Birthday parties close together

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My daughter and niece have birthdays just a couple of days apart. In the past to be fair, we have planned that my niece (as her birthday comes first) is that she has her birthday the weekend before and my daughter the weekend after.

This year, my daughter's birthday falls on the weekend so we began planning the party (invitations not sent yet) on her actual birth date. I hear last night that my sister in law is planning her daughter's birthday on this same day! As she works in retail, she needs to put in for specific days off so she went ahead and put in for this day off. Should I be angry?

I decided to call my brother. I thought how can I handle this? I decided to be firm. I told him we planned for my daughter's birthday on the 30th as this is her birthday. I heard that they were thinking of having his child's birthday that same day. His response - I don't know. (Typical for him in that he lets his wife decide everything and he simply follows). I told him he better find out soon as it would be a disaster if we had birthday parties on the same day.

Should I stand my ground? Now, if they had approached me first and said this is the only day mom could get off for the party, I would be accommodating. But I am angry they never even considered my daughter's feelings in this. I also don't want my niece to suffer because of rude parents.

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Re: Birthday parties close together

Linkat wrote:

I told him he better find out soon as it would be a disaster if we had birthday parties on the same day.

Why?

Can you have a kid-party and a family party?

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To me birthday parties are special for the individual - we always celebrate that way.

However, I would be willing to compromise. It is not that which makes me angry - it is the fact that they never considered us or my daugther - they just went ahead and said this is what we are going to do.

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I understand that parties are for one person at a time -- that's not really what I meant. I was asking, first, how much overlap there was likely to be. From what you've said so far it sounds like it would be a lot of your daughter's school friends at the party -- then your brother's family, and your parents?

Why not have the party for your daughter with school friends etc., and then have some other family party -- it can still be for your daughter, but on a different day.

Or, what TIME of day are the two parties? Can people go from one to the other?

Not really getting the "disaster" part, is all.

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As I said - I can work around the "party" thing - my concern is there lack of communication with us. As you might imagine this is typical of them - they just assume everyone will work around what works best for them.

In my brother getting back to me - he said that his wife doesn't even know if she can get that day off. I did give him a lecture about the fact that it would be appreciated if they could communicate this to us. We are willing to work around his wife's schedule if necessary, but it would be nice to be asked.

I would not want to have two parties - too much work for us and I am sure the same for my brother and his family - I simply want to be informed to have our family in consideration. There would be about 80% overlap as it is mostly close family that attends these parties - grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. The additional friends would be a small amount (about 4 each) - my daughter does not attend school yet. We also live far enough apart that it would be hard to have two parties in the same day - we even in the past plan for different weekends to avoid party overload.

Of course I over exaggerated on the disaster part, but if you knew my brother - you would understand the need to - he would not do anything if you didn't push him.

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Linkat--

Quote:

...my concern is there lack of communication with us. As you might imagine this is typical of them - they just assume everyone will work around what works best for them.

I'm an outsider, but I've spent a number of years around some very selfish and self centered people.

I doubt that your sister-in-law (Men generally don't organize birthday parties) simply didn't think about your daughter's birthday at all.

Is she likely to change? Probably not.

Is your brother likely to divorce her and marry a more accommodating woman? Probably not.

Is this the end of the world? Probably not, although I'm guessing that One More Straw from your sister-in-law and the camel will come out swinging.

Get your brother out of the middle. Even if he's good looking enough to be a Matinee Idol or a Lawn Ornament, he doesn't have the clout in his house to be part of the solution. He's just one more obstacle to clear communication.

I gather you assumed your niece's birthday party would be held the week before your daughter's?

Knowing your sister-in-law's talent for independent action, you assumed?

She sounds like a damn fool--and if you don't take her Damned Fool status into account when you're planning a family event, you're a Damned Fool too.

Salvage what you can of this year. Compromise if you must. Get the ground rules--Her kid, the weekend before. Your kid, the weekend after--set in stone for the next few years.

Your daughter is young enough that the actual birthday date won't be particularly sacred. She's loved enough that having an Unbirthday Birthday is not going to make her miserable.

Smile, smile, smile.

Hold your dominion.

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You got it Noddy. My brother is even more so than you describe. He simply follows. I guess part of my complaint is his lack of backbone too. The reason I spoke to my brother is simply because he is my brother - I have a relationship with him and not really with her. To be honest, I get along fine with her, but will never be friends with her - we are too different. Fortunately I am usually an accommodating person, but will not be stepped on. Also, because of the way she is - if I were to say something directly to her, I am afraid it would become a fight and I am trying to hold back and not cause a stir, but to also let our concerns be known.

Actually I didn't assume, that is why I told my mom (as she talks with all of us daily), that we were planning my daughter's party on her birthday as it falls on a Saturday and she can let my brother/sister-in-law know ahead so they can plan. We even discussed themes, etc.

