Would you consider this love?

shewolfnm

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I want to ask why you feel intimidated with what is going on in her MIND.

It is not that i feel intimidated. I just do not see that as being love. I believe that there is no point in having sex with someone if both the people are not in love. I would like it if she would fantasize about me because i fantasize about her too. I have known her for more than 4 years, all i have ARE fantasizes about her. She was in the army. I have fantasized about having sex with her in her army suit in the middle of some war she is in like 1000s times. I am ALL for the fantasizing as long as it is ABOUT your partner.

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you cant control someones thoughts
and to want to is a bit strange.

I do not want to control her thoughts. I have no right to control her thoughts. What i CAN do is leave if me and her do not have the same understanding. Which i have done. No doubt there are plenty men who will have no problem accpeting her because they themselves do it. I am not one of them. And i think that is the fair thing to do.

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Humans want sex. Humans think about sex. Humans are attractive to other humans. Humans think about other humans.

That is how we got here, and how we stay here.

Even tho that is true, i am not going to have sex with her for the survival of human kind. I was going to have sex with her because i loved her from my soul and i believe that getting that intimate can only take the feeling of love to another dimension.

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If her thinking about someone else makes you two have more sex.. so be it. She isnt cheating.

Cheating, not physically but mentally. I am having sex with her and she s moaning not because it is me who is giving her that pleausre but because she is having sex with some fantasy in her head.

With what you are saying, it is ok for me to tell you 'I love you' while thinking of a completely different woman. I mean as long as it makes me love you, right?

Can i ask you something sherwolfnm? Would it be ok for your husband/partner to say ' I love you ' while thinking of another woman?

Noddy24:

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I agree with Slappy. Her fantasies are her business, but her need/choice to tell you about thinking of other men when making love to you shows a disregard for your feelings

I believe she was only telling me what her point of view was. I do not think she did it as a disregard for my feeling. Im sorry if you misunderstood what i said.

MommaAngel:

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It doesn't mean it will happen with you.

Yes it will cause she clearly has no problem with thinking of other men. ITs like this, i will never really nkow that the orgasm she had was because of me or was it beacause of her fantasy? I hope you understand what im trying to say.

shari6905:

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Did she mention who she was thinking of? Was this person unattainable like an actor?

No she didnt. The point is that she will do it.

Kitkat_bar:

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So what's the harm in fantasizing during sex if what is really turning you on his your husband?

But that is not the case here. She is not being turned on by me but by some guy she is thinking of in her head. she is not getting that pleausre from me, but some guy she is thinking of in her head. She is not going to have an orgasm from me but some guy she is thinking of her in her head. She is not having sex with me, but with some guy she is thinking of in her head. And it is not cheating because she is not doing it physically? This is love?

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I am not exactly sure what you are asking. You are asking if it is love. The answer is yes. You can love someone without being physical AND you can love them by being physical. It's obvious that she does love you because she is with you and not who ever it is she is fantasizing about. I think fantasies are perfectly healthy but there is one thing I might ask her if I were you. I would ask her if this fantasy guy is someone she dreams about other than when having sex with you, if it is the same guy each time, and if it is, do you know this person? If she is fantasizing about someone when not making love to you, thats when I would be worried.

Personally I think there is more going on here than just her fantasizing about other men during sex.

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Lets see what you think of this fantasy. A friend of mine told me her boyfriend came home from a trip, and while they were making love he told her what happened at a strip club. As they were having sex he proceeds to tell her about a stripper coming up to him and trying to get him turned on, she is rubbing all over him and starts bitting his nipples and he starts to get turned on so she rubs her leg up on his penis to feel it. Now what do you think you would do if your boyfriend tells you this while making love to you after he was away and it was suppose to be romantic.

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trfirst wrote:

Lets see what you think of this fantasy. A friend of mine told me her boyfriend came home from a trip, and while they were making love he told her what happened at a strip club. As they were having sex he proceeds to tell her about a stripper coming up to him and trying to get him turned on, she is rubbing all over him and starts bitting his nipples and he starts to get turned on so she rubs her leg up on his penis to feel it. Now what do you think you would do if your boyfriend tells you this while making love to you after he was away and it was suppose to be romantic.

