Moving back with my husband

Most of us show our true selves to our partners after we're married, not before.

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sakhi wrote:

...But yes, there is one thing that bothers me. I know this is going to sound terribly silly and bad...but i'm scared of "cheating" him in some way or the other...If I go out with someone else, am I cheating him? Am I still bound to be faithful to him? I'm young and I have always been a happy, outgoing person. I'm going out with a lot of friends.
I really don't want any icky situation...

sakhi, I've been trying to respond to this since early yesterday, but I haven't been able to get through to post. I don't know how things work legally or culturally in India, but here the purpose of a trial separation is for each party to determine if they were better off with or without their partner. If it is a legal separation, i.e., papers filed in court establishing the separation, then I believe there is no further claim of "cheating" by the other party.

There does come a time when a trial separation needs to move in one direction or another. If you can honestly tell yourself that your life is better with your husband than it would be without him, then you probably won't be able to tell yourself not to give it another try. My own opinion is that you don't 'owe' him anything other than perhaps filing for divorce so that you can both move forward.

If he has truly changed, then his future partner will benefit from his hard work. Do you honestly want to go back to this man? Or, are you going back out of a sense of obligation and commitment?

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sakhi,

I had writtin all this out to you in an email. But I believe that it belongs here. Not just for you but for another woman that might be out there reading this and in an abusive relationship.

As badly as I wish you would not do this, I believe your mind is made up. I only wish to support you, even if I do not agree. I want you to take care of yourself. Remember a few things that are for your protection.
Such as ......

If you have a computer at home, he can follow your tracks. Don't go anywhere online you do not wish for him to see. Abusers are masterminds at tracking your every move.

Anger is a drug to an abuser. Makes em' high. Remember that his has been hidden from you and bottled up for quite awhile now. If he unleashes it on you, the intensity will be huge. Anger is one letter shy of danger.

Stay out of the kitchen or anywhere in the house that has weapons, during a fight.

And this one is very important. Funny enough, after so many beatings, you learn how to best protect your body. You would think that you would learn how to get the hell out of there, but that's not usually the case. Anyhow remember this ...... if you can't escape the beating, and you are in the house and in the center of the room, then he has a lot of area to toss you around in. When an abuser comes at you ..... your first thought must be to make yourself as small a target as possible. Go to a corner. Get down on the floor and push yourself back into the corner. As close to the wall as you can get. (helps to protect the kidneys) Curl up into a ball. Bury your face between your knees and bring your hands up over top of your head. Interlock your fingers. And wait for it to be over.

sakhi ....... Even though you don't mean to give him any wrong signals or ideas, going back to him is giving him an awful lot of power. In his mind, he wins. Yes, he paid a price. But he never lost the "prize." And you're his prize. If he ever becomes comfortable in your relationship again, I fear for you even more so than I do now.

ALWAYS here for you. Remember that, ok?

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J_B wrote:

I don't know how things work legally or culturally in India, but here the purpose of a trial separation is for each party to determine if they were better off with or without their partner. If it is a legal separation, i.e., papers filed in court establishing the separation, then I believe there is no further claim of "cheating" by the other party.

Ours is not a legal separation. I just moved out.

J_B wrote:

If you can honestly tell yourself that your life is better with your husband than it would be without him, then you probably won't be able to tell yourself not to give it another try.
If he has truly changed, then his future partner will benefit from his hard work. Do you honestly want to go back to this man? Or, are you going back out of a sense of obligation and commitment?

Sense of commitment, to come extent - yes. But more importantly, it's the years of friendship that's pulling me back. Maybe i'm being stubborn ...but could there be anything better than marrying a childhood friend? He used to be my closest friend. That's what makes me hold on.

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Chai Tea wrote:

Sakhi - I don't believe he "changed" after he married you....I think he was like that before, and just hid it from you until you were his "possession"

that's just me though.

FreeDuck wrote:

Most of us show our true selves to our partners after we're married, not before.

Chai, Freeduck...that's what I find really hard to believe..did he hide this abusive self of his from me (and everyone else) for years? Or is it that something that got messed up (in HIS mind - i know his abuse is not my doing) after we got married?

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justa_babbling_brooke wrote:

If you have a computer at home, he can follow your tracks. Don't go anywhere online you do not wish for him to see. Abusers are masterminds at tracking your every move.

I take my laptop home but I do not have internet access. So all my browsing if from office - from the office desktop.

justa_babbling_brooke wrote:

Stay out of the kitchen or anywhere in the house that has weapons, during a fight.