I will compromise. I already told my brother so - however, I also told him that if they need to consider others in their plans. I told him how he would feel if I simply sent out invitations next year for my daughter to have her birthday on his daughter's birthday. We had set the ground rules - when my daughter's first birthday came up - we agreed that their daughter's birthday would have to be the weekend before and mine the weekend after each year.

I am not worried really about my daughter, as I said I am angry about their total disregard for others. This is as much a venting for me as I will still plan and have a great party for her. I also have to calm down because I would hate for my anger to affect my niece. I would not want to cause her any party grief because her parents are inconsiderate. But now I know why my sister-in-law didn't have any friends to serve as bridesmaids in their wedding.

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Quote:

...now I know why my sister-in-law didn't have any friends to serve as bridesmaids in their wedding.

Age brings wisdom.

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Noddy24 wrote:

Quote:
...now I know why my sister-in-law didn't have any friends to serve as bridesmaids in their wedding.

Age brings wisdom.

That, and death...

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I say offer to help sister in law plan the party for niece. Once you get ahold of the guest list, call all the guests and explain the location has been changed to your place at your designated time. Then instruct your daughter to pretend to be your niece.

The family fun and the therapy bills will last a lifetime.

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Re: Birthday parties close together

Linkat wrote:

My daughter and niece have birthdays just a couple of days apart. In the past to be fair, we have planned that my niece (as her birthday comes first) is that she has her birthday the weekend before and my daughter the weekend after.

This year, my daughter's birthday falls on the weekend so we began planning the party (invitations not sent yet) on her actual birth date. I hear last night that my sister in law is planning her daughter's birthday on this same day! As she works in retail, she needs to put in for specific days off so she went ahead and put in for this day off. Should I be angry?

I decided to call my brother. I thought how can I handle this? I decided to be firm. I told him we planned for my daughter's birthday on the 30th as this is her birthday. I heard that they were thinking of having his child's birthday that same day. His response - I don't know. (Typical for him in that he lets his wife decide everything and he simply follows). I told him he better find out soon as it would be a disaster if we had birthday parties on the same day.

Should I stand my ground? Now, if they had approached me first and said this is the only day mom could get off for the party, I would be accommodating. But I am angry they never even considered my daughter's feelings in this. I also don't want my niece to suffer because of rude parents.

I'll probably get wacked on the head for saying this, but...

From what I read above, you've always done one birthday the weekend BEFORE the birthday, and the other one the weekend AFTER.

To me, it seems logical if the birthday falls on the day, it shouldn't make any difference at all....If you are the BEFORE party, you take the weekend BEFORE, 7 days before the actual birthday....If you are the AFTER party, you take the weekend AFTER, 7 days after the actual birthday.

Also, you're upset that your sister-in-law didn't tell you she was planning the party on that day.

Well linkat, you didn't tell HER you were planning the party on that day. If that is true, you didn't do any better job of communicating than she did.

As far as your brothers part in this, leave him out of it....He doesn't care what day it is. But, he has to sleep with his wife every night, not you.

okay, I'm prepared to be bludgeoned with a cudgel.

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I didn't want to be the first .... and a male ... to come out with such a response, but I totally agree with Chai.

As two of our godchildren have close birthdays as well (complecating here: one his a twin sister, where we "must" attend, too), we told everyone that we it's impossible to go anywhere if we are cut in halfs - so we follow a "traditonally set of dates".

For some reasons , this was changed this year: we are only going for half an hour on Saturday: they have accept it (and do).

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We are the after party. We are not changing anything from tradition. So it does fall with the logic we have been using as my niece's birthday occurs on Thursday - the before party would be the weekend before. The after party would be the following week.

We did tell her. As typical with any holiday, birthday, etc. my mom is the center of information. We let my mom know what we are planning and she relays to the group. She is the center as everyone has contact with her on an almost daily basis. We mentioned this prior to going on vacation.

I can talk with her directly and I would, but she is not easy to contact due to her job and she is not very open. I also don't know her very well. She doesn't usually attend any of my children's parties - my brother does and brings their children so she is actually much more removed other than planning what fits her schedule.

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Linkat wrote:

We are the after party. We are not changing anything from tradition. So it does fall with the logic we have been using as my niece's birthday occurs on Thursday - the before party would be the weekend before. The after party would be the following week.

We did tell her. As typical with any holiday, birthday, etc. my mom is the center of information. We let my mom know what we are planning and she relays to the group. She is the center as everyone has contact with her on an almost daily basis. We mentioned this prior to going on vacation.

I can talk with her directly and I would, but she is not easy to contact due to her job and she is not very open. I also don't know her very well. She doesn't usually attend any of my children's parties - my brother does and brings their children so she is actually much more removed other than planning what fits her schedule.

Well, neither of you should be having the party on that weekend day.....

your nieces birthday is a Thursday, so her party should have been 5 days before, the previous Saturday.

your daughters birthday is on a Saturday, so she should have her party 7 days after, the following Saturday.

