Reply
Sun 24 Sep, 2006 06:01 pm
My wife and I have been together since we were both about 16 - 22 years later I would have said that we had the perfect relationship - really into each other, fantastic sex life, great family life. We have only ever had sex with each other.
For all but the last six months, I had been the sole breadwinner, with her raising our three beautiful children. She decided six months ago to start working in her dream career & this was something that I fully supported her with. I now work 40 hours a week instead of 60 hours a week & take on pretty well all of the household duties to support her in her job. (This change in situation has caused enormous financial pressure because her job doesn't come anywhere near covering my loss of income) Everyday is a struggle but I do it because I love her and want to support her in her dream. I try and keep positive, but I am really suffering. She made a huge sacrifice for the first 17 years of our marriage by supporting me through thick and thin, and I am trying to honour that.
In the last four months things had changed. The connection that we shared seemed to have faded. Our sex life had dropped off & assumed that this was because she was exhausted from working 10-12 hours a day.
She has become very close to the people at work and talks constantly about them - she has connected with a male colleague particularly & I have encouraged this friendship (again, in the spirit of being supportive)
Three days ago she came home upset - it took a while for me to extract what was bothering her, but eventually she confided in me that the friend at work had indicated that he wanted more from the relationship. I was upset but remained calm - she is an attractive woman & plenty of men have shown interest in her over the years, but she has never reciprocated. However, she admitted to me that although nothing happened, she has feelings for this person. She did not admit that to the friend, but rejected his advances. My world has been turned upside down. We spent the weekend talking & she has said that she doesn't want to pursue it. I know that she love me. I am trying to be cool about her continuing to stay in her dream job & working closely with this person, but I am anxious about the situation. I trust her completely, but I feel this real sense of loss.
Hi Ryan,
Welcome to A2K.
While I understand that this would have thrown you for a loop, there are a lot of encouraging things in your post to an objective reader. (Well, to me, anyway. :-)) Especially, your wife told you before she did anything. That has a few implications. It means that she has sufficient filters that she thinks before she acts; that she trusts you enough to talk to you; and that it is far less likely that an affair will take place when you already know about her attraction than if she kept quiet.
Different people think differently about this, but I think that merely having feelings -- and not acting on them -- isn't a major offense. Especially in the circumstances you describe -- the fact that you've been together since you were 16 and that this is her first venture out on her own in a very long time -- it's easy to imagine that this kind of thing would happen to her.
While you didn't actually say you were considering this, I don't think withdrawing your support of her working (forcing her to stop) would solve anything. It's very likely that she really enjoys the autonomy she's experiencing now, and in fact that rush could be all wrapped up in the "feelings" she's having. If you remove that, you become the bad guy and she'll likely just look for other ways to recreate that rush.
I think remaining supportive while also keeping the lines of communication open -- you don't have to like the fact that she has feelings for someone else, obviously, and shouldn't feel like you need to be silent about that -- is most likely to help you guys get through this. Perhaps couseling, too.
Good luck!
Soz is right as usual. The fact that she could share her feelings with you speaks volumes.
I understand the sense of loss, but try not to let it get to you. Even the most happily married people now and then develop feelings for others. We can't control our feelings...only our actions. And your wife is handling it very well.
Thank you for your responses - I know you are right. Something interesting has evolved through my wife and my discussions (we have certainly kept the lines of communication open, in fact we have had some amazing sex this weekend also, which seems to be being fueled by the intensified communication that we are having!) The object of her affections is very similar in nature to her father and brother, both of whom she has extremely difficult relationships with. He is also extremely self destructive, drinks heavily, is overweight,& a heavy smoker, & she suspects that on some level she is trying to deal with issues from her childhood. As she tries to define her feelings for this man, I am wondering if I need be so concerned.
I have committed to continue to support her in any way she wants. I have even suggested that she be intimate with him to see if that is what she needs to establish whether this is what she really wants. She has said that she won't (thank God!) I don't know how I would deal with this reality. She & I have often said in the past that we would stay soul mates if we ever separated, but now the hard reality is starting to sink in. I am not as in control of my own fears & jealousies as I first thought!
She is back at work now. I have asked her to spend the next few weeks exploring what it is that she wants & to let me know what that is when she decides. I suppose that I am working on the old "if you love something, set it free" principle.
Being stuck at home for 17 years with children and housework, her life now must be like getting out of prison.
Everything is new and exciting, like being in a nightclub for the first time, when I think back, I could have fallen in love with everybody...
I am quite sure her feelings are part of this excitement and nothing compared to the love that you two share.
