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What do I do?

Forums: Relationships
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Got an email from a friend from college. This email was sent to him by someone else. Sounds like my fiancee, now wife, had some fun when I wasn't around. She slept with another guy. This was 13-14 yrs ago, I'm finding out now. Do I bring it up? Shouldn't I be pissed off? Just another blow to my already low self-esteem.

If true, I plan on talk'n to a lawyer. Not divorce but have something written up that states that if I or her wish to ever have a divorce I GET EVERYTHING. Kids, her clothes, house, car...........EVERYTHING. If she won't sign it I drop her like a bad habit.

If false, am I damaging our marriage? How much so?

If I kick her out, she will have nothing. She never has, I've provided EVERYTHING since college. With one exception, the kids. She has raised them very well. Taking their mom from them would be devistating.

Should I bring this up to her? Or drop it and figure it's a pain I can overcome. I just don't know if there is enough beer to ease this pain. I sure know how to pick'em. I should join the "he-man, woman haters club".

FYI, I have NEVER cheated on her or any woman I have ever dated. This was/is not a "payback".

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Re: What do I do?

LuckyLad wrote:

Got an email from a friend from college. This email was sent to him by someone else. Sounds like my fiancee, now wife, had some fun when I wasn't around.

"Sounds like". No evidence, just gossip.

LuckyLad wrote:

Shouldn't I be pissed off? Just another blow to my already low self-esteem.

Yes, and yes.

LuckyLad wrote:

If true, I plan on talk'n to a lawyer. Not divorce but have something written up that states that if I or her wish to ever have a divorce I GET EVERYTHING. Kids, her clothes, house, car...........EVERYTHING. If she won't sign it I drop her like a bad habit.

Now, that's stupid. A war that would ruin your life... your wallet (never trust lawyers) and would be another blow to your admittedly very low, and falling, self-esteem

LuckyLad wrote:

If false, am I damaging our marriage? How much so?

Depends on how you raise the matter. If you do it in a menacing way, you will damage it a lot. But you don't seem to care at the moment.

LuckyLad wrote:

If I kick her out, she will have nothing. She never has, I've provided EVERYTHING since college. With one exception, the kids. She has raised them very well. Taking their mom from them would be devistating.

Big deal about the kids. Your pride comes first, doesn't it?
And who says they won't be taken away from their dad, in such a war?

LuckyLad wrote:

Should I bring this up to her? Or drop it and figure it's a pain I can overcome. I just don't know if there is enough beer to ease this pain.

It's obvious you can't overcome it NOW.

It's also obvious beer is only a mild analgesic, and then you get the hangover.

LuckyLad wrote:

This was/is not a "payback".

No. But you plan on making her pay dearly.

The bottom line, man, is: Do you love her?
Answer that question sincerely and act only afterwards.

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Now, I just stumbled on this, and before I say anything else, I wanna assure you I'm no warm/caring/sensitive-type relationship expert - no sorta relationship expert at all, ya get right down to it. Dunno how I even found your post; this ain't a forum I frequent - I musta misclicked on my way to somewhere else Embarrassed

Embarrassed

Anyhow - you say this happened 13-14 years ago. You indicate self-esteem ain't exactly your strong suite. On that info, I'm gonna guess it wouldn't take much effort on your part to come up with something from your own similarly distant past you'd prefer she not know about, and she not mention even if she knew about it. I'd say call it even, forget about it, and get on with life.

Live in the past, or live for the future; life pretty much takes you where you point it.

And never forget free advice sometimes isn't worth what you paid for it.

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She slept with someone when you were engaged about fourteen years ago?

This is it that you're agonizing over?

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Re: What do I do?

LuckyLad wrote:

Got an email from a friend from college. This email was sent to him by someone else. Sounds like my fiancee, now wife, had some fun when I wasn't around. She slept with another guy. This was 13-14 yrs ago, I'm finding out now. Do I bring it up? Shouldn't I be pissed off? Just another blow to my already low self-esteem.

If true, I plan on talk'n to a lawyer. Not divorce but have something written up that states that if I or her wish to ever have a divorce I GET EVERYTHING. Kids, her clothes, house, car...........EVERYTHING. If she won't sign it I drop her like a bad habit.

If false, am I damaging our marriage? How much so?

If I kick her out, she will have nothing. She never has, I've provided EVERYTHING since college. With one exception, the kids. She has raised them very well. Taking their mom from them would be devistating.

Should I bring this up to her? Or drop it and figure it's a pain I can overcome. I just don't know if there is enough beer to ease this pain. I sure know how to pick'em. I should join the "he-man, woman haters club".

FYI, I have NEVER cheated on her or any woman I have ever dated. This was/is not a "payback".

LL I don't understand this at all.

Like someone else said....This is not proof she did any such thing. It's an email of an email. In addition, I wouldn't consider the person who sent me an email like this any kind of friend....he/she sounds like a pot stirrer.

