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Tue 12 Sep, 2006 06:46 am
New to posting, have read many posts. I need some help.
We have been married 12 1/2 years, dated 5 years before we got married. I don't think my husband trusts me. I made one HUGE mistake. While we were dating I broke up to date other guys to make sure he was the one. I slept with another guy. It really hurt him. I thought he was over it, but he still thinks about it. He has been faithful and has always been there for me. Now I feel that he regrets that we got married. He heard that I had been with another guy just before we got married. It wasn't like that and we didn't have sex, but I was intimate with him. It was one night, no sex, just touching. That has been over 12 years and he still thinks about it. Am I wrong for telling him to let it go? He loves me, but not like he used to. It's like there is a barrier that he won't cross, won't give me 100% as he is afraid I'll do something to him again. I tell him I love him and want to be with him, but he doesn't believe me. I think he is over it because he does very sweet things for me, for no reason. I tell him we need counceling and he says that it is a waste of money, they don't really help. When he wants to have sex, like 2 times a week, and I tell him no is when he gets upset the most. We have sex about twice a month and he wants it at least once a week. I've gotten better, but not enough for him.
I'm just rambling, throwing thoughts as they come to me. I don't know what to do. Should we split up for a while? Sleep in other rooms? We have two children and don't want to hurt them. They are very close to their dad.
If I had sex when he wanted we would be fine. He does say often that he needs to know that I want him. I do, but do I have to have sex to prove that to him? He is not selfish in bed, I always finish before he does and many times he doesn't finish. He says he feels good just making me feel good. I don't know. I feel like he is the problem, but when I read this maybe I am the problem. I know I won't find a better friend or lover anywhere and don't want to loose him.
Please help me
Hello, windymindy, welcome to A2K.
There's lots of stuff in your post, so let's break it down a bit.
How old is your husband? How old were the two of you when you started dating? How long have you been feeling his emotional distance? Does it come up only when you say no to his advances?
Sorry for throwing a lot of questions at you, just trying to sort through your post.
JPB, thank you for the help. I'll answer the best that I can.
We are both in our 30's. We started dating in high school, then off for some time then in college we got serious.
Emotional distance? I don't know, mostly within the last 5 yrs. I guess. Thinking back, he was different in college than in hs. Not as close as when we first dated in hs. That is when I broke up to date others, we got along so well. I thought he was the one, then I did what I did. Wasn't as close as at first. Maybe he has always kept his distance in fear of me hurting him again. Might have been a big mistake, but I had not dated much before him in hs.
He does act different when I turn him down. Wants to bring up that I'm probably after someone else and even asks if I am interested in someone else. Like I would tell him if I were.
He wants sex twice a week but only gets it once a month?! No wonder he suspects you've another interest. Has this been going on for the whole 12 years? Cripes, you're lucky HE'S not having an affair!
As for couples counseling, he's right to avoid it, IMO. In my experience, it's generally a "let's blame the guy for everything" festival. He might benefit from talking to someone on his own though. After 12 years of "not tonight, I have a headache" his self-esteem is probably in need of serious repair.
Blacksmithn, how often do most married people have sex? Is once or twice a month that bad? I think he is expecting too much when he wants it twice a week. Makes me want to do it even less.
He doesn't even "finish" everytime anyway. I think he just wants to do it just "to do it".
Averages don't really matter. What matters is that this issue is important enough to him to sustain him through twelve years of refusals. And it's important enough to you to deny your dearest beloved for that same time period.
There's an issue here, but I'm beginning to doubt that sex is the real one.
According to a survey cited here:
http://marriage.about.com/cs/sexualstatistics/a/sexstatistics.htm
"Average" married couples make love about 98 times a year--that is just short of twice a week.
So when do the numbers count?
If he wants it 5 times a week and she agrees to twice but he still gets angry about three "Not tonight, Dears" is that different?
What do you think the issue is? Are you thinking about it? Is it negative towards me or him? Let me know, no one else seams to be concerned with my problem and I'd like to know someone elses opinion.
As far as refusals, there has only been 2 years that I can think of that we didn't have sex very often. Yes it was not very often at all, but what am I supposed to do? In 2 years we might have had sex 6-8 times per year. But every other year it has been closer to about 18 times per year. Is this bad? He thinks it is, but I don't. can't we meet in the middle or something.
windymindy wrote:JPB, thank you for the help. I'll answer the best that I can.
We are both in our 30's. We started dating in high school, then off for some time then in college we got serious.
Emotional distance? I don't know, mostly within the last 5 yrs. I guess. Thinking back, he was different in college than in hs. Not as close as when we first dated in hs. That is when I broke up to date others, we got along so well. I thought he was the one, then I did what I did. Wasn't as close as at first. Maybe he has always kept his distance in fear of me hurting him again. Might have been a big mistake, but I had not dated much before him in hs.
He does act different when I turn him down. Wants to bring up that I'm probably after someone else and even asks if I am interested in someone else. Like I would tell him if I were.
You've been married for 12 years and he's seemed more distant for the past 5 years. Sounds like a 7-year itch left unscratched. It is VERY common for people to start questioning their relationships and commitments after a certain time of being together. The term '7-year itch' was coined for a reason. It's about the time that partners start to look at each other in a different light. The rose colored glasses don't seem so rosy and you tend to notice the socks under the bed and where the toothpaste tube is being squeezed. Spontaneous tenderness is oftentimes replaced with criticism. Moods change, children have often taken precedence over the couple's relationship, and little things take on a bigger focus.