And this one is very important. Funny enough, after so many beatings, you learn how to best protect your body. You would think that you would learn how to get the hell out of there, but that's not usually the case. Anyhow remember this ...... if you can't escape the beating, and you are in the house and in the center of the room, then he has a lot of area to toss you around in. When an abuser comes at you ..... your first thought must be to make yourself as small a target as possible. Go to a corner. Get down on the floor and push yourself back into the corner. As close to the wall as you can get. (helps to protect the kidneys) Curl up into a ball. Bury your face between your knees and bring your hands up over top of your head. Interlock your fingers. And wait for it to be over.

Thank you. I will remember this. But he does not even have to abuse me for me to leave. The first sign of his old, unreasonable anger and I'm gone forever. I snap too...I'm unreasonable too. Everybody is. But I recognize when he is dangerously/unhealthily anger very well. (Of course, I will wait for a safe time and leave)

Over the time I have lived with him...I know how to "handle" him to avoid abuse. I hadnt bothered with details before. If he has an unreasonable demand such as "Dont ever talk to that guy again, OK?? Do you understand that". I will not give my usual answer "You are being silly".."Of course I will talk to whoever i please".."Don't try to control me".. coz that will speark abuse. I will say "Ok dear, I will never talk to him again.". At the next possible opportunity, I'll leave for good. There is no room for possessiveness, trying to control me, suffocating me..or anything like that.

I'll keep posting here. (((((((brooke)))))) and ((((evryone else))))

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You'd be surprised what someone can hide for a long time....plus, other people will see in a person what they want to see.

My ex-husband was though by everyone to be a wonderful man. He most certainly wasn't.

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I was sorry to see this Sakhi. I think every person deserves a partner who loves them and appreciates them. I think everyone deserves respect in a relationship. I don't think your husband can give you any of it and I hope one day you will find a man worthy of you. I wish you strength and peace.

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I was sorry to see this Sakhi. I think every person deserves a partner who loves them and appreciates them. I think everyone deserves respect in a relationship. I don't think your husband can give you any of it and I hope one day you will find a man worthy of you. I wish you strength and peace.

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Believe me, I've thought about it a lot. And whatever I do, I'll decide according to whatever's best for *me*...

I went out with my husband yesterday. We watched a nice play and had dinner. Of course, it was a nice evening. But anyway, I know that doesnt mean anything...

Meanwhile, I'm feeling realllly pleased today. My appraisal went on quite beautifully. My manager and director gave me grt ratings since they're really happy with the way I've worked in my new position as team lead. And all this when I've been thinking that I haven't done too well in this new position.

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Congratulations on your good review!

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hey Chai, thanks. (and this is one of your best avatars!!!)

My husband has not yet returned from the US. I live alone in our home currently...we talk over the phone, once a day. So far, everything's normal.

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I wonder how you're doing in the meantime, sakhi.

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Hi CJ, I'm fine...

He returned a couple of weeks ago.

Everything's ok. He's a little emotional right now...that we're back together. He isnt trying to suffocate me like before - well, i'm not giving him room for that...

Well - there are some things that hint to me that this may be his return to "normalcy". Yesterday, for example, I went and fetched grocery while he was at home cooking dinner for us. (Well that might sound quite ordinary to most people, But in his earlier suffocating avatar, he would *insist* on coming along and then we would come back and cook dinner together). Things like this seem to be happening quietly and normally..it doesnt seem strained. So far so good. I'm cautious though - for my own good.

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I am glad to hear that, sakhi. It is hard to change old habits but if
he is truly remorseful and willing to change, it will happen. Your part
in this will be to immediately stop him if he's falling back into suffocating
you, and discuss the issue at once, so he won't have room to take
it further or let it escalate.

Good luck to both of you Smile

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Good luck, sakhi! Very Happy

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Yes, I'll keep that in mind, CJ.

Thanks both of you!

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Hey, I was wondering what had happened to you!
I am not here too often, but after I read some of your questions, I have been thinking of you!

I guess it doesn't matter how much anyone thinks you are making the wrong decision, you will do what you think is right anyway.

For whatever reason you just cannot let go.

But I hope it will work out for you!

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Thanks for checking in, sahki (and thanks to CJane for the prompt). I have to admit I hold my breath when I open this thread, saying a silent prayer of hope that the news is good.

I'm happy for you that things are going well, and equally happy that you remain cautious. I hope he continues on the path toward 'normalcy' and that you are able to enjoy your lives together.

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Moving back with my husband

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