My theory on relationships.

Hi hodgepodge, and welcome!

I see what you're saying, and agree about give-and-take, solving problems et al. But this specific situation still bothers me:



Um, no. Really no. I have one best friend... does that mean I don't "need" any other friends? Hardly. I have a variety of friends for a variety of reasons, and like that variety. My best friend can be the most amazing, wonderful, fulfilling, whatever person, but I'd still be pissed if she told me I could only see her. This kind of stuff could (and may well) totally lead to resentment in the heart of the girlfriend.

How 'bout this theory of relationships -- always try to distill issues to their core components. "You can't hang out with guys, even on a platonic basis" has more basic components, such as "I don't trust you". THAT's what needs to be resolved.

Hodgepodge, sozobe is right on the nickel here. My wife has friends, male and female, she hangs with them, often I don't want to, or cannot, due to work, sometimes I do, and we all have a great time. It is no big deal. You can't theorize that if you "show her a better time" than her guy friends that she will dump them for the relationship. That is scary territory, my friend. In fact, your logic is flawed...let the girlfriend hang with her platonic friends, let the boyfriend get over the jealousy problem, and THEN there would be no resentment on the girlfriend's side. Keep in mind, it isn't "a better time" that is important but "a unique time, that is special to both of you" that matters.

My wife and I have both been pretty secure about our relationship, and we allow each other to do whatever the other pleases. I go on my world tours about three times every year, and she goes to her conferences and reunions. Our two boys are now adults, and I let her make the decisions on whether we allow our son to live at home. I also support my wife to let her mother live with us. c.i.

A Piece of Hard-Won Wisdom--

No single person can totally satisify another person's needs. I love my husband--but he's not a reader. I talk about books with other people. He's a sports-watcher. I'm not. He talks about sports with other people.

Another Piece of Hard Won Wisdom:

No one person can be completely responsible for making another person happy--except possibly a mother and a newborn. Believe me, as soon as the kid starts independent motion his world widens: Mother AND the cat's tail AND the building blocks. Even before the independent motion, Daddy gets in the act--or should.

Hodgepodge--

A Lover may be able to take his Beloved out on the town for a good time --but this lover can't replace her guy friends any more than you can replace her female friends or her family or....

My guess is that Lover is attracted to a bubbly, self-confident, outgoing woman--but he wants to be the only man in her universe.
Remember Robert Browning and "My Last Duchess"? The Duke complained that his Duchess smiled at everyone--and he objected. He stopped her smiling at the world. Then, she died....and he started looking for another desirable, collectable wife.

Some women are delighted to make a man their whole existence--although there are fewer such women than there were fifty years ago.

I don't think that many men have ever made a woman their whole existence.

Interesting difference.

My theory is that they are both very skinny at each end and fat in the middle....



monty python

hodgepodge - I'd step back a bit further and say that, IMO, the error in the theory (and I'm hestant to use the word "error" there but..) is that no 2 relationships are alike and finding one common "rule" to live by is like looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack.

Put any 2 people together and you have an entirely unique relationship. What works in one might end another in a hurry. We peoples ain't so easy to figure out!

fishin, are you ever wrong. I've got all kinds of common rules to live by like 'my way or the highway', 'cook me dinner' and 'shutup or I'll shoot'.

See? Easy!

Hey, now I am really confused...Sugar, are you my wife? Thought it was Phoenix, but maybe not..

Umm, let's all praise the strong fabulous women of A2K! Piss 'em off and you WILL get reamed!



If you need any more info about how to deal with a Sugar, well, take marital (or is it martial) arts...off to cook for wife now! Heh heh...man...those ribs smell awesome...I love you all...if my wife was weak, I would not be married.

More great replies!!!

This forum is great

My theory is just really general and vague, you could say it's like the bible. You apply it to the situations accordingly. I think it's more of a last-ditch effort to deal with a problem. Someone mentioned there might be other problems in the example I gave, like insecurity or lack of trust. That is always a possibility, but not always the case. Regardless, thanks for all the great replies. Hopefully at least one person came away from this thread with more knowledge, I know I did

But Sugar, don't some of those work better on some guys than others? If you tell me "shutup or I'll shoot" I might just shoot first! lmao

HP, if you stick around, you will find that this site is full of great people who are prepared to reflect on issues and give their views candidly, sometimes amusingly, often intelligently and only on rare occasions in an offensive manner (be warned, just in case!).

I, for one, have had certain thoughts crystallised by this thread...what's important to me seen up against the state of my current relationship...and realised that I need to address where that's (not) going.

Thanks TO YOU for raising the topic for discussion. KP

Here is my reflection (I wouldn't go so far as to call it a theory) on relationships: Men are masters at lying around, taking in the telly, relaxing....women seem to think that a day is wasted if something isn't accomplished....what up with that? (Mrs. cav loves telly and getting things done, so perhaps I am doubly blessed)

I think you're VERY blessed from your many mentions of Mrs. Cav -- and her too.

Gotta say it's the other way 'round with me and E.G., though -- he MUST be doing things, all the time. Skitter skitter accomplish accomplish. I'm pretty busy myself, but much more likely to take some time out and chill.

Heh, still thinks she needs to do everything, but hey, we are working it out. Imagine this: all she asks of me is honesty What a concept, eh?

Pics of cav and Mrs. cav coming soon...

Ive always been pretty sweet with the other half hanging out with mates etc, and usually they have become my mates too, however, the guy Im with now, his mates are all a bunch of drop kicks, I refuse to waste my time on them, all a bunch of stark raving alcoholics who I really figured out they dont care about my bf if hes not keen to drink with them. Ive said to the bf, hey they are your mates, hang with them, but dont expect me to tag along and told him why.
I think it all boils down to what sort of people your significant other wants to 'play' with, and what they do when they 'play'.