years.
D) see a counselor, and check in with a lawyer, at least an initial visit re your rights.
0 Replies
DFBaker
1
Reply
Wed 11 Oct, 2006 11:00 pm
Thank you
I am not ready to give up on the marriage. We are seeing a counselor. I am lost, as a person. You never expect anything like this when you make a comment. I have started getting a few things in order, just incase she decide to call it quits. It sucks being in limbo. We are going on a Cruise next week and I really don't know how to act. Should I try to be intimate with her or wait for her to come to me? Do you see what I am faced with? It is a lot to register. I have changed so many things in my life for her, for instance, we have moved from NYC to Roanoke, VA to Denver, CO. I never wanted to leave my home town but I knew that I wanted her to be happy and I wanted to be with her. So you make Sacrifices. Right? I don't know. I guess it is just the waiting game for me.
0 Replies
ossobuco
1
Reply
Wed 11 Oct, 2006 11:10 pm
Your self obliterating sacrifice could have been good with another person. But it doesn't seem to have made a dent here. Some of us can relate to that.
Waiting?
Waiting for some ding dong knell? I don't mean to sound as harsh as I sound. I just want to wake you up to connecting to yourself. What is this self-is-of-no-import thing? Is it a giant anger denial? Or do you actually think you aren't important in your own life? Have you been taught to think this way? (I don't mean to mock, as I was pretty much taught to think this way).
0 Replies
martybarker
1
Reply
Wed 11 Oct, 2006 11:17 pm
I guess there is no way of knowing how this will work out for you since every situation is different. However, mine did not work out. I looked at my situation exactly the same way as you see it. I wanted my marriage to work out. I wanted us to look back on our difficult time as yet another hurdle we were able to climb over. Unfortunately, he had determined that our marriage was over long before he clued me in on it. So by time we started counseling the marriage was already over and he had moved on.
The 2 years that we were seperated was pure hell. I sank so low I didn't think I'd ever rise above it.
So what I'm trying to say is that what ever happens with this just know that it will take some time but you will eventually be a stronger person with whatever life lesson comes out of this.
0 Replies
ossobuco
1
Reply
Wed 11 Oct, 2006 11:19 pm
Agree with Marty.
0 Replies
DFBaker
1
Reply
Wed 11 Oct, 2006 11:50 pm
Hope
So what you are saying is that I should not have hope? I would like to think this is fixable. We are in Counseling. Should I just let her know that it's over without a fight? I really do not know what to do? First time for anything like this.
0 Replies
ossobuco
1
Reply
Thu 12 Oct, 2006 12:04 am
I couldn't begin to comment about your marriage and its remaining possibilities. I have commented about your own attitude of near subservience, to wake you up to it. I don't think subservience is helpful in marriage or after it, if it doesn't work out. Note I am not recommending aggression on your part. I'd just like you to see yourself as a whole person here, not as someone who needs to go to the basement.
Or, is there something you're not telling us about the relegation to the basement? What supposedly horrible thing did you do to be "sent" there?
0 Replies
DFBaker
1
Reply
Thu 12 Oct, 2006 12:13 am
Nothing. I moved back in and she said that I will probably have to stay in the basement for now. I wish I could read her mind. Thanks for the incite though.
0 Replies
martybarker
1
Reply
Thu 12 Oct, 2006 01:23 am
I don't think that you should give up hope. I fought very hard to try and keep my marriage together. But in my case I couldn't do it alone. He had made his decision to pursue another relationship rather than fix what was lacking in ours. I really don't believe that he just woke up one day and realized that this marriage wasn't meant to be. I firmly believe that he made a choice to be unfaithful and break his committment not only to me but our family as well. It takes two people to make a marriage work and unfortunately I couldn't fix ours alone.
I hope that your wife realizes that with counseling and some committment to try to mend things that your relationship can work.
Of course I believe there are situations that marriages shouldn't continue as in cases of abuse, addiction....but people should just realize that no marriage is 100% perfect without effort and communication and acceptance.
0 Replies
ossobuco
1
Reply
Thu 12 Oct, 2006 01:41 am
I had a similar surprise, Marty. Just saying, so you don't think I am cold to that. I'm still dealing. But... this particular fellow is not in communication with his wife, enough, and when he does get to be, it's likely hard news.