Jesus, I could send the spouse of every person I know an email saying...hey, you know what? Before you got married, your husband/wife had the nerve to have sex with someone else. OK, you say you were engaged at the time, but still, maybe one last fling....that is water SO under the bridge.

Why would you see a lawyer about drawing something up that if you ever divorce you get everything, including the kids she gave birth to? That makes NO sense. To be blunt, the the hell does THAT have to do with anything? And the thing that you'll drop her if she doesn't sign something ridiculous like this? Why?

What is this? You going to "punish" her 14 years after something may or may not have happened while you weren't even married by taking away her children and all the things the 2 of you worked for together? So what if she never worked outside the home, she raised your kids and did millions of things you don't even know about. The fact that you say she did nothing besides raise two kids is total bull.

If I were in your shoes, I would've told this "friend" from college to mind his own damn business. Nor would I even bring this up to her....Finally, this isn't some kind of "pain" for you to overcome.

If anything did happen, it was in another life. Get over it.

The fact you tell us you never cheated on someone while you were dating?
So what? Do you think everyone is supposed to be like you? Surprise surprise, they're not. It's like you want a medal or something, and this person you married isn't living up to your standards.

Hey, what if you never got this email from your jerk friend? Why, it might have been just horrible, you and your wife might have had another 40 years of happy marriage, and the fact she did or did not sleep with someone WHILE NOT MARRIED TO YOU, would still be the same. Jesus Christ, it's a good thing that doofus emailed you and saved you from that fate.

Is this a hill you really want to die on?

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Go take a long drive and let out a few primal screams, fella. Then, once you've calmed down, come back and we'll talk rationally about this. You're so mad, you're not even making sense.

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Be mad at the so-called "friend" who thought this was something you needed to know. (And you don't even know if it's true.) Like Eva said, wear off some steam before you do something stupid. I don't know about driving though -- you might hurt somebody. How about a long walk, some exhausting yard work? We stay-at-home Mom's always feel better after cleaning a couple of toilets or ironing. Do whatever it takes to wear yourself out before you put 14 years of marriage in jeopardy.

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Yeah, find something to work off some energy - screaming is good.
Blinding drunk - not so good.
Steering clear of the wife til you feel a little calmer - good.

This is just a friendly suggestion, I don't know really, but - maybe you need a hand or to work out a few things once you've got this out of your system?
Sounds like you work an awful lot. Maybe it's getting a bit much on you.
(waiting for the onslaught) :wink:

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Yep, I was a little mad at first. This morn I really don't give a **** anymore. It's embarrassing, but so are my damn white legs that haven't seen the sun for years. Knew you guys would rip me, and that is what I needed/wanted in some way. May not even be true, just don't want to be the "butt" of everyones jokes.

Gotta go, gotta a guy already late for work......every f'n weekend.

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See, I knew that's what you needed. A bunch of people telling you what for.

And I just the gal to do it. :wink:

Oh, and you're not going to be the butt of anyones jokes. Remember, it was way long ago, and everyone is too concerned about things that happened to themselves.

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WTF? I am unclear on the timing of this all. Were you engaged, married, dating, what, when this supposed incident happened?

I think you need to confront her about this email, regardless of when it happened. Not in a accusatory way, but just to get the truth. If it happened so long ago and you weren't serious yet, you gotta get over it. If it happened while you were serious, you need the closure to decide if you want to continue this relationship. A betrayal is a betrayal but you don't even know IF it happened.

Talk to her. If she gets pissed at you for asking, she'll just have to get over it. If it was before you, it shouldn't bother her. If it was with you, you have a right to know.

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Lucky Lad--

Were you drinking when the e mail arrived? When you decided to see a lawyer?

Identifying "low self esteem" is only the first step in solving the problem--and the bottle is not a viable solution.

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I'm back for a little bit, lotta q's to answer.

C.Tea........wheres my medal? :wink: Laughing

Laughing

Bella.......I don't know for sure, but it was probably when we were engaged. Don't know if it matters anymore.......you know "till death due us part".

Noddy....no I wasn't drink'n and no I haven't seen a lawyer. I was just mad and wanted to get even. That part I'd never do. And no I don't drink from a bottle, mostly from a can :wink: .

Most likely I'll bring it up, she'll say she didn't, and the sun will still come up in the east (or the right side for you who don't know direction :wink: )

If she did do it, well.........she'll probably kiss my ass for a month and life goes on. I just need to raise the kids and "bring home the bacon".

I don't really give a **** anymore, it's hot, dry, crops are dead, grass is gone and cattle are die'n. I've got more important **** to deal with right now. And to top it off the help is puss'n out before noon. Sick my ass! Nobody wants to work anymore, can't wait till he asks for a raise. After I pull my boot out'a his ass I'm gonna kick it all the way back to town! Icing on the m.f'n cake!

Back from the rage. It boils down to this, if she didn't do it then great. If she did.............I don't know. Probably just rub it off and suck it up.

Gotta go. Done with my drink, and yes it was a beer. Gonna take one with me too.

