Need help with husband

windymindy wrote:

Well the kids are more important right now JPB. We can't neglect them for ourselves, we'll have plenty of time when they are gone. And if you say that my husband will leave before the kids, your wrong. We agreed that no matter what, no separation/divorce before the kids leave the house. I think we can rekindle that fire when they are gone. Right now we have a responsibility to raise the kids. There just isn't enough time for us right now. Not to the extent that he wants, anyway. I don't understand people that can take vacations without their children, our family is us and the kids.......not us then the kids. He has also said that he will work on not "wanting it" as often. He even said that it is begining to be not that important anymore, he can live without it. A marriage isn't just about sex anyway.

Our focus is on the kids, we decided that and now we must continue down that path. A "scenic" route is not bad every once in a while, but not every week.

That is just the way I see it.

So, what is[/I] your marriage about? 1) You don't have couple time. 2) You don't have sex. 3) You don't hang out together (he goes to bed early and you aren't joining him... although you could, then get back up again... he's getting up early, doing his morning trip without your companionship...)

Honestly, beyond you 2, think about what you are modeling for your kids, not very intimately couple relationships. If I were you, I would try to connect w/my spouse more in front of the kids, let them see that spending time alone, even 15 minutes walking around the block holding hands is important and part of relationship maintenence. Of course, this is jmo.

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windymindy, my parents took an approach to parenting that sounds a lot like what you are talking about here: I came first, I was included in pretty much everything they did. That made it hard for them to see (or for my mom to see, anyway) that at some point our family had really become all about their seperate connections with me, and not at all about their connection with each other.

And believe me, it was VERY painful to me as a child to see that my parents really had no affection between them. It was nice in a selfish way to never get sent to a babysitter's, but I'd have much rather dealt with being packed off for a few hours a week and have had them maintain a connection. It's not a good feeling to look back and realize that your parents put you ahead of EVERYTHING else, to the extent that it cost them their marriage.

You really aren't doing your kids any favors to put them in that position.

Also, you say you can "rekindle the flame" after your kids leave. But in the post before that, you say you're gone once your youngest leaves. So you are obviously conflicted about whether there will be anything left between you by that time. At some point it will be too late to undo the damage and disconnectedness built up over the years.

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sozobe wrote:

windymindy, it can be both of you.

Relationships are too individual for there to be any one-size-fits-all advice about frequency of sex.

For some couples, once a month is plenty.

For some couple, twice a week isn't nearly enough.

For either of those categories, if both people are on the same page it's not a problem.

What you are saying is that you and your husband seem to not be on the same page -- and it seems to be all on him to deal with that, rather than you meeting him halfway.

Their libidos are certainly out of whack, but their relationship problems seem to go beyond that realm, don't they... She's not bothering to be available to have sex w/him at what I would imagine is the most opportune time, when the first person in the couple is going to bed, or the 2nd most opportune time, when the first person in the couple is rising in the morning. Certainly, there are how many other opportunities both are missing throughout the day, but with children running through the house, perhaps not so many as there might be for other couples in other households, kwim?

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It does sound like there are a lot of issues that follow the same basic idea -- she establishes how things should be, and her husband has to deal with that.

It sounds like there may be some kind of power imbalance -- she was the popular cheerleader type and he was a nerd who felt lucky to get her, something -- that makes her think she can get away with that. But there doesn't seem to be enough compromise and proactive communication. Just, this is how things are, deal with it.

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So far, he's offering to comprimise by trying to put sex out of his mind or 'handle it himself'. I agree with blacksmithn's first post. She's lucky he isn't having an affair.

I don't think the frequency of sex has much, if anything, to do with their issues. I get the sense that she's providing occasional availability to her body, but her heart isn't in it. Perhaps that's why he doesn't finish.

Cyphercat, thanks for your input from the kid's perspective!

