What do YOU feel about your spouse and 3rd parties?

No 'strict' rules.

That just leads to trouble.

Agree with ehBeth, but that is an interesting question well put.

Well there are clearly a couple of ways of looking at this. Either one approach could permit infidelity and even encourage it, or the other could.

Interesting question.

That is certainly true.

Not sure the rules matter as much as the method by which you arrive at them; communication, and the resulting consensus, is the key.

Having said that, if I ever caught anyone fooling around with my wife I would break his white cane and shoot his dog.

(Sorry, old jokes sometimes just slip out)

I chose the first option. If I can't trust my spouse, why would I be married to him? Just seems odd to me to think neither of us would be allowed to "appreciate" the attractiveness of the opposite sex for ever and ever. Looking doesn't hurt as long as it's done without making negative comparisons to ones spouse.

Then again, jealousy has never been my thing.

If you can't trust your spouse, what makes you think you can trust them to adhere to any rules you can come up with?

blacksmithn is a genius.

BTW, your options imply that all relationships between married people and individuals of the opposite sex are sexually charged. This is simply not true.

Very good point, Eva. I have plenty of relationships with women who are my friends-- one of them is my closest friend in the world, in fact-- and wouldn't think of jeopardizing my friendships by introducing sexual aspects into the mix.

Yeah, the word 'allowed' troubles me. I can't imagine a strong relationship where there are rules in place for what each party is allowed to do. I wouldn't be married very long to someone who wanted any of this defined.

Yes, very much agreed with Eva.

Plus, the implication is that the value of spending time with 3rd parties is to feel desireable -- this is not at all what I (and others) were saying. The point is much more that no one person can or should be everything to another. This has little to do with sexuality and a lot more to do with interests (sports, fashion, politics) humor (silly, dry, ironic) taste in books (mysteries, chick lit, biographies) and on and on.

My husband is probably my best friend, yes... but he's not my only friend, by a long shot.

For the record, I'm not really a genius. I only play one on A2K...

I have lots of different relationships with men. Many are business relationships. Some are friendships. Some are spiritual (church). Some are relatives. Some are acquaintances I serve on non-profit boards with. Some are political buddies. Some are neighbors. These men range in age from their mid-20s to their 70s. Some of them are single, some are attached, some are married, and some are gay.

I cannot imagine living my life by excluding half the human race from possible relationships. Nor could I imagine imposing such a rule on anyone else.

It all comes down to trust.

Would you consider telling your wife she shouldn't go into stores because she might be tempted to shoplift?

The world is full of men and women, and they interact regularly, on many levels. This is as it should be.

Making rules is a way to control your partner. People don't like to be controlled. They DO like to be trusted. If you make rules about this, eventually she will resent your controlling behavior and will believe you don't really trust her. That will threaten your marriage far more than any other man ever could. Don't go there.

Agreeing.

Still, while I agree, I think it would be swell if both partiess understood all this, and they often don't, harrumph.

Terms like rules and allowing imply a parent-child relationship more than a spousal one. My husband and I don't "let" each other do anything. Or not do anything. We're simply not in that kind of a standpoint vis a vis each other. If he told me, "I'll let you go out tonight." or some other such nonsense, well, we wouldn't have wed in the first place and wouldn't stay married. We're both grownups. Neither is the parent to the other. "Letting" doesn't fit anywhere in the equation.

As for the relationships with members of the opposite sex always being or mostly being sexually charged, that's not the case at all. A few years ago, I used to go into town every Weds. to have lunch with three guys I used to work with. Every single week. Sometimes only 2 or even 1 of them was there for lunch, sometimes all 3 and every now and then they brought along another friend. I was always the only woman there. 2 were single (1 of whom has since married) and young. And it was never a sexual thing for me or, so far as I'm aware, them, even though they hugged and kissed me on the cheek every time they saw me and vice versa.

It simply doesn't have to be that way.

Re: What do YOU feel about your spouse and 3rd parties?
I'm still stuck on this thought



It simply doesn't relate to my life experience. At all.

Re: What do YOU feel about your spouse and 3rd parties?


I am wondering though, as to whether this concept is related to irishhusband's experience? I would suspect that if a person grew up in an environment where cheating was a part of what he saw as a youngster, that he/she would come to the conclusion that "everyone cheats".

Irishhusband. What do YOU say? Are you projecting your OWN perceptions on everyone? Do you think that, given the circumstances, that you might cheat on your wife? Think about it.