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I gotta say, respectfully, I disagree with you bella.

no way would I "confront" my husband with any of this.

I've never been one to stick my head in the sand, but jiminy cricket, this was something that happened 14 YEARS ago before they were even MARRIED.

She hadn't taken the "till dieath do you part" vow yet.

Yes, they were engaged to be married, but it stands they were not married.

You know, it's not necessary to share every damn thing. Especially when it all doesn't add to a hill of beans.

I would never think to question my husband on ANYTHING before we said "I Do"

Sure, in conversation things from both our pasts have come up, some stuff that made me internally raise my eyebrows or furrow my brow. But I'm the one that has gotten into bed with him at night for the last 14 years.

Sometimes, for the sake of love, it's just best to let sleeping dogs lie, especially when that dog is really dead more than asleep.

Oh - one final thing...I firmly believe that every person needs to keep a little something to themselves.

Everyone needs a delicious little secret known only to them. Doesn't have to be about sex, just something that is so special, they don't want to ruin the warm feeling by sharing with anyone.

It's that piece of perfect choclate cake that's only for you.

Let your wife have her memory. If she never brought it up in all this time, and has been your wife, it because it belongs to her, not you.

You don't own her past, you don't own her memories.

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OH

ever since I first read your post LL...This song from Glen Campbell has been running through my head. I'm sure you're familiar with it.

Are you gonna take this from her? Or let her have her memories?

Artist/Band: Campbell Glen
Lyrics for Song: Dreams of an Everyday Housewife
Lyrics for Album: All the Best

She looks in the mirror and stares at the wrinkles that weren't there yesterday
And thinks of the young man that she almost married
What would he think if he saw her this way?

She picks up her apron in little girl-fashion as something comes into her mind
Slowly starts dancing rememb'ring her girlhood
And all of the boys she had waiting in line

Oh, such are the dreams of the everyday housewife
You see ev'rywhere any time of the day
An everyday housewife who gave up the good life for me

The photograph album she takes from the closet and slowly turns the page
And carefully picks up the crumbling flower
The first one he gave her now withered today

She closes her eyes and touches the house dress that suddenly disappears
And just for the moment she's wearing the gown
That broke all their minds back so many years

Oh, such are the dreams of the everyday housewife
You see ev'rywhere any time of the day
An everyday housewife who gave up the good life for me

Oh, such are the dreams of the everyday housewife
You see ev'rywhere any time of the day
An everyday housewife who gave up the good life for me

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Further, you don't own her.

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I'm afraid I have to disagree with you too, Bella.

This is a sleeping dog if I've ever seen one.

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Chai, i'm sure you didn't mean it to be, but that song is kinda depressing. Laughing

Laughing

I don't know, I'm kinda with Bella on this one. To just say it, get it out , move on. Just ask. Listen. Don't 'suck it up' or suck it down into a festing little ulcer. I just picture something trivial down the road, and this thing still stuck down deep inside you, pushing that trivial thing to a Big thing.

It's really not a big deal, but it maybe it'd get more communo going between you and the wife.

Maybe i'm idealistic - never been married - but if ya can't share feelings openly with your spouse, er, what's the point? Won't that end up being bad later on...trouble a brewing silently?

shrug. no expert, just talking....

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Where I'm coming from is that from the threads of Lucky Lad that I've read, I pick up a mix of a kind of despair that his wife doesn't love him enough, is not attracted enough, mixed with a kind of macho need to own her, possess her, control her, punish her, show her. Do I remember an earlier thread where you said, LL, that she may not have been a virgin when you married?

I do think that a workin' marriage is one where both people show care and respect for each other and that the love grows from that, abides in that. For many of us that means one doesn't fool around. But even then, you don't possess each other, own each other, you aren't paying for ownership with all your work, LuckyLad. Or she own you, with all her unsalaried work in raising the children. You come together voluntarily in continuing love as two separate people.

I'm not saying she is perfect, I have no idea. It's this ownership sense - at the same time there is all this insecurity - that really throws me off. I think real communication would be a good thing, and that starting out on communicating with "were you a virgin or not fourteen years ago" is not the right track.

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Quote:

I think real communication would be a good thing, and that starting out on communicating with "were you a virgin or not fourteen years ago" is not the right track.

Laughing

I totally agree with that.

Actually osso, I agree with that entire post of yours. Just going from my vibes of LL's threads, I think the ownership thing goes hand in hand with the insecurity, which goes hand in hand with keeping feelings to oneself all the time, and it all reinforces each other. I kinda relate to that.

Only way i can see out of it is to break the cycle somehow..injecting healthy elements in there that can spread to the other layers. Just speaking from my own experience here - a lot of the ownership/ wanting to know about stuff way back when, fades out once the REAL feelings start flowing out. It's just surface stuff.

Anyways, i don't have the answers. Really should stop rattling off in an Advice thread! (ok, noted to self to stop now) Smile

Smile

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