Moving back with my husband

If that's what you've decided, sakhi, then the best of luck to you.
I hope, during this period, that you'll have counselling?

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If you haven't heard "much" from him recently, how can you judge whether or not he has changed.

He didn't completely honor your request for No Communication.

I assume a reconciliation now would be on a trial basis?

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I admit I sucked in a large breath when I saw you're thread title, sahki. You've got a good head on your shoulders and I'm sure you've given this a lot of thought. Have you considered having more contact with him, but not moving in - dating again, perhaps?

You really won't know how he is unless you move back, but it might give you more security or more warning flags.

Whatever you decide, sahki, stay in close touch. We'll all be pulling for you.

{{{{{sakhi}}}}}

<I'm pm'ing Bill, he's sure to give you a talkin' too :wink: >

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Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. He might not be so willing to let you go a second time. But you do what's best for you, sakhi. Best wishes on your decision.

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Rather than moving right back in with him, is there any way you can go through another "dating" process?

Gradually spending more time together might help you to judge if the situation has truly changed.

Be careful honey.

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Re: Moving back with my husband
((((((((((sakhi)))))))))

sakhi wrote:

Hi everyone, I have been wanting closure for sometime now. (For those who don't know what I'm talking about, my husband was abusive and I moved out).

We're all so proud of you for having the strength to do that, too. It is a rare woman who has the wherewithal and self-respect to do that, even when they know it's the right thing to do. And it was.

sakhi wrote:

The only way I see is to give it another try. After I spoke to that counsellor that my husband was working with, I told my husband we need to completely cut off, and that I will not be responding to his e-mails.
He sent me very few. About a week ago he told me his sessions were more or less over.

Huh? In other words; he figured out faking a desire for help wasn't getting you back, so he ended the charade. Had he diligently kept up with therapy, with or without you, at least you could reasonably estimate that he truly recognizes he has a problem and/or cares to fix it. Propensity for abuse isn't something you put a Band-Aid on and it heals. There's no such thing as an ex-alcoholic.

sakhi wrote:

I haven't responded. I am seriously thinking of moving back together and giving it a shot. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, we can amicably divorce.

Why not skip the next session of abuse and all the pain that always accompanies ending even a normal relationship? A lonely mind can play dirty tricks on a person. I can't count the times I've missed the comfort of partners I knew were not right for me. Each time I've succumbed to such longing for "what I had", it always ends the same way, for the same reasons as it did the first time. Earlier in life; I set my personal best record for second chances at around six (I honestly don't remember exactly anyomore). Each time it would be great at first, then good for a while and eventually dissolve into the exact same unacceptable relationship because alas, we were still the same two not-quite compatible people.

And that was all without abuse. If you're like me, by now you're mostly only remembering the good things, the good times, the attributes that drew you to him in the first place. In truth, all that good stuff is still there... just as it would be if I revisited any of my ex's as well. But so too is all the bad stuff, the stuff that doesn't make you happy, the stuff you that doesn't make you smile so you don't want to remember and in your case the dangerous stuff. There are men out there that can hurt women and there are men out there who can not. I still don't believe they can ever change teams. I would encourage you to get over the lonely spell, get your closure by way of divorce, and bide your time until you find a decent man... which of course, you will. There are millions of us out there, so make sure you're available (without black eyes) when yours comes along. Don't delay it any further by volunteering for further suffrage.

sakhi wrote:

I was going to send him an e-mail asking if we can give it our best try at making this work...I know you will all be apprehensive..but I see no other way out.

That's your heart talking... and this is one of those difficult times when you really need your mind to veto your heart. Hearts aren't really all that smart.

Take care of you... ((((((((((sakhi)))))))))

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Un huh. Apprehensive is truely the right word. I wish you the best of luck, but at least consider rereading what O'Bill had to say.

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Re: Moving back with my husband

sakhi wrote:

I know you will all be apprehensive..but I see no other way out.

What you choose, I wish you success.

Do you see a future with him or is this about closure?

Honestly, I am apprehensive. I tend to think the idea of dating first would be good - at least to take it slow and see where he is at. Moving in together would bring everything to a head really quickly.
Maybe that is what you want? To just have this over with one way or another?

Hang in there,sak. I'd love to hear how you're doing and what you decide.
Take care!!

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Re: Moving back with my husband
Geeez Louise - I can't believe I missed this the short times I logged onto the forum the past couple of days.

sakhi wrote:

About a week ago he told me his sessions were more or less over.

And now you are giving serious thought to going back with him. Do you remember back in April when his therapist recommended that he come in for monthly sessions? His therapist KNOWS that he has NOT dealt with his abusive behavior yet. And here you are thinking about going back with him? NO - No - No - NOOOOO !! You do NOT need him to be abusive to you again, in order to justify permanent removal of yourself from his life.

