Wed 12 Jul, 2006 06:48 pm
If you find yourself dealing with a sad person, the least thing that you can do is to pass along the "Guide to Singing the Blues." No one can force a sad person to be happy. That is a change a person must decide to make on his or her own but, if someone insists on being sad, then it is the duty of happy people to make sure they are at least entertaining. For a sad person to be effective in their lament, they must have read and memorized the:
Guide to Singing the Blues
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2."I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you stick something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Mike Tyson, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. There ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still great places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues:
b. Art gallery openings
c. Ivy League colleges'
d. Golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly people also got a leg up on the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
c. Mountain Dew
d. Red Bull
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting plastic surgery.
16. Some Blues names for women:
b. Big Mama
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson.
20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing the Blues.
Thanks, Mame. I'll pass it along.
Sing it, girl. You have the soul. You have the beat. You have the necessary grief.
Thanks anyway, but please don't remind me.
How are YOU doing? I see you're still dispensing good advice and support. Good for you.
Well, I'm so sad and lonesome
I'm so sad and 'lone
My face all tears and frown...
even Red Bu-ull, get me down
Cant use my Chelsea tractor
Cant use my Es-Yu-Vee
Cause Red Ken's slapped a tax on it
Now I-i, I aint got no place to go
I'm stuck here in my old shack
Stuck here by myself
Got noone here to talk to
They shut my broadband down
Ooohh they shut my broadband down
Aint that right momma
I aint got no commute to go on
Aint got no company car
Cant noone help me save my job
I was a fixin to get fired
I shot a man at HR...
just to see him die
I'm not sure whether to sing the blues, shoot the man or slit my throat.
I'll probably just have another cup of herbal tea.