How old are these kids? Is there some kind of special entertainment that you had to hire? Do friends and family have to travel long distances, like hours?

Does your daughter really care if the party is one Saturday or another?

I dunno, I guess I just wouldn't have a problem with saying "I'll do it next Saturday" Is there something that will go bad or get ruined or make a lot more work for you or something?

Since I don't know the ages of the kids, I'm wondering if they're getting to old for this to really matter one way or the other.

I'm not trying to sound flip, linkat, really. But how long was everyone planning on doing this birthday arrangement thing? Do they have this big party thing every year?

Maybe this is their way of trying to break this tradition and do their own thing?

That last sentence reminds me of something most people go through...the "Where do we go on Christmas/Thanksgiving thing"

You know, where everyone has to follow this tradition of going to, let's say, your parents house, even though you've had your own family for years, and would like to start traditions of your own.

Someones got to be the first one to say, "I'm doing xmas at MY house this year, or with some other relative" either way, they are the goat.

Is there a chance this is what your SIL is doing? She knows as well as you that the 2 of you don't get along, you know?

Anyway, I'm not saying that's what it is, just musing on family dynamics in general.

I just wouldn't give myself agita over it, I'd just do my party next weekend.

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Chai you are taking things too technically. There are two birthdays occurring a couple of days apart. The first birthday is always the weekend before the birthdays (nothing ever said about the number of days so not sure how you are calculating number of days) the other is the weekend after - very simple. No counting involved.

I don't bother with hiring entertainment; however, because our condo is so small, we reserve the clubhouse. And I did state it really isn't the date, etc. as not considering others - I also stated that I would be flexible if needed, but I need to know.

You may not be trying to be flip, however, you are making lots of assumptions about things. The party is not big and why does that matter? If I want to have a 100 people or 3 or if I want to hire a circus to entertain or simply have cake, it has nothing to do with that. As I said it a build up as my brother and his wife have a tendency to do things without regard to others. (And not just to us, but others). I don't think it is intentionally to be mean, but as my brother even said he didn't think about it. They don't think about others, but what fits in with their best interest. Again as I said it was more about me venting as I will concede and as the party details are not what is upsetting me, but a build up of other things.

I have no problem with changing things - but you need to tell the parties involved. She simply said I'm requesting that day off to for my daughter's birthday - after we said we were having our daughter's party that day. There was no communication of could you change the birthday as I can't get the weekend before off. Had that been said we simply would say o-k. And that is what I told my brother - simply to remember that other people are involved. We wouldn't want our niece to go without or put our family in a situation to decide which party to go to.

As far as holidays - once we changed our "tradition" for Easter. We had several members of our family visiting from across the country and thought it would be easier to have Easter dinner at our house under the circumstances. Since it was another family member that typically provided Easter dinner in our family, before we just went and said we would have Easter dinner, we called the particular family to see if they minded and if they would prefer to switch Thanksgiving with us.

Actually I never said I didn't get along with my SIL - I said I got along with her fine - we would never be best friends, just different sorts of people - nothing in common so I don't know her that well. There is also a significant age difference.

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So, the point is that you are really upset because these 2 people don't behave the way you think they should?

Would that be correct?

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Not behave - but be considerate of their family members.

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Is it not normal to be upset when some one takes advantage of you? Is it not normal to be upset when some one does what ever the h*ll they want without consideration of you or others you care about? They take and are unwilling to give? If these people are outside your family - you don't deal with them. However, within a family you don't have a choice. You see them getting your mom upset, take advantage of her, etc.

No you cannot change some one, but you can let them know when they are being an inconsiderate a$$hole. Nicely of course. And you can rant and rave on here to release some stress - like I did.

And thank you very much for your continued support.

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sorry Linkat....that's a really close call, if you want them to be considerate to someone, that's the same as saying you want them to think/act/behave in a way that's to your way of thinking.

You know you can't control if others are considerate. You can perhaps influence someone, but only if they want to be influenced.

So, you're upset because 2 people are not being considerate the way you want them to be.

You've letting them influence you, not the other way around. You may say that you are not, but you're the one still posting about this. It's probably a safe bet they are not even thinking about it at all.

In the big cosmic wheel of life, what does it mean that someone scheduled a party for a kid the same day you did? I ask myself stuff like that all the time.

Also, I find myself in such situations reminding myself to wear the world like a loose garment, touching in few places.

That helps.

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Actually Chai - we have resolved the issue. I easily get over such situations quickly - I like to vent rather than let it become a screaming fight with the person(s) actually involved.

You may not be meaning to, however, you are being very confrontational - almost as if you have some sort of strange need to be right in the matter - where it is not a right or wrong situation, but one in which I was upset and wanted moral support.

Some came and gave useful advice while being supportive (whether they agreed with me or not), while you are the other hand choice to be confrontational rather than be supportive. That also is your choice and I can't change you, however, I do have the choice to make myself known.

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Birthday parties close together

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