And still I say, what the hell are you doing in the basement. You are paying the bills? You built the place? Stand up.
Actually, no, first get a lawyer, Mr. Baker. And stand up while you do that.
In the meantime, I recognize - and did from the start, but put off commenting - the name dfBaker. Is this whole thread a hoax?
Oh, probably I have my memory twisted. There was this fellow who disappeared into the northwest quite a while ago now...
but I can't verify the name with goog, so I am probably wrong.
0 Replies
DFBaker
1
Reply
Thu 12 Oct, 2006 05:54 am
No what I am going through is pretty much real and has F my life up. I started looking at legal items last night.
0 Replies
flushd
1
Reply
Thu 12 Oct, 2006 06:05 am
I'm sorry to hear this, DFBaker.
So what is the deal with your work right now? Are you home for a while, off with no work? When do you need to go back?
You two must have arranged somewhere for the 2 kids to go for next week, the Cruise. Any way to arrange for them to be taken early?
This is a hard blow and I fear that you are staying in that basement, letting her run the show bc she is the primary caretaker of the kids. Am I way off?
You need time to digest without outside worries.
0 Replies
DFBaker
1
Reply
Thu 12 Oct, 2006 06:11 am
Thank you for the comment. I am off work for the rest of the year. I am an Independent Adjuster, I work when the need is there. Yes we have made arrangements for the kids. Her mother is flying in to watch them while we are away. I just feel that I need to grant her what she wants if I want this to work and that is a little space. We get along fine. We never argue or fight. Maybe we should have in the past. We just felt like it was not healthy for the kids if we did. Should I be giving her the space? Should I try to be intimate on the Cruise? These are the true questions I have.
0 Replies
flushd
1
Reply
Thu 12 Oct, 2006 06:28 am
DFBaker wrote:
Should I be giving her the space? Should I try to be intimate on the Cruise? These are the true questions I have.
My personal opinion, and you will get others (more posters come on later in the morning), is that space is a good idea. For both of you.
My personal opinion again, is that you should not try to be intimate on the cruise. I don't know if you should even go on that cruise together. But I don't know all the details or you guys. This is just from the outside, and thinking if I was in that position. I would not want to be near someone who had hurt me like that. I would want time to myself to come to terms a bit.
I think that if you were to intiate intimacy on that Cruise it would be out of fear, more so than love trust and commitment. Just think about it a bit.
take care.
0 Replies
sozobe
1
Reply
Thu 12 Oct, 2006 07:38 am
What does she think about the cruise, in general? I'm trying to reconcile her wanting you to stay in the basement and her wanting to share a cabin on a ship with you. Or do you have separate cabins?
You say that you are both in counseling, but I agree that it sounds like YOU, personally and alone, could benefit from counseling.
What is coming out from the counseling thus far? What is your wife saying about why she's made the decisions she's made?
As an aside, it's been shown that allowing a certain amount (not too much and not too extreme) of fighting in front of kids helps. If parents never fight (and make up) in front of children, those children can grow up thinking that fights are never part of relationships. Then when the grown-up child has a fight with his or her partner, there is this thinking that fighting is a calamity. So it can be important to find that disagreements are OK, and even model HOW to fight. (Listening, not personally attacking the other person or bringing up ancient gripes, coming up with proactive solutions, hugging at the end, etc.)
0 Replies
blacksmithn
1
Reply
Thu 12 Oct, 2006 07:51 am
Oh fer crissake! Get OUT of the basement, first of all. If she's got a problem with that, show her the front door and invite her to leave at any time she wishes. Why on earth would you give her all the high cards in this game? It's her issues that have caused this rift, let her deal with them.
Second, set some boundaries. Let her know that you won't tolerate any further contact with this other guy under your roof. And that if she wants the benefit of going on this cruise, she can damn well accompany you as husband and wife or she can just stay home.
All this namby-pamby sensitive BS is just allowing her to further use and abuse you. There are worse things than divorce and this situation you've gotten yourself into sounds like one of them!
Sometimes you've just got to turn mother's picture to the wall and get out. I'm not saying you're there yet, but allowing her to dictate the terms of your relationship-- as it sounds like you have thus far-- will surely drive you there.