childhood friendship gone very sour....

tagged, you need to break this chain for your own wellbeing and for hers. Many years ago I attended a lecture on behaviour. The speaker called people who do such things "invalidators", they are so unhappy with theirselves that they will turn everything positive about you into a negative so that you feel a badly as they do.

Getting perspective on this friendship will serve you well for the rest of your life. I wish I had learned that lesson before I married my first husband. When you have a friend who is constantly wearing you out, it's time to see that they are sucking your energy away. Avoid these people, don't let them drag you into their personal torment.

thanks glitterbag that kinda verbalised my feelings about her if you know what i mean?

Does she get physically abusive to you, or is it verbal?

Is she abusive (either physically or verbally) to others.

I'm speaking just from my own experience. By the time I was 22 or 23 my drinking had progressed the point where I didn't care how much I hurt someone if I was angry with them. Funny, I was angry because I was drunk.

I could barely see past the next day, so I had no conception of thinking ahead and imagining the consequences of my actions. Old friends began to avoid me, because, like you, they thought "why should I put myself in this position over someone who lashes out, then comes back contrite a few days later, just do repeat the whole thing again?" Quite frankly, I wasn't worth sticking around for....I'm sure I would have walked away from me if I could.

I had one friend though....someone I had known since I was 16. Albeit he had an easier time with me because we lived in separate states. Even at my worst, when I thought of Craig, he was always someone I admired as a decent human being.

I stopped drinking when I was 29. Now I'm 47. When I stopped I had the maturity level of a 14 year old, when I had started drinking.

Today, 31 years later, Craig is still my best friend. Now, he's been going through some serious issues the last 10 years, and I would hope he would say I've been there for him. I will never forget that he thought I was worth it.

I don't think the answer is to stick by your friend at this point in time. You're not someones whipping boy. However, no one knows what the future holds, and one day you may be a major factor in her getting her life together.

Don't get suckered in when you feels she's making self serving pronouncements of getting better...you'll feel it when it's not true.

But...If and when it's for real....that's what friends are for.



Dionne Warwick lyrics:

Knowing you can always count on me for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

She's only threatened me with violent abuse but she has gotten extremely verbally abusive with me not to mention things like walking off in the dark by herself etc...

Thanks for sharing you experinces chai tea they certainly shed some light here, and that is what bother me i don't want to be a bad friend but i can't be some ones whipping boy either. I feel like a door matt around her.

Funny thing is i feel like a very different person to what i was 6 months ago and when i look at her it reminds me excatly of why i got out when i did.

The dionne warwick lyrics are spot on

I agree with Chai. We have all been sucked into an unhealthy relationship from time to time. Usually because we think we can help the person with the problem as long as we are patient long enough. Your friend needs to stand alone until she can be a real friend. I hope that can happen, but it does't always. I would urge you not to speak badly about her, or to be rude to her. Just be affable and non-committal, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. We all make choices, she just hasn't made many good ones lately.

If everyone wanted to stay up all night, I'd chronicle the abusive marriage i had for 4 years. Abusive behaviour starts slowly and is very manipulative. The abuser will look for your insecurities and exploit them.
I know no one really wants to hear about my Ex, lets just cap it off this way. He hasn't spoken to his son for almost 20 years, and the one time I had to call him last summer to find out medical history for my son, he asked me if I ran around on him when we were married. Not right away of course, first he had to tell me he has another Corvette, 12 guitars and a condo at the beach. I couldn't be happier. Especially when I think about how my life would have been if we were still married.

He also abused alcohol,

it seems to be a trend with abuse.. alcohol that is.

yeah glitter think that's the problem she can't find my insecurities any more so she pushes harder and harder. but now i'm afraid it's over. I'm in a differnt head space.

But you are a different person now, you see?

It's amazing what having a clear mind can do for your outlook in just 6 months. And this is just the beginning of your journey.

Probably very true about her pushing harder and harder. You're upsetting her status quo.

Back then, I think of some of the unsavory characters in my life, and some that were not bad people, but, well, trash basically. It was all so normal. I can't remember particulars, but I know there were times when someones eyes would open and realize they needed to get out of what they were doing that wasn't working. And what wasn't working was hanging around with the rest of us.
"Oh, All of a sudden they're too GOOD for us!" would be the attitude. Well, yeah actually, that was exactly it.

I don't know if you experienced this yet tag....Since you "got out of" whatever you were doing, do you ever find yourself talking with someone still living the life and suddenly thinking "God, this person is BOR-ING! Isn't there anything else than can talk about?" Not to say that everyone who drinks/drugs is untelligent. However, when you really stop and think about it, the mere fact that whatever is going to be going on has to be weighed against the availability of booze/drugs, it kind of limits your choices. Doesn't it?

You're just starting to grow tagged....and your friend isn't, at least not yet. Don't take her sh!t, but leave the door open a crack.

Oh BTW, some of your expressions/slang, as lord ellpus, a favorite around here would say...."MARVELOUS!"

It's just that I don't understand some of it.

what's "swoping the boys for girs"

I fink that was supposed to be "swapping"-- but it could be some cool slang!

so swapping girls for boys....some kind of transgender stuff?

cypher - I don't think we'll hear back from tagged for a while....isn't it like next wednesday in south africa?

So where do you live?

"swapping" was just that the movie ("Y Tu Mama Tambien") was about two boys, and they are two girls -- so if you swap the boys for girls but otherwise leave the movie storyline the same, that's them (she was saying).

Oh, sorry, I guess you weren't hearing from me for a while either! We went to the movies, I just got back (and got straight onto a2k, god help me).

I'm from Quincy, a dinky town in Northern California. I won't be here much longer though, we're moving soon...think I might start a thread about it actually, so I can vent about all the hassles with changing schools and finding a place to live, etc. The funny part is I'm moving to where osso moved away from!

yeah soz got it right; bad spelling and grammar. Yeah if you saw the movie you'd know what i mean.

Anyway chai thanks for the encouragement and what you saying rings very true. i mean i don't have much in common with a lot of my former friends/acquaintances, I mean we are not on the same page; they are a tad boring because well it's always a competions of who's the hardest/coolest. I suppose it's all very high schoo,a dn i just feel like dam i've graduated and living my life who cares how many tequila's you drunk or how many boys you kissed last night.

Wouldn't use too much S. African slang here as most of it's Afrikaans and no one would understand it. Then there's of course tosti taal but that's a mix between afrikaans, english, zulu, sotho, xhosa and so on.

Huh?

movie about two boys, and they are two girls?

What the hell does THAT mean?
never even heard of the movie.

oh well....doesn't matter.

Exactly :wink:

See just got my BA and living a "real" life were I have to step up to the bar.

The movies a sort of alternative coming of age stroy about two boys who go on this road trip with a young aunt (who they both have the hots for) in search of a beach they made up to impress the aunt but it turns out to really exist, any way the aunt decides to go on the trip with these two for her own more difficult and sad issues. beautiful brilliant mexican movie.