Man! Some guys are just lame....

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RickJad,

I do understand exactly what you are saying. The reality is this: you cannot expect no stray thoughts to ever enter her mind, nor yours for that matter, during lovemaking. Like I said, when I do this, it's not a particular person. It's a scenario. It's like adding salt and pepper to stew.

The human body does not always cooperate exactly the way we would want it to when we want it to. So, hence you add some salt and pepper.

If you cannot accept the fact that she may have these thoughts, then I suggest you end it. I'm afraid this would turn into nothing but resentment for you.

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kitkat_bar wrote:

I am not exactly sure what you are asking. You are asking if it is love. The answer is yes. You can love someone without being physical AND you can love them by being physical. It's obvious that she does love you because she is with you and not who ever it is she is fantasizing about. I think fantasies are perfectly healthy but there is one thing I might ask her if I were you. I would ask her if this fantasy guy is someone she dreams about other than when having sex with you, if it is the same guy each time, and if it is, do you know this person? If she is fantasizing about someone when not making love to you, thats when I would be worried.

Personally I think there is more going on here than just her fantasizing about other men during sex.

This makes absolutely no sense to me!

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Rick
Welcome to A2K and I hear ya.

Lots of people feel there's nothing wrong with this and then there's those of us who simply can't shake it.
I too couldn't sleep with a man knowing he was thinking of anyone other than me.

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trfirst:

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Lets see what you think of this fantasy. A friend of mine told me her boyfriend came home from a trip, and while they were making love he told her what happened at a strip club. As they were having sex he proceeds to tell her about a stripper coming up to him and trying to get him turned on, she is rubbing all over him and starts bitting his nipples and he starts to get turned on so she rubs her leg up on his penis to feel it. Now what do you think you would do if your boyfriend tells you this while making love to you after he was away and it was suppose to be romantic.

If i was his gf, id kick him out of the house Smile

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Momma:

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The reality is this: you cannot expect no stray thoughts to ever enter her mind, nor yours for that matter, during lovemaking.

I have to disagree with you here. Let me tell you something. I have known this person for more than 4 years. Before i met her, i had no problem with the notion of thinking of other women while having sex. I had no problem of being wth 2 or even more girls at the same time. Infact, i was dating 3 girls at the same time and they never found out. But when i met her, i changed. She tamed me. I love her and she had a problem with what i was like. And because i didnt want to lose her, i changed my habits. Even to a point where i CAN think of just one woman while i masterbaute on her. I have had sex only once in my life and i regret it to this day.

I believe if i want to add pepper and salt to the stew, there are other ways to do that effectively without bringing another person into our mind. It is completely possible to not allow stray thouts from entering your mind because i have done it.

It is almost ridiculously hilarious. She ends up wanting to do the same thing after she showed me how that kind of thinking was wrong. I dont know weather to laugh at it or to cry. I have ended it with her over something i USED to do and had no problem doing and i am angry about it.

Montana:

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I too couldn't sleep with a man knowing he was thinking of anyone other than me.

We are a rare breed looooool. Im sorry montana, i dont mean to offend you but i am just very hurt over this. I feel like crying but i cannot cry because i am angry.

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RickJad,

I can tell this is pretty painful for you and I certainly hope my responses did not add to that.

I think it is wonderful you never feel the need to think of someone else. I wish I had a man love me that much. I sincerely hope that you do resolve this so that it causes you no more pain and concern.

I can tell you this, if it IS love, it will outlast anything.

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Someone already made an important distinction (I forget who, actually I think it was a few people):

She can think whatever she wants; but it's plain disrespectful for her to TELL you that she's thinking of someone else.

I think those are different issues.

