P L E A S E.....POST SOMETHING FUNNY

Tasteless but funny:

A guy finds out he is dying, so he calls all his freinds together to play one last game of golf. Halfway through the game, he calls them all together and says: "Guys, I have to tell you, I am dying of AIDS, and this will probably be the last time I see you all."

There were condolences and sad words all around. A bit later, his best friend pulls him aside and asks: "Buddy, why did you tell them you were dying of AIDS? You have Cancer...."

He says: "You think I want them screwing my wife when I'm gone?"

Funny, cav...........and Diane your's was very funny. Continue..........I'm enjoying...........

A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. He searches for other survivors, finds none, and settles in to wait for rescuers.

He figures out how to make a fire. He finds a source of fresh water. He eats coconuts and fish. He builds a tent out of palm branches, but usually sleeps under the stars.

After waiting for rescuers for a few months, he begins to lose hope.

One day, a woman appears on his stretch of beach. She tells him that she, too, was shipwrecked here. She's been exploring the island, and is pretty sure that they are the only two people on the island. She invites him to see what she's done with her side of the island.

She takes the man to a hidden, shady area he'd never found before. She shows the man her two-story hut, filled with comfortable hand-carved furniture. He's very impressed with her skills and ingenuity, building such a nice, sturdy place. She invites him to use her indoor bathroom, shave with a sharpened stone, and get cleaned up. He is amazed with the indoor plumbing she's built into her little house.

She offers him a drink. "Oh, no thanks, I've gotten a little tired of coconut milk," he says. She explains that she's actually built a little distillery where she makes rum, and offers him a pina colada.

The man is absolutely amazed at her ingenuity by now.

The woman then sits down very close to the man, and looks up at him. "You know we're the only two people here... Is there anything else you would like to do? Something you haven't been able to do for a long, long time?"

The man's eyes widen even further. He responds, "You mean I can check my email from here?!?"

Subject: catholic school


Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of to help his math! Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't ******* around."

I'm feeling a lot better...keepem coming folks!

A man walks into a Lexus dealership. He browses around, then spots the
perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As he bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes him.

A little embarrassed, he looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
his little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As he turns back, sure enough, here standing next to him is a salesman.

"Good day, Sir, How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably he asks, "Sir, what is the price of this magnificent
vehicle?"

He answers, "Sir, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shiiit when
you hear the price".

P L E A S E.....POST SOMETHING FUNNY
A writer was down in the Caribbean looking for a good story on pirates. In a waterfront bar he found an old sailor with a black patch over one eye a hook in place of a hand and a peg leg. He sat and offered to buy him drinks if he could hear how it happened.
The old man said "We were boarding a ship when one of the seamen knocked me overboard. A shark took my leg. After the peg leg we set to sea again and found a ship which we attacked. Once aboard during the fight a cutlass cut off my hand. When we reached shore I had the hook put."
"What about the patch over your eye?" the writer asked.
He replied "Happened the same day. We were sailing out of port and I looked up just as a seagull let loose. Got me right in the eye."
" You mean the dropping made you lose the eye?"
"No--I forgot about the hook."

An old Scotsman is talking to a visitor about his life.

"I've done some great things in my life, but nobody ever recognizes them. Do you see that wall out there?" He points out the window at a stone wall that stretches as far as you can see in the fog in either direction. "I spent five years of my life building that wall. Stone by stone I put it up, making sure each piece fit perfectly with the next piece so as it would last for centuries. Five years of back breaking labor. But does anyone call be 'Angus the Wall-Builder?' No!

"And that's not all I've done. Do you see those boats out in the harbor? I've worked on every single one of those boats. Patching holes, mending keels, replacing masts, sewing sails. All my life I've spent keeping those boats afloat. But do they call me 'Angus the shipwright?' No, they do not!

"And did you see the statues outside the church on your way into town, and all of the beautiful headstones? Who do you think carved every single one of those? 'Twas I! But do they call me 'Angus the Stone Mason!' No, again, I can tell you, they call me no such thing!

"Aye, but shag one sheep..."

A man comes home early from work at the factory. He is despondent.

"What's the matter?" his wife asks him.

"I got fired," he says.

"What for?" she asks.

"I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer."

"Oh my god! What did you do that for? Are you all right?" wife asks.

"All right? Well, except for losing my job, I'm fine," the man says, confused.

The wife is silent for a moment, frowns, wrinkles her brow. Then she comes up with another question. "What happened to the pickle-slicer?" she asks.

