Preparing for Jewish New Year

Preparing for Jewish New Year...

As prelude to the Jewish New Year?-especially its Tashlich ceremony, which rids one of an entire prior year of sins?-just taking a few crumbs from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety and religious sensitivity. Consider these alternatives...

For ordinary sins, use White Bread

For erotic sins, French Bread

For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel

For complex sins, Multigrain

For twisted sins, Pretzel

For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes

For sins of indecision, Waffles

For sins committed in haste, Matzo

For sins committed in less than 18 minutes, Shmura Matzo

For sins of Chutzpah, Fresh Bread

For substance abuse, Poppy Seed

For inhaling, Stoned Wheat

For committing arson, Toast

For committing auto theft, Caraway

For being ill/tempered, Sourdough

For silliness, Nut Bread

For not giving full value, Short Bread

For war/mongering, Kaiser Rolls

For immodest dressing, Tarts

For causing injury or damage to others, Torts

For promiscuity, Hot Buns

For davening off tune, Flat Bread

For being holier than thou, Bagels

For unfairly upbraiding another, Challa

For trashing the environment, Dumplings

For sins of laziness, Any Very Long loaf

For sins of pride, Puff Pastry

For sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake

For selling your soul, Devil's Food Cake

For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread