Asking, demanding new stuff - what to do?

The 1.5 year old is an angel...and vaairy naughty,,,

She was eating her dinner and sitting with me as I watched Amelie Mauresmo lift her Wimbledon trphy happily, on TV,,,,suddenly little one lifts her plate up toooo... just as triumphantly. LOL. All her food on the carpet, of course....My....I'm having the most enjoyable but trying time of my life....

Oh my! Sympathy, sakhi.

With the five-year-old and buying stuff, I think that maybe going ahead and buying the first several things she requested (as it sounds from your account) may have cemented the "ask to buy stuff" behavior for a while. I'd suspect that normally she asks but doesn't always get it. Then it was a behavior that she started because she was anxious, and whaddyaknow, it worked! So she is trying it again and again and again...

I'd probably sit down with her and say, "Look, sweetheart, you're going through a hard time so I bent the rules a little bit and bought you more than I would usually. There is no way that we can keep doing that, though, so I'll let you buy ONE more thing [set a limit, under $5 or whatever] and then after that it won't be anything else. OK? Even if you ask and ask and ask and beg and plead after that, you won't be getting anything else. Do you understand?"

She'll probably try a bit more, be steadfast, it'll fade.

Meanwhile, when it happens in the middle of the night it's probably secondary to her being scared and wanting human contact and reassurance, and that's the form it takes. Go ahead and provide the human contact and reassurance. Maybe playfully counter it, turn it into a game -- she says, "I want a dolly," you say, "I want a pony." Then go back and forth with the things you both want, can get sillier and sillier ("I want a REAL magic wand,") with an emphasis on just hanging out and being together.

Hope your cousin's dad heals well and quickly...

soz's answer is probably the way to go but here is an alternative.

Every time she asks for something new, take something away.

I want a new dolly.

you have several dollies, would you like to play with this one?

No I want a neeeewwww dolly!

Well we will just put this one away then if you dont want it.

Dont give in to requests to buy no matter how much she whines and cries. Its better to just ignore that kind of behavior. Ignore the negetive behavior (unless it is life threatening) and praise the positve behavior. and dont buy something as a reward for good behavior. praise that all

Sakhi--

Instant parenthood is character building.

I'd guess that what your little cousin really wants is that her world return to the shape it had before her father's accident. You seem to indicate that while his injuries were serious, the prognosis is good.

As soon as you have a discharge date, mark it on the calendar and start a jubilant count-down.

When she asks for a such-and-such, I'd follow up Soz's advice by asking, "Do you really want a such-and-such? Or do you want your mommie and daddy to come home right-this-minute?"

During the daytime queries, I'd encourage her to talk about missing her parents and to draw pictures about missing her parents. Encourage her to draw some happy pictures to let her daddy know how much she loves him. If it is certain that daddy will be coming home, start creating party decorations for that happy day.

At night, I'd ask her what her mother would say to a "Buy me a such-and-such Right Now." request. Sympathize with her that her mother isn't available, but you're doing your best to be as loving as her mother would be.


As for the little one--aren't you glad you're starting Toddler World on the evening shift? A full day of non-verbal charm might do you in. Like her sister, the little one misses her parents and her routine and the family life disrupted by the accident.

Grit your teeth and work on gently reproving her for her behavior. You mention that you were watching Wimbleton when she dumped her dinner. I'd translate that into, "Stop watching television and pay attention to me". Mommies--even temporary mommies--don't have much of a private life before bedtime.

I hope your cousin's recovery is swift and that the little ones have their world returned to normal.

Hold your dominion.

Sorry--I should have retained the fact that it was Grandfather rather than Daddy who was in the hospital.

Does the five-year-old have e-mail access to Daddy-in-the-States? Let her dictate letters to her Daddy--after the little one's bedtime--otherwise you're have the potential for some spectacular distractive behavior.

Just a random observation from another non-parent...

Yeah, I think a lot of it is due to the stress the kids under.

Many time I'll be standing in the grocery line, or some other store, and see this scenerio everyone is familiar with.

