Am I uncomfortable about this for no reason?

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Hi, I am new here with a question that has concerned me over the past couple of days.

My wife and I married young (I was 21, she was 20). We have now been married for 5 years. She grew up in a very conservative family and I was her first boyfriend (she was my first girlfriend also). We have a wonderful marriage and a great 3 year old boy who we both adore. We're both affectionate and constantly express love for each other and care about each other's emotional needs. Most of our spare time is spent together when we're not working, and with family.... we don't get out and socialize a lot with any other adults really.

My wife is on an internet forum connected with her profession, who recently arranged a trip to Las Vegas for a convention. My wife didn't go to Vegas for the convention but went to meet the people on her forum and booked a hotel room for the night. She asked me if I would like to go with her, but I said NAW it's your kind of thing and I'd just be in the way. So she went, and had a GREAT time - in fact it shocked me how great a time she had - I hadn't seen her so obviously have so much fun almost our whole marriage.

She came back home and told me all about it. There was a group consisting of both guys and girls, most were married but were there without their spouses, met up in Vegas and got all dressed up (my wife wore a very sexy dresses and had her makeup done by one of the other girls) - they took lots of pictures, and went out on the town. It seems from the pictures that it was kind of... um, uninhibited! They went to a Tequila Bar and my wife got everyone drinks because she was cute and attracted the attention of the barman. She says she didn't get drunk, but had about 3 drinks. Everyone else seems to have gotten totally sloshed. There were at least a couple of guys who took a shine to her, but she was able to enforce her boundaries it seems very well (except for the fact that the one guy, who she thought was just being friendly, tagged along all day with her, even calling her at her hotel room at the end of the night "to make sure she was ok and made it back to her room safely"). By the way, by the time she got a taxi back to her hotel room (decided not to drive) it was 3am.

Now. I've never seen my wife in this kind of environment, EVER. We've never done anything remotely like this together. She freely admits she's never done anything like this before. She's never been full-out drunk (to my knowledge). I've never seen her want to stay up until 3am before. I told her that if I had known what kind of a night it would turn out to be, I wouldn't have been comfortable with her going alone, meeting up with people she met on the internet, drinking and in mixed-sex company.

Was I feeling uneasy about what could have happened for no good reason? I like to think that we feel free to let each other have a good time, but really, I want to be part of any new experiences with her if at all possible. I don't want to have any rooms in my house that she can't come into, and I want the same for me. My wife feels that it was no big deal, and she doesn't really feel that there was a risk of anything happening. By the way, I trust my wife entirely and feel very confident in her ability to ward off predatory guys. BUT I DON'T TRUST THE GUYS, and I think alcohol impairs judgement. Am I right to feel this way about such a scenario? Or is it just harmless fun with a good probability of turning out just fine in any case?

I would appreciate any of your comments. I guess I'm just wanting to know what standards you guys all have in YOUR marriages with regard to this sort of thing.

Thanks in advance.

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Many people feel some sort of a need to sow wild oats. This tends to happen in the 20s. Your wife (and you, for that matter), never seem to have done this. Now your wife has, a little bit, and that scares you.

Positives: you trust your wife (you do, don't you?), she knew her boundaries and kept them, she tried to have you come along and she did not hide any of this from you.
Negatives: the sexy outfit (well, that's hard to say, some husbands are averse to any show of any skin when they're not around, some are freer, this is hard to judge), the drinking, the unattached folks.

The 'net can create a mystique in people's minds, and it can really lead people into temptation if the person is already inclined to be tempted. What I'm saying is, if she wanted to have an affair, it would have been so easy, and it was clearly on the minds of some of the people with her (the bartender giving her cheap drinks is a red herring; this probably would have happened even if you were there with her). But the important thing is, she didn't.

Two suggestions for you.
(1) Keep trusting your wife. Don't go down the road of requiring that you know exactly what she's doing online or checking up on her or anything like that. That is bad, bad, bad; it's a big time loss of trust and you do not want to go in that direction and
(2) The next time one of these outings occurs, regardless of how you feel about it, go along. Not to check up on her, not to watch her and not to give the other men a piece of your mind. Rather, go and have fun. Certainly the dynamic will change, not only for that get together but for any other future one. Her male buddies will have a name and a face and a personality to put together with any time she mentions you, and it will be a lot harder for them to go into hit on her mode even if you are not around.

I agree that the late night and the drinking are of some concern, but it does not appear that your wife does these things regularly. Have you asked her about just those 2 aspects of the evening? Perhaps she just wanted to feel what it all felt like. No harm in that, really. Most people find it's just kind of silly and feels like a hangover. She may be very grateful that it was just what it was and nothing more.

