P L E A S E.....POST SOMETHING FUNNY

Or 'On The Road' by Jack Kerouac, for that matter

well, never read much kerouac, but I'd guess he's a bit more, um, obscene than Abby.....?

Littlek...another true story from today. One of my employees got back a couple of days ago from touring with his band for six weeks. Just in time to see his dad have to go into the hospital. Nothing real serious, thankfully, but they did have to anesthetize him while they probed around. As he was waking up, Brenda kissed her husband on the lips. His drowsy response, according to his son, was "Thank you. Don't tell my wife."

littlek, I don't know if I would go so far as 'obscene'....his writing is pretty tame by today's standards, but 'On the Road' was a pivotal book of the Beat generation, and was considered controversial for it's time, what with the drug and sex references and all...

This is from a friend...

Hell and Thermodynamics

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home
exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (gives off heat) OR ENDOTHERMIC
(absorbs heat)? SUPPORT YOUR ANSWER WITH A PROOF."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands &
heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time, we need to know the rate that souls
are moving into Hell & the rate they are leaving. I
think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are
leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at
the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there are more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With
birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now we look at the rate of change of volume in Hell
because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster
than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Theresa
Banyan during my Freshman year, "That will be a cold
night in Hell before I sleep with you", and taking
into account the fact that I still have not succeeded
in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be
true. So Hell is EXOTHERMIC



The student got the only "A".

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her
boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure..... but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I
just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: (new 2003 version)

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is SURGICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a GRAIN ALCOHOL STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS..
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED

My ex-boss was dead on bald, entire body. I called him "folically challenged".

The very proper British couple were dating and the parents were worried seeing how formal they were with each other. They announced they were getting mariied and each set of parents anticipated the possibility they would have no grandchildren.

The night of the wedding in their hotel room they mey by the wedding bed. "Sir" she said "I offer you my honor". "Madame" he replied "I honor your offer". And all night long honor offer, honor offer.

I love this school excuses jokes....kkk

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me,he makes his own lunch."

I was wondering about translating this:

Why there is less and less marriages?

Women, for a little sausage, no longer want the whole pig...

Great Mame....got any more?

Francis, I hope someone responds.

I'm not a great joke-teller, MapleLeaf (hey, that should be my name!) unlike littlek -

I'll add more when people send them to me.

Francis: translating that into what?

Mapleleaf, I cannot PM... do you want to pm me your email?

I am in Vancouver... Canada - the Maple Leaf is on our flag... which is why I said what I said.

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!


A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"



The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey, Bud light, and Hooters chic's with big tits."

Heh, good to see this thread revived!

How 'bout a nun joke??

Ok, so 4 nuns are in a car driving and the car goes of fthe road and over a cliff. All 4 nuns are killed.

They show up at the gates of Heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter greats them all:

St. Peter: Hello Sisters. You've lived your mortal lives and as a part of that you took a vow of chasity. To enter heaven you'll each just have to anser one question.

St. Peter: Sister Mary, have you ever seen a penis?

Sister Mary: Why, yes I have. I saw one once when a man expose dhimself to me on the street.

At this point St. Peter pulls Sister Mary over to a large font, dips his hands into the holy water and rinses off her eyes.

St. Peter: Sister Mary you have been rinsed clean by this holy water. You make take your place in heaven.

With this Sister Mary enters the gates of heaven.

St,. Peter then turns to Sister Nancy.

St. Peter: Sister Nanacy, have you ever seen a penis?

Sister Nancy: Why, yes St. Peter I have. I fondled and stroked one once.

So St. Peter takes Sister Nancy over to the font and washes her hands with the holy water.

St. Peter: Sister Nancy, your sins have been rinsed away. You may enter the gates of heaven.

With that Sister Nancy proceeds to enter the gates. As she does so St. Peter notice Sister Margaret, who was last in line, and Sister Jean arguing while they wait their turn.

St. Peter approaches Sister Margaret and...

St. Peter: Sister Margaret, what is the probelm here?

Sister Margaret: Well St. Peter, you see.. I just thought I should be next and Sister Jean disagrees. But i really think I should!

St. Peter: Sister there is plenty of room in heaven. You've lived a long life waiting to get to this point, surely a few more seconds can't be all that bad can they? What could possibly cause you so much concern at this point in time?

Sister Margaret: Well St. Peter, you see, I was hoping I could gargle BEFORE you give Sister Jean her enema.

I got one...stop me if you've heard it.

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, " Is my time up"?

God said, "No. you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, iposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, " I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, " Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you."

THE OIL SHORTAGE

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in

Alberta
Newfoundland
Saskatchewan and B.C.

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in


Ottawa, Ontario

Love it....<smile>