Little kid wanders to the candy/toy rack right by the register, doesn't really look at everything, or anything for that matter, puts his/her hand on the closest thing, and looks up hopefully at mom (or dad). Mother in whatever way she handles it says no....

I've noticied most of the time, it's like the kid doesn't even remember he/she asked for something 2 seconds before. They just take their hand off whatever and go on to do something else.

Sometimes there's a medium size sigh and maybe a little longing glance at the item, but then they move on.

Sometimes there's some "pleeeeese" stuff, but doesn't go on long at all, maybe 20 seconds. I really don't remember the last time I saw an all out scene.

I like it when I see a mom say to the kid, as soon as they get in line..."OK, you can go pick ONE thing" It seems you never see the kid just grab the first thing....now, there're really shopping. They know they better make the most of it.


I think your niece is just on auto-pilot....maybe she doesn't even realize she's asking for something, until you say no.

Last x-mas, I was an arts and crafts store and this mom had her little girl sitting in the cart (maybe 4), where she was going off like an air raid siren. She wanted to get out, but you could tell if she did, she'd be a tornado.

The mom said to the little girl "Sara....if I let you out of the cart, will you stay by me?"

Sara: obviously not absorbing a word past "let out of cart" said "uh huh" as her head swiveled in all directions, announcing a bomb scare.

Mom: OK now, I'm getting you out, but you have to stay by me....OK?

Sara: "OK.....EEEE AHHHH EEEE AHHHHH EEEE AHHHHH.

Sara gets let out and immediatley grabs the first thing and yells "I WANT THIS" It could have been an egg beater or a pack of paper plates...she didn't care.

I had been right there, and we were pretty much alone in that part of the store, so I said......"SARA!!"

Sara stopped for a second, gaping at me, I looked at the mom with a "may I" expression, and she returned a "be my guest" look.

"Sara, didn't you make a deal with your mom that if she let you out of the cart you'd be quiet and stay by here?"

Sara: EEEEEE AHHHHH EEEEE AHHHH EEEEEE AHHHHH....I WANT THIS!!!

wow, did I kill this thread?

Sakhi, I have to agree with chai. Sometimes kids do not think twice before asking for something to buy. My son is not fond of chocolates. I can keep them in his reach all day long and he will not touch it. But when we are at the grocery store, he invariably wants to buy some.

So I would say, ignore under normal circumstances. But she is under a stress right now, being separated from her Mom and Dad. If she is in the habit of getting her wishes of buying items granted everytime by her parents then it might be a difficult thing for you to put under control. But you could always say, I cannot buy you stuff without the approval of your mom. Let me ask her next time, how much can I buy for you.

Do you know what she likes doing? Is she into painting or dancing or playdoh or helping with cleaning.. anything.. If so, help her do those to keep her stress from getting over her. Distraction is the key. Both of them would need lots of attention. So if you are planning to do something for yourself, like watching wimbledon then may be spend some fun time with them prior to the game. Then tell them you need them to be real quiet while you are watching the game. If they want they could do some painting or cleaning or whatever they like during that time but no messing the house.

Hope this helps. And let us know how it goes.

Pity I didnt see all these responses before I went home yesterday. Last night, she threw a terrible tantrum. I ignored her.( I read that on some other thread here, i guess). She threw some things. She broke a doll of hers. I just watched her - just to stop her from getting hurt. Then she stopped. I have a feeling my cousin buys her everything.



Oh, that's a great idea. I'm having problems "connecting" to her. I tried reading out a (illustrated) story to her yesterday ...didnt work. She asked me to shut up.
Maybe this kind of a game will help...

I did. She didnt answer my question directly. She said, "I want to call mummy. I will tell her you arent buying me the toy magnets...she will hit you."

When she's not asking for something...she whines...her whiney behavior isnt helping me either.. she doesnt like anything except to watch TV.

She can call her dad from my phone. She does that whenever she feels like. She doesnt whine with him though.


