Got one for ya, lettin' go!

This will sound conceded, but I think she married me because I'm nice, hard working, and had a business going before we got married. I don't think she was ever physicaly attracted to me. I look different than any other guy she has EVER dated. She seamed to like green/blue eyes, blonde hair, tall and skinny, and dressed nice. I'm shorter, more muscular, brown eyes/hair, and don't dress "fancy".

So many times I've thought that when the kids are outta the house, she will be too. Kicked out by me or herself.

pathetic, I know.

LuckyLad--

From some of your earlier posts, I have a notion of how hard it was for you to open up about your doubts of your attractiveness to your wife.

The high school fling is in the past. It can't be undone. It can't be erased. You can't control your wife's memories of the event, whether the remembers this guy with lust or with shame.

Factually speaking, your personal past is an enormous place and there must be at least a few memories that are pleasant. You might ask yourself why when you visit Times Gone By you choose to dwell on unhappy memories.

Do you feel you don't deserve happiness?

As for the future--don't you have enough troubles in the past and the present to stop borrowing trouble by worrying about trouble that hasn't happened yet?

You're good at handling animals. You can learn to handle troubling thoughts with the same skill.

Noddy, you always seem to know just what to say. Lovely post, as always.

I really can't add anything to what Noddy has already said, just want to let Lucky Lad know I'm listening with sympathy.

Can you talk to her about any of this, LL?

Cyphercat--

Thanks for the kind words.

Lucky Lad--

Cyphercat has a good point about just talking with your wife. What are the chances of the two of you having a romantic weekend without the kids in the next few weeks?

Ditto what Cyphercat said Noddy24, your good.

Talk to her? I don't know, why make her miserable too? It's my own problem, and I'm wonder'n if it's just self pitty. It's hot, dry and windy. Sweat like hell while she is in with kids. Sometimes I wish I'd have gotten back at her, made her hurt like I did. Then when I feel like this I could say "yea, but I nailed her friend too". But I'm glad I didn't, and don't know if she'd care. She tends to be an "outa sight, outa mind" type. Typical blonde. :wink: That WAS a joke, don't get mad anybody. And anything bad I say about her is wrong, she is a good mother..........just maybe not the best wife. I look at her mother and can see where she got it from, the wife part anyway. I really don't think her mom is a very good mother. Her dad is the nicest guy I've ever met, can be dumb as hell but a damn nice guy.

Had a night without kids for anniversary in early June, went alright. She got to talk, and talk, and talk..........and talk some more. I drank, and drank... :wink:

I think if I weren't so selfish I wouldn't have this problem, would be more concerned about her, rather than myself. Self pitty is probably the answer, and only a chicken-****-little-bitch has that. I need to practice what I preach, "suck it up, get over it and on with the job". This really is pansy-ass-bullshit and if I were half a man I wouldn't be tell'n you guys this.

Time to move on, I really just need a swift kick in the ass!

LuckyLad--



You're entitled to doubts and selfish feelings and unhappy memories, but you are a damn fool if you let them taint what you have in the present.

You had a "romantic getaway" in June--she talked, you drank. Do you feel better for the experience?

Lucky Lad.....she CHOSE YOU, not the other one...she told him to F off.

Damn it's hot out there! Came into office to cool off, grab a few beers and see what ya'll had to say(had to throw some red neck in there)

I do appreciate all of your help, Chai you always seam to be there. She did choose me, but she never did go "steady" with this guy. It was almost like she wanted someone good look'n to look at. I also know looks aren't everthing. Chai, is that a pic of your kid? Cute little ****, too bad she'll be raised a Texan :wink: :wink:

Noddy, I don't think it has hurt our relationship, hasn't helped either though. (I can't use the word "taint" or "trim" too funny :wink:)

You guys are all correct, I've told myself it all before. I just can't "shake" it!

For the guys, or maybe even gals: Do you ever feel like your just a paycheck?

One last thing, if you don't know me I'm the type to always joke. I don't take too many things seriously. I'm a guy and will get over this little spell shortly, next beer perhaps :wink: . I do take your advise seriously, though, and I do appreciate it. Good or bad, it helps. This is a great place to vent, spill the beans on something you wouldn't tell anyone else, and see what kinda freaks are out there :wink:

I guess the one thing I do take seriously is a spouse cheating on the other. Or someone sleeping with a married person. I guess there is a little "back bone" in me somewhere. :wink:

LuckyLad--

I'm glad you've found A2K to be a safe place, a home.

Out there in the "real" world, are you particularly worried about keeping up a super-manly image? Having a high pain threshold for physical pain doesn't mean that you also have a high pain threshold for emotional pain.

Real Men don't have to "take it"--they can figure out how to work it out.

LuckyLad, I'm warming up to the idea of going to Texas one day if there are men like you around there. lol.

What did you mean by saying she's 'just not maybe the best wife'? Is there something going on btw you two right now that is maybe bringing back up some old memories?

You've got a beer, so it's a great time to get it out. :wink:

Noddy, Yes....I think a man should be a man. Pain is pain, but it goes away. Emotional pain cuts pretty damn deep, that I have a hard time with but I don't think a man should show it. The man should be strong and hard, yet kind all at the same time. This is a great place for a man to show emotion without "showing" emotion. Yes I show emotion, when my kids get their feeling hurt, I have to swallow hard to fight back the tears and show sympathy. When a kid skinns his/her knees, I tell them to suck it up because that pain will be gone in a short while. I don't like cry babies.

