No, I think you're right about the cycle... and that resentment can fall away when the real communication happens.
But the cycle can also become one of abuse...
And I was just thinking I should shup up and listen on another thread...
Cycles and spirals....
Unless they are diverted by conversation, tragedy is possible.
Lucky Lad--
Do you think your wife is happy about her self image?
Well, it rained here. It is amazing how a rain can make you feel.
I've read the posts, they are all great and I appreciate them. Thank you.
I can't remember who said it, but the "ownership" thing kinda slapped me up side the head. I think that is the problem. Ownership and commitment. I felt differently about her than she did of me. I look at her as a "hottie" and a good person to be around. She looks at me as a "good" person to be around(I've got her fooled :wink: ). I don't think she ever thought of me as a "hottie". That hurts, I want to be the one that women want.......the Brad Pitt. Ego thing I guess. The mirror is the real problem. I'm a hottie to some, just not the one I want.
It does help when a woman strikes up a conversation at the groc. store and gives you her number. I don't wear a ring because too many guys have had fingers ripped off due to them, job related.
Crap, gotta go.
so, when a woman gives you her phone #, do you tell your wife about it?
I would bet not, because not only might this upset her, but maybe more important, it's a personal little ego stroke that you deserve to keep to yourself.
I just think that this is going to be toxic to the marriage if it doesn't get out.
Maybe my husband and I have a different type of relationship...I'd tell him if someone gave me his number.
I have nothing to hide.
Yea I'd tell my wife. If I didn't I'd be try'n to cover something up. THAT is when you know something fishy is going on. The way I see it is that if you don't plan on acting on something similar to that you would tell them. If you plan on acting on it then you wouldn't want them to know, so you don't tell them so you don't "mess" it up.
That is what probably happened to me, she wanted to act on it so I never knew about it. "What you don't know won't hurt you."
Yea there are things to keep to yourself, meaningless stuff. If you have a one-night-stand I don't know how you could call that meaningless. You've got plenty of time to stop what you are doing. Taking a phone number from another takes 5 seconds. Going home with someone else takes hours. Plenty of time to think about what it would do to someone you are "commited" to.
This "one last fling" bullshit I don't buy. I don't care if we weren't married. If I knew about it then, things WOULD be different now............you can bet your ass on that!
You can't be "close" to someone if you don't trust them. If I bring this up and it is true, then we will be just roomates. If it's false, and I've heard roomers about this kind of activity before, then we will never be as close as we could have been.
One last fling, can bring a lifetime of loneliness. If you do it once, you'll probably do it again. "Cycles". Why should I give my whole heart to her? To be embarrassed once again? Not gonna happen here.
I agree that her one last fling should have been before she committed anything to you. In my opinion, an engagement is the committment of "I love you and will forever". Engagements can be broken much easier than a marriage can be divorced but the intent should be for a deeper understanding of the person you are about to spend the rest of your life with. Not a chance for one last fling.
hmmm.. well, I'm just not suspictious of my husband. Wouldn't matter to me and I wouldn't really care if if told me some woman flirted with him.
Actually, I've seen women give him the eye when he's all dressed up, and it actually makes me feel glad he's still "got" it.
I do trust him, that's why I'm not worried. It's not hiding anything bella. It's just neither on of us in to playing games with each other, and having these long discussions over, "well, remember 5 years ago when you told me someone flirted with you when you were getting your oil changed? Well I've been pissed over that since, and now we have to talk about it for the next 5 hours"
At his daughters wedding, he and she danced to "their" song..."save the last dance for me"....you know, the one that says go out and dance with everyone and have fun, but save the last dance for me.
Lucky Lad, you're just looking for something to be pissed at her about. You sound really bitter, like she needs to be punished.
you say..."If you do it once, you'll probably do it again" What, are you afraid after 14 years she coming up on another temptation?
Also "why would I give my heart to her, just to be embarrassed again?"
God, you are just so full of self pity. Again, you're worried about someone embarrassing you twice in 14 years?
You really do want to own her, don't you?
You want to own the thoughts she has today, you want to own and make her pay and pay for something she most likely never even thinks of.
I guess it's true when they say jealously is a green eyed monster. You aren't going to be happy until you've completely wrecked everything you've ever had with her.
Something fishy going on....that's really funny, yes, she's been keeping this secret to herself for all these years, just waiting for the chance to reinact her crime.
I just keep going back to the thought that if you had never recieved that stupid email, you would never have become so upset over this, and been thinking your wife is great. Well, she is, she's exactly the same person she was if you never got that email. It's you with the problem.
If my husband ever asked me about something from before we were married, I'd look at him like he was crazy, and I'd expect him to do the same.
Lucky lad, you're so afraid you're going to loose what you've got, you're willing to throw it out just so you can say sour grapes.
It seems to boil down to, (a) if she ever did something sexual before she married you and didn't tell you, she's a slut or
(b) if she ever did something sexual before she married you and did tell you, she's a slut.
You're a piece of work, you know that?
I am not batting for luckylad to own his wife. Or never trust her again. Or call her a slut.
I am just saying that if he doesn't know, he is going to run this through his head until he does ruin his marriage...and he doesn't even know she did it.
It's best, imo, to find out, get over it and move on.
Lucky Lad--
She chose to marry you, didn't she? This indicates a certain amount of love for you on her part.
You realize, don't you, that this is All About You and she's only a footnote?
**** fire, Tea! I really got you hot now, don't I?
Don't get all worked up. I'm not too worried about all this. Since I found out she has not asked me if something was wrong. For some reason I'm just not that mad. Probably 'cause I don't know the guy.
Noddy, everything you just said is right on. I am a selfish sob. I am glad I'm on this site. If I didn't have you guys to slap the **** outta me I might have brought it up to her, then where would I be?
I do want to thank you guys. Tea, hope I didn't blow your top.
The one thing I do believe is that this "one last fling" stuff is crap. If you feel like you need one of those, you shouldn't be getting married.
You guys have been great, just remember I'm sitt'n here with a smile and not steam comming outta my ears.
And I hope you have a smile too.
LuckyLad--
I'm guessing that you haven't been able to talk about yourself to an interested and listening audience for many, many moons.
I'll allow you "low self esteem" if you'll admit that you might have an itty-bitty problem talking openly and honestly about yourself when your face-to-face with someone.
Actually, Noddy, I talk about my self and about the others I'm around quite a bit. The problem is that the only response I usually get is "mooo". I usually go to bed when kids go to bed and wife stays up till late. I'm a morning person, she is a night person. I usually don't have anything that interesting to talk to her about. She does the talk'n. Why would she care about what I do outside?
When I'm around my parents, its about business. Around the in-laws, I usually don't say much. A little joke/jab here and there every once in a while. Nothing mean.
Also with the net, you can open up. It is easier. Plus you don't show where you are vulnerable to someone you really know. The weak spots are where they will stick the knife in, and most likley its in your back.
Noddy, you brought up a very good point. You can read between the lines pretty darn good. I'm glad I didn't piss you off too bad in another thread. Thank you for being here.
Well...I LIKE fighting with you Lucky Lad, you're not gonna get all pissy with me, you just come right back.
I guess you could do with some good arguments, since you're stuck with a bunch of hot smelly cows all day.
LuckyLad--
Not to worry. I tried to explain myself in that earlier thread and encountered problems with A2k or with my server.
Since I was pre-occupied with some medical details, I left you to your own devices.
Fragile egos shouldn't participate in on line discussion and expect to be catered to.
