Life with Luigi: Confessions of a misfit mommy.

jespah wrote:

FreeDuck wrote:
Chai Tea wrote:
I don't want any kid to feel like that.

I understand the sentiment behind this, I really do. But it's a rite of passage. All kids WILL feel like that at some point, no matter what the adults in their lives do to prevent it (and sometimes because of what the adults in their lives do to prevent it). I think it's important to try to avoid having a kid stigmatized unnecessarily, but that's about as much as anyone can do.

Of course, but shouldn't the corollary also be true -- trying to not set up these kinds of situations? If it's at all possible. I'm not saying to become neurotic about it, but at the same time, if the situation is a known quantity, and something can be done about it, why not do something about it? It can be with Mo's consent and input. Mo, let's pick out school clothes. As in, clothes only for school. Nothing controlling about that, is there?

No, not at all. That's kind of what I meant when I said it's important to avoid unnecessary stigmatization. But I also totally agree with what soz said about kids being drawn to other kids who are not self-conscious (if I read that right) and not afraid to do their own thing. That's what makes this such a tough issue. It's a lot better to talk to Mo about it in terms of appropriateness and not in terms of what other kids will think, even if that's the driving concern.

BTW, boomer, I totally love the fact that he can be so creative and make his costumes out of anything. And I bet other kids his age will love it too when they get to play with him.

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I think in every child's life there is a point where they wish the world would open up and swallow them whole to avoid the utter humiliation parents can cause.

It is a hard lesson to learn that your parents still get to be people independant of yourself.

It is the corallary that I'm really thinking about - avoiding the target opportunity. It isn't a school issue yet.

Laughing and smiling can mean a lot of other things besides "how adorable". For the most part I think it means "there but for the grace of God, go I".

eoe, you have reminded me of a conversation I had with my purple haired, face pierced neice about why her mom was so upset about her appearance. I said "she just doesn't want you to make things harder on yourself than they have to be". I think that is what I'm driving at here with Mo's costumes. I don't want things to be harder than they have to be.

And yeah, about the whole popularity thing, soz. Kids clique up no matter what. You cannot smash them into any particular group. The group alone has that choice.

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Exactly. That's part of what I'm getting at about how it's only MAY, too. It might be a total non-issue by the time school starts, and I've found that behaviors that are allowed to just naturally taper off stay gone and with fewer recpercussions than behaviors that are more forcibly removed.

Of course, some plain need to be removed, but that comes back to, is this one of them? NOW, in these circumstances, as described, I don't think so.

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(Exactly was in reaction to eoe btw. Also good points from FreeDuck and boomer, and yeah, self-consciousness is what I was getting at. I certainly knew a lot of kids in school who were just so AWARE and TRIED so hard and it was the very trying that got them in trouble with those who enjoyed finding and pouncing on vulnerabilities.)

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Two more random-ish thoughts:

- I think location makes some difference here. We're talking Portland, Oregon, which isn't known for being particularly stuffy. If it was some small rural town in Kansas there may be different concerns.

- The other day, when talking to sozlet's preschool teachers, I was thinking that it is going to be SO great for you (boomer) to have someone similar in your life (Mo's kindergarten teacher). You've gone through this whole experience without any particular institutional/ expert support, and it's going to be amazing to be able to talk about all of these things with someone who really KNOWS Mo, who sees him every day and can give you expert advice informed by first-hand knowledge. I hope the teacher is a great one.

This (though I only just figured it out) is part of why I keep saying some variation of contact Mo's teacher now, as I think it's a relationship that will end up being extremely useful to you, and why not get that started?

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Yes. Portland is very much a live and let live place.

But do you remember my thread about Beauty and her trip to Paris where she was informed that her particular sense of style might not be appropriate?

We won't know who his teacher is until school is getting ready to start - that is when you register (as opposed to enroll (?)) and find out which class and all that.

I know exactly what you mean about kids that try to hard. Adults do that too. Makes me insane.

I remember how my family went from dirt poor to medium rich in the span of a few years (before finally settling somewhere in the middle). Keeping up appearances during the "rich" years was the biggest pain in the ass and could be why riches don't particularly intrest me.

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boomerang wrote:

We won't know who his teacher is until school is getting ready to start - that is when you register (as opposed to enroll (?)) and find out which class and all that.

Ah, OK.

So looks like the contact will have to be delayed, but I think that's gonna be really good for you when it does happen. It was huge for me -- scary but thrilling to let in these other adults on the parenting journey, and I'm eternally grateful that they were so damn wonderful. (Only two weeks of class left, I'm getting maudlin, gonna miss them so much!) Hope that Mo's teacher is every bit as good.

