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Fri 30 Jun, 2006 04:43 pm
Warning: long post
I don't think I've seen this issue addressed on the relationship forum before (or maybe it has been and I missed it!), so I hope this will help out a lot of people who've been in this type of situation.
What do you do if someone takes an interest in you, but you just don't feel the same way?
Here's my Tale of Two Guys:
I've been going to this support group that deals with "relationship" issues for the past seven or eight months. I've grown to treasure the support, advice and friendship I've gained from both the men and other women there.
We spill our guts to each other about stuff we probably wouldn't even tell our families. Not that any of it is bad stuff - but sometimes you just don't always confide your problems and issues - especially about relationships - to your family.
So we've gotten very close, and they mean a lot to me.
My dilemma concerns two men in the group. I'll call them Guy A and Guy B.
Guy A is a very nice guy, and I really like him. We have a lot of things in common. We both love to read, love music (he even loves opera!), love animals, and a lot of other stuff. He's also reawakened an interest in photography in me, because he's a very talented photographer (though this is not his profession). We're just get along very well, I feel really comfortable with him. He knows a lot of my issues and he still likes me!
So there's been this nice little relationship developing there (but no one else in the group is aware of it).
Then there's Guy B. He's also a very nice guy, very intelligent, I'd even describe him as "wise." I love getting his advice and opinions about things.
So, about two or three months ago, Guy B asked me out a couple of times. Both times, I was busy and wasn't able to go. I probably would've gone, because I like him and consider him a friend.
But to be honest, I don't feel any connection with him beyond that.
After the two times he asked me out, and I couldn't accept, he dropped it. I didn't really think anything more about it. I figured he was just asking me out as a friend anyway.
But ever since then, I've noticed he's been kinda cold towards me.
The other night, our group got together and he hauled off and said (in front of the whole group), "Well, I've made a couple of overtures to someone recently but she fogged me off twice, so I stopped. I don't need a house to fall on my head. I guess showing need is deadly."
Oy! Have you ever been in a situation where someone says something, and you just know they're talking about (pointing kitty paw)
.you? Well, I know he was talking about me!
I felt embarrassed, humiliated and hurt. I never meant to hurt his feelings. When I had to turn down his offers to go out, it was truly because I couldn't make it - I wasn't lying or making it up, or trying to "fog anybody off."
But now I feel uncomfortable about being in the group. It's obvious Guy B is mad at me and feels hurt. At the same time though, I kind of resent the idea of having to stay away from the group - which I love - when I don't think I did anything wrong.
To make matters worse, Guy A, whom I really like, is leaving this evening for a trip to Europe. He'll be gone for two months! I'm going to miss him. At least, if he were still there, I'd feel more comfortable just having his support.
So what should I do? Just go back to the group, act like nothing's wrong, and still be friendly to Guy B? Should I say something to him? Or, should I stay away from the group for a week or two, and give things a chance to settle down (meaning, "hope that he gets over it.").
Is there really any good way to tell someone, "I like you as a friend but
.."
Or is it like the comedian Gallagher once said, "It's like standing on the back of a garbage truck. There's just no way to do it and look cool."
I'll be interested to see your responses. At the very least, thanks for letting me vent! :wink:
Hey Stray
I've been in that situation a number of times.
I went to AA for a number of years (let's not go there) and lemme tell ya...anyone who says they are there strictly for the "recovery" is lying out their ass.
Your group sounds similar in that you're all there because of relationship problems.
I'll bet you my next paycheck that they are similar to "my" group in that there's not much comprehension of the term "casual dating" You go out together for a couple of movies, and all of a sudden, you're in a "Relationship"
I can remember being interested in someone, not pushing things, waiting to see if we might click....and all of a sudden some other guy who you thought you were just being friendly toward is asking you out, trying to get into deep meaningful discussions with you, and all that.
I'm a big believer in chemistry...either it's there, or it isn't. I've never seen the sense in going out with a perfectly nice guy that you feel zilch for. You know, no spark of even...Boy I like spending time with him. I've done it and it goes nowhere.
Anyway, as soon as things would get uncomfortable, I'd let the guy know, nicely, I really didn't want to go out with him.
Very few had the reaction of "oh, ok" and there was no problem.
Mostly I'd get these interrogations "Why not?", but also, you'd get the cool shoulder, like all of a sudden you're the one who did something.
Bottem line is, most people don't handle rejection very well. I'd just cool it with him. He does need to get over it, but he needs to get over it by himself.
He's saying the stuff he says in front of you to guilt trip you. He's hoping you approach him and agree to go out with him to prove him wrong.
Hey....he's in a relationship support group....he has problems with relationships. Big surprise.
What he's doing now to you is probably one of the tricks he used/uses.
Don't let him keep you up at night.
Oh....also, I'd rethink your impression of him as being "the wise one"...I married one of those once upon a time. Wise Ass is more like it once there's no audience.
You didn't do anything wrong. The guy asked you out and you had other plans. Twice. So?
So anyway, he's the one in the wrong. The purpose of the group is to fix relationship problems, yes, but you'd all have to be mightily kidding yourselves if you didn't think anyone was looking for a hookup or something more. Still, the guy's problem is that he doesn't see boundaries. And, he doesn't think that things aren't always about him. Therefore, he saw your previous plans as a specific rejection of himself (although, in all fairness, you might have wanted to make it clearer to Romeo that you were not interested in a date and that it wasn't just a scheduling thing. Yeah, that's tough to do, but at least it would have been clearer all around) and also saw it as perfect fodder for the group.
He is trying to make you uncomfortable because he's uncomfortable, in the hopes that you'll leave. This is a game of chicken for him, so call his bluff. Stay, hold your head high and don't stoop to his level by, say, complaining about men asking you out who won't take a polite no for an answer.
As for your other buddy, he'll be back before you know it. In the meantime, go to your group, live your life, open yourself up to new experiences (including other possible dates and good times) and perhaps there will be a relationship when he returns. Or maybe there won't be. Such things can't be predicted.
Stray Cat--
I agree with Jes and Chia.
Guy B is nursing a bruised ego. You may have turned him down--twice--but he's going to show you that he's in charge of the situation and that he has the power to make you uncomfortable.
A needy bully may be a great date for Tilly Williams, but he's not good company for you.
If you want to be bitchy, you could ask him whether he thinks he needs to work on handling rejection, but bitchiness will get you nowhere.
Guy A will be back, not to worry.
Yes, I'm going to miss him, but he's going to keep in touch with me thru email and sending postcards. He's going to Greece, Turkey and Egypt. I can't wait to see the pictures he takes!
In the meantime, I'm going back to the group! There are people there that I really like and care about, and I want to offer them my support. (I definately benefit from being around them too.)
I'm going to do the "hold my head high" thing, and just ignore his comment. It's his problem.
jespah wrote:
Quote:don't stoop to his level by, say, complaining about men asking you out who won't take a polite no for an answer.
Yep, it's tempting to take a shot back at him, but I'm not going to do that.
I probably should have made it clearer that I only saw him as a friend, but that's hard to do. Still, I should have. I just honestly didn't think the two times he asked me out were such a big deal to him!
I think Chai is right about chemistry, though. If you just don't feel chemistry with a person, it's probably better not to go out with them in the first place. It could be seen as "leading them on," and you probably wind up getting in more hot water with them!
Chai wrote:
Quote:Oh....also, I'd rethink your impression of him as being "the wise one"...I married one of those once upon a time. Wise Ass is more like it once there's no audience.
Chai, this cracked me up! Thank you for that! I needed a laugh.
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