I am thinking of leaving him...

I don't hate you!
And I know how easy it is to look at a situation from outside and thinking: How stupid can anyone be, why doesn't he just...

But it's never JUST, when you are right in the middle of it.
I have been with a boyfriend for six years, who constantly cheated on me, and played silly mind games until I was reduced to a depressed sad little heap of something...
I really hated myself for what I have let myself become.

Thank god I never married him, even though he asked me two or three times.

I was thinking of leaving for a few years, before I actually had the courage to really do it.
I made a big break and moved from England to Germany. Even there he was haunting me for a while.

But now (nine years later) I look back at the me from then and think: How could I have been so stupid, why didn'T I JUST...

From what I have read of your story, I get the impression that you do not love your husband not care for him too much any more.
It seems to be more a matter of being scared to leave, to worry, how you will cope on your own. But deep down inside you know that you will be better off without him.
It's just the last step you need to take, and with that nobody can really help you.
You have to do it all on your own!

But BELIEVE ME!
It will feel so GREAT once you have done it.
Once you are free and able to breathe again.
Once you know that you deserve better.

Sorry for rambling on like that, but I wish you all the best, no matter what you decide to do!

We don't hate you Kitkat, but you do frustrate us. We understand your problem and have given you our honest opinions only to have you fight us on the issues.

Everything you have written in this forum (since 2004) makes me believe you are in the wrong relationship. If you really care for this person you will do what is best for him and set him free. The right thing for both of you is to separate. This man is just as an unhappy as you in this relationship. Men in love do not treat women the way this man treats you. You will both be happier without the stress. There is not enough love and respect in this relationship for the relationship to work. Free him, free yourself. Do it with love and not with anger. Tell him you want to leave so you can both pursue a better future with a chance for real love. Good luck.

KitKat--

Does True Love demand that the lover commit suicide?


Are you afraid for your husband or are you afraid of being Woman with a Failed Marriage?

Hi kitkat,

I've only fitfully been following this saga, so forgive me if you've said so and I just haven't seen it -- are you seeing any kind of professional counselor? We at A2K have opinions and they're often very good opinions, but ultimately we have only a small slice of the picture and can't do the job that a professional counselor can do. I'd suggest seeing someone before taking any major steps, unless you feel like you are in physical danger.

Kitkat, not everyone here hates you. I'm glad you are finally at the point where you are ready to do something. However, if it has been weeks since you last slept well and you are in a state of depression, you need to take the advice of seeking councelling. Has your man noticed your mood? Has he tried to do anything to help you out of it?
It is only natural for some feelings to linger at the end of a relationship (if this is the end). But you need to realize what this is doing to you as well, and it may be in your best interests to get out. But talk to someone, first and foremost.
Write back and let us know how you are doing.

Re: I am thinking of leaving him...


This has been bothering me since I read it. kitkat_bar, whatever your reasons are for leaving or staying in your marriage, please make sure that you are making the best decision for you. It might just be your current state of mind, or the fact that you haven't slept in ages, but don't make decisions because you want to be accepted.

Not sleeping for weeks due to depression should be enough of an impetus to get some professional advice to help you sort through your situation.

Definitely see about getting the depression treated before making any decisions about your marriage.

I don't believe anyone here hates you, so let's put aside the histrionics, shall we?

That being said, I see as usual plenty of good advice being offered. If you think you're depressed (as opposed to mere sadness at the plight you find yourself in), get help for that first before making any life changing decisions. If you're not suffering from depression-- and I hope you are not-- figure out what you're going to do, where you're going to stay, how you're going to live, what you want to keep and what you want to throw away. Then DO IT and be satisfied that you did the right thing.

Dithering only prolongs the agony.

Both...but mostly the ladder. I had much to think about last night. I didn't sleep at all. I stayed awake all night and even watched the sun come up. I started writing some people I knew for help, not advice kind of help, I mean taking me in kind of help.

KitKat,

I wish you the best, and hope that you choose to make the right decision based on what will make you the happiest. Sometimes walking away from a situation, getting out of the middle of it......to get a breather, might make all the world of difference.

Get a chance at some quiet time, ponder everything over that has taken place in your marriage to get a clearer picture..and then decide.

But at some point, your going to have to realize that you deserve some inner peace and some respect......

MMS

KitKat--

This week Prince Charming has a very full schedule and you're going to have to start rescuing yourself.

Calling friends for a temporary refuge is a good idea. Let us know what happens.