Oh, she's quite vocal. She talks. She can even say "chapaathi" too! (chapaathi = bread). I'm trying my best not to be biased towards the little one. She hardly knows me and she already hugs me when I come home in the evening. She tells me stories about what she ate and what she played (in child-talk). The 5-year old btw, mostly ignores that toddler.

I'm sorry,but that really made me giggle.I'm sure you're doing just fine. She would probably ask anyone to shut up. It's hard to replace a mom, especially if everybody's a little tense maybe.

LOL.....yes, that's how she is. But she always asks for video games or cartoon DVDs...or toys...some such thing.

As dadpad suggested, yesterday, I said NO. She watching TV (cartoons) after she did her homework (on my insistence). I asked her to come out and play in the park with me and the little one. And she asked me for some new toy. I said NO. Just then, the TV relay went off. No cartoon. She lost it. She said "I want a cartoon DVD...I want that toy" and threw a tantrum, which I ignored. She also said, btw, that she will "run away". (Btw, I sleep with her in the night - I moved into my husband's palce but he had to suddenly go to the US too, so I'm alone).

I'm having a very tiring life. My cousin'd dad is better. I hope she comes back soon.

Made me giggle too, actually....yeah you're right. (Btw, is 5 too old for illustrated stories?? Anyway, she doesnt read *anything*, except her school books)
One thing though. I'm sure she's missing her mom. But she doesnt seem to be concerned about her granddad although she knows the truth. (she doesnt know him too well).

thanks (((((everyonnnne))))). I'm hoping today will be less trying. They love going out. And 5-year old loooves Italian. So dinner at an italian restaurant near my place. The 5-year old is well beahved in restaurants (phewww). only problem is though that the little one will start singing and dancing (along with the music that's playing in the restaurant)... she's a riot

that "shut up" made me snort.....



I'm envisioning this....

(sakhi cuddling up with story book)
I don't LIKE green eggs and ham...



(5 year old)
Oh for the love of Mike...would you shut up?!!

:-)

Sakhi, when the 5-year-old makes threats about calling her mom, is it possible to say, "Sure, go right ahead..."? I think phone calls with the mom might really help.

Do YOU have the chance to talk to her mom at all? That could also help in finding out how things usually go, making things as consistent as possible.

This sounds like a 5-year-old who is NOT liking the change in routine and is missing her mom and dad. Is she actually 5 and a half, close to 6? A lot of the behavior you describe is typical for 6-year-olds and mature 5-year-olds, even without stressors.

I don't think 5 is generally too old for illustrated books, mine still loves them anyway. (She's 5 and 2/3rds).

I'd say -- be proactive, pay attention to her, start stuff (like the trip to the Italian restaurant, take control instead of a lot of asking what she wants to do), be playful and silly and very very patient. And then collapse in a heap when it's all over. ;-)

Good luck!

Great point soz


"I'm gonna call my MOTHER on you!"



handing her the phone...

"Here, do you need me to dial the number for you.....?"

I agree with Soz and Chai about handing the Little Darling the telephone.

She wants her mother--and delightful as you are, you aren't her mother. Unfortunately, she's sized you up and figures that she's safe behaving badly with you.

Will the little one sit still long enough for a picture book reading?

Hold your dominion.

Oh, we had fun last night. It was almost perfect. The 5-year old was prim and well-behaved. The little was one was sweet as always.

When we reached home, I made a faux pas. I asked the 5-year old if she'd like to hang out with the kids in our apartment (there are lots)....she gave me a glare. Guess i pushed my luck too much. After that, she was irritable.

As for her age, she turned 5 in March. She does speak to her mother. In fact, she spoke to her mom yesterday soon after her tantrum and she didnt mention anything.

The little one is a drama queen. Started crying when I left home for wokr, this morning. After I told her I needed to go and will be back in the evening. She took my shawl (it was lying in the living room - coz I was wearing it last evening)...and she started kissing it...saying "akka, akka"..dolefully. (Akka means elder sister in Kannada).