Would you consider this love?

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Hello All

I had an argument with my girlfriend last night. We have worked our way through a lot of things and are hoping to get married once we have our problems sorted out. Last night we were talking about loyalty to each other and she said that she feels that it is ok to think of other people while we are having sex. This notion makes me physically sick because i cannot consider that love or loyalty if my wife is thinking of other men while im having sex with her. The same will be true for me. I would not consider it love or loyalty to/for my wife if im thinking of some women from my office while having sex with her. We had a huge argument over this. Those of you who are married , have you ever done that to your spouse? and do you consider this love/loyalty?

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Would you rather her be with other men and think of you?

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I don't think that its bad....I have fantasized while doing it myself but when I am with someone, that is the only person I am thinking of. IMO if she is thinking of someone else while having sex with you then you are letting her keep her eyes shut for too long...do things to MAKE her focus on you. If you are giving it to her well, then she will have no reason to think of someone else. But don't take it to hard. Fantasy is natural.

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I think Shari is pretty right on. When you have been married for a long while it is sometimes hard to create the same excitement there once was. There is nothing wrong with fantasy. As long as she is with you and not with someone else, what does it hurt?

Have you never had a fantasy? Just because you had a fantasy about someone else does that mean you love her any less? I don't think so.

If this bothers you, talk to her about the both of you creating a fantasy. Why not make her fantasy your fantasy?

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Thanks for the replies guys.

Shari:

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Would you rather her be with other men and think of you?

She has done that and it made me sick even then.

Shari, from your reply i am assuming you are not married. would it make you feel uncomfortable that the person you are havng sex with is also thinking of someone else while having sex with you? And lets say that he is thinking of someone else and you are thinking of someone else, then dont you see that something is wrong? Say if you were in love with this person, would you actually call that act 'love'? the person you are having sex with is enjoying the act WHILE thinking of someone else? wouldnt that make you feel absolutely cheap? Please do not take offence to what i am saying because i am simply trying to understand this.

Momma Angel:

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When you have been married for a long while it is sometimes hard to create the same excitement there once was. There is nothing wrong with fantasy. As long as she is with you and not with someone else, what does it hurt?

Momma Angel, are you married? IF you are, have you ever done this with your husband? And are you ok if your husband is fantasizing about someone else while having sex with you?

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Yes, I am married and have been for almost 7 years now. I don't mind if he fantasizes while he is with me. He is, afterall, with me. We have played little games where we share a fantasy. It just makes things more intimate.

Now, if he were actually wanting to be with someone else while he was with me, yes, I'd be hurt. I am sure if you talked to her and if you shared a fantasy with her, you would find that it could actually bring you even closer. Making love is a very intimate thing. It's not just physical. Don't let your pride get in the way thinking she wants someone else because she fantasizes.

It's very common for women to fantasize about many different things. Sometimes things they would never actually do but can do in their mind. It doesn't change how she feels about you.

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I don't think it's unusual to fantasize during sex, but it is not considerate (or loving) to taunt your partner with the fact that you do it. I think you should consider this point since you are planning to marry this person.

Personally, I've never felt the need to fantasize about other men while having sex with a man I loved.

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Momma Angel:

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Making love is a very intimate thing

And that is my core belief. And since love is such an intimate thing, shouldnt it be respected as such? Momma, i would ask you the same question i did to shari. You are making love to your husband one night and ur thinking of someone else and he is thinking of someone else. Would you still call that act 'making love'?

Green Witch:

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Personally, I've never felt the need to fantasize about other men while having sex with a man I loved.

Can i ask you why?

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To be completely honest with you RickJad, when I do have my little fantasies they are not of any particular person. It's more a scenario with someone with no face because I am with my husband.

I don't know if that makes sense to you or not. If I ever got to the point that I was thinking about a particular person all the time while being with my husband, yes, that would be more than disrespectful. I would certainly need to address that issue with my husband.

My best advice would be to talk to her. Find out exactly what she is thinking and ask her questions. Sometimes these things are hard to discuss but they are necessary.

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RickJad wrote:

Green Witch:

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Personally, I've never felt the need to fantasize about other men while having sex with a man I loved.

Can i ask you why?

When I'm in love my sexual energy is tied to that man. It's not that I don't notice other good looking men, I do and I look, but when it comes to sex I need to be in the moment with the person I'm with. I am very aware of how that man smells, feels, tastes and how he touches me- it's part of the excitement. I've slept with men I was just attracted to physically, but the sex is never as great as when love is added to the mix. I've been in love with the same man for about 12 years and I've never brought George Clooney, Russell Crowe or any other guy into our bed. If my husband is picturing some sexy babe he's too much of a gentleman to mention it, and he's never mistakenly called me JLo or Angelina. If he's thinking about someone else I would rather not know.

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A couple of years ago, some friends of mine and I were discussing this. They were saying they felt like they were disrespecting their boyfriends because they fantasized about other men during sex, but didn't know how to stop. Eventually, it came out that they were starting to find sex boring, and that's why they needed the fantasy.

