Vartanik jokes

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I'd never heard of them before, but apparently, they're an Armenian thing. Armenian jokes. They kind of remind me of Jewish jokes.

Here's a few from Armenianteens.com (yes, thats really what the site is called and no, its not what you're thinking).

Quote:

Math Class

Vartanik returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked `How much is 2x3` I said "6" replies Vartanik. "But that`s right!" "Yeah, but then she asked me `How much is 3x2?`" "What`s the ******* difference?" asks the father. "That`s what I said!"

Quote:

Freezer

One day Vartanik dies and goes to heaven. He meets a guy up their named Gurgen. One day Gurgen says: "Vartanik , how did you die?" Vartanik says: "I froze to death . What about you ?" Gurgen says : " I thought my wife was cheating on me so i searched the whole house to find a guy . When i didn`t find the guy , i had a heart attack and died ." Vartanik says: " You stupid moron , if u checked the freezer , we both would have been alive now."

Quote:

Teacher

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"? She calls on little Vartanik. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Vartanik says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that`s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Vartanik replied, "The correct answer is `the one with the wedding ring on,` but I like your thinking."

Quote:

Heaven

In class the teacher asks the students which part of your body goes to heaven first? some students say the heart because Jesus is in our heart. some say the mind because you pray. vartanik raises his hand and says our legs! the teacher is very surprised so she asks vartanik why do you think its the legs? and vartanik says because last night I saw my mom her legs spread out and raised in the air she was screaming "ohh god I'm coming"

Quote:

My Son

Vartanik and his three friends are telling stories in a bar. Vartanik leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.

The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he`s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out he got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he`s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he`s so rich that he just gave his best friend a million in stock for his birthday."

Vartanik comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I`m embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he`s gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."

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The jokes stay the same, but the names change!

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OK, but here's some Armenian (inside) jokes that will puzzle you if nothing else ... they kinda intrigue me ...

Quote:

Reasons Why Armenians Cant Be Terrorists

1. 8:45 am is too early for us to be up.

2. We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights.

3. Pretty people on the plane distract us.

4. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.

5. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there.

6. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our weapons down.

7. We would ALL want to fly the plane.

8. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.

9. We can't keep a secret, we would have told everyone a week before doing it.

10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield. :p>

11.Our parents would say no.

12.We wouldn't want to pay that much for a ticket.

13.God would cease giving the Armenians kudos for being the first Christian nation.

14.We would start arguing about who is more Armenian.

15.Someone would start playing rabiz and everyone would want to play something else thus resulting in a fight.

16.Someone would claim "dibs" on a pretty person on the pretty plane and start a fight resulting in a black eye(s).

17.We would start telling Turkish racist jokes and never stop.

18.We would start telling people on the plane about the Armenian genocide and the Evil Turks and the plane would land before we were through.

19.We'd try to bring the price of peanuts down.

20.We'd find Ryan on the plane and want to kill him.

Quote:

The Are You an Armenian Test

Take this self scoring test and find out!
Give yourself one point for each "yes" you give to the following statements:

1. You have at least one Persian rug or crocheted tablecloth.
2. You frequently use expressions like "oaf, eeh, and eyaah."
3. You talk with your hands when you're on the phone.
4. You have at least one inlaid tavli board in your closet.
5. You have philo dough, string cheese or See's candy in your freezer.
6. You think Fresno is the capital of California.
7. You get five o'clock shadow at two-thirty. (men)
8. You serve hummus and tabbouleh with your taco chips.
9. You don't buy anything unless you can get it for at least 50%off.
10. You have at least one fruit tree and a patch of cilantro growing in your back yard.
11. You save string and toothpicks from restaurants.
12. You think a "chinook" is a shelf to display your teapots.
13. You have a crock of clarified butter under your sink.
14. You have a picture of Mt. Ararat hanging in your garage.
15. You have a jar of tuttu in your refrigerator or a box of Uncle Ben's converted rice in your pantry.
16. You think the Star Trek Kardasians are an ancient Armeniantribe.
17. You shovel food on other people's plates when they aren'tlooking
18. You think pilaf is one of the four food groups.

Super bonus points:
1. Add two points if you've ever told anyone that former California Governor George Deukmejian was a relative.
2. Add two points if you have a video tape of old "Mannix" reruns.
3. Add five points if you have a recording of Charles Aznavour.

Interpreting your score:
0-5 points: Let's face it, you're not an Armenian.
6-10 points: You probably know a lot of Armenians or are married to one.
11-15 points: Chances are extremely high that you're Armenian.
15-20 or more: There's no doubt about it, you'll never fool anyone.You're probably planning a trip to the old country right now.

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I lived in Little Armenia (not literally, as far as I know, but might as well have been) when I lived in L.A. and this stuff really rings true! Our next-door neighbors were Armenian and oooh, the fruit trees they had (and they'd give us bumper crops, yum).

A lot of it is general "ethnic" -- talking with hands, five-o-clock shadow at 2:30 -- and as dlowan says, most all of the jokes in the first post are familiar if with different names. Some of 'em are general oppressed minority (arguing about who is more Armenian -- seen my Gally thread, anyone?)

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