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windymindy wrote:

I think we can rekindle that fire when they are gone. Right now we have a responsibility to raise the kids. There just isn't enough time for us right now. Not to the extent that he wants, anyway. I don't understand people that can take vacations without their children, our family is us and the kids.......not us then the kids. He has also said that he will work on not "wanting it" as often. He even said that it is begining to be not that important anymore, he can live without it. A marriage isn't just about sex anyway.

You are right, a marriage is not just about sex, but it is a part of it.
And if you think you can put your husband into the closet until your kids are out of the house and you feel like taking time for him again, I think you will be very surprised in 10 year's time.

Your kids don't need you 24/7.
They need to be looked after and cared for, but that doesn't mean, a friend cannot do that once in a while.
It does not have to be every day, not even every week, but why don't you start (again) to take your partner as seriously and dedicate some time to him and you as a couple?

you are right, a marriage is not just about sex, but maybe you should start remembering all the other things a marriage is about.

Right now your marriage sounds very sad and I hope I will not be getting this far ... ever!!!

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windymindy wrote:

He has also said that he will work on not "wanting it" as often. He even said that it is begining to be not that important anymore, he can live without it. A marriage isn't just about sex anyway.

I would be very concerned about this if I were you. I am surprised he hasn't left or had an affair. Something bad is coming up: he is saying he is willing to stuff his feelings and needs away in order to make you happy.
Pretty soon he really won't care. Sex with you will seem unattractive.
He's building up some big resentment silently. It couldn't be otherwise: you've asked him to agree with you that he Isn't Important.

Painful!

Why are you so angry with your hubby? You're sabotaging your marriage and kicking him right in the balls, over and over again.

Or do you just like control and no longer care about your hubby? Fell out of love? Making him pay bc you feel stuck in the marriage with the kids?

Y'all are in big trouble. Guess the big question is: Do you want the marriage to work, or do you want out?

These are just my thoughts.

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Since I last posted I have talked to my husband. After an argument we had last night, about sex, he seams depressed. He said he asks for it too much and he will stop grabing my butt. He doesn't do it often, but I just don't like it, I think I have a fat butt and he says he likes it. He said he is very sexually attracted to me and that it is hard not to want to do it, as in sex and touch my body. We are meeting in the middle and will try to have sex twice a month for now. Later we may get to once a week. It is a power thing for me. I sometimes feel that if I give in, he wins and gets what he wants. We are also going to try to have some alone time once a week, even if it is just watching tv for an hour. He will try to stay up later so that we may have that time. I know he can get by with less sleep, he farms and during harvest and planting he is out till 1 or 2am and then gets up at 4-4:30am every morning.

We will see how this goes. He would also like a hot supper some days, I can do that if he can stay up later. Some of these things I know I should be doing anyway.

With your help we have made a step closer. He still won't go to counceling and says we can take care of this ourselves. He won't come on to me until I come on to him the next time. Probably take turns.

Thank you all for taking the time to help us. Any more ideas, comments are appreciated.

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windymindy wrote:

We are meeting in the middle and will try to have sex twice a month for now.

Perhaps I'm rememberig wrong, but I thought twice a month was how often you've been having sex anyway...? Is twice a month really "meeting in the middle"? It has to be both less often than he would choose AND more often than you would choose in order to be a compromise.

Quote:

It is a power thing for me. I sometimes feel that if I give in, he wins and gets what he wants.

What has made this into a matter of winning?

That's so sad to me, to be in a relationship where you'd resent your partner having something he likes because that lets him "win." Do you know why you feel a need to have this power? That might be a good question for you to explore-- I think you might find the roots of some of these issues if you can discover what's made you feel like you need that sense of power.

Maybe you feel a lack of power in other areas that you are trying to make up for in this area?

Quote:

He will try to stay up later so that we may have that time. I know he can get by with less sleep, he farms and during harvest and planting he is out till 1 or 2am and then gets up at 4-4:30am every morning.