Don't go back and allow this man to place even more scars - either on your body or in your spirit. Oh please don't do that. You know, speaking of scars - I have a small scar on my forehead. I get to see it everytime I look in the mirror. It's from having my face slammed into a wall. There are times that just out of the blue - I will see that scar and I get a sudden burst of anger for my abuser. Then I just wanna cry because I want the memories to go away so bad. But I know they never will. And I have a lot more time of healing under my belt than you do. So what I am trying to say .... is love yourself enough to do what you know (deep down) is best for you and NOT what you think society expects you to do. Mentally or Physically - scars take a lot of time to heal. You are so fortunate in the respect that you can move on with your life. You got out early. You don't have to deal with that hard to penetrate wall that most victims built around themselves that makes them afraid of getting involved again. Trust me - you don't want to go there.

There are things that are done within a relationship that change that relationship forever and ever. Going back to him to give it one last shot of trying to make a go of things might be good in some cases. But in cases where abuse has lived - I have never known the outcome to be pretty.

If you must do this and are going to go back, at the very least set your boundries first. Let him know what will happen if he does this again. So much I wanna say to you ..... but I somehow get the feeling you're probably not going to hear it right now.

I can't remember if I gave you my phone number or not. Will send it in pm, in case I haven't.

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hi everyone...

Thanks, as always, for your responses. I will not move in right away - I did intend to move in with him right away...but my friend (the one I stay with currently) lost her dad a couple of days ago. I'll stay with her for another fortnight , at least, till she's feeling a bit better, hopefully.

And yes, maybe that will be good for me too...I can date him for a while till then. It's all the more hard for me to just "leave" with no last shot at the marriage. I think (or maybe I'd like to think) he's made an honest attempt at getting to solve his problems. I want to give him a fair chance. I sent him the e-mail asking him if we can start afresh.

I can't really say if this will work out. But I know how to protect myself, if, God forbid, the need arises....You know, when I wrote to you all about a year ago, I was like a scared child. I dint know what was happening....

I won't be able to meet him today, but I am going out with him tomorrow...let's see what will come out of it.

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Noddy24 wrote:

He didn't completely honor your request for No Communication.
I assume a reconciliation now would be on a trial basis?

Yes, it's a trial basis. But I'm not really putting in those words, to him.

True, he didnt honor my request for no communication..I never expected him to, really...Actually I just said, I wont e-mail you. That;s it.

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I'm sure things will be great .... for awhile at least. They almost always are. Who knows.

From my experience, guys that truely DO make an effort to change their behavior, still carry the ability to strike. A small portion of them control it. Most of them "change their spots." In other words, the anger inside of them is still there, they just channel it in a different way. Hopefully, never snapping.

Good luck (((((((( sakhi )))))))) You know what to do if you see signs of him becoming abusive again.

You have to do what you have to do to find closure. If going back to him is the way that feels right for you, then so be it. I guess I will try not to worry. You're a smart lady. Take care!

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J_B wrote:

You really won't know how he is unless you move back, but it might give you more security or more warning flags.

Thanks, J_b. Chance has it that I will not be moving in with him right away. And yeah, I'll never know how he is unless i move in. Will he persistently offer to come along, when I go shopping for clothes by myself? Even he just cringes and keeps quiet so as to not upset me, i'll still know. If he's anything but his OLD self...the guy I have been friends with for year, I know it's time to leave.

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Thanks (((freeduck, chai, flushd))). I'll be careful.

(((Bill)), no I'm not lonely at all...soon, after I left my husband, I was lonely, but now not at all. But yes, there is one thing that bothers me. I know this is going to sound terribly silly and bad...but i'm scared of "cheating" him in some way or the other...If I go out with someone else, am I cheating him? Am I still bound to be faithful to him? I'm young and I have always been a happy, outgoing person. I'm going out with a lot of friends.
I really don't want any icky situation...

Yes, I can find someone else....I just want to be fair to him. I will tread with great caution, for my own sake.

(((Brooke))), thank you, got your PM and your number. That's very very nice of you. I truly hope no emergency situation will arise. If it does, I'm prepared to take care of myself.
Will keep you'll posted.

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sakhi wrote:

I know this is going to sound terribly silly and bad...but i'm scared of "cheating" him in some way or the other...If I go out with someone else, am I cheating him? Am I still bound to be faithful to him?

IMO, marriage is a contract and in your case a contract that your husband has already destroyed in the worst way possible. Hence, IMO, said contract is no longer valid and other than the legal/paperwork, it no longer exists. If there is any possibility that he has changed; he would agree with this view and recognize your right to see others, while hoping you'd choose not to. If that isn't his view, than he still views you as a possession... and if he still views you as a possession, he's still dangerous. I know, apart from your kind heart, you already know this. I can't encourage you enough to use your head.

sakhi wrote:

I'm young and I have always been a happy, outgoing person. I'm going out with a lot of friends.
I really don't want any icky situation...

Yes, I can find someone else....I just want to be fair to him. I will tread with great caution, for my own sake.

You sound like a lovely person, who may care too much about others over yourself. VERY common in these horror stories. I can't tell you how many times I've heard/read a victim returned to her abuser because "he needs me". Invariably, a total disaster as it is mostly the result of manipulation who's draw was developed over the honeymoon period of the relationship. Huge red flag that is indicative of co-dependence of the most dangerous kind. NEVER place anyone's well being above that of your own (unless it's a child--> not a man with a tendency to behave like one).

