That's a beautiful dress you're wearing, Mrs. Cleaver

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A younger (8) and meaner (by far) kid lives on our block. We'll call him Eddie Haskell.

Mo (5) adores Eddie because, well Eddie is an older boy who pays attention to him.

I don't like Eddie much.

Not long ago Eddie told me that his step mom abused him and DHS was called and so on.

I made it a point to go down and introduce myself to Eddie's mom.

I never said a word but Eddie's mom said "I suppose you've heard the neighborhood rumors....." and went on to explain the situation and what had happened while I played dumb.

And, I believe her. Because.... well.... Eddie is Eddie.

So today Eddie is over here playing with the other kids and he whacks Mo with a golf club right in the face. All of the other kids are conveniently in another part of the yard when it happens so nobody sees it.

Now golfing accidents happen and I wouldn't have been quite so alarmed if Eddie hadn't offered up a story about the last time he wacked a kid in the face with a golf club and his family got sued.

Later Eddie's sister came down to deliver the message that Eddie's mom was wondering if Mo could come down for a sleep-over. I had a great reason to say "No, not tonight".

On top of all this, yesterday, Eddie led Mo off on his bike to areas where he knows Mo is not allowed to go. It just so happened that I was riding down to check on Mo (who was playing with the "gang") when I saw the forbidden street crossing.

Mo was contrite and Eddie complemented my beautiful dress. I let them both have it.

Tonight Mr. B had a chat with Mo about how he doesn't want Mo playing with Eddie when it is just the two of them, that he doesn't want Mo to go into Eddie's house, and, that when Mo is playing with the gang, we want to know if Eddie joins in.

Mr. B and I had discussed and agreed on these points prior to the conversation.

But I know it will be up to me to enforce the no-Eddie rules and to explain to Eddie's mom why we don't want Mo playing at their house.

I like Eddie's mom, and his dad, and his sisters and his little brother (who is 4 so close to Mo's age). I just don't like Eddie and I don't want Mo around Eddie.

Please help me handle talking to Eddie's family diplomatically but forcefully. They are likely to be our neighbors for years to come.

Thank you!

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Sorry, I have to go look at Gus' africa thread, but I stop in to say I loved the title...

I can see by a glance it's a serious post, will be back.

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Hah, we're battling ourselves precocious and conniving Lizzy who moved into the neighborhood. I didn't even bather to get to know the parents,
all I want is for Lizzy to stop pesting us. She's only 12 years old and
terrible bad news.

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Have you managed to get rid of her CJane?

What does little Jane think of Lizzy?

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Oh hell!

Mebbe something about how "the boys are both so high spirited and active, and Eddie being that bit older, and Mo so looking up to him, that Mo is likely to do stuff when he is with Eddie that he isn't ready for? Not that eddie does bad stuff, just stuff that you can't let Mo do yet?"

Good you're trusting your instincts...bad peer stuff is really so not on for kids like Mo.

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what dlowan said....

just wanted to jump in and say I GASPED when I read the getting hit in the face with a golf club.

little ****.

is mo OK?

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Sorry for the opening tangent, Gus was insistent.

I think communication with Eddie Haskell's mom is not a bad thing, though I can see a lot of arrows for caution, including legal ones. But in just old human terms, I can see talking. The legal bit I guess would be to admit Mo is not perfect, in case this ever matters in court. The human bit is that you are both trying to deal.

Communication between Mo and Eddie Haskell seems inevitable, given the mother and son (and?) continue to live there, and Mo's increasing sphere as he ages.

Oy.

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boomerang wrote:

Have you managed to get rid of her CJane?

What does little Jane think of Lizzy?

Not entirely. I reasoned with Jane and she seems to understand,
but at the same time she's mesmerized by Lizzy. First I thought
I don't want to prohibit the friendship and trusted that Jane - with
a lot of explanations on my part - will understand and eventually
get tired of her, but Lizzy keeps calling and Jane is tempted.
Now, I put my foot down and stopped any contact.

Before Mo get's hurt seriously I suggest you do the same. I am sure
Eddie's parents are pleasant, the entire family nice, but this is your son,
and you need to protect him.

