Obligated to have sex?

Still love ya too, bear, you horny bastard.

I used the word "if" for a reason. The woman who called didn't sound like she was trying to control her husband or felt like she shouldn't have to have sex with her husband. She said she'd lost her drive to have sex more than once a month. Would you have sex if you didn't want to? Could you? The idea that a woman has an obligation to have sex with her husband just sounds so fifties or earlier. And the idea that decreased frequency is abnormal and unhealthy is what I'm reacting to. I realize you've had your experiences with unhealthy relationships but that's not really what I'm talking about here.

That does sound like a good time, Bear, but I'm not sure my husband is ready to let me go just yet.

well hell bring him along... I need a night off occasionally....we could switch off running the video camera...

Re: Obligated to have sex?
I read the first two pages, gonna respond on the basis of that.. (since I'm having an outburst of openness on sexual/relationship matters tonight, apparently)..


Huh.. I have little experience in really long-term relationships... I had one girlfriend for six years, and sex became a big ol' problem in the later years of that one ... unpleasant situation. But I did also have two relationships of about three years each, and sex in those only became better over time ... thats what I was kinda thinking, that sex probably gets better over time (I mean, the first coupla times, in any case, arent necessarily the best, in my experience) ...

But yeah, I guess after 10 years its a wholly different story again perhaps, no experience on that.

What I have got to add still though, is that in that one six-year relationship, the sex thing did become a big problem ... and with that one in memory, I gotta say - "Is it the most important thing in a marriage?"; no, obviously - "Is it a deal-breaker?"; well, uhh...

She, my then-girlfriend, had a lower sex drive than me; or rather, to be more accurate, a lower sex drive with me than I had with her (she may well later have found a man she wanted to hump 24/7). Neither of us dealt with it very well I'm afraid ... so we just made things worse over time ... cheating came into the picture too (first me, then her), which created more distrust/insecurity and so more sex problems still ... well, a big mess, anyway, in short.

But what I wanted to say was that, yes ... I mean, if the one person would like to have it once a week minimum and the other prefers once a three, four weeks ... its a source of continuous tension/disappointment, if not for the one then for the other.

I know that it made me frustrated - but more to the point, it made me feel unattractive, ugly even .. and insufficient (to her), insecure ... all of which of course must in turn have indeed made me less attractive in actuality ... while she, poor girl, felt guilty of course, burdened by expectation / tension ... which made it even harder for her to relax, and thus to feel sexy (or enjoy sex) ...

And instead of thinking, what can we do about it, she preferred to pretend it didnt exist, implying that it was just all my problem, I was just being difficult (which made me feel more stupid/rejected again - I mean, if she didnt even want to look into things that could potentially make sex better, thats like the ultimate rejection ... (and it obviously wasnt that she was just a once-a-month sex type person in general, just ask her next boyfriend.))

It wasnt all bad, the first years were great, but yeah it became a big old mess. We could have handled it differently for sure, better - and it was the respective cheating episodes that really f*cked things up beyond repair. But the imbalance had already been a problem before that (and the cheating in turn wasnt exactly wholly unrelated to it..). So basically, if you're asking, is this imbalance in sex-desire really an issue, is it really worth wasting "time and money" on in the first place, whats the big deal?, then I'd say yeah, definitely, big deal. Well, I'd say, I'm gonna make sure to end up with someone who is tuned like me, it'll definitely be a crucial factor. Cause like Bear says, "constant rejection of sexual advances" can just tear you apart, really.

You cant believe how liberating it was to later be with someone who was as much or even more into sex than I was ... not just the one affair, but a real girlfriend then too ... who dug me, loved my body, my touch ... who initiated, and showed and taught me lots of stuff, instead of me having to cautiously introduce the odd new thing, all the time afraid she might not want that, either... man, it felt - that part felt, so amazingly invigorating, and relaxing... just, that it could be like that too - that easy! That I didnt have to be ashamed, none of that hoping for it, not getting it forthcoming, feeling stupid/rejected/insecure about wanting someone who doesnt want you (and it being your own girlfriend!) - none of that stuff going on - just the delight of someone who is as much into you, and into sex, as you are into her, and into sex - makes life a whole lot f*cking easier on a daily level, yeah

So yeah I'd say it was, if not a deal-breaker, at least a crucial thing .. <nods>

Responding on the 'deal breaker' thing that freeduck said on the first page, just on a personal basis of course.

