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Obligated to have sex?

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FreeDuck
 
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 07:49 am
So, I was listening to a call-in radio show this morning where they had a woman on that I guess was supposed to be a relationship expert. A woman called in and said she was happily married with a 5-year-old child and only had the desire to have sex about once a month. The woman starts grilling her (in a really adversarial tone) with questions about whether her husband is good in bed and whether she can have orgasms. When that goes nowhere she asks if she's depressed or on medication or birth control. No to those. So she tells the woman to go get a physical because she might have low testosterone and if that doesn't work to see a sex therapist. Then she says that the woman might be subconsciously using sex to control the relationship. All of this seems like a big freak out over nothing to me, but then she says, "you have an obligation to your husband to have sex and if you don't get help your marriage will be over." WTF? Isn't a reduced desire to have sex normal in a relationship? I mean, we can't hump like rabbits until the day we die. If she doesn't want to have sex, she doesn't want to have sex. I know that it's still an important part of the relationship, but what's a minimum frequency? Once a week, twice a week, three times a month? Do the experts know something I don't? And what's with the "obligation"?

I'm all for a healthy sexual relationship with one's spouse, but I've had dry spells myself where I just wasn't interested. They usually work themselves out but there's no way we are ever going to have the kind of sex we did when we first started our relationship. Am I wrong in thinking that's just normal?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 5,337 • Replies: 79
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Bi-Polar Bear
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 07:51 am
yes you are.... no one likes Cold Duck....
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material girl
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 07:55 am
Fair enough its not nice to have sex if you dont want it but this woman is th eonly person her husband is supposed to have sex with, If he doesnt do it with her their relationship is going to be yet another statistic.
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tin sword arthur
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:01 am
A little tidbit I found here.

"More than 44 percent of men and women initiate sex as often as their partners. Unfortunately that means that at least half of us are less than equal in the bedroom.
About 36 percent of American men and women have sex a few times a month. While "a few" may sound vague, it means something like not every week but not just twice a year, either."

From what I understand, your sex life tends to diminish over the course of a relationship. There are, of course, exceptions to that, but most long term relationships experience a decline in frequency as the couple ages together. Not that there is a decrease in attraction, just a decrease in the desire to engage in sex.
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material girl
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:02 am
Is it because its on tap, so to speak?
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FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:02 am
Can't he do it with himself? It's not like she was saying she would never have sex with him, just that she only felt like once a month. Is it the most important thing in a marriage? Is it a deal-breaker?
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Thomas
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:03 am
Re: Obligated to have sex?
FreeDuck wrote:
If she doesn't want to have sex, she doesn't want to have sex.

Yes, but this rule is so simple that non-experts can understand it and act on it. This gives experts an incentive to dismiss it.

FreeDuck wrote:

I know that it's still an important part of the relationship, but what's a minimum frequency? Once a week, twice a week, three times a month? Do the experts know something I don't? And what's with the "obligation"?

I'm all for a healthy sexual relationship with one's spouse, but I've had dry spells myself where I just wasn't interested. They usually work themselves out but there's no way we are ever going to have the kind of sex we did when we first started our relationship. Am I wrong in thinking that's just normal?

Of course you're wrong. In fact, from your skepticism of what the experts tell you is true, it's clear you are frigid, misantropic, and unattractive. Better go see an expert about these serious problems you're having. Not thinking you have any problems here? Well, let me tell you FreeDuck, denial is not just a river in Africa.

(See how it works?)
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FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:04 am
Thans for that link, tin_sword_arthur. That's what I was wondering about. It seems normal to me for sex to decline in frequency over time.
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shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:04 am
WOW.
I cant believe she said that.

Obligated to have sex?
( cough bullshit cough)
that is bordering a rapist mind set.
But I wont go there.

Every body is made differently and we ALL have different timers for sex.
An example-
I get a physical urge for sex , if left on my own meaning.. I only wait until I "feel' the need, about 2 times a month.
It lines up with Aunt Flos visit.
Hubby's is about once a week.

Now, that doesn't MEAN that is the only time we have sex.
But throw in a child to the time schedule and we don't always get what we want.
In fact, one time we realized we had gone almost a MONTH! with no sex

So,...according to THAT woman my marriage is over?
What a quack.

A sexual relationship can be anything to anyone. And for her to assume that sex should happen every 3 days or something outrageous like that makes her a slave . HA!

If ( figuratively speaking) you and hubby have sex only once a month.. but it is mind blowing, enjoyable and every aspect of your relationship is working.. then that is a normal sex life.
If you are having sex daily , and it is great , mind blowing and in line with your relationship.. then you have a healthy sex life.

Sex life isn't about frequency.
It is about quality and that woman is a FREAK to suggest otherwise.
0 Replies
 
FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:05 am
Laughing Thomas. You kill me.
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shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:07 am
tin_sword_arthur wrote:
Not that there is a decrease in attraction, just a decrease in the desire to engage in sex.


and the ability. That can play a part in it as well.

hormones dictate our physical ability and desire to have sex .
Later on in life, they DO level out, and sometimes diminish.
This doesnt take away from a relationship thank goodness.. it just creates a diffrent level of intimacy.
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Bi-Polar Bear
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:07 am
women who won't have sex with their husbands are like children at a birthday party.

There is only one slice of cake left and a girl will ignore that slice of cake until the chance another girl might want it and then that's not allowed.

Women feel it's their right to withhold sex ( a control issue) but will not recognize the man's right to get it somewhere else if it's refused him enough at home. Double standard bullshit and the cause of MANY a divorce.