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DrewDad wrote:

I'm gonna hang with Chai, Green Witch, and Jespah.

There is a time and a place for every behavior, and every game. Some games are appropriate for the home or neighborhood, some are appropriate for school.[snip]

None of this has squashed her creativity; she still plays at being a nice monster that hugs people.

Every social situation has its appropriate/socially acceptable behaviors.

The time and place phrase really bounced around my head as I started reading this last night, and it was a head-nod when I read DrewDad's post.

I get a sense that Mo is developing a sense of 'time and place' appropriateness. boomer, you posted about him helping your neighbours in their garden - he knew how to behave with them.

The boomer family triad has an additional factor, I think, in the 'time and place' equation - and that is Mo's social promiscuity [I think that's what you called it]. He needs to know that people [outside of the immediate boomer circle] will like him for who he is, not for how he's so well able to adjust to what he knows other people will like.

A really tough balance to maintain. How to be not too different, and not too eager to modify to be pleasing.

Mo's going through the regular kid stuff - with a good extra layer of mom-needs-to-be-awareness to help him through it.

~~~~~~~~

Will Mo have the opportunity to be in any daycamp activities this summer?

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Some kids have charisma and some don't.

I don't think the vacuum cleaner hose should go to school--kindergarten is not a costume party--but Mo may have the strength of character to turn vacuum cleaner hoses into imaginative accessories for the entry class tots.

Some kids are nerds--other kids are trend setters.

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Yes, eBeth, Mo is going to zoo camp towards the end of summer. I think that will be good practice for him.

And, yes, he is very socially promiscious. He is charismatic -- and I'm not saying this in a bragging way by any stretch of the imagination. I do worry about the whole "pleasing" aspect. Perhaps beguiling would be a better descriptor.

I do worry what kind of props a kindergarten classrom might provide for improvosational Mo, Noddy.

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Boomer--

Quote:

I do worry what kind of props a kindergarten classrom might provide for improvosational Mo, Noddy.

That's why kindergarten teachers have taken specialized courses in Early Childhood Development. They are trained to admire the creativity--and to help kids with concepts such as, "This is counting time, not Luigi Time."

Be sure Mo understands and uses the concepts of "Please", "Thank you", "Excuse me", and "I'm sorry". He should apply these verbal social lubricants even when in costume. Polite oddballs have a lot more leeway than rude (or untutored) oddballs.

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Polite and respectful. It's never too early for them to learn to treat people the way they want to be treated.

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What do you mean by socially promiscuous?

is that a new phrase?

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Outgoing, I'm guessing. You know, the kind of child who will talk to anybody.

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Not to go off on a tangent, but then why not just say "outgoing"?

all these buzzwords....makes things seem so much more than they are....

I thought maybe socially promisceous meant he was showing people his jellyfish or something.

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I'm only guessing Chai. Perhaps showing people his jellyfish is exactly what Boomerang means.

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I haven't met Mo. I'm interpreting.

Think about sociability as a spectrum.

Some five year olds are hanging onto Mommie's skirts with both hands. If a stranger says "Hello" they cringe.

Some five year olds will smile if a stranger smiles first.

Some five year olds smile most of the time.

Some five year olds initiate eye contact and smiles with strangers.

Some five year olds strike up conversations with strangers.

Mo is at the gregarious end of this spectrum. Articulate, self-confident and utterly undiscriminating as to whether his new friend is a Nice Person to Know.

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Boomer, I never meant to imply that I thought you weren't teaching Mo proper behaviors; I was using examples from what's going on with Yaya because we aren't at the starting Kindergarden stage....

Another aspect of the costuming may be control. Perhaps he could choose from three or four proposed outfits on school days.

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That's got to be one of the hardest things for a parent to teach a child. How to know who to trust. In my car yesterday, I stopped at a red light alongside a school bus. A little boy looked out of the window and waved. Naturally I smiled and waved back. That's the kind of little thing that makes my day. I wave at kids alot, in grocery stores and such, and less and less, as time goes by, do they wave back.

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Noddy is pretty on target explaining Mo's promiscuity. It is not meant in any kind of sexual nature but he is very indiscriminate about strangers. He can be suspicious of people he knows but is completely trusting of strangers.

Not only will he strike up conversations but he will plop himself down beside them and keep them engaged. He will crawl into their laps and invite them to the house.

I, of course, intervene but people are typically quite charmed by his behavior thinking that they alone elicit this response. They don't know that he will do it at every available opportunity.

He is not particularly outgoing but he is promiscuious.

It scares the **** out of me.

Perhaps it is a buzzword in the arena of people dealing with attachment disorders. But it is an apt descriptor and nothing else really hits it so I use it.

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Life with Luigi: Confessions of a misfit mommy.

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