And see how it goes. Communication and trust are the keys. Go beyond your feelings and really listen to whatever she has to say about that evening, whether it was good or bad or fun or stupid or whatever. If she wants to go out late once in a while, not even related to this group, hey, no law says you can't go with her, provided, of course, that your child is cared for.

We see a lot of folks come through here who are dismayed because either they or their spouses need to do some wild oat sowing and it's not happening. So see if you can make a little of that happen on your (your and your wife's, that is) terms. I bet having a few nights out with you will feel better to her than a night out with strangers, plus it will take the mystique out of it. And if it's done more or less sober, she may also come to the conclusion that that much drinking tends to mask what is often not much of a good time at all, often a very boring time, which she may not have realized at the time but could very well come to understand under the light of day.

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I think you're a lucky guy. Not just is your marriage apparently a homey, pleasant and secure one, and your wife apparently a beautiful as well as kind person whom you get along with wonderfully -- it turns out as well, that:

a) she can have all-out fun as well (always a good quality) AND
b) even when around her people are drunk, when she is exceedingly joyful, and in an exceptional setting, she showed not the least of inclination to "let herself go" beyond any point that would have implied even the prospect of unreliability or unfaithfulness!

Everyone got sloshed; she only had a few drinks. Men adored her and even followed her, yet, even as she had the best of fun she ever had, she seems to have firmly resisted any temptation to lead anyone on or be led on.

You're a hell of a lucky man! Seriously!

Actually, I'd even look at it this way. From the way you recount it, this trip of hers should be the best reassurance you could get. It's easy to be loyal, faithful and stable when you don't see much of any other adults, spend most of your time together and at home. But now she was transported into Vegas, no less, into a setting of joy and relaxation, and she still seems to have been firmly in control, with exemplary clarity towards any other guys. Especially for someone who's never gone out like that before thats pretty cool - someone else mighta been carried away in all this new elation!

I can't believe how young you are - just 25, 26! And you already have a child, a marriage ... thats real early to have gotten all grown-up. I can see how seeing how she seemed to have had more fun there than in all of your marriage could make you feel a little insecure. Well, first off: homey evenings together with the kid simply cant quite match up to Vegas, thats just natural. But perhaps that also makes for a good occasion, then, to think about how the two of you could go out sometime as well, or better yet, with friends, for something a little more swishy than the usual? Have a bit more festive a time sometime together as well (if you can find a babysit)? Perhaps spend a little bit more time socialising with "any other adults", in general? She obviously enjoys it!

And why dont you ask if she'd enjoy it if you went along next time? I mean, from what you write you're lucky in that she definitely does not seem to need a 'chaperone' of any kind - no need to come along to watch her or anything! But it seems like fun, perhaps you'd have fun too, and importantly, then you wouldnt feel this kinda left out a little afterwards like now?

In general, perhaps, this is an illustration of how it might be good for you guys to now and then just let her go hang out with friends and just relax, you know, away from all the daily stuff, as well as sometimes go out together like that with other people too?

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Whoa. Yes, the others made good points. All I'll add as a 26 yr old single gal is:

You two are blessed to have each other. Sounds like a wonderful life.

CHILL! Laughing

Seriously. The two of you need to spend some time being silly....not as a disrespect to each other, not bc you don't care about the relationship and your life....

but bc you're bloody young and it will come back to bite you in the butt if you don't find time to have fun; explore the world outside your family and relationship; do things that aren't 'right' and 'for something'.

Keep communicating....Why not join in and start finding Fun things to do together?

Also, it really doesn't hurt to spend time solo. Maybe your wife needs more time to herself...with friends...as a seperate person. Something like that.

take care

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Oh, and one last thought, if I may: dont make a whole big deal out of this? I dont know whether you were gonna, at all, just saying.

I mean, Jespah is right that it's always good to ask and listen to the other, if something's on your mind (rather than worry about it by your own and become suspicious or insecure or something). But there's no reason to, you know, quiz or query her about everything that happened - I mean, to go beyond having fun chatting about it and give her the feeling that its some big problem or other, or even make her feel bad about having had such fun. That would just create resentment, or an inclination to just not tell you next time - last thing you want. (Plus, it wouldnt be nice ;-))

Better to just say&think, hey that sounds great, you had a great time! Hey, I wouldnt mind going along next time too /or/ going out sometime together as well! Why not?

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Thank you so much for your posts. Indeed I have tried to toe the line here and not have her feel guilty about the night. I really want her to have a great time - but I guess I overestimated how good a time she was having with our marriage as it is. This is really making me reconsider how I can measure up here. I want to keep her forever, you see. That's my problem. I know she loves me, but a couple of things concern me:

1) Her developing a lifestyle where her main fun is independent of me, and therefore her associating me with boredom.

2) People (especially predatory guys) taking advantage of her innocence and unworldliness and her sense of fun and her openness to new experiences.