As time goes on, if partners don't take the time to reconnect with each other and spend the energies digging in to what is driving the wedge, then silences take the place of communication and feelings of rejection take the place of feelings of connection.
It sounds like your husband is trying to tell you that he feels insecure about your feelings towards him. Not necessarily because you were intimate with someone before your marriage, and not necessarily because you turn down his advances, but because he might feel that the two of you are disconnected emotionally. How much intimate time do you spend together outside of the bedroom, such as time together in pursuit of activities that you both enjoy, where it can be just the two of you?
It sounds like a power/control issue between the two of you, rather than a sexual one, IMO. It's a tug of war with sex being the current rope you're both pulling on. Have there been other such impasses in your marriage? Over what?
windymindy wrote:Blacksmithn, how often do most married people have sex? Is once or twice a month that bad? I think he is expecting too much when he wants it twice a week. Makes me want to do it even less.
He doesn't even "finish" everytime anyway. I think he just wants to do it just "to do it".
It sounds as if you don't have much emotional involvement in your love-making. If sex is a chore, then it's just sex. If it's just sex then there's a bigger issue.
JPB, one night alone together in the last 10 years. He has tried before, but the kids are more important right now. I stay up late, he goes to bed early, I sleep late, he gets up early. He tries to stay up late, but by midnight he is asleep. I just can't get up early in the morning, I'm not a morning person at all.
It seams to always come down to sex and time alone. We have kids, we just don't have that time anymore. The way he acted last night, I'm probably gone when the youngest is out of the house. Maybe better to leave then face each other alone, him wanting sex. I often think that if twice a month isn't enough, then he's got to take matters into his own "hands", so to speak.
windymindy wrote:JPB, one night alone together in the last 10 years. He has tried before, but the kids are more important right now. I stay up late, he goes to bed early, I sleep late, he gets up early. He tries to stay up late, but by midnight he is asleep. I just can't get up early in the morning, I'm not a morning person at all.
It seams to always come down to sex and time alone. We have kids, we just don't have that time anymore. The way he acted last night, I'm probably gone when the youngest is out of the house. Maybe better to leave then face each other alone, him wanting sex. I often think that if twice a month isn't enough, then he's got to take matters into his own "hands", so to speak.
Did you read what you just wrote? "He has tried before, but the kids are more important right now." Guess what he hears from you on a regular basis? You might not be speaking the words, but he hears them all the same.
You have kids, you have a husband. If you continue to dedicate all of your time to your kids, you won't have a husband. It's clear to me (and apparently it's also clear to him) that he's a chore you don't have time for. You have a decision to make. You can decide to spend some energy trying to reconnect emotionally with your husband, or you can continue to increase the distance between you. In my opinion, this has nothing to do with an event that occurred before you were married, but it has everything to do with the fact that he's trying but his needs and desires aren't important.
My suggestion is to get a babysitter, exchange date nights with a neighbor, or find some other way to be together where you talk about anything but your children. Good luck!
Well the kids are more important right now JPB. We can't neglect them for ourselves, we'll have plenty of time when they are gone. And if you say that my husband will leave before the kids, your wrong. We agreed that no matter what, no separation/divorce before the kids leave the house. I think we can rekindle that fire when they are gone. Right now we have a responsibility to raise the kids. There just isn't enough time for us right now. Not to the extent that he wants, anyway. I don't understand people that can take vacations without their children, our family is us and the kids.......not us then the kids. He has also said that he will work on not "wanting it" as often. He even said that it is begining to be not that important anymore, he can live without it. A marriage isn't just about sex anyway.
Our focus is on the kids, we decided that and now we must continue down that path. A "scenic" route is not bad every once in a while, but not every week.
That is just the way I see it.
Windymindy--
Several people have told you on this thread--as has your husband, off this thread--that marital sex is very important in sustaining a romantic relationship.
This isn't what you want to hear, is it?
windymindy wrote:Well the kids are more important right now JPB. We can't neglect them for ourselves, we'll have plenty of time when they are gone. And if you say that my husband will leave before the kids, your wrong. We agreed that no matter what, no separation/divorce before the kids leave the house. I think we can rekindle that fire when they are gone. Right now we have a responsibility to raise the kids. There just isn't enough time for us right now. Not to the extent that he wants, anyway. I don't understand people that can take vacations without their children, our family is us and the kids.......not us then the kids. He has also said that he will work on not "wanting it" as often. He even said that it is begining to be not that important anymore, he can live without it. A marriage isn't just about sex anyway.
Our focus is on the kids, we decided that and now we must continue down that path. A "scenic" route is not bad every once in a while, but not every week.
That is just the way I see it.
Oh my! That's quite a mouthful, windymindy. If you feel that going out to dinner occasionally or taking a walk in the park without you children constitutes neglect then that's that, I guess. Of course you have a responsibility to raise your kids, but not at the exclusion of everything else. What possible negative impact could it have on your children if they had parents who loved each other and were dedicated to each other's happiness along with theirs?
You said it was a mutual decision that your focus would be on the kids and that you 'must continue down that path'. It seems as if you and your husband had different ideas about what that path would look like.
The title of your thread is, "Need help with husband". What kind of help were you looking for?
Windymindy--
Do you consider yourself to be an inflexible, rigid person?
windymindy, it can be both of you.
Relationships are too individual for there to be any one-size-fits-all advice about frequency of sex.
For some couples, once a month is plenty.
For some couple, twice a week isn't nearly enough.
For either of those categories, if both people are on the same page it's not a problem.
What you are saying is that you and your husband seem to not be on the same page -- and it seems to be all on him to deal with that, rather than you meeting him halfway.
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