Lash wrote:Captain's Log 6/7/08:
We broke up (if you can call it that) three times since my last post here. He is patient and hurt each time: I am obviously a nutjob.
This seems to me like Advanced Iraqs. I really think I am so subconciously horrified at the prospect of being sincerely emotionally invested and then dumped, that I am doing this stuff at every succeeding juncture of a deepening of my feelings for him.
(Translation: when I realize I care more about him than before, I break up with him.)
Well maybe - maybe not. Why do you think you care more about him than before?
Does something happen to make you think that - translation: do you break up with him and then realise you do want to be with him OR do you realise you care about enough to commit to him and then break up with him?
This, I am certain of. I begin thinking that I am fonder of him, that I like having him around more, I realize I am starting to rely on his companionship---and THEN, I get ultra sensitive about everything he says...questioning "what did you mean when you said that?"...and then I close off on him.
You said "care more about him than before before what????
It's an intensification of my feelings for him. I should have said when I get closer...to feeling a committment might work?
Do you ever consider he may not be the right person for you?
Yes.
Do you want him to be the right person for you?
I'd like to know if he is...I SURELY don't want to fool myself into thinking he is.
Do you push him away/break up to "test" the boundaries to see if he will keep coming back to you - therefore, then knowing that what you are "emotionally investing" is worth it. (do you see what I mean there?)
Hell yes. I'm thinking this is what's going on subconsciously.
If he sticks around - you can take the chance. If he doesn't - then subconsciously/consciously you have already started to get over it because you didn't allow yourself to "invest" in it.
...and we have a winner, I think...
K - speaking as someone who knows absolutely nothing about you or your situation or your fella
You did pretty good.
Lash wrote:
We survived the last spate of break-ups and moved out of the ghetto, and into a really sweet apartment. It has little vestiges of the home I used to dream of when I was a girl. Nestled beneath a shady canopy of towering trees, a cool oasis,...covered in ivy and (shakes head even now, disbelieving) there is a sweet footpath alongside the house, leading to the back yard--a jungle of ivy, spread out thickly all over the yard, climbing the trees, stretching across powerlines.. In the center of the backyard, there is a sunny spot, just the right size for sunbathing, but what I love most is the deep cool of the shade that surrounds that sunny place. It's dreamy. The apartment is mostly dark and cool. Beyond our little patch of yard is the thickest jungle of trees and ivy and kudzu. The fireflies are dazzling at night.
K - are you a romanticist (is that the right word)
Again, she hits it.-
well, that's how it appears to me - and I am talking as the Chief Romanticist In The Whole Wide Ideal Little FairyTale World I would like to be living in- so laughing - if only things were that simple. :wink: You sound as tho you have your little dream . as we do . yet, it's not the perfect "relationship" - if it was, you wouldn't question it.
Jesus, this is what he says..."Why do you question it?"
But, there is NO perfect relationship. It's like, there's a little bit missing somewhere - it's not all fitting together quite the way it should - if it was - then you would be moving forward without the spate of break-ups every so often. Again, that kinda leads me back to thinking - is it a conscious thing to break-up to "see if it's for real" - to see if the relationship is real enough to commit too.
Hmmm.
Lash wrote:
Anyway, my pattern of Iraqs seems to be out of control. I am sabotaging this relationship, and I seem powerless to stop myself. We don't argue. We're very nice to each other almost always.
Oh hunni - that's all lovely, but is it "real" - not everyone has to argue, but to be nice most of the time I think often takes more work than just saying what's really going on. Maybe if you spoke to him about your feelings of what you consider "sabotaging" before it got to the break-up (which must be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster in itself) - maybe your insecurities of that emotional investment would be easier to deal with. I dunno. I'm off on a ramble here (as I do) and may be completely wrong.
No, I know I'm a mess...and I think you're completely right.