KitKat,
Good for you for reaching out to your friends. Get all the support you can and let them help you with this. I think talking with a professional would be good too. Just dittoing that good advice.

Looks like it's time where KitKat starts seeing she is worth something and worth happiness. I'm glad about that.

Just remember: Your friends (and a lot of us here want good for you too) may have their opinions, judgements, ideas about what you should do and what is best for you. Try to listen, but it is your life. Do what will make you happy.
And though you have mistakes (we all have), you don't need to keep repeating them. You can learn from them, move on, and don't have to beat yourself up about it.

let us know what's up. I hope you're doing alright and hopefully got a night's rest.

Hey, it's natural that you'd have some lingering feelings. I mean, you loved this man. Feelings don't turn on and off with a switch. It makes perfect sense that there might be some lingering bits. Unfortunately, it's not all or nothing. It would be a lot easier if it was.

Before I met RP, I dated a guy for about 2 years. Total, complete and utter loser. Why did I stay with him for so long? I have no idea. But there was something about not wanting to be proven wrong, that people had told me we were not a match and I insisted we were, and I hated the fact that they had been right. But you know, being wrong isn't the worst thing in the world. Leaving him was the second best and smartest thing I ever did, because it opened me up to meeting RP (the best and smartest thing was marrying RP). But I could not go down that road and start that journey until I left that other, utterly inappropriate guy.

The journey is beginning. The initial steps are going to be small and maybe slow and you might not think you're getting anywhere. But you are. All the best to you.

Ok, I think I figured out what I am going to do. Things are settling down for the most part here at the kitkat household. Finals are over, my husband is working full time and I am going to job interviews for a position at a Vet. Clinic. My husband has been going to school attempting to recieve his bachelors in Microbiology. He only has a short amount of time here in Long Beach before he will start having to figure out where he will be going to medical school. When that time comes and he gets accepted to whatever medical school accepts him, I think that would be the best time to try and start a trial separation. He will be so busy studying to be a doctor or whatever it is he is going to be and I would love to take the opportunity to go out there and do what it is I want to do with my life. The only reason why I think that is the best time to do it is because we would have to move no matter what to wherever he needs to go. The last thing I would want to do in my life is pick up everything I am doing and move for him if we are still having these problems. Leaving my home and my family to follow him wherever he goes is one thing, but giving up on my dreams to be with him just so I can be treated the same way in a new place is something I would rather pull out of early if I can help it.
I think that a trial separation at that point would be the best because he can go off and do what it is he needs to do and I can be out there doing what it is I really want to do. It's either that or spend the rest of my life following him around and being miserable for doing it. I know most of you would rather see me out right now but I have determined that it is not the best time for me right now. I can handle things the way they are now for a little longer if it means I my reward will be so much better than anything I could have ever asked for. If I don't do this I will spend the rest of my life regretting never taking that step. I will regret following him wherever his heart desired me just so I could make him happy.
This is something I will most likely have to do even if things turn around for us. Even if things turn out great and I could never have asked for a better husband. I need to go out there and make something of myself and I just can't do that if my whole life is dedicated to him.

Is this the right decision? It feels so right to me and something I have been thinking about alot.

How short is a short time?

Do you intend to tell him he's on probation?

You mean how long will I have to live like this until I leave? I am waiting until my husband gets his Bachelors in Micro Biology. That won't be till at least may 2007. By that time I will have saved enough money from working and from my student loan checks to find a place in LA to live. He still needs to figure out what medical school he wants to go to. If I stay I could end up somewhere in the middle of nowhere. The only other place I could still continue my dream is New York. I think of this more as a trial separation, not a semi-divorce. I just want to see what my life could be like without him. It will be a completely different experience for me because I have been with him since I was 17 and I moved out of the house for the first time in my life to move in with him so I have never experienced life away from my parents on my own.

Kitkat_bar--

Your life, your timetable.

I still wonder whether you're going to tell your husband that as far as you're concerned, he's on probation for the next year. I also wonder whether he'll appreciate your opportunities for personal growth when you take a year-long Marriage Intermissions.

Still, these are details. You now have a plan and a schedule. If you must modify your plan/schedule you will have plenty of time to do so.

Good luck.

Good luck with the job interviews. Finding steady work would be great for you. It can really boost a person's confidence and fulfillment.
And you won't feel so 'stuck' once you are supporting yourself.

Have you spoken to your hubby at all about how unhappy you are? What does he think about the marriage? Perhaps you two could find an agreement somehow.

Anyways, like Noddy said, it's your life and timetable. Now go kick some butt on the job front.