Don't hold it against her, once she realizes that it's nothing serious, and she can enjoy the interest of other men without being interested herself, and obviously without endangering the relationship she has got!
And keep talking, I love the fact, that you can do that!
All the best!
Sozobe, eva & Bohne -
Your feedback has been so helpful - it is really giving me perspective on this thing -
It is going to be ok!
Ryan Samson wrote: As she tries to define her feelings for this man, I am wondering if I need be so concerned.
I have committed to continue to support her in any way she wants. I have even suggested that she be intimate with him to see if that is what she needs to establish whether this is what she really wants. She has said that she won't (thank God!) I don't know how I would deal with this reality
I suppose that I am working on the old "if you love something, set it free" principle.
I agree with everything said so far, but feel the need to add a note of caution in being "overly supportive". It's wonderful that the two of you have such a warm and supportive relationship and I think you'll be fine in the end, but sending the message you have just stated here might backfire. Unless you are truly prepared to walk down this road then I wouldn't advise sending these signals.
I'm sure (hope) that you presented your message in a supportive tone, but I think it can be taken that you don't care as much as you're saying you care. You suggested she be intimate with him, followed by not knowing what you'd do if she took you up on it. I would suggest treading a little lighter in the "whatever you need to do to find yourself" mode.
Yes, I agree. It also seems to be a little bit manipulative, though I'm sure that's not how you intend it.
It sounds like you guys are reconfiguring your marriage in some basic ways, and that's never easy. You seem to be doing a really good job of talking about it -- counseling may help things along if you seem to stop moving forward. Great that the talking is going so well so far, though.
FYI, one of the most stressful points in a marriage is when one spouse returns to work.
<adding an "and furthermore" to Sozobe and JPB's posts>
Ryan, you said -
I have even suggested that she be intimate with him to see if that is what she needs to establish whether this is what she really wants. She has said that she won't (thank God!) I don't know how I would deal with this reality. She & I have often said in the past that we would stay soul mates if we ever separated, but now the hard reality is starting to sink in. I am not as in control of my own fears & jealousies as I first thought!
I would tell her this. As it is, she might infer that you don't in the end care how things go...
I have to agree, also, with not giving her permission to be unfaithful. I understand the generous spirit in which it was spoken, but bottom line...this is a marriage, not a dating relationship. The two of you have committed yourselves to being faithful to each other. Don't break that bond.
Yeah, I've got to agree with everyone else here. I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said. I will just echo that you should not give your consent for her to go "try him out", not only would that cause problems between you are your wife but that would only make it more difficult to get rid of this guy. Next, you can't expect her to never have feelings for another man, I'm sure you've been attracted to someone women and had to fight off the temptation as well. As long as it is fought off.
You're a bigger man than me. I would have insisted that she find another location to pursue her dream job, if that's possible, and not continue to be in this other mans' presence. He's admitted feelings for her, she's admitted feelings for him, if I were you I'd be leery of how long this is going to go on before the **** hits the fan, however way it blows.
eoe, I always thought you were a woman...!
stuh505 wrote:eoe, I always thought you were a woman...!
I am...that was just a figure of speech.
I am really benefitting from this feedback - Thank You!
It is morning here in Australia, and my wife has headed off to her job once more & I am writing in between getting the kids ready for school.
I have been awake since 4am, mulling everything over in my head.
I was obviously distressed & we talked some more. I have told her that I would not be comfortable wth her "testing the waters" with this man & I think that she understands my feelings.
I didn't mention in my previous posts that this man is in a long term relationship also, which has been going through a rough patch. I think that one of the things that bothered me initially when she admitted her feelings about this guy was that they have obviously had some pretty deep and meaningful conversations about the state of their respective relationships.
I am concerned that if I was to insist on a change of job I might make the situation worse - I need her to know that I trust her. I have suggested that she let this person know that she has discussed his advances to me. Do you think that this is a good idea?
Phoenix32890 wrote:Would this be an issue if the roles were reversed, and the person asking the question was the wife of a man who was attracted to a woman at work? [/color][/b]
In my house, it would be a reeeeeeally big issue. You'd better believe it!
Phoenix32890 wrote:I think that she is going through this simply because she has never related to men, out in the world, as an adult woman. Personally, I think that she needs to work through (possibly in counselling) her reasons for becoming attracted to another man. I think that the marriage will become all the stronger for it. [/color][/b]
And that's all true but in the meantime, this other man is in her face daily, who knows if he'll become more aggressive. Who knows whether she can continue to hold her ground against her own admitted feelings for him. I'm kinda playing the devil's advocate here but thought it necessary considering that no one was looking at it from another angle. There's always another angle, as painful as it may be.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace