My theory on relationships.

Welcome, hodgepodge,

I think I fundamentally agree...and if the problem appears bigger than the relationship, the individuals should work out whether they can deal with it or if the relationship is "holed below the water", I suppose.

I'm getting the latter feeling with my current girlfriend (we haven't been together more than 1 month) and I'm beginning to feel that it's time to be mature and end it before it becomes more difficult.

Wait a minute guys--you are both ignoring one of the basic patterns of an abusive relationship.

He: I don't like it when you see other guys. Even if it is platonic, it worries me.

She: Ok.

He: I don't like it when you go out with the gals for lunch. After all, I consider them my friends and I'd like to see them, too.

She: Ok.

He: It makes me very nervous when you talk on the telephone with your family. After all, I'm the one you married and your promised to make me the center of your life.

She: ?


When one partner is constantly muttering "I don't like it when you do suchandsuch and this is threatening our relationship" the other partner has a choice of settling for a shrunken and incomplete world or leaving the relationship.

When a man molds a partner, he's called Pygmalion.

When a woman does the same thing, she's Medusa.

Welcome hodgepodge! I agree with your theory, in principle. Compromise is always a part of relationships, but communication is far more important, and unfortunately, everyone communicates in a different way, so understanding HOW your partner communicates, and WHAT they are communicating, is THE most important thing. That is also hard work, and requires tapping into your deepest emotions, and asking yourself WHY you feel the way you do. This is something that cannot be worked out logically (and believe me, I would love to be able to rationalize my marriage, but it don't work that way). With your example, the statement is indeed logical, but let us look at it a little more closely: The proposal indicates some degree of posessive instincts on the part of the boyfriend, an irrational emotion. Discuss your feelings with your partner...sometimes love/relationship as a concept just isn't enough, and a little talk can often go a long way. Good luck!

Hmm.. The basic theory sounds simple enough but it seems to be based on the idea that two people in a relationship have to spend all their time in agreement and IMO, that isn't based in reality.

There may be some times where it's better to agree to disagree and seek compromise (where both don't get all they want and both give on points..). "Discarding the problem" may not necessarily make it go away and could allow it to become a much bigger problem that comes back to bite you later.

fishin'- Boy, do I agree with that, from personal experience. I had to work with my husband to get things out in the open. His attitude used to be, "don't worry about it", when I wanted to deal with a difficulty. As all who know me can figure, I am, shall we say, rather verbal. I am a big believer in "letting it all hang out". My husband is exactly the opposite.

Over the years, certain resentments built up in me, basically because the original problems were never resolved. This caused other problems. It was only when we could talk things out, deal with the problem, and get past it, when things got much better.

Noddy makes some good points, but I must say, in a relationship that works, both sides make compromises, and accept the fact that neither man nor woman will truly change their nature, but perhaps they can agree on certain things, to make it last. Hopefully, the molding going on is not about the individual, but about the couple....'molding', in a more positive light, could be considered 'communicating'.

Phoenix, are you sure you aren't Mrs. cav?

cavfancier- One never knows to whom one is interacting with on the internet, does one?

Lol! What's me wife doing in Tampa Bay?

Swimming???

cavfancier--

Reading over my previous entry, I saw that I had given little attention to the possibilities of compromise.

Still, when one party in relationship is constantly saying, "I'd be much happier, my dear, if you change this quirk and drop this habit and stop doing suchandso...."

Dorothy Parker quipped:

In youth it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
To change with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

Now I know the things I know
And do the things I do.
And if you do no like me so
To hell, my love, with you.

Find a partner you like AS IS rather than finding a partner who needs severe modification to fit your needs.

I have a real problem with the assumption both partners are intelligent and have common sense. What kind of topsy turvy, crazy, fantasy relationship is this? Can we get back to the real world, please.

There are as many different kinds of relationshps as there are people engaged in them. From the worst to the best, from peace and serenity to murder, and from rain to sunshine.

I'm with whoever said this would not work in the long run.

After a while, one or both of you is going to feel cheated about all they've given up, and this deal seems to negate the need for the two of you to discuss the issue and explore one another's feelings about things you encounter.

I see repression and backlash on the horizon, plus an increasing inability to communicate effectively.

Damn. I hate it when that happens.

I see the problem as the man having no respect for the woman's relationships, having no trust in her, and having insecurity issues about himself.

Those things are more important than a man. I would discard him.

BeachBum, welcome to not my life, but we do know people who are neither intelligent nor posessing common sense that stick together...for whatever reason, nobody shall know. Buffy and Freddy Prinze Jr. come to mind...maybe there is peace in vapidity. Incidentally, I happen to know that the 'writing' Freddy is leaving acting for is a proposal for an episode of Mutant X, a show my wife's company produces, and the script has been rejected. What the heck was he thinking?

Phoenix, swimming eh...in Tampa Bay? K, now I know you are pulling my leg....If Mrs. cav were swimming, it would be in Santa Monica, so she could continue her hobby of stalking Viggo Mortensen.

Noddy, I dunno, personally, I think nobody has the right to demand change from another person, not without a little give and take. People must change together, and relationships change in the process, becoming deeper, perhaps a little softer around the edges, but deeper. I would definitely say never live with someone who constantly demands change from you. Someone must know who's A2K signature this is: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent -Eleanor Roosevelt" I loved that one...

Isn't all jealousy, anger, bluster and complaint in a relationship related to issues of low self-esteem? Can't fix someone else if you be broken....

Sad, but true...someone with real self confidence is very rarely arrogant, bullying and will probably be less angry than the insecure.

Great replies!

I see some errors in my theory, but I think these errors lie in the fact that things are not always equal. Obviously if one partner is constantly demanding changes in the other, the scale is tilted. Compromise is also something that is very important, but I think that is left to bigger problems ie. One partner says "I don't like your job, your hours are not to my liking." Rather than quit the job there's always a middle ground that you must come to while (most importantly) swallowing your pride and avoiding stubbornness. I think pride and stubbornness can ultimately lead not necessarily to the end of a relationship, but one that is not as good as it can be. Also, when I say "discard" the problem I don't mean everything is dropped on the shoulders of the one who is receiving the request. Like my example of the boyfriend asking his girlfriend not to hang out with guy friends. The boyfriend should obviously take the girlfriend out and show her a better time than she would have if she were hanging out with guy friends. This way, there is no resentment in the heart of the girlfriend.

Hopefully that all made sense, I literally just woke up. Oh and yeah, didn't expect so many replies, this board rocks!