Well said, ragman.
Welcome to A2K ted/chris. We tend to get a bit confused when multiple users are sharing a login. At least you've stated so from the outset.
Yeah good advice ragman.
Sounds a bit like you are making excuses for him again but it's good that you are being strong. Read your last post back a couple of times and imagine your best friend has written it and what you would say to her.
You sound like a lovely person and I hope things work out for the best.
x
thanks all, very good advice and it helps so much just to talk about things and get them off my chest. I have felt alone for quite awhile and i know i should just step back and take time, its just so hard. I am needy right now and i know that, just hard to fight these emotions.
Hi Reb, and welcome to A2K.
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Have you ever suggested any kind of get-together where hooking-up is clearly not on the possible agenda? How do you think he'd react to that? It might give you a better idea about what's on his agenda.
i have not but if we do go out again i will make sure that sex is not on the table for that date, i think that would be ok. I think its more of me trying to figure out if he wants a "girlfriend" as in only go out with me or just someone to spend time with and date when he has time. even though we did have sex the last few dates, the ones before that and things he said don't tend to make me think thats what its all about, he had chased me for along time ( this is what i think the more i think about our conversations) i just am not sure he is ready for a relationship which maybe i am not either??? but i don't want to be sexual if thats not the case. I did wonder if it was just sex and part of me still wonders that but i think its more maybe?? very confused still but everyone has a good point that maybe its just me and i need to give myself more time and i am just being emotional because of the divorce?? I wanted my divorce and i do still get along with my ex, he had became like a best friend just not a husband, we married way to young and to be honest this divorce would have happened alot sooner but i did have sex with him and got pregant last year which ended in a miscarriage so thats why i stayed longer, we had already went to see a lawyer when i found out i was pregnant. long story but we do get along we just are not in love with eachother and really i am not upset over the divorce. it would be harder if we didn't get along but he is a good man and we had lots of problems and fights and he did even cheat on me but again, we married way to young and didn't really love eachother so i don't hate him and we both really did try to make things work but i wish him to be happy and after all this time i guess i crave to fall in love and have a real and lasting relationship with someone and the conversations pre-dates that i had with this guy made me think maybe??? but now its not going the way i had expected and i guess i am just a little hurt.
Paralysis by Analysis
I'll start here and preface this so you understand that I don't ever mean to sound harsh, judgemental or overly critical. This is meant to be positive and constructive.
All that being said, however....
when you take the biggest psychological stressors that can happen in a person's life, you're experiencing concurrently quite a few of the biggest ones.
Please look beyond this current dating situation to your own relationship with yourself. I'm getting concerned about where your emotional balance and health are because you have written so far that you:
1. had a divorce
2. had a miscarriage in the recent past.
3. had another intimate relationship with this guy and could be facing a subsequent breakup. (other relationships?)
4. could have moved residences(?) or changed jobs (about to happen?)
5. could be distressed over finances (?)
There are a lot of warning flags going up now. My suggestion here is a strong one: please seek counseling as you seem to be on a collision course with more DIS-stress and pain. Remember again that this is NOT a judgement and no one is telling you are nuts.
You are hurting BIG TIME and most likely you need more help and guidance than can effectively be provided here. What are your family and friends advising you to do? Have you told them about what is going on in your life in any detail?
I, too, over-analyze and agonize over the early stages in relationships. I do this particularly when I feel vulnerable or am scared that I'm moving too fast.
I noticed in your last message that you analyzed what went wrong in your marriage, what is going wrong in the current situation, but your focus seems drawn away from what you're doing (or are going) to strengthen your own relationship with yourself. Do you have any hobbies, work you do, or outside interests?
Because I've seen nothing written about any counseling or professional help sought, I'm concerned. If no counseling has been sought during any of the breakups or miscarriage, WHY NOT? Are you covered by any insurance? Will you seek out this help soon? NOW is the time. If for no other reason but to help you process some of the grief of losing a baby. The impact of this is NOT TO BE MINIMIZED.
The tone of your writing displays a bouncing around as I read it over and has me quite alarmed. Your focus is outward instead of inward, where you could do the most good to enhance your happiness.
Long term happiness will only come from within you..not from being in a relationship with another person.
i did go to counseling before the divorce and yes the miscarriage was very painful for me, i had considered not having the baby because of the state of my marriage and the fact that i have an older child and wasn't sure if it was right for me at that time but after a stuggle with that decision i did decide to have the baby and let myself get very excited about the baby. You have to understand it was a shock that i was pregnant because i had my tubes tied a year before that and thought there was no way i could get pregnant and had my tubes tied because it was not something i wanted. I did get very excited though and it was and is a painful thing for me. My family and my friends are great and very supportive of me and my job is great and i am finacially secure. I am very lucky that me and my ex do get along well and to have such a strong family and great friends. I got married at 19 because i was pregnant and i thought it was the right thing to do and i really did try to make my marriage work but now that it is over i am hopeful to fall in love and have what anyone wants which is a good loving lasting relationship. I guess since i have not dated since highschool this just all seems hard to me and i am over analysing things. I really am ok though and like i said i have had counseling and i have done well with being able to accept things that have been hard in my life, that doesn't mean that i don't still hurt because of course i do and trust me i do think counseling is a good thing.
You also have to know that even though the divorce is fresh i wanted this divorce and only went through with it when i knew i was 100 percent ok with ending that so i am really ok about the divorce, even happy about it really. Oh and i should clear something else up the guy that i went out with before this guy, that didn't last long and we never had sex. Wow this is a long post but i was just trying to explain or answer your questions. Thank you for the advice and the more i read everyones post the more i think maybe i am going way to fast right now?
oh yeah and i should answer your question about outside interest or hobbies, yes i do and i stay pretty busy with things. I am one of those people who is always got some project going on usually with my son who is just the light of my life! And i have always had a tendency to worry about others before myself and shouldn't always do that to the point i do. I have always been one to want to please everyone and smile even when i don't want to but i have the best friends in the world who will let me vent when i want and thats a good thing. My best friend knows this guy i have been asking about and has known him a very long time and she just thinks i am thinking way too much about it and that he is a good guy.
Thanks for the Welcome
Thanks JPB for the welcome remarks...
You are right, we are a couple, happily married for over 20 years, with three kids....
We find the topic on Relationships & Marriage relevant to our time...
Reb24 wrote:i have not but if we do go out again i will make sure that sex is not on the table for that date...
Yeah, that's a good way to get banned from a restaurant.
"Yeah, that's a good way to get banned from a restaurant"
that made me smile...lol...
ok well he has called a couple of times and said some really sweet things but we have not had a date cause he has been too busy which he really has with work and his daughter but i think i am gonna let this go and just take some time. i do question his level of interest still so i will just let it go and what is meant to be will happen