I want to get us a couple of friends our age, a couple, and start spending some time with other adults - I think that's what we both need. I love my wife so much, which is why I'm even writing this - she means everything to me and I'm willing to fight for her against anything that might try and take her away. I guess that's what's fuelling this sense of deep discontentment in my heart right now.

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Just from what you wrote here - I mean, 's all we have to go on, but it seems pretty clear - it seems like you dont have to worry particularly about #2). She seems well able to know how to have fun without falling prey to any "predatory guys". Women are a lot stronger than you think, you know! If and when they "fall prey" to a "predatory guy" (seducing them, I mean), most of the time its cause they chose to - mostly knowing full well what's happening. And that doesnt seem to be an issue here.

Number 1) - point well made. Yes, this might be a perfect occasion to bring a bit more gaiety and swish into your life together; a little bit of glamour to go with the cosiness! But what I dont get is why you immediately see it in terms of a "fight" you have to wage against those "that might try and take her away"? Why not just see it as a chance to introduce a bit more light fun to your life together? To have a bit of fun and company yourself too? I mean, with an attitude of going in there to "fight against anything that might take her away", any evening out is not gonna be much fun (definitely not for you, and not for her if she picks up on it either), in any case - and that was kinda the point, no? Cool

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Yeah, you know what, just going off what you have written here:
Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman who loves you very much. It sounds like you have nothing much to worry about at all. She's doing a lot of the right things and obviously puts a lot of stock on the family/life the two of you are building.

Believe me, if she wanted out or to fool around or any of that - she would have done it.
But she isn't. She's showing herself to be in good control of herself and to respect you a lot.

She was just having some fun. That's all.

I hear ya' though about being concerned about being associated with boredom:
If that's your concern, then you two certainly do need more time :
Going on dates alone
Having fun with friends
Being spontaneous etc.

BTW: You were so smart to come post here rather than bring these worries to her. Somewhere inside, you must realize this is more about your own sense of security, and not about what she is/is not doing? Am I way off there?

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I agree with the other posters. And I also think you're just a little, teeny, tiny bit jealous that she had such a good time without you. Could that be what's fueling all this anxiety?

You're really overreacting if you think that a single night on the town will lead to "developing a lifestyle." Has she expressed a desire to go on trips like this without you regularly? If not, your worries are unfounded. Don't let your insecurities get the best of you, man. You've got a good thing going. Don't mess it up.

And next time, go with her when she asks you!

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nimh wrote:

...I mean, Jespah is right that it's always good to ask and listen to the other, if something's on your mind (rather than worry about it by your own and become suspicious or insecure or something). But there's no reason to, you know, quiz or query her about everything that happened - I mean, to go beyond having fun chatting about it and give her the feeling that its some big problem or other, or even make her feel bad about having had such fun. That would just create resentment, or an inclination to just not tell you next time - last thing you want. (Plus, it wouldnt be nice ;-))...

Agreed, I realize how that may have come across. My main concerns are keeping the lines of communication open (because unspoken resentments can eat any marriage alive) and to get to the root of it -- if she wants to -- for your own reassurance, though certainly not at the expense of putting the screws to her and making her feel she did anything wrong. She didn't.

So, how ya gonna keep her down on the farm after she's seen Paree? I mean, that's the crux of it, yes? Well, it seems that adult conversations are needed in her life. This happens a lot with parents of young children. All they hear is baby talk all day long if they stay at home or, even if they go to work, they still have a photo to gaze at, and people to ask how the little tyke is doing, and Mom calls, and no, you can't afford such and such because you're saving for college and around and around you go. And every other thought is the child.

I'm not saying that that's wholly wrong. It's natural to make your children the center of your lives. But, at the same time, your child isn't the only person in the home. The others have to be nourished as well. It takes nothing away from your child's development for you to go out to dinner and a movie on occasion, or to a party with friends, or on a short vacation even, provided that your child is well cared for in a safe and friendly environment. You and your wife get to have a life too, yanno. Smile

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People you meet on the Internet are not trustworthy.

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Eva- I don't think its jealousy, I couldn't be happier for her - maybe it is a little, but it sure isn't the biggest reason. "This anxiety" is a great way to put it. I just feel anxious because I see so many marriages that fail, especially in people who marry as young as we have. I want to provide for her a marriage where she doesn't have to go elsewhere to satisfy her main desires - if that be the kind of fun she had in Vegas then I want to be in on that. I really appreciate your post, and you're right - one night isn't going to develop a lifestyle - I'm becoming more and more content about that everyday now.

FlushD- Yea, she is a wonderful woman and attractive and pleasant and thoughtful and caring and intelligent and hardworking and beautiful.... it makes me want to keep her forever. The thought of her giving herself to anyone but me makes me sick to my stomach, so I want to learn early how best to keep her happy and let her have fun and provide for her emotional needs. You are right that it is, at least partly, something to do with my sense of security in a way. My confidence got a little shaken when I realized how great a time she had in ONE NIGHT doing something that I had never done with her or provided for her. I gotta change that.