Flushd, I'm not from Texas, nor do I suggest going to Texas! :wink: Just give'n Chai a hard time. Your question about my wife being a "good wife", well..........I wouldn't mind her show'n me that I am her man. Cook a good meal, make some time alone for us, even ask how my day was or even ask where the blood came from once in a while. :wink: I don't expect her to bend over backwards for me(thats something Sue Brag would be interested in :wink: ), but maybe go out of her way once in a while. I already know what your gonna say, "tell her that". I don't want to, nor does she "have" to do that stuff for me. If you have to tell someone to do something for you, it just isn't the same. No thoughtfullness in that.

LuckyLad--




In other words, your wife isn't a mind-reader--but a real man won't complain that she doesn't know what he wants.



I don't like cry babies either--but when a man refuses to show hurt feelings he's just as stupid as a woman who says, "I can't tell him what I want for Christmas because he's supposed to know."

Mind reading isn't working. Communication does.

Hey Noddy, quit bust'n my balls. I've stated all along that I'm not bringing it up to her and pull'n her down too. And kiss my ass, I'd be stupid to hurt her like that. It's my problem, I deal with it. She said she was sorry long time ago, I'm not gonna make her do it again. Read my damn post, how do I get over it, not hurt her also.

But, Lucky Lad, you keep assuming that you'd hurt her by telling her about this still bothering you-- why does it have to hurt her? Can't you tell her you're not angry, just wanting reassurance that she finds you attractive since in your mind you don't seem to be the "type" she goes for?

I don't think you wanting to hear that she's as into you as the other guys she's been with would hurt her-- I'd be happy if my guy let me know he cared that much about what I thought of him, even if it meant bringing up a problem from the past.

It sounds kind of like you're more worried about making yourself vulnerable, not living up to your image of the "ideal" man, than you are about doing the best thing for your relationship. Not being honest with her about how you feel may cause problems further down the road, and that seems like a bigger risk than the risk of feeling like a crybaby.

And I'm not trying to bust your balls, either! I understand what you're looking for is advice on how to get over this without bringing it up to her, and I know my post isn't helpful for that goal, sorry about that. I'm just wondering if you've given fair consideration to the thought that it might really be a GOOD thing to let her know that you have this vulnerable side. It could bring you two closer, you know. Women really do like to know that men have a sensitive side too.

First off I must apologize to Noddy, and I am sorry. I mean no disrespect to you. I don't know you or how old you are, but you have many more posts than I and have been here much longer so I should treat you as my elder. Please accept my apology. I had a little testosterone(sp) boost at that moment I suppose.

Cyphercat, I know what her answer would be or she would have left a long time ago. She wants me, and no one else. So I figure "why ask or bring this up again". I am stupid, I have doubts and feel that I should work this out on my own. But for sake of being an ass who knows it all, I will give your idea some thought. I know others here have also said the same as you. I am now removing my head from my ass and will think about it.

You know, over the years, I've occassionally had this really disturbing dream where my husband tells me he's decided I have to leave and he's going to bring some other woman to live there....actually, it's a lot weirder than that...but that's the gist.

Now, I know this would NEVER happen in a million years, but when I've had these dreams I know it's some other big thing going on in my life, and it just manifests itself that way.

However, it doesn't stop me from bawling like a baby and saying to him..."hold me hold me, tell me you're not going to send me away" when I first wake up and can't tell dream from reality yet.

so.....I know how you feel LL....sometimes it's just all messed up in your head for no good reason.


and what's wrong with Texas, may I ask?

flushd, you can come visit me whenever you want.

Sorry about the Texas mix-up! How could I make such a mistake?

Anyways, LuckyLad, I see a lot of myself in your post.
Yes, I'm a woman, but I still relate.

The problem with us 'strong' types is that sometimes we can start getting the feeling we are taken for granted without anyone knowing. It stews and stews, slowly, over little things - (like my bf not calling on time, and me not saying anything, figuring 'well, he should just know or else what's the point of bringing it up? .

It seems you recognize, in your head, that your wife loves you and wants to be with you only.
She chose you and she is there bc she wants to be.

But, maybe you are starting to feel a bit taken for granted?
Afraid that all these little things could be a sign that she isn't that hot for you, or may one day leave you.

Sometimes pride is shitty thing. We want to be strong, we want to respect others choices without having to conjole them or push what we want on them.
So we don't say anything when something is hurting us, or when we need something - especially something emotional!

Am I on the right track?
Being able to go to your wife and say "honey, I know you love me, but I need you to -- for me. I need you to show me you love me and try a bit harder. I'm scared." (or whatever it is you need to say to her).
won't be easy for you, but could do a world of difference to help keep your marriage strong.

My guess is that you have a good woman who just doesn't realize how much her man is hurting. Give her a chance.
It's all too easy to get comfortable with a guy who sucks it up, provides for his family, strives to do the best things without making a fuss about it or complaining.
You might need to remind her of all that she has.

Y'know that old saying "the squeaky wheel gets the grease"? Yeah, well, I hate that saying, but sometimes it is true.

.....Chai, thanks for the offer. If I ever do go to Texas, I would absolutely love to meet you.

Lad - You may not realize it but your insecurity is no doubt affecting your relationship. Your wife is likely picking up on your negative self image and that in turn is influencing how she views you.

I don't know how to "make" you like yourself, your looks, etc. I don't think there is anything I, or anyone else here can say to change your view of yourself.

Have you considered talking to a therapist? Counselor? Someone that might be able to help you through the thought process that leads you to believe you aren't attractive enough for your wife?

You are probably tense over all this. You are certainly stewing about all these issues. You mention drinking quite a lot. Now, they are all understandable, but not really helping you, or her, or you and her. I agree that speaking with a counseller is probably a good idea so you can let off some steam and evaluate your doubts - self doubts and otherwise - and come to grips and get to a more sharing loving expressive relationship, or not, as the case may be. A counseller for both of you together, or you separately.