I don't know how many of you have been divorced but really... would going ahead and engaging in sex once in awhile even if it's not the most important thing on your list be more unpleasnat than a nasty divorce and the ripple effect it has on not just your life but others? (like children)
I know the standard answer to that question is "Wouls it kill a man to do without and not make such a fuss" "Why is sex so important anyway"?
Speaking as a man, and one with a very active libido I can tell you that when a man is receiving sex on a regular basis and the woman is at least PRETENDING it's not a chore akin to scrubbing the toilets, he will be willing to shrug his shoulders and just hold you when you say no. However, when it becomes a constant turn down or presented as an unpleasant chore, then it becomes a big deal and things go south.

So remember girls, be regular in your favors and at least pretend you're into it. We won't catch on because we're more than willing to be fooled in that regard. :wink:

Not like squinney and I have that problem we don't but I had a previous wife with that problem. I held out for a while and then just started f*cking everyone with a clear conscience.

As a matter a fact I believe a very wise man once said "Stiff dick has no conscience" Laughing
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tin sword arthur
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:08 am
Of course, there's always masturbation, too, to get you through those troubled times. It's not the same, sure, but it'll do in a pinch.
0 Replies
 
FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:09 am
Shewolf, our sex life is very similar to yours and Mr. Wolf's. The dry spells coincided with having small babies in the house or being pregnant (major sex drive killer for me) or other such things. I'm not quite at the place the caller was, but I have been before, which makes me think it's normal, of course, because I think I'm normal. I just wonder how much effort we are supposed to put into this one aspect of our lives. There are so many other things going on that require time and money that there's no way I would spend it on a sex therapist.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:10 am
Interesting...

I really really like Dan Savage, who writes "Savage Love" for the Onion, and I think he gets things right most of the time. In this exact situation, though, I think he often goes overboard. He's a gay guy with a really high sex drive, and seems to assume that everyone in the universe has the same sex drive and that having a lower sex drive is a crime. He would react just like the woman on the radio, I think -- once a month is ridiculous, DTMFA. Good relationship otherwise, great parents together? Too bad, sex is the most important thing. (Paraphrase, obviously.)

My take on it would depend so much on the context. What does the guy in the radio show couple think about it, first of all? Not all guys have the same sex drive, either (Dan does run columns from plenty of them, too), and if both partners are happy with once a month, they're both happy with once a month. There isn't some objective sweet spot of how many times a couple should have sex, it's all up to their personal preferences.

If the guy wants it more than once a month, then I'd start looking at things like duration. Is there a specific reason her sex drive is down? Will that reason change in the future? Is the guy doing everything he can to help with the situation? Etc., etc.

I do think that most anything that is happening when a couple gets married, both halves of a couple have a right to believe will continue indefinitely, and if it stops, the one who is stopping it has the onus of negotiation/ making sure it's OK. Like, if a couple is having sex twice a week until they get married, and then once they get back from their honeymoon the woman just stops being interested, I think the guy has a right to be upset and that it's on the woman to figure out what's going on/ change it, or if she refuses, recognize that she's taken a sledgehammer to one of the pillars of their marriage and that it might not survive. I don't think the onus is all on the guy to just deal with the elimination (in that case) of sex within the marriage.

I know that's not what you're talking about -- once a month is not at all the same as total elimination -- but for some guys, it could be nearly as bad. So, context.
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Bi-Polar Bear
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:10 am
tin_sword_arthur wrote:
Of course, there's always masturbation, too, to get you through those troubled times. It's not the same, sure, but it'll do in a pinch.


but don't pinch too hard... it can cause a burning sensation in the urethra at the big moment....
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Bi-Polar Bear
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:12 am
Once a MONTH? You people are crazy......
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FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:14 am
blueveinedthrobber wrote:

Women feel it's their right to withhold sex ( a control issue) but will not recognize the man's right to get it somewhere else if it's refused him enough at home. Double standard bullshit and the cause of MANY a divorce.


For the record, the times when I felt like I didn't care if I ever had sex again, I would have been perfectly fine if hubby got it elsewhere as long as he wore a condom and didn't spend any money on her. But women certainly have the right not to have sex if they don't want to. Do you really want to have sex with us if we're not into it?

Quote:
I don't know how many of you have been divorced but really... would going ahead and engaging in sex once in awhile even if it's not the most important thing on your list be more unpleasnat than a nasty divorce and the ripple effect it has on not just your life but others? (like children)


The woman said she was ready to go once a month. Does that qualify as once in a while?
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material girl
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:14 am
blueveinedthrobber wrote:
Once a MONTH? You people are crazy......


I can only dream of once a month.
0 Replies
 
Bi-Polar Bear
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jun, 2006 08:19 am
FreeDuck wrote:
blueveinedthrobber wrote:

Women feel it's their right to withhold sex ( a control issue) but will not recognize the man's right to get it somewhere else if it's refused him enough at home. Double standard bullshit and the cause of MANY a divorce.


For the record, the times when I felt like I didn't care if I ever had sex again, I would have been perfectly fine if hubby got it elsewhere as long as he wore a condom and didn't spend any money on her. But women certainly have the right not to have sex if they don't want to. Do you really want to have sex with us if we're not into it?

Quote:
I don't know how many of you have been divorced but really... would going ahead and engaging in sex once in awhile even if it's not the most important thing on your list be more unpleasnat than a nasty divorce and the ripple effect it has on not just your life but others? (like children)


The woman said she was ready to go once a month. Does that qualify as once in a while?


For the record I believe that like I believe the moon is made of green cheese..... Laughing

And once a month is not once in awhile..... once a month is ridiculous IMO.....sex is a part of the expression of love between two people... a physical joining is real world stuff.....constant rejection of sexual advances between married people is a slap in the face and a rejection of that love.... I'm not saying that sex is everything but only an idiot would say it's not a big part.

not like I'm saying you're an idiot... let me make that clear ((((((((BEAR HUG))))))))))))))
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