Nimh- Thank you for your posts. Yeah, she seems to be able to hold her own when it comes to predatory guys. What concerns me is the presence of alcohol in such a situation.... I trust her, but I don't trust her judgement under the influence of alcohol, nor anyone else's. That's why I'd rather be there next time, or is that overstepping my mark?

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It may be. I think that one of the most important things in a relationship is to have a clear sense of self as separate from your partner. Not just half of "Mr.andMrs.Irishhusband." This becomes especially important in the long haul, and I think, like the others, that your wife is handling that all really well.

What I'd suggest is threefold; 1.) let her keep doing this kind of thing on her own, 2.) do stuff together, and 3.) find something similar for YOU to do on your own. Do you have any friends that are just yours? Do you have activities that you do on your own? If not, I'd encourage you to pursue that -- while ALSO looking to do more fun activities with your wife.

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Forgot something...

irishhusband wrote:

My confidence got a little shaken when I realized how great a time she had in ONE NIGHT doing something that I had never done with her or provided for her. I gotta change that.

I think it's really dangerous to get into thinking that you have to be the sole provider of her most enjoyable experiences. You can be A provider, and it's nice of you to want to make her happy; but it's not in anyone's best interest for you to be THE provider. Enjoyable experiences come from many quarters, and that's OK. Share some of 'em, find some of 'em on your own, provide some of 'em -- but don't try to be the be-all and end-all.

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Sozobe-

I hear ya.... the only problem I have with what you're saying is that I've seen marriages break up because both partners were pursuing independent lifestyles that didn't involve each other, and when that involves a wife drinking in mixed-sex company in Las Vegas no less, it becomes even more pertinent. It was one night. But what you're suggesting is to just become used to the idea? I'm not sure that's what would be best for any marriage... for the long haul.

Just playing Devil's Advocate a little... maybe help you understand where I'm coming from?

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I understand what you mean about drinking, Las Vegas ("what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas") etc.

But I've seen many relationships break up because the couple was way too wrapped up in each other to the exclusion of all else, too -- ESPECIALLY ones where they got married early. We see that here all the time, as one or the other of them realize, at some point, that he or she no longer has an identity. Finding that often involves breaking up.

I'm currently in a 14-year relationship (10 married) where we spend time together and enjoy that time together, but also have our separate spheres. That's done a lot to contribute to the long-term viability of our relationship, I think. It's important for me to have a strong sense of self, of me-ness, as separate from my husband; that has nothing at all to do with infidelity (we both feel strongly about monogamy). That doesn't mean I don't have male friends as well as female friends, and it certainly doesn't mean that my husband is always present when I hang out with friends of either gender.

What I am suggesting is that you get used to the idea of your wife having fun on her own, and having her own friends, as well as having fun with you; that it's not reasonable, and is potentially dangerous, for you to expect to be the source of all fun.

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Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't your wife ask you to come along and you turned her down? Getting mad (or upset or worried or whatever) at her for a choice you made seems a little unfair to me.

Next time she wants to got out (if there even is a next time) say yes if you are worried about her being in an possibly inappropriate situation. But like another poster said, don't go to keep watch on her, go to have fun with her. You said you have never seen her have such a good time. If it was good for her it might be good for you, too.

If anything you should be upset with yourself for either not going with her or being upset/worried/whatever for no reason once you realized she had a good time without you.

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!!!?????!!!

ONE night?

And you're already panicking? Because, what, she had a good time?

What do you want? Her to rely on you for her happiness? That comes from a range of sources, depending on the individuals concerned. People need to feel that they are doing something productive, whether that means exclusively raising kids, mixing a part-time job with child-rearing, or being in some way creative and/or learning, if time and money allows.

No one human can ever meet anyother's entire needs. The very idea is daft.

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'People you meet on the Internet are not trustworthy' (DrewDad)

I think you mean that the Internet is not a trustworthy medium for meeting people in real life:
I'm inclined to agree, though not entirely.

That's a rule of thumb - it shouldn't be cast in stone. What someone's like does emerge over time, and it is possible to discern an underlying value system.

Just don't rush it. That would be foolish.

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jpinMilwaukee wrote:

If anything you should be upset with yourself for either not going with her or being upset/worried/whatever for no reason once you realized she had a good time without you.

Fair comment. And yes, I am fairly upset with myself for not going. I've said to her and you that, had I known the kind of night it would be, I would have gone with her - not stopped her from going or let her go and then get upset. This is largely my own insecurity, perhaps. And the issue is not that she had a good time without me, it's the alternate possibilities of what could have happened in such a situation that concerns me.

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Am I uncomfortable about this for no reason?

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