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Forgive me if I am in anyway wrong, but it seems like you already have this problem all figured out, and the fact that you are here asking for advice is a little bit reduntant. I am not trying to be mean or anything but it seems like no matter what someone says and any advice they give you you take it and tell them how wrong they are. It seems like you really aren't posting this thread to recieve advice on the matter, it seems more like you are pushing the advice away to make yourself more..."right" I guess is the word. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to make light of the issue here, I just think that from the responses you have given that you already have your mind made up and our advice isn't going to sway you one way or the other.

Oh yeah, I read this thread a couple of times and is it correct that you have never slept with this woman? Because I have read two comments that suggested that and I couldn't figure out if that was the case or not.

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Montana wrote:

kitkat_bar wrote:
I am not exactly sure what you are asking. You are asking if it is love. The answer is yes. You can love someone without being physical AND you can love them by being physical. It's obvious that she does love you because she is with you and not who ever it is she is fantasizing about. I think fantasies are perfectly healthy but there is one thing I might ask her if I were you. I would ask her if this fantasy guy is someone she dreams about other than when having sex with you, if it is the same guy each time, and if it is, do you know this person? If she is fantasizing about someone when not making love to you, thats when I would be worried.

Personally I think there is more going on here than just her fantasizing about other men during sex.

This makes absolutely no sense to me!

I am basically saying that of course she loves him but if this fantasy thing really bothers him he should ask her if she fanstasizes ONLY during sex because if she is fantasizing outside of sex then there is something way bigger going on. Does that make more sence? Sorry I don't always have a way with words.

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Momma Angel

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I can tell this is pretty painful for you and I certainly hope my responses did not add to that.

No please do not think like that. There was a woman i knew years ago and i used to call her momma, just like your nick. So in some wierd way, you remind me of her and i find that very soothing. I am just very very angry and hurt about the whole thing and i do not know what to do about it. I just wish so hard she wasnt so stubborn. And believe 'stubborn' is just the peak of what she is. I mean that in a good way. I honestly felt this woman was my soul mate and i have done and changed so much for her. And for it to come to an end like is nothing but a damn shame. I loved her so much that i could have just spent my entire life exploring her body and soul without even having sex with her. But there are just some things that i believe in that i cannot give up. What makes me even more angry is that i didnt have any problem with such kind of thinking. Im angry at her for changing me to the person i am now. I am angry at myself for letting myself change for her. Even now there is a part of me that wants to just go back to her but i cant. If i did, i would be turning my back on things that i really believe in. And i just cannot do that.

sozobe:

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She can think whatever she wants; but it's plain disrespectful for her to TELL you that she's thinking of someone else.

Im glad she told me now. Because if she hadnt told me that, everytime i made love to her, i would have thought that all her pleausre was comming from me. And that would be me deluding myself which is just stupid.

kitkat_bar

Im sorry you misunderstood my first post. You are right, no one here will change my mind on this but what i wanted to know was , is this love? to think of other people while having sex with your partner, is this love? And i do have a better understanding of fantasizing during sex now than i had before. I respect people for their belief. If people think it is ok to have sexual fantasy about other people during sex wth their partner, then i am no one to tell them they are wrong. But for ME, it will be EXACTLY like cheating on my partner. And saying 'but she/he isnt doing it physically' does not cut it for me. Never the less, i respect those who have this belief. have commited sins far greater than that. And im not talking about burining cigrette butts on little kittens. These sins are horrendous sins that i have to live with. So i am hardly in any position to judge others.

But i thank you for the insight you have provided me in your posts. I really appriciate it.

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Rick
I feel the same way. I don't judge others for doing it, it's just something I persnally couldn't live with.
The way I've always seen it is that if someone is in love with me, why would anyone else be on their mind while making love with me?
The thought of it just makes my skin crawl, so I can only imagine what you must be feeling.