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Re: That's a beautiful dress you're wearing, Mrs. Cleaver

boomerang wrote:

But I know it will be up to me to enforce the no-Eddie rules and to explain to Eddie's mom why we don't want Mo playing at their house.

You really don't have to give a why (other than I'm Mo's mom, and I'd prefer it if he didn't), but if you really need to ... something along the lines of you know his mom is busy with a pile of kids and you'd like to keep an eye on things at your place. hmmmmm, of course that puts everybody's house off-limits. that's not so good. I think sticking with "I'm Mo's mom" is best.

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When I was eight I lived as an only child in an apartment building in NYC with few children. Me, and Carole, and Pooky... over on the other side of the building. I remember Carole and I being let to go visit Pooky one day, and remember enjoying it.

Looking back from here... lordloveaduck, I think that Pooky's Mom may have been not only jewish, fine in my mom's boston irish catholic pov, tempered by real life connections in California - much much better than protestant (don't look at me, not my opinion)... but I bet they were sort of, er, bohemian, even lefty. I've a memory of bracelets and woven fabrics..

This is not to equate these scenarios - clearly Pooky was not a danger forming child, and I'd enjoy knowing now how her life went. Just to say I remember this, a half century later.

Haskell may be a slimo bully kid, probably an advanced mess though only eight.

Just wishing his mom could get help...

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I missed dlowan's post before.

Good point to say, and true.

I'm still - sort of - for you talking with Eddie's mom a bit, mostly to get her to talk, but could easily be wrong.

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Meeting Pooky might have been my first eye opener to other than a parental experience. I saw my mother's tension, but I liked her.

With Eddie Haskell - this is Mo's first experience with an Eddie, and, we all agree, too soon...

The whole thing about bigger (whatever) kids being more significant for behavior than reasonable parents is a matter I can't speak to, but worry about. I agree with keeping Mo away from him. But, time will pass and they will be in proximity. Sooo, Mo is best equipped...

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I don't have a good record at handling things like this, I'm afraid. We had an Eddie2 in our neighborhood when SonofEva was five. We moved, partly to get away from him. The kid is now 16 and in serious trouble, no surprise. SonofEva knows about it, and we've talked. Now he understands why I didn't like him playing with Eddie2.

Eddie2's parents (especially the father) were not reasonable people. This, in large measure, caused Eddie2's problems, and it also made it impossible to speak with them about the situation. Sounds like you'll have more luck with your Eddie's parents, boom.

We now have a situation where there is a YOUNGER Eddie in the neighborhood...we'll call him Eddie3. His parents luuuuv that he plays with SonofEva, because they think my son is a good influence. Sheesh. The kid has major behavioral problems that we're not equipped to deal with. We're about to put our foot down and separate the two before it gets ugly. I'm just going to tell Eddie3's mom that her son needs to find more age-appropriate friends. Then she can think whatever she wants.

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Mo is seriously bruised and swollen but otherwise fine. He was hit right on the cheekbone. A couple of inches or less in any direction and he could have been really hurt.

My first post was a little confusing -- by "mom" I mean step-mom. Eddie lives with his dad, his step-mom, her teen daughters from an earlier marrige, Eddie and dad and step-mom's child together.

I think that Eddie's mom and dad's divorce was a nasty one and that mom is the one who called DHS on step-mom just to stir up trouble. It was step-mom who explained it all to me.

Mo just got up and is demanding attention so more in a bit.....

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I saw this just before shutting down the computer last night... my response was going to be similar to Beth's. Don't get into the reasons, just lay down the law. Keep saying "no."

I did think with that quick first reading that the person you were talking about was his mom -- my gut feeling is that a step-mom might not be quite so defensive, not sure about that one. As in, maybe it would work to try something like, "I know accidents happen, but this thing with the golf club is just the latest in a series of problems with Eddie. I really need to be protective of Mo given his history, so I'm afraid we're going to have to take things down a notch. Eddie's going to have to prove that he's trustworthy before I'm going to let him play with Mo out of my eyesight. They can still have occasional contact, but I'm going to keep an eye on things. I hope you understand."

