Your opinion? should i hold a grudge.

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I havn't posted here in a while. I started posting after the love of my life (or so i thought) dumped me and i was crushed. Well it's been one year since any contact with her and i thought i was over her.

Then poof, Myspace.com happened. I figured why not? i thought I was ready to talk to her again.

Then i figured out that before i found her on myspace, she found one of my best friends on that site. I remember about 2 months back, my friend asked me if i was over her. And i said that i was and that i wished the best for her and no hard feelings (wich is the truth). It was the truth about my wishes for her, but maybe i wasn't 100% over her.

While me and my ex are catching up, she mentions that she was glad my friend was there for her after she broke up with her boyfriend (wich was the dude she dumped me for). This really surprized me because i didn't know they had any type of relationship other than being aquaitences. Apparently i found out that they actually had been hooking up without me knowing.

Now since my friend asked me if i was over her and i said "yes" i don't think he thought it was a big deal. But my ex girl probably knew it might sting a little. She really knew i was crushed by her dumping me when it all happened a year ago.

I know you can't really tell people who they should/shouln't see. And they really don't need my permission, but i'm really finding this ucomfortable. Shouldn't my ex of known that this may cause stress between two friends.

My question: Do i have a right to be kind of pissed. Or am i being a baby about the whole situation? advice anybody?

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I think you have the right to feel uncomfortable about the situation, but really it is not something that should concern you in the least. You had already broken up, so it's not as though she was cheating on you, and if you had a significant other in your life, this probably would not bother you in the least.

Obviously life went on for her while you were doing okay until you found out she was interested in your best friend.

You need to move on, chalk it up to experience and most importantly remember "you can never go back"!

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I forgot to mention that my ex want's to be friends. I'm just saying , messing around with my friend i don't think was the best way to start out just as friends the 2nd time around.

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Tenoch,

It is natural for you to feel uncomfortable about the situation. However it is also unreasonable to expect your friends to simply not date your exes (sp?) out of respect for you, unfortunately it just doesn't work that way. So you've just got to live with it, if your friend is attracted you cant blame him, most likely she'll dump him soon enough anyway. I know you feel like she's special to you, but she's not. She doesn't see the goodness in you.

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Tenoch--

Welcome back to A2K.

Quote:

forgot to mention that my ex want's to be friends. I'm just saying , messing around with my friend i don't think was the best way to start out just as friends the 2nd time around.

Bite the bullet. You're being a bit unreasonable here.

You are a complete person with needs and feelings and a life of your own. So are your Ex and your friend. Your Ex didn't break up with you and then move into some kind of cold storage until you were over your pain.

You've been growing and changing and having new experiences--and so has she. One of the changes was her relationship with your friend. Other people have the same necessity to grow and change as you do.

Good luck.

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I guess i am just being a pussy. of all the people to mess around with, it just seems like she had to go out of her way to mess around with my friends.

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Re: Your opinion? should i hold a grudge.
I feel sort of inbetween on this. Assuming your friend talked with you first, I don't think you should be pissed at him at all. And perhaps not even if he didn't talk to you first, as he knew you'd broken up.

I see your point that she knew you were crushed and then connected to your good friend, although being angry about it is a bit fruitless. I agree with everyone else's point that people have a right to move on in life. But I think you aren't silly for feeling a bit hurt, even though it was over between you.

People often don't become continuing friends with exes, though sometimes they do - it's not something you have to do. You can be friendly, but not go so far as being best pal types. Or your feelings may change as time passes, you really do get over her, and you might like to be friends. Or... you may really want to get back with her and use myspace to do it, in which case things get confusing between you and your friend.

So, while I understand your feelings, I'd also say move on.

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I've always had strong opinions about this kind of thing, believing that friend and family exes are off-limits, for all time. There are just too many other people on the planet to get involved with outside of a friend's ex-girlfriend or a sister's ex-husband.

I do feel that out of simple respect for you, these two should have kept their hands off of one another.

If I were in your shoes, I'd move on alright and have nothing to do with either of them ever again. They aren't your friends.

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I agree with eoe, I would quit the friendship with both.

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Tenoch--

Quote:

I guess i am just being a pussy. of all the people to mess around with, it just seems like she had to go out of her way to mess around with my friends.

I don't know how old you and your Ex and your friend are. I don't know how large your world is. A bachelor in a big city has a wider circle of friends and acquaintances than a bachelor attending a medium sized suburban high school.

I doubt that your Ex and your friend set out to hurt your feelings. Your friend did ask you, "Are you over her?" Last year your break up was an enormously important part of your life. This year that bad memory should be overlaid with other memories, good and bad.

What's done is done. Move on.

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Oh, and welcome back to a2k. I remember seeing your name last year, if not your exact posts (reminds me of Tenochtitlan..)

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Noddy24 wrote:

Tenoch--

Quote:
I guess i am just being a pussy. of all the people to mess around with, it just seems like she had to go out of her way to mess around with my friends.

I don't know how old you and your Ex and your friend are. I don't know how large your world is. A bachelor in a big city has a wider circle of friends and acquaintances than a bachelor attending a medium sized suburban high school.

