Girls Gone Wild

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Gack!

OK, so on the Sozlet Stories thread I explained a recent meltdown of sozlet's "best friend" D, a description and some back story here. Rather than continuing with the single initial since the other one (P) is so similar, I'll call her "D" Dolly from now on.

Today, sozlet had a playdate with the other girl in this triangle (I'll call her Pearl), who is attempting to become sozlet's best friend, and whaddya know, it ended with another meltdown! (Pearl, this time.) A comparable level of hysteria, less verbal meanness, and more physicality (sharp-fingernailed grabs, especially). Phew.

This one had a bunch of elements to it. It started with Pearl not wanting to hurt sozlet's feelings [this came out later] by telling her that she [Pearl] didn't want her [sozlet] to color a certain page in a coloring book. But Pearl REALLY didn't want sozlet to color that page. And then, when it was time to leave, Pearl REALLY didn't want to see that page leave with sozlet, and lunged for it. Shocked

When this wasn't received well by sozlet or Pearl's mom the waterworks began -- after some resistance, sozlet agreed to leave it, fine. But the hysterics didn't subside, and then went into a new area of Pearl accusing sozlet of liking Dolly more than her, and grabbing sozlet's arm to keep her from leaving... ay-yi-yi!

I'm starting this partly as a vent, partly to get any thoughts/ insight on the whole situation. From what I've seen, from what sozlet says, and from what the moms involved say, sozlet's been reasonable and accommodating throughout all of this. My basic advice to her has been, "You don't have to choose, and you don't have to take sides; you can be friends with both."

She seems to be handling it pretty well overall, doesn't seem too stressed by it. I'm not sure if I actually have to DO anything, it's just kinda... gack!

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Oh man, have we seen the friend triangle issues! K's two closest friends are lifelong enemies and have pulled K in opposite directions for years. I too tried to tell her she didn't have to choose, but one friend was particularly gifted at making K feel guilty whenever she spent time with the other friend. It resolved itself for awhile when one friend moved to a neighboring town and they weren't all in the same school, but now they're all back in the same high school and it's still going on.

ay, yi, yi! I don't know what you can say to sozlet other than to watch for signs of pressuring by the other girls and to make sure sozlet knows that who she spends time with is her choice, not theirs.

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Do boys have best friends?

Boys seem to be more comfortable running in packs.

Sozlet's happy to play with whomever is in her vicinity.

Both of the "best friend" attempters seem really fixated on getting that honorific, though.

I vividly remember going through this in school, too, including igniting a scandal in 2nd grade when I rejected one "best friend" who was telling me I couldn't play with another, and started a co-ed gang with this other girl and two boys.

I was impatient with this girl politics stuff from early on.

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It happens with little boys as well.

At one point in my illustrious babysitting career, I babysat for one family with three boys and another with four boys on a regular schedule.

There were missing tufts of hair on a couple of occasions as a result of "you can't be his best friend" situations.

<shrug>

Nothing new under the sun with Best Friends Forever and Ever stories. mrs hamburger's mother had stories about this sort of thing happening about 100 years ago.

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Yeah.

Getting well into "Prepare 'em best you can and then stand back and see what happens" territory, I guess.

J_B, that must be rough that it's still going on. It must get more emotionally complex and emotionally taxing the older they get. These three will be in separate school districts by next fall -- but we do plan to stay in touch, and who knows.

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I was going to come back and post that boys/men grow out of this sooner, and then I remembered ... my ex S.O. and his two Best Friends from university days.

It's nearly 30 years since we all met, and the 3 of them are still circling each other in a very weird "he's my best friend" "no, he's my best friend" dance. The youngest of them is 48. Shocked

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Ah, good that they won't be together all day in school. It will give sozlet a chance to make her own friends and still see these two outside of school.

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Soz: Good thread title. That's all I have to say. <departing>

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Hi flushd, thanks. :-) (If you do have any thoughts/ opinions, go for it...)

J_B, yeah, that's a bit of a relief I think. Of course I'm curious about what the dynamics will be in kindergarten... while I'm not positive, it looks as though sozlet will know only one other kid in the class.