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And then, as a follow-up,

a) REALLY watch 'em... make it un-fun for Eddie if he has mischief on his mind.

b) Use that if you don't have time/ energy. "Sorry, it won't work to have Eddie over today, I just won't be able to keep an eye on them."

In some ways I still like a plain NO, it would be simpler, but if a goal is to stay cordial what I like about this is that it offers an out, gives some power to Eddie -- if he can't be nice even when he's given a chance, that's his problem.

The potential problem is when accounts differ -- when he says he IS being nice at your house and you say uh not so much. But it sounds like step-mom is very used to Eddie being less than truthful.

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I agree that you don't owe Eddie's stepmom and explanation. If she presses for one, I'd just say that Mo and Eddie are not good together. The age thing is a real issue, especially given Eddie's penchant for mischief.

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You are entirely justified in protecting your kid from anything you deem unsafe!

You explain to Mo as best you can, even offer an explanation to Eddie's step-mom if you feel like doing so.

But you (and Mr. B.) get to make the rules.

Here are a few thoughts:

1. Why isn't Eddie playing with kids his own age? Has he been ostracized for being mean? Is he looking for a younger side-kick because younger kids are more easily influenced/tormented/abused/preyed upon?

2. Kids can get hurt trying to keep up with older kids. (My brother's 4 1/2 years older than me... care to guess how many times I went to the emergency room versus how many times he went?)

3. Pay attention to your intuition. I'm a firm believer in listening that that little voice that says "something's fishy about this...."

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Soz is on target here. Having been reported for child abuse, I'm sure that stepmama knows Eddie has his little ways.

Quote:

"I know accidents happen, but this thing with the golf club is just the latest in a series of problems with Eddie. I really need to be protective of Mo given his history, so I'm afraid we're going to have to take things down a notch. Eddie's going to have to prove that he's trustworthy before I'm going to let him play with Mo out of my eyesight. They can still have occasional contact, but I'm going to keep an eye on things. I hope you understand."

Well said--both firm and tactful.

Also, the next time there is an "accident" that leave Mo in tears, I'd send Eddie home until he remembers to be more careful.

Eddie may have his blandishments and Older Boy Glamour, but you and Mr. B. have the responsibility and the last word.

Pretending Eddie is an Okay Kid is not doing either Eddie or his family any favors.

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Rereading what everyone said. Some very good things said.

I didn't know how to say it exactly before, and it probably still what come out the way I'm feeling it, but what someone said about not "owing" the parents an explanation really hit home.....so here goes.

Eddie is a rotten bully.
The fact that he is on the road to perdition is sad, but a kid like that is not someones concern, their own sons or daughters safety is.

As far as my thoughts of having to "get along" with the parents because they are neighbors....well, that just bullshit to me personally.

Somehow this kid is growing up to be a bully that plays with kids too young for him. My gut tells me this kid doesn't play with kids his age because they don't put up with his ****. I have no idea what's going on in his home that's helping him become this person, but I wouldn't take the stance that somehow these parents are nice normal folks and somehow they've been stuck with with Demon Seed that they just can't control. Neighbor or not, they are raising a boy who is a physical threat to others around him, and they wouldn't be people I would spend any time with.

OK, here's the gist of it....I would never be held hostage by either a "poor misunderstood boy with troubles" or the society that tells me I'm supposed to "work with him" and try to get along with the parents and be part of working with this boy to be a non-violent member of society.

That "It takes a Village" stuff has a limit. There is a sacred line between the village and MY family that will not be crossed.

Next time I saw Eddie I would point blank tell him he has to leave, cannot play with my son anymore and to stay away.

I'd tell my son he has to stay away from him because Eddie is a bully and damn near blinded him with a golf club and that is just plain WRONG and that's just not going to happen again.

The mother and father will probably never say a word to you because they know what a little **** their son is. If they do though, I would tell them the exact same thing I told my son.

Someone hurts someone I love like that....screw it, get out of my life and go mess up someone else.

People do get kicked out of a village you know.

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That's a beautiful dress you're wearing, Mrs. Cleaver

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