Lash wrote:But, then I sleep on the couch--because it's cooler in the den... (I couldn't honestly tell you why I'm doing it, but that I feel uncomfortable in the bed with him. I do know it's nothing he's doing. It's something with me. Maybe as simple as wanting to sleep alone--being used to it--or some lurking intimacy problem. I am having intimacy problems.
See, to me, that sounds as if things just aren't right at this very moment (gosh, aren't I the most unhelpful person here a?)
LOL!
- to me, it sounds as tho you are just not comfortable with being with him - no matter how nice and kind and loving he is . Maybe it's just not right for you. As I said before, it's all about compromise being in a relationship. He sounds like he is prepared to listen to you, prepared to wait around for you to "know" if it's going to work or not - he sounds as tho he really does want this to work - now you have to figure out what it is you want.
Nail on the head, I think.
I don't know the other people on this thread either, don't know your history - so, this is coming from a complete outsider with a different perspective, which may or may not be useful to you. Meant with good intention tho. Honestly.
If he truly loves you - he will wait and he will try and help you through this and he will be patient. You see - that's where you and I are polar opposites - coz I can relate to him there.
Lash - when you are used to just being "with you" - it's hard to let someone in - when you are ready to do that - you will and with open arms - maybe right now you need to be with "just you" - not saying move out or break up or anything like that - what I mean is - don't look too far into the future - don't look as this as "forever" right now - just take each day, as it happens and see what happens - don't try to predict the future or getting hurt - your defences for whatever reasons are up - they are there to protect you, only you can take them down, and when you are ready to do that, one by one they'll come down. It may take a while - it may take a long time - if you and he are gonna be together - then his patience will let you take down, build up, take down, build up .. I do believe in the ideal "if it's meant to be, it will" . So, apologies if this is all a load of gumph, but thatsme!
Oh sweety. How wise you are. Of course, you're right. I'm also if it's meant to be person. I just don't want to frazzle his last nerve. I may end up running him off accidentally. But, you are right--my defences ARE up... Thank you so much for your sweet consideration. I appreciate you.
Lash wrote:
(laughing at myself for analyzing me all the time)
HA - "Analysers R Us" - no worries.
Lash wrote:
Don't worry, this can't go on much longer. I'm beginning to make myself want to puke over it. haha
Sick bag available - but you'll be fine . Steady as she goes and just don't think too far into the future. Don't try and predict the future .... you can't hun.
Lash wrote:
I am going to learn to relax.
I am going to learn to relax.
I am going to learn to relax.
I am going to learn to relax.
And breathe ..
Lash wrote:
I may need strong drugs for this.
So, I am (tears in eyes) really liking him much more than before. He's a sweet, good man. Reliable, caring, honest, tender. And, I am very afraid. I'm thinking I should blame this on my mother.
See what happens - don't try to force anything - talk to him about how you feel. Try not to be afraid - fear can crush something that could be good. Keep those defences for self-preservation, but hey, he could be a liferaft too - could be the kiss of life.
There's no rush.... you can take your time ...
Just my thoughts to you. Take care.
(oh - I don't engage brain brilliantly right now - but hey - I'm happy!)
Oh . one other thing .. and this is probably more about me than you - but you say he's reliable, caring, honest, tender, you're nice to each other almost always, and you are "liking" him more hunni - do you need passion? Do you maybe need a little more than "nice" . If you are anything like me (oh, I hope not for your sake), but passion is something quite big not the kinda rose in the mouth, bended knee, (sick bag - ugh) and then . on the kitchen table thing . - but passion in words, thoughts and how you talk to one another, how you write, what you feel. Do you know what I mean? (mind you - thinking about it - on the kitchen table sounds quite good right now- oh dear, apologies to those with sensibilities - got on one of those moods on tonite!!!!!!)
You do that, Lash, and then you call the guy in NY. What ever happened to him? I hope you're still on talking terms...
Hey....how's YOUR love life??
Once I get out of this current situation, I think "romance" can take a temporary powder.
.