I didn't think it was a deal breaker, but i'm married to someone that does. Or...well...if we do not engage in sexual intimacy for 2 weeks, i get the cold shoulder. If another week goes by, I get the talk about satisfaction and looking elsewhere for it, so to speak. That used to be how it was a few years ago. Pretty much settled into the fact that that happens sometimes now.

So, Freeduck, I think for some people is is in fact a deal modifier at least, if not a deal breaker. That seems to be what the announcer lady is thinking.

Eh, thats a cheap shot, and way too easy to say. If there's a systematic imbalance in sex drive (towards the other), you can wait for what feels like eternity, and still have the other, at best, come to you just the once or so ... I think the needy pawing thing comes in the phase after where you've just been getting no response, little initiation from the other, and it's made you insecure/frustrated.

(But yeah for sure insecure and frustrated people are a pest, or at the least, a turn-off - so agreed that, once it gets to that point, it only makes things worse.)


Are you kidding? Of course I would, sometimes. Sometimes the mood only comes once you've started, like Shewolf said, and - wait, I posted that here just the other day - here it is:


You're right - this thing about a woman being "obliged to have sex with her husband" doesnt just sound very fifties, it's also just wrong. But vice versa - what Soz and others have been saying, I think - you gotta end up at some compromise in a relationship, and the lowest denominator, so to say (you only have sex as often as the person who wants it the least wants it), is not a compromise, cause compromise would be somewhere in the middle.

Sometimes I wanted to have sex, found that my partner didnt feel like it, dropped it. Obviously. But also, sometimes I wasnt really feeling it, but she wanted to, and I went along anyway, at least for something if not the whole deal. I dont think that kind of thing, in a long-term relationship, is really so wrong - that it is some sort of violation upon the partner's self-determinawhatever?

I'd say the opposite. After so much wanting it and not getting it (whether asking for it or not) you just get to apoint where you say "whatever then" and don't even bother to bring it up. That's been my experience anyway, both personal and from outside sources. Not that I'm saying it CAN'T go the other way around, but I think the constant rejection or whatever leads more to a person being resigned to the fact that it isn't coming...no pun intended.



I do this. Most times it's not even noticeable, and when we're done, I still haven't gotten the feeling that I'd wanted to be doing it.

I have a question though. If you wanted to have sex and your partner didnt, but they did anyway. Later you're having a conversation wherein they discover that you didn't feel like doing it and you were only doing it because they wanted to, not because you were particularly interested in the act and they get upset, because you weren't 'genuine'....how's that supposed to make one feel/behave? Do you then continue to do it when you don't want to, or do you just refrain, because they don't want you having sex with them 'just because they wanted to'?

There's something that hasn't been brought up, and it's something that can happen to anybody.

Sudden medical conditions can happen to one partner that can drastically reduce their sex drive. Heart condition, diabetes, many other diseases that aren't "in your head" can have a permanent effect.

This is one of those times you have to remember what your vows were.


changing gears....

I remember when my father died, my husband went through this stag of "life is short" and wanted to make love every singe day. That may sound fine to some, but honestly, after a while, it felt like one more thing that had to get done during the course of the day....Load diswasher, feed pets, make love, pay bills....

Thankfully, we have always had open lines of communication, and I let him know if he felt like making love every day because he wanted to, that was good. But, if he was doing it because "life is short", then honestly, I'd just as soon be enjoying my short life doing something else.

Sex every day gets boring after a while, no matter how good it is. There's no anticipation.

If a man (or woman for that matter) is abusive about demanding sex when the other doesn't want it, that's a problem.

But truthfully, in a long term relationship, like a marriage, I don't see the problem with "accomodating" the other person when there is love and trust and respect. We have a tube of lubricant next to the bed, and hey, it's enjoyable being desired.

How many times a day do we do something for our loved ones, that we wouldn't care about doing for ourselves....giving our bodies to the other is all part of the love.

Honestly, sometimes I think we have gone a wee bit overboard with the "this is my body and I don't have to have sex if I don't want it"

I'm not talking about all the time, but jeez, what's the problem with giving the person you love something he wants? I little moaning an ego stroking isn't a big price to pay for the appreciation shown afterwards.

Yeah, I'm sure that happens a lot too, no doubt. Can easily imagine that as well. I was more responding to - when there's some kind of pathological constant pawing going on - I mean, I guess to someone who's not feeling much like sex, the other's regular instinct can quickly seem like that in any case - but when it's actually continuous, I think it's more like an expression of serious insecurity/frustration than something that can be solved by just holding off for a mo'.