If loneliness isn't an issue, than perhaps you should do some more work on you... I.E. Figure out why you would feel drawn (let alone compelled) to put yourself back in a bad situation. No good will come of that. It never does. Figure that out; and then you'll be ready to start a relationship with someone worthy of the wonderful woman you are.

I do wish you the very best of luck...

((((((((((Sakhi)))))))))

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OCCOM BILL wrote:

VERY common in these horror stories. I can't tell you how many times I've heard/read a victim returned to her abuser because "he needs me". Invariably, a total disaster as it is mostly the result of manipulation who's draw was developed over the honeymoon period of the relationship. Huge red flag that is indicative of co-dependence of the most dangerous kind. NEVER place anyone's well being above that of your own (unless it's a child--> not a man with a tendency to behave like one).

Yes, I remember reading this too, when I started reading about abusive behavior and abuse in marriage. No, I really do not want to go back because he "needs" me.

I believe he "changed" after getting engaged and married to me because he made himself believe silly things such as "I will cheat him " and started treating me like his posession. And I shoulda resisted his behavior from the word go. I kept playing along...listening to him, till it got really bad. Stupid of me. I'm not going to do anything of that sort now.

I decided to go back now (on my terms, and when I want to - not when he asked me to come back) because I do believe he has been making a genuine attempt at solving his problems. I'm not 100% sure. But I do believe that if he tried, it should be really easy for him to get back to what he was - a regular guy.

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OCCOM BILL wrote:

VERY common in these horror stories. I can't tell you how many times I've heard/read a victim returned to her abuser because "he needs me". Invariably, a total disaster as it is mostly the result of manipulation who's draw was developed over the honeymoon period of the relationship. Huge red flag that is indicative of co-dependence of the most dangerous kind. NEVER place anyone's well being above that of your own (unless it's a child--> not a man with a tendency to behave like one).

Yes, I remember reading this too, when I started reading about abusive behavior and abuse in marriage. No, I really do not want to go back because he "needs" me.

I believe he "changed" after getting engaged and married to me because he made himself believe silly things such as "I will cheat him " and started treating me like his posession. And I shoulda resisted his behavior from the word go. I kept playing along...listening to him, till it got really bad. Stupid of me. I'm not going to do anything of that sort now.

I decided to go back now (on my terms, and when I want to - not when he asked me to come back) because I do believe he has been making a genuine attempt at solving his problems. I'm not 100% sure. But I do believe that if he tried, it should be really easy for him to get back to what he was - a regular guy.

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sakhi wrote:

OCCOM BILL wrote:
VERY common in these horror stories. I can't tell you how many times I've heard/read a victim returned to her abuser because "he needs me". Invariably, a total disaster as it is mostly the result of manipulation who's draw was developed over the honeymoon period of the relationship. Huge red flag that is indicative of co-dependence of the most dangerous kind. NEVER place anyone's well being above that of your own (unless it's a child--> not a man with a tendency to behave like one).

Yes, I remember reading this too, when I started reading about abusive behavior and abuse in marriage. No, I really do not want to go back because he "needs" me.

I believe he "changed" after getting engaged and married to me because he made himself believe silly things such as "I will cheat him " and started treating me like his posession. And I shoulda resisted his behavior from the word go. I kept playing along...listening to him, till it got really bad. Stupid of me. I'm not going to do anything of that sort now.

I decided to go back now (on my terms, and when I want to - not when he asked me to come back) because I do believe he has been making a genuine attempt at solving his problems. I'm not 100% sure. But I do believe that if he tried, it should be really easy for him to get back to what he was - a regular guy.

Clearly we disagree over the two kinds of men in this world (those who can and can't hurt women and those who can't) Sad

Though I'm profoundly unqualified to opine further, I feel compelled to do so... all the while knowing it will do no good (probably why Brooklyn already switched gears, she's smarter than me). A "regular guy" he never was and never could have been, IMO, or he couldn't have done what he did. "Regular guys" don't do that. Not once, not ever. Not today, not tomorrow... never. That's not what "regular guys" do. I re-read your thread... and feel compelled to ask you to do the same.

I can't tell you how sad it makes me that the one online "success story", so to speak, is going ahead and doing it all over again. Sad

The last one we thought we actually reached... hasn't been heard from since. Crying or Very sad

)... which may or may not be OK. I remain plagued by my first encounter with an abuser, who I didn't have the knowledge to even recognize as such... who finished by killing his girl and himself before anyone I knew even guessed he might. Crying or Very sad

Sadly, I know you will feel like you know that that couldn't be your man... as if any woman ever felt differently. Logically, I know you couldn't... and that's the part that makes me so sad. Sad

Please keep us informed. I can't tell you how happy I'd be to learn I was wrong. Sad

Love always,

(((((((sakhi)))))))

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Sakhi - I don't believe he "changed" after he married you....I think he was like that before, and just hid it from you until you were his "possession"

that's just me though.

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Moving back with my husband

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