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I don't think the girl dynamics turned really ugly until 3rd or 4th grade. That's when the social circles became extremely rigid and the circle queens were selected or self appointed. M had a very close friend in 3rd grade who dropped her like a hot potato without explanation. The friend's parents were at as much of a loss as we were. Eventually (I mean a year or so later) the story came out that the friend was invited to join the inner-most circle, but only if she stopped associating with M. The mom told me how disappointed she was that her daughter had chosen the snotty group over M and had told her daughter she couldn't believe she had done such a thing. M was hurt, but at least she finally had an explanation. Girls can be really brutal sometimes.

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I realize that i'm probably not qualified to comment, but i've never known of this happening with boys. We (boys, men, whatever term you prefer) have best friends, and sometimes more than one. I've never encountered and experience in which one or the other of my friends objected more than once to my spending time with some other friend. Those situations almost always involved an accusation against the other acquaintance, and then was never brought up again. I've had best friends i partied with, other best friends with whom i went hiking or camping, and yet other best friends with whom i discussed literature or art or history. Never knew any of them to object to the others, as one usually had no interest in common with the others, which had made them my friends in the first place.

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just reading the first post alone.. and nothing else..

can Soz have a set of words to combat the " you like her more then me" ?

A childs equivelent to -
I dont like her more then you, I just do diffrent things for diffrent friends because they are diffrent people.

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Just found this. I have absolutely no experience in a situation like this so I'm just reading along in hopes for some advanced wisdom should it arise when my girl is older.

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Hi shewolf,

What we've talked about and what she's done is to say, "I like both of you," and refuse to be pressured beyond that.

Set, it really does seem to be overwhelmingly a girl thing, though I believe there are exceptions.

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Could be, i'd never run into it personally, though.

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J_B wrote:

I don't think the girl dynamics turned really ugly until 3rd or 4th grade. That's when the social circles became extremely rigid and the circle queens were selected or self appointed.

That's exactly what we're experiencing. My daughter is in 4th grade now,
and every day there seems to be a new circle forming with the "popular
girls" and who's in and who's out. Just listening to it makes me feel
dizzy, and I learned to not interfere, since they're best friends today, enemies tomorrow, and best friends again the day after.

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My younger son explained to me that he and the next door neighbor's son had talked over the friendship situation and they had decided that they would be each other's second best friends because their first best friends lived further away.

Meanwhile the next door neighbor's sister was being a very possessive little girl.

I think the Feminine Cliques are a way of experimenting with power and loyality and eventually tolerance. I know the Feminine Cliques are pure hell for parents.

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Right, Jane. There isn't much the parents can do other than help give them a strong sense of self. It's hard though. Noddy is right, it is hell for the parents.

The mom I mentioned before would ask me if M ever came home and insisted a trip to the mall was required before returning to school the next day. It seems a certain article of clothing would be dictated to be worn by the circle queen and disbarment from the group was the consequence of not having the right item. Tears, tantrums, and fits would result in a trip to the mall to buy the requisite shirt, or whatever. Er, no, we didn't have day-to-day clothing requirements (and it's a good thing because I never would have gone along). With the exception of being dumped by her friend, M was comfortable not being part of that group.

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J_B, that's exactly it: giving our children a strong sense of
self is certainly a great help to them and us as parents.

Luckily, we don't have the clothing problems, as all wear
the same uniform with strict guidelines from the principal,
but I realize the clothes issue is just a postponement for
later years <sigh>

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I'm fairly sure it's far more of a girl thing than a boy thing and probably responsible for all but one of my very close friends since age 11 having been men. I mean I guess to some extent I used to get a bit pissed off when any of my close male friends became friends with Em (that's the one girl friend) because it was inevitably a product of them being in love with her and they'd then always end up excluding me. But it's sort of different. Out of all of my male circle of friends I can only think of a couple of examples of "best friend" pairs at any one time and only 2 of them still really consider each other Best Friends.

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Girls Gone Wild

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