Oh yeah, good point. True, nothing worse than thinking someone was getting all into it, and it later turns out they were only doing it to please you or something. I hope that hasnt happened too much with me - but I had at least one experience where I heard such a story afterward - that she'd done it mostly to please me rather than because she felt like it - and I felt humiliated, as well as really guilty.

And yeah, that reaction is completely inconsistent what I wrote in my post above..

People are funny creatures

But no, if I mostly only went along cause I felt she really wanted it, or it would really make her feel better when she was feeling pretty low, for example, then I would definitely not ever tell her that this had been the case some time afterward ... (I mean, unless it ended up being staggering sex and I could wrap it into some "man, I hadnt felt much like it but it ended up amazing" kinda thing) ... I mean, yeah, fessing up to that afterwards kinda negates doing it in the first place, then you might as well not bother.

(Just IMHO - and I do know that there's bad situations where suspicious or insecure partners pull things outta you that you really hadnt wanted to tell).

Hmmm... compliqué.

Disclaimer, though, re what I was talking about, myself: I wouldnt, like, have sex if I totally absolutely did not want to, by the way, either. I was talking more instances like, where you're just not feeling it yourself, woulda preferred just going to sleep or cuddle, but you're also not actively upset by the very thought of it, or anything...

Lots o' good input here. This conversation is getting pretty interesting.

So that nobody gets the wrong impression, the woman who called didn't actually say she only had sex with her husband once a month, just that she didn't feel like it more than once a month. No drive. I'm willing to bet that all married people are familiar with getting themselves in the mood after the fact. What her relationship was with her husband other than that, I don't know.

Still, I have to wonder, if everything else in the relationship is good, including the sex, but the sex has become less frequent, isn't that just part of the normal course of marriage? Speaking for my own relationship, we've had ups and downs. We have "seasons" where we're all horny for each other again and times when one of us (usually me) is just into something else at the moment. As I said before, these usually coincide with babies. One of the things that can prolong such a time is excessive pressure to have sex regularly, which makes it seem like more of a chore than something worth anticipating. One of the things that can shorten it is a husband who gets that other things are getting in the way and does something to alleviate that -- like getting a babysitter and taking me dancing. It just seems like these things should be addressed within the context of the marriage. Just as constant rejection can hurt one partner, the constant pressure from one partner who predictably and persistently wants sex when the other doesn't can also be hurtful. Maybe it's just all part of having a good marriage where there is open communication and a willingness to negotiate.

But carry on with the current turn of the topic. I just wanted to make sure that nobody got the idea that I was arguing that men should just take it when they can get it and shut the hell up. Just as that's not true, neither is the case that a woman has to keep screwing like a teenager until one of them dies in order to keep her man. It's all very personal. I still object to the way they jumped on the caller as if something serious had to be wrong with her for not feeling like having sex.

But isn't jumping on callers what American talk radio is all about?

Maybe so. But I'd heard them give good advice before...

More seriously, on re-reading your initial post, the interesting observation for me wasn't the woman who happened to be disinterested in sex, but the announcer. She's a case study on people who seek to impose their morality on others by dressing it into the language of science. Don't want sex? Then you're probably depressed, or maybe something's wrong with your hormones, or you're playing some strategic game with your partner. Better see a counselor about it. Only after that goes nowhere does she have this Freudian slip and says what she really thinks.

If someone compared compared this moderator to a religious fundamentalist trying to impose her idea of virtue, I'm sure she would be honestly offended. After all, she's a woman of science! Yet that's exactly what she is -- a fücking missionary.

Pun intended? ;-)

Thank you for noticing. I was afraid it might be too subtle.

Thomas, that's exactly what made me start the thread.

There ya go....

next case....

I think we are all obligated in a sense...we can't go into a relationship having sex 4 times a day and then just decide one day that we don't feel like it any more and have sex once a month without our partner feeling slighted in some way. It's vital to a relationship. However, being said I don't think you should feel obligated to have sex. Does that make sense? Medical reasons aside....and short term droughts aside.

Yes, sometimes I do it when I really don't want to but I don't feel like I HAVE to or he'll get mad or that it's my "duty" to do it. I do it because I love him and I want to make sure he's happy. I end up enjoying it anyway and am always glad I did it.

That would be the other talk show with the other expert.

I don't know, Bella. Maybe it's the word "obligated" that bothers me. Who wants to think of sex as an obligation? I mean really, what could be a bigger turn-off.