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kitkat_bar wrote:

Montana wrote:
kitkat_bar wrote:
I am not exactly sure what you are asking. You are asking if it is love. The answer is yes. You can love someone without being physical AND you can love them by being physical. It's obvious that she does love you because she is with you and not who ever it is she is fantasizing about. I think fantasies are perfectly healthy but there is one thing I might ask her if I were you. I would ask her if this fantasy guy is someone she dreams about other than when having sex with you, if it is the same guy each time, and if it is, do you know this person? If she is fantasizing about someone when not making love to you, thats when I would be worried.

Personally I think there is more going on here than just her fantasizing about other men during sex.

This makes absolutely no sense to me!

I am basically saying that of course she loves him but if this fantasy thing really bothers him he should ask her if she fanstasizes ONLY during sex because if she is fantasizing outside of sex then there is something way bigger going on. Does that make more sence? Sorry I don't always have a way with words.

It still doesn't make sense to me because of a few reasons.

#1. I would much rather have my partner thinking of someone else while masterbating, than when they are with me, but either way, it would still be tramatic for me.

#2. This may make sense to you because this is how you feel, but you can't expect that everyone does or should feel this way.
Personally, I can't understand why this wouldn't bother everyone, but it doesn't, so obviously it's because we all feel and think differently.

#3. You said "of course she loves him", but how do you know this?
I also feel that if you truly love someone, your sexual thoughts/feelings are with them.

My ex and I have been split up for 8 years now, but we still love eachother and I still think of him when I....well...you know ;-)

Anyway, my point is that some of us are real deep when it comes to love and some of us are not.

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Hi Montana

When i was in Abu Dhabi (U.A.E), there was an iranian cigrette brand called Montana. Used to smoke them like crazy lool.

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I feel the same way. I don't judge others for doing it, it's just something I persnally couldn't live with.
The way I've always seen it is that if someone is in love with me, why would anyone else be on their mind while making love with me?
The thought of it just makes my skin crawl, so I can only imagine what you must be feeling.

I actually want to cry because im finding it absolutely amazing that there is another person who see it as i do. I completely understand every word you are saying and i cannot agree more. If a man loves a woman and vice versa, there will be absolutely no need to bring another person into their thoughts. Infact, i believe that sex is not even neccessary for two person to be completely in love. But it would only enhance the emotional state tremendously if it took place. One of the reasons i cannot ever go back to my old thinking is because i see how wrong it is. How can i look in my wife's eyes and tell her i love while im making love to her if im thinking of some girl in my office????? And if i DID said i loved her, then i would be lieing. And i believe a woman deserves better than that.

I have been with this woman for 4 years and during that time, i have completely destroyed the possibility of having a romantic releationship with another woman. And now i feel like im just standing in the middle of a desert all alone. I have a social life. But i am so used to discouraging any advances by a woman towards me that i do not think i can actually do it. But it would be a damn treat to find somone who thinks like you. Someone who understands what i believe in and the reasons for that belief.

Another thing you said:

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#1. I would much rather have my partner thinking of someone else while masterbating, than when they are with me, but either way, it would still be tramatic for me.

I feel the same way.

A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

I believe in the above strongly. If my wife is not the person towards whome i have a feeling of intense desire and attraction, then i am not in love with her.

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I never thought I'd see my feelings written by anyone else either.
I was actually starting to feel like I was some kind of freak Laughing

It is good to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel because it gives me hope that there are many more out there like us who feel the same way ;-)

That kind of passion two people have when they are totaly in love with eachother is amazing and I could never settle for less.
Unfortunately, that means no sex :-(

Well, that is until I can snag my ex for a week or so. He called me yesterday and wants to get together Very Happy

The reasons why my ex and I are not together right now is a long story and has nothing to do with this subject, so I won't get into that, but it sure would be nice to connect with him again :-)
He posses that special passion I crave for Cool

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I honestly envy him. He is luckey to have a woman like you in his life and i hope it works out between you and him.

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Thanks Rick :-)

It's not easy since he lives in a different country, but he's talking about moving closer to me :-D
We'll never get back together (my choice), but since we're both still unattached, I can't see any reason why we can't get together every now and again :-D

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Would you consider this love?

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