"Oh," says the man, "she got fired, too."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.He inquired of God :-"Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.
"Look Michael, look what I've made." Said God.
Archangel Michael look puzzled and said :-"What is it?"
"It's a planet" replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor, The Middle East over there will be a hot spot while Russia, over there, will be freezing. Over there I placed a continent of white people and over there I have a continent of Black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely arid and hot while this one will be cold and covered in
ice."
The Archangel, impressed by gods work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's this one then?". "Ah" said god, "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams,mountains and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found travelling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving,and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace and stability."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed
"What about BALANCE God? You said there will be BALANCE!!!!!"
God replied wisely
"Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in France!!"
.

Hmmm. I thought the balance would be in the inedible food they had to eat.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to line him up ten shots of whiskey. He then begins to drink them very quickly. "Why are you drinking so fast?" asks the bartender. "If you had what I have you'd drink fast too" says the guy. "What've you got?" asks the barkeep.

The guy replies "Seventy five cents".

ok, this is an old, dumb joke, but I'll tell it anyway. It pleases me for some unknown reason.

While walking past a pet store, a woman (we'll call her Opal) sees a cute little furry animal in the window. It's not a dog or cat, you can't even see it's face.

Upon entering the store, Opal asks, "what's that furry little creature in the window?"

"Oh," answers the pet shop owner, "that's a woolie booger. That little guy is a great mouser."

Taking the woolie booger out of the window and placing a mouse beside him, the man says, "Woolie Booger. Mouse."

And, "gobble gobble gobble munch munch" the mouse is gone. The WB eats the mouse so quickly no one even sees the event occur.

Opal gets really excited and says she wants to buy the little woolie booger creature.

"But he'll only obey a man's voice, lady," says the man.

"I don't care," says Opal, insistently.

"Ok, lady," says the man, "I won't argue with ya."

So Opal returns home with her new pet. And he's a cutie too. He's very well behaved and loyal. As Opal prepares for bed and then settles down to read, the Woolie Booger snoozes on the foot of her bed.

Finally, Opal hears her husband returning home. He's drunk again and will probably be in a belligerent mood.

"Whazat funny lookin thing on the bed?" asks Opal's husband, Sam without even so much as a hello.

"Oh, hi Sam," says Opal. "That's my new pet. He's a Woolie Booger."

Sam, drunk and feeling mean has never heard of a Woolie Booger, so raising his voice, he yells................ "Woolie Booger my ass!"

Dang....that ruins my "Voodoo dick my ass" joke...well, here is one that amused me:

How is your geography...

A man from rural Jamaica arrived at the Norman Manley Airport in Kingston, burdened down by his luggage, passport, and all the necessary tidbits for a prolonged journey. Looking around anxiously he finally approached a ticket counter, and told the agent: "Please do, sell mi a ticket fi go a Jeopardy, Miss." The agent looked confused."Jeopardy, Sir? Where is that?" she answered. The man, ever more nervous and agitated
replied: "Mi nuh haf no time fi fool roun'. Jus' gi mi a ticket to Jeopardy." The agent searched through her schedules and other directories. "Excuse me, Sir, but there is no such place! Are you sure that's where you need to travel?" The man lost his temper and slammed his fist on the counter. "Look, 'ooman. Mi done tell you alreddy mi nuh haf time fi fool. Mi hear pon mi radio dis mawning sey 900 jobs inna Jeopardy; so ah deh so mi need fi go NOW!"

This was good too:


A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we are going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you..We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen"

Wow, I'm loving this. OK, here' some computer haiku:

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again.

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

What's red, and has seven little dents in it?

Snow White's cherry.

Why did they cancel the Miss Ebonics Beauty paegent?

Nobody wanted to be Miss Idaho...

This is why some pets kill their owners:

Cjhsa! That's histerical!

OK, my funny today. From real life. One of the kids I care for and were hanging out on the kitchen floor. She asked me to play with her. She was drawing. I started to do something and she told I wasn't playing right (in effect) so, I stopped and said I was going to just read. I asked if she wanted me to read out loud to her (she's not quite 3 years old). She assented, I started.....

"Hey, there are no people in that book."
"You mean pictures? Nope, no pictures. Shall I read some more?"
She got real quite and said, "just do it quieter".

Ok, maybe you had to be there. And maybe you shouldn't read a 3 year old On The Road with Edward Abby.