Some recent political barbs

Late-Night Political Jokes


"During a Pentagon briefing, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said we're making progress and we're very close to capturing some high ranking officials. Unfortunately they are all retired U.S. generals." --Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao] will also be visiting the White House. China's president meets America's president. President Hu meets President Huh." --Jay Leno

"A retired Air Force colonel said that U.S. military operations are already under way in Iran. You know what that means, time to break out the old 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --Jay Leno

"The Department of Homeland Security announced they will be ready to deal with hurricanes in the future. Like today, they called their cable company and ordered the weather channel." --Jay Leno

"The Bush administration says they want to declare all golf course water hazards as protected wetlands. It's part of their plan to save restricted country clubs." --David Letterman

"The big story continues to be that seven retired generals have come forward and called for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to step down. In response to that, President Bush said he fully supports Rumsfeld. You know what that means? Sounds like somebody's going on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Rumsfeld is defiant. He says he is not backing down and he says he's going to stick around and let people criticize him for the Iranian invasion." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney's getting a tax refund of $1.9 million. How do you get a $1.9 million refund when your salary is $205,000 a year? How does that work? ... Apparently, he's writing off the guns and ammo as business expenses." --Jay Leno

"Today was the big Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn. They didn't call it a hunt this year in case Cheney showed up. ... Tom DeLay. Did you see him? He was busy dying his eggs with the same stuff he uses on his hair" --Jay Leno

"A UCLA study shows 7% of people still believe in the Easter Bunny. I believe these are the same people who believe President Bush is doing a good job in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"But not all the generals are against him. He still has the support of a lot of generals: General Electric, General Dynamics, General Motors." --Jay Leno, on generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation

"President Bush issued an Easter proclamation that said, 'This is a season of renewal and for remembering that hope overcomes despair.' Then he said, 'And let's not forget those delicious marshmallow peeps.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It was so nice down in Washington, D.C. today that President Bush was leaking classified documents in the park." --David Letterman

"It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman

""Yesterday was the beginning of Passover, or as President Bush calls it, 'The Jewish Easter.' ... You all know the story: Moses crossed the border with thousands of people. ... He wandered the desert for 40 years. No, I'm sorry that's the Republicans' plan for illegal immigrants." --Jay Leno

"They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every year. Remember in the last election when the Democrats claimed there was two Americas? Turns out one of them was Mexico." --Jay Leno

"I don't know why President Bush can't leak us information that we can actually use, like tell us when Dick Cheney is going hunting again." --Jay Leno

"He was booed. Cheney said he was very surprised. He thought he'd be greeted as a liberator with flowers and candy." --David Letterman, on Cheney throwing out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener

"President Bush announced his new fitness plan to get people walking again. It's called, 'Gasoline at $3 a gallon.' ... Given how expensive gas is, today, I saw a van with 50 legal Americans inside it." --Jay Leno

"The White House will celebrate Passover. That's when President Bush will take a secret, classified document and pass it over to a reporter." --Jay Leno

"The bad news is Iran is capable of making a nuclear bomb. The good news is they have to drop it from a camel." --David Letterman

"President Bush is 59 years old. He's the same age as I am. And he gets up two or three times a night to leak classified documents." --David Letterman