I know I fantasize a lot when I masturbate, but have never done so with a partner. But I usually play a lead role during sex with a partner. I think it helps women who don't orgasm easily to have fantasies as well. So, there are a number of factors. I think a lot of them have to do with sex becoming routine and/or not satisfying anymore.

So my only suggestion is to buy some books that elaborate on sexual positions and exciting ways to liven things up. Maybe do some role playing. I'm not suggesting anything kinky, just something new. It might be so fun for her that she wouldn't need to fantasize about other men. You might actually feel pretty good about it too.

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RickJad wrote:

Quote:
Would you rather her be with other men and think of you?

She has done that and it made me sick even then.

This stood out to me. Is this before you got together and you were both still seeing other people?
It seems you knew what you were getting into. If it made you sick then, why did you pursue a deeper relationship with her?

I am not blaming you for anything. I do wonder though if this is something that is on your shoulders to resolve (doesn't seem like it to me) or if it is an ingrained pattern with her (which she will only change when she sees a good reason to).

I'm not married. I can say though that in the serious relationships I have been in, I did not feel a need to fantasize about other men during sex. I was too involved in experiencing my partner. Greenwitch said it so beautifully! Truly.

Fantasy is healthy, but within a serious relationship (obviously) the needs and feelings of the other person come first.

Good luck. Wish I had actual advice, but I don't.

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Thank you all for your replies.

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This stood out to me. Is this before you got together and you were both still seeing other people?

It seems you knew what you were getting into. If it made you sick then, why did you pursue a deeper relationship with her?

Yes. She told me it was the only time she did it and i believed her. We are humans and we make mistakes. I know i have. I chose to pursue a releationship with her because this is not how she felt at that time. We have never had sex because we wanted to wait until we were married. She was married to that person when she did it.

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Fantasy is healthy, but within a serious relationship (obviously) the needs and feelings of the other person come first.

I agree with you. Fantasy is a healthy thing. But i believe it is only healthy when it is about the person your having sex with.

Unfortunately this has really effected my feelings for her. We have decided to stop seeing each other. I wish i could agree with the adivice you guys have given to me. But i just do not see it as love. Never the less i am thankful to all of you for your point of view in this matter.

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I want to ask why you feel intimidated with what is going on in her MIND.

you cant control someones thoughts
and to want to is a bit strange.

When we as people are in a relationship, we are not struck blind, nor is there a magick switch that turns off our sexual desire unless we are with in feet of our partner.

Humans want sex. Humans think about sex. Humans are attractive to other humans. Humans think about other humans.

That is how we got here, and how we stay here.

If her thinking about someone else makes you two have more sex.. so be it. She isnt cheating.

But I do agree... it is pretty tasteless to brag about fantasies with you when they dont involve you.

There are ways to 'share' fantasies with each other then they may or may not include both of you, but this doesnt sound like the case....

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You're a guy. Why do you CARE what she's THINKING?! Laughing

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I'll think of other women while having sex, but I would never tell her that. Just something you don't bring up.

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Quote:

I'll think of other women while having sex, but I would never tell her that. Just something you don't bring up.

I agree with Slappy. Her fantasies are her business, but her need/choice to tell you about thinking of other men when making love to you shows a disregard for your feelings.

She was talking to an audience, not a lover. You are well rid of her.

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You have never had sex with her? Shocked

She was having sex with someone else when this happened? Why are you worrying about it? It doesn't mean it will happen with you.

Aren't you borrowing or buying trouble here? If you've never had sex with her she obviously has not done this to you.

I'm confused now.

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RickJad wrote:

Thanks for the replies guys.

Shari:

Quote:
Would you rather her be with other men and think of you?

Shari, from your reply i am assuming you are not married. would it make you feel uncomfortable that the person you are havng sex with is also thinking of someone else while having sex with you? And lets say that he is thinking of someone else and you are thinking of someone else, then dont you see that something is wrong? Say if you were in love with this person, would you actually call that act 'love'? the person you are having sex with is enjoying the act WHILE thinking of someone else? wouldnt that make you feel absolutely cheap? Please do not take offence to what i am saying because i am simply trying to understand this.

I am married and have been for 3 years. If there were a problem with our love life I would understand if he was thinking of someone else. I am an open minded person and quite understanding when it comes to things of human sexuality and human nature. During a bout of less than average sex my mind has wandered to such things as bills, dinner and work.
Did she mention who she was thinking of? Was this person unattainable like an actor?

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I might be a little young and ignorant, but don't we as women, not all of us, spend hundreds of dollars in our life times on sexual toys or costumes when we feel the relationship needs more spice? I am coming from the angle that I just threw a sex toy party for my friend who is getting married. I never knew how much stuff was out there until I saw all that they had to offer. I guess what I am trying to say is, dont we spend money on costumes and stuff to pretent to be something we are not? And us girls don't do it for ourselves, we do it for our man to fulfill his fantasy. So what's the harm in fantasizing during sex if what is really turning you on his your husband?

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Would you consider this love?

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