Will you be getting up earlier some days?

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Windymindy,
I just had time to catch up on your thread. I just want you to know that 5 years ago I could have been saying the exact same things as you are. 3 years ago my husband left me and I didn't see it coming. He felt that we had grown apart and were no longer spiritually connected. So he found someone else to connect with. I wish I could write more but I have to run. I will definitely try to catch up more later.
My advice is to never take this marriage or your husband for granted. There is an issue here and now is your chance to come together and fix it before it's too late.

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Windymindy, don't be surprised when your husband will find happiness
someplace else, and I deliberately said when and not if.

I honestly don't think you love him. Allowing your husband usage over your
body two times a month is pretty degrading towards him and he certainly doesn't deserve such pity treatment.

Making love is something very beautiful for both partners to enjoy and
indulge in. That is, if you love your partner.

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windymindy wrote:

We are meeting in the middle and will try to have sex twice a month for now. Later we may get to once a week. It is a power thing for me. I sometimes feel that if I give in, he wins and gets what he wants.

Sorry, but to me it does not sound like you are meeting in the middle.
It sounds like he is giving in all the time.
According to your theory that now makes you the winner.

If you want to meet in the middle, why don't you give a little, too?
Why does he have to stay up late to be with you, and you cannot get up earlier to be with him.
Why can't he have his hot dinner BEFORE he (normally) goes to bed?

If you don't like your butt grabbed, that is one thing, but believe him, when he says he likes your butt. In my experience, most men really don't go for skinny women.

windymindy wrote:

We are also going to try to have some alone time once a week, even if it is just watching tv for an hour.

That I think is a start at least.
But try and do things that give you an opportunity to talk about later.
No point to stare into the TV together for an hour, and then separate and go your own ways again.

I REALLY hope you can make this work, but try and think less ME and more WE.

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Do you spend any time away from your family? With your friends alone, pursuing your own hobbies? Do you have transportation of your own?

If I'm getting this right, you live on a farm. Lots to be done, long hours at times. Do you do most of the raising of the kids?

Whose family farm did you take over-his?

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Well, at least the two of you talked to each other about your situation. I don't see how your compromise is much of a compromise on your part windy, but at least you're willing to sit in the same room with him for an hour each week. I don't think watching television or going out to a movie qualifies as together time, but it's a start. And, you're willing to prepare a hot meal or two occasionally, something I gather you aren't doing currently.

The rest of your post left me cold.

Quote:

It is a power thing for me. I sometimes feel that if I give in, he wins and gets what he wants.

um, I honestly don't know how to respond to this other than to perhaps suggest that you consider taking the time you were willing to commit to marriage counseling and use it for some private therapy yourself.

You husband loves you, is sexually attracted to you, has a hard time keeping his hands off you, and your goal is to maintain power and make sure he doesn't get what he wants. Amazing!

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Amazing?!

I would have said "Sick."

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I agree with JPB. Hubby doesn't need counseling half as much as wife here. Making love is a bonding experience, it's not a win-lose proposition! What's the root of this anger I'm sensing? What is the source of this need to "win" by denying your partner (and, perforce, yourself) the shared joy of one of life's most intimate and treasured moments?

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One more thing...
I couldn't help thinking about it half the night (sorry, but you started it),
but how do you do the twice a month thing?

Is it always the first and third wednesday in a month?
Or the 10th and the 21st?
Or do you wait to see, when it best fits in with other plans.
And if so, if it hasn't happened by the 30th will you do it twice on the 31st?

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I wondered the same thing, Bohne. The scorecard concept is part of what left me cold. This goes back to something I said earlier in the thread. If sex is a chore then it's just sex. If it's just sex then there is a bigger issue.

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I don't think windymindy will come back. She didn't hear what she
wanted to and the good advice she got, she won't take as it inconveniences
her.

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She might be miffed because she couldn't "win." Rolling Eyes

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Need help with husband

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