Wife not interested.

My immediate answer is have an affair but I doubt youd do that.
I dont think its fair for any partner to deny sex to the other (unless partner is unkind/an a***hole etc)

You sound very kind, maybe too kind.
I know this sounds mad but us ladies sometimes like a guy to act differently.In your case try not doing the washing up, be inconsiderate.
Cause some kind of alpha male argument.
Sounds like she needs to see a different you.

Hmm, that sounds a little dangerous, I was gonna say something similar-ish, though:

Specifically, I think there may be a male/ female divide on attractiveness here. Males are usually more visually oriented -- "you look hot"/ "you don't look hot." Females are often (not always! but I'm going from what you say here) more behavior oriented. "Oooh, you have been complimenting me and winking at me and took me out to dinner and made me laugh -- you're hot!"

As in, if you haven't been doing some sort of wooing/ date sort of thing, I'd suggest doing so -- make her feel wanted, see where that gets you. You may have to do it a few times so she doesn't feel like it's just that you want to get in her pants (though of course you do ); it could backfire big time if you do it once, she doesn't want to, and then you get all sulky and stop trying.

That's all in terms of what you can maybe do to help alleviate the situation -- I don't want to imply that it's your fault, at all, since I completely agree that it's plain not fair for her to try to cut out sex entirely and expect you to live with that. Just, you can only control your own behavior.

How does SHE feel about how she looks? For a lot of women, feeling desirable has a lot to do with feeling desire.

Sorry you're in such a difficult position. I'd suggest getting your daughter out of the way somehow (baby sitter, family member, whatever), and going on a few proper dates with your wife, just the two of you, and seeing if that helps anything. If it doesn't (and it would require some time, the dates themselves and also the more general attitude around them), I'd suggest counselling -- could always start with that, too.

Good luck.

Maybe you could go away for a week or so, see if she misses you at all.

Withholding affection is extremely passive-aggressive, imo. You have 2 options-- well, 3, if you consider having an affair-- either put up with it in the hope that she'll come round or leave. Frankly, without the help of a good therapist, I doubt she'll just spontaneously realize what a wonderful guy you are and welcome you back in the marriage bed. So you either have to follow her advice and leave, find a sweet young thing to have a fling with or get used to dating your right hand.

Thats just the thing material girl , i used to do nothing except work. since our daughter was born, My wife said half the problem was that i worked much too long hours (i used to be in international sales) and she was doing all the work. So i gave it up and now work less, so i could do more.

I have tried the alpha male thing, i just get grief. I was on Tv looking after Mariah carey, girls aloud etc etc, she says well do one of them then, i dont care.!!! I went out salsa dancing with 10 brazillian girls in london, she did not bat an eyelid. But said if i did do one she would leave.

She says she is just not sexual at all. She used to be! I have offered if she wants a 3 some? girl boy? i dont know , she has refused. I try to talk she will not!

It would be easy to have an affair. I work in london hotels where i am well liked by plenty of girls, and they have made it known!


I love my wife and daughter and i do not want my daughter growing up without a father living there, i do not believe in it.

My wife is just not bothered, all her friends are single parents. its easy in the uk now.

what else do i try!? has anybody gone completely celebate for a while to see if it works??? i do not know if my wife would ask questions or get bothered? there must be a way to maybe insult her "womanlyness?" sort of thing?

help!

Dude, I don't know what you did, but she sounds like one pissed off broad!

exactly nothing. Her mother is the same to her step father. i do not see any way to change.

Then it won't.

Sounds like you may have already made your decision, here...

What would make sense to me from what you've said here -- and would be fixable -- is that she feels like she's just the one who's available when you're horny, and you'd rather be doing all these other people you have access to. So she lashes out as a way of preserving power.

I think if you put some effort into convincing her that you find her desirable, there may be improvement. But it's no guarantee, at all, and not sure if you're in the mental place to be able to do that.

Is counselling an option? Why not, if not?

Well then, if you see no way to change this behavior and she doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with it, absent the intervention of a good marriage counselor I'd say that nothing is going to change! So you have a decision to make. I've been there, done that and I personally don't recommend the "hang around and hope she'll change" option. In my experience, that just prolongs the agony. And what do you think it's teaching your daughter about adult relationships? 10 to 1 she'll wind up treating her husband as grammy treats gramps and as mom treated dad.

Seeing how many women put up with violent, selfish and cheating men, it is truly sad your wife does not realize what kind of treasure she seems to have found.

However, I have no advice for the two of you, besides seeing a counsellor.

From what you say, I do believe that you love your wife.
Do you believe your wife loves you?
If so, she has to see, that she has to put something in to make the marriage work.
If not, leave her, try and get custody of your daughter, and start anew.

Good luck!

yep, this is what i have been thinking, i have been trying for so long. She will not see a councillor, i have even made an appointment. She would not go.

She does not want to change. and even will not talk about it. I think it runs in her whole family, everyone is divorced and been married 3 or 4 times. But i wanted more for my daughter. And over in the UK the wife always gets custody.

I just cannot understand how hard could it be for her to put effort in??

Oh and i do take her on dates, at least 3 times a month, we went to the carribean last year, and have 2 holidays booked this year. Also because i work in hotels i often get rooms free as a perk, proper suites too! and nice dinners where i always make an effort to compliment her.



I should have married a nice american gal!

I just wanted more for my daughter.

I think the only last thing to do is completely change and become detatched, to go out more and just act as if i have totally had enough. but how long should i keep that up!?

Your wife says that "she's not sexual at all" and I've heard about and seen a few programs about women who have lost their desire to have sex and since she doesn't seem to be having an affair, there might be something medical going on there.

Just a thought.

Oof.

Might be time for an ultimatum -- counseling or goodbye.

I know nothing about custody laws in the UK, that definitely makes a difference.

Sometimes you just have to turn mother's picture to the wall and get out. Hire the best attorney money can buy and go for as much custody/visitation as you can get.

It's so difficult when there are children involved :-(

Yes, but it's more problematic for the kid(s) to be raised in a dysfunctional home.

It is not true, that in the UK the wife always gets custody.
I have been living with a British guy for six years, and his daughter, who he had sole custody of was living with us.

It might not be easy, but since you seem to be the one really caring for her, I think you'd stand a good chance.

Well said.

Well, before you give up completely, may I suggest ...

I've heard that men get motivated by sight, whereas women get motivated by being touched.

Start at a seemingly non sexual place, like her feet. Scratch her feet and all her other non sexual places.

I used to tell my boyfriend, if you want to touch me HERE, you need to touch me everywhere else first.

When he starts, I don't feel any PRESSURE to proceed, I'm just enjoying being completely soothed. But before too long I'm peeling my clothes off for more scratching.

What do you mean, "There's no foreplay"?

Foreplay goes on 24/7.

If you try caring for the rest of her body, really caring, her level of desire might change.

I think, just maybe, you could try to discover how to be the best lover possible.

Maybe I'm out of order here, but your slant in your postings seems to be, "Hey, my wife won't make love to me," instead of, "Hey, I can't make my wife feel desire."