I doubt that your Ex and your friend set out to hurt your feelings. Your friend did ask you, "Are you over her?" Last year your break up was an enormously important part of your life. This year that bad memory should be overlaid with other memories, good and bad.

What's done is done. Move on.

I live in the bay area where there there are TONS of people to mess around with. Me and my circle of friends are spread out a large geographical area of the tri city area (san fran, san jose, oakland). I'm 26 and still have the same circle of friends since high school. It's gotten tighter now since college is over for all of us. And there has always been plenty of girls to go around where me and my friends never have shared a girl.

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Here is my last myspace message to her.

-------------------------------

It's not that i don't want to be your friend. It's just that I don't know how to. I've never been "just friends" with a girl that i dated. I don't think you're a bad person. And i think that I am just being a baby. So i'll apologize myself for thinking I could try being your friend again. It was just to early to try. Maybe one day when i'm 100% over you it may be possible, and hopefully it won't be too late whenever that may be.

I think finding out that you messed around with one of my best friends was a real test of whether or not i was over you. i totally failed that test. I'm sorry for that. But i can't control how I feel.

Bye bye again,

--%Tenoch%

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Tenoch--

Your MySpace post sounded as though you were moving on. Good.

Hold your dominion.

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Re: Your opinion? should i hold a grudge.

Tenoch wrote:

I havn't posted here in a while. I started posting after the love of my life (or so i thought) dumped me and i was crushed. Well it's been one year since any contact with her and i thought i was over her.

Then poof, Myspace.com happened. I figured why not? i thought I was ready to talk to her again.

Then i figured out that before i found her on myspace, she found one of my best friends on that site. I remember about 2 months back, my friend asked me if i was over her. And i said that i was and that i wished the best for her and no hard feelings (wich is the truth). It was the truth about my wishes for her, but maybe i wasn't 100% over her.

While me and my ex are catching up, she mentions that she was glad my friend was there for her after she broke up with her boyfriend (wich was the dude she dumped me for). This really surprized me because i didn't know they had any type of relationship other than being aquaitences. Apparently i found out that they actually had been hooking up without me knowing.

Now since my friend asked me if i was over her and i said "yes" i don't think he thought it was a big deal. But my ex girl probably knew it might sting a little. She really knew i was crushed by her dumping me when it all happened a year ago.

I know you can't really tell people who they should/shouln't see. And they really don't need my permission, but i'm really finding this ucomfortable. Shouldn't my ex of known that this may cause stress between two friends.

My question: Do i have a right to be kind of pissed. Or am i being a baby about the whole situation? advice anybody?

Sure you have a right to be pissed. You obviously cared about her. I don't suggest holding a grudge though. Honestly speaking here, when you hold a grudge you aren't really hurting the person you would like to be. You are only hurting yourself.

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Absolutely. Holding a grudge is never good. And beating yourself up, "feeling like a baby", for being hurt and feeling betrayed is senseless as well. Hope you're not wasting time doing that.

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If she was posting here for advice, what would you guys tell her? If there was nothing wrong with her actions, then why the secrecy for two months. If i asked my friend two months ago, "you wanna hit a bar up tonigh?" do you think he would of responded with, "no i can't, i'm going out with your ex-girlfriend tonight?" or do you think he would of lied? Why not tell me if I had already told them that I was over her?

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It's not about holding a grudge. You cannot expect him to simply disable his emotions and act as if nothing had happened because that's out of his power for now.

Considering that your ex dumped you, she probably does not really care too much if she loses you as a friend because she already got sick of you. She would not come on here asking for advice because she was already capable of making the decision to risk her residual friendship with you to see your friend. That was her conscious decision and she certainly knew this would make you uncomfortable.

Your friend does not want to hurt you but if he is attracted to a girl, who you have no claim to, out of friendship you should not want to deprive him of the happiness he might get out of dating her. Did you think of that? Instead you were only thinking about how it affected you.

I think your guy friend did what most guys would have done, and if you hold it against him you'll be losing him as a friend because of a situational incident...while continue to being friends with other people who would also have done the same thing in that situation most likely.

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I pretty much agree with stuh on all that except that I understand re your not putting your friend's well being first.

I understand your emotions, don't think you need to cultivate the ex as a friend, don't think you should lose the guy friend, though I get what you are saying about why didn't he just say he was seeing her after you had said you were over her. Still, people tend to be confrontation-avoidant, which is icky in general but that's is fairly common behavior, and he did at least talk to you about it in the first place. I think the reason he didn't say he was seeing her is both the possibility of confrontation mixed with not wanting to open an old wound.

You could probably talk to him about this stuff straight. I dunno, no advice there, I'm a woman who, now older, has learned to be more straightforward over the years.

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I started talking to my ex thinking i could always control my level of involvement with her. If it was too much, then i could just walk away from it again. Now that she basically is dating one of my best friends, it's impossible for me to do that without walking away from him too.

Some of you might think my friend maybe was just an aquaintance, but it's a really close friend. I'm talking he is one of five. If you ask any one of us to name our group of friends, we'll each name the same 5 only. Perhaps sooon to be down to 4 for me after this incident